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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can you ever really move past infidelity?

36 replies

Specso · 13/07/2023 18:04

My very good friend has just discovered her husband has been having a long term affair with his ex. This is the second of my friends this has happened to in recent years 😔 I’m trying my best to support her so wanted some advice from those who have been there.

She only found out because the ow messaged and told her everything. That he has been telling her he wants to be with her and they have been seeing each other for 18 months. She’s an ex from many years ago he used to live with.

She confronted him, he minimised everything ow had said. Hasn’t been going on that long, not in love with her and just got carried away when she got back in touch with him. He says he loves his wife and wants to make it work and has blocked ow on everything.

currently she is alternating between being furious, blaming ow/believing his minimised version and feeling devastated. Having said that she’s certain he should stay, work on the marriage and is adamant she won’t kick him out as she loves him. Before this they’ve always seemed so happy, very gushy about each other and very affectionate.

I’m just being there and supporting her any way I can but also want to make sure I’m giving good advice as this is her life and future. Personally I feel very sceptical that he would carry something on that long with a woman he used to live with and was very invested in (according to one of his friends who’s known him years when he lived with ow) unless he was still in love with her now. She believes him that he isn’t and says the fact he has stayed, not gone to ow and has blocked her is proof that he’s telling the truth and it’s her he wants. The affair only came out a few weeks ago. I should add they have only been married a few years and don’t have children together although they both have from previous relationships.

Does anyone have any experiences they can share? Should I advise her to try and get more answers from him as aside from admitting the affair, admitting who she is and that he did sleep with her he’s refusing to say much else and just gets huffy and gives vague responses to any questions about it. Says he just wants to ‘make it up to her’.

Were you ever really happy again if you stayed after being cheated on? I’ll support whatever she decides but I’m a huge advocate for life being too short to put up with stuff like this and I’m just worried about her future happiness.

OP posts:
Daffodil18 · 13/07/2023 19:52

I would not give her advice. She has made her mind up and you just need to support her with her decision.

Susieb2023 · 13/07/2023 21:24

I’d point her in the direction of surviving infidelity. Whatever she decides that website really is the place for advice for betrayed partners.

Original poster
Specso · 13/07/2023 22:07

Thanks, I’ll tell her to have a look

I’ll support whatever she decides especially as several other friends and family members are instantly saying LTB which isn’t really helping.

I just want to be supportive, she’s my friend of 30 years and it’s so awful seeing her so hurt.

OP posts:
WunWun · 13/07/2023 22:09

You only have to read Mumsnet to know that people never get over it

Zanatdy · 13/07/2023 22:13

I think as a friend I’d gently point out that he might not be telling her the truth, given he’s essentially been proven to be lying to her for that long. Support her in what she wants to do, but also try and be realistic and honest with her if she says think that you think is her being incredibly naive. She needs honest from you, but also a friend who won’t make her feel stupid for her choices. If she wants to take the risk of him cheating again, it’s her choice. Some people are more forgiving than others, some just are scared of life without that person, and for some financially they feel that they have no choice but to stay and try and make it work

BethDuttonsTwin · 13/07/2023 22:19

People say they do but I don’t really believe it tbh. I’ve been cheated on, I never got over it and I should have left at that moment rather than wasting another several years on it.

As for your friend, make sure you tell her her cheating husband is in panic mode atm and will say anything to keep things on an even keel. In a few weeks, when he thinks more and processes what has happened there’s a good chance he will contact OW again and may even leave at that point. I’ve seen this repeatedly in relationships where one has cheated. Shock and fear makes them say anything, promise the world, and then after a bit that wears off and that’s when the real fall out, one way or another will commence.

Original poster
Specso · 13/07/2023 22:22

I’ll just stick to listening, offering my perspective when she asks but not making any suggestions what I think she should do.

When I think about it I do want to rip his head off though!

OP posts:
Noironinghere · 13/07/2023 22:27

I’d say it’s doable if it was a one off fling or a short affair…..if he’s been seeing the ow for 18mths he’s got comfortable having his cake and eating it and is unlikely to change.
I had an ex who had an affair with a younger woman (she was 18, I was 28 at the time), we spilt for a while but got back together after a few months, did the whole marriage and kids thing, and yes I was very happy. Until he did it again with a different younger model after our second baby. We got over that because I thought it would be the best thing to do having young children but he did it again a few years later so that was the last straw for me.
I feel for your friend, it’s sounds like he’s just stringing her along. In your shoes I’d be cautious of giving too much advice in case it comes back to bite you, just be there for her, bring the wine, chocolate, tissues and the shoulder to cry on.

CapEBarra · 13/07/2023 22:28

Do not offer advice, do not slag off the dickhead husband. Be there for her and let her talk things through. Support her decision even if you don’t agree with it. She will need your friendship down the line. This is only the beginning of a kind and painful journey for her.

Original poster
Specso · 13/07/2023 22:35

That’s what’s so awful is knowing this is probably going to get worse for her before it gets better.

OP posts:
Thisthatandtheotherthing · 13/07/2023 22:42

I think that people can get over it. I think that on mumsnet you're unlikely to find those people as it's the ones that haven't who are more likely to be seeking advice and trawling relationships. I also think that an 18 month long affair with an ex is a fucking big ask vs a one night stand or even short lived work affair. I'd be surprised of your friend got over it, whether she stays or not. Follow other advice. Listen and be there, but just keep in mind that she might stay and if you stag off the OH it may backfire down the line. Call him a knobhead for sure, just don't insist she leave him.

Morewineplease10 · 13/07/2023 22:54

If she asks your advice I'd give it! Doesn't mean she'll act on it, she will be interested in your opinion.

Agree with PP, they'll say anything when they're caught out. He wants both.

I'd advise she ditches him personally.

You sound like a good friend either way.

Mumtothreegirlies · 13/07/2023 22:55

No. Tell her to move on

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 13/07/2023 23:00

People can get over it if it’s something they really want to. The best thing to do as others have said is not to openly judge but to just be there and listen as much as she needs. The only advice I would give is for her to make sure she has constant access to everything including bank accounts, having her name on things etc for her own protection.

Daffodil18 · 14/07/2023 08:02

I’m currently in this situation and to be honest I’ll decide what I want to do with my life but the best support from family and friends is those who say it’s your call and just listen to me vent. Ive distanced myself from those who have been really negative as I know how bad it is so when talking to them I just want an escape and not to feel even worse.

Sunshineandflipflops · 14/07/2023 08:17

As long as she accepts she will never know the full truth about what has happened and how he feels about her, then maybe they can move past it but she won't ever have the marriage she had or thought she had before.

A long term affair is quite different to a one off mistake. Neither are ok, but a long term affair almost certainly means feelings involved, deceit, talking about the future with someone else. This is coming from someone who 'forgave' a one off indiscretion by my ex husband but then many years later discovered a full-blown affair and just couldn't/wouldn't even try and move past that. I read their messages to each other and once I had read those, there was no other option. Discussing their future together, talking about me, our kids, getting to know each other like they were young people dating...

If she wants to try and move pas this then that's up to her ultimately but is he as keen to put it behind them or will it all pick up again once he thinks things have settled down? Sometimes love isn't enough to keep a marriage going if one person has already left.

Noironinghere · 14/07/2023 08:19

The advice I would give to anyone is to start making back up plans ‘just in case’….start saving a bit of money aside, get important documents sorted out, get any financial info they can get easy access to such as joint bank statement, partners pension info, anything that can be lawfully obtained without hacking or breaking into anything.
Say it’s like taking an umbrella, chances are if you don’t take it it will rain and if it does then you’ll be prepared.
If she’s open to the idea suggest she see a solicitor for a free half hour consult to see where the land lies legally but that might have to wait a while for the right moment.

Dery · 14/07/2023 09:05

One thing to emphasise, @Specso, is that she doesn’t have to decide now what she wants for all time. And also that - even if right now she wants to keep the relationship - she’s allowed to change her mind in the future. That happens: people will think they can recover but realise after a couple of years that they can’t.

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 09:15

She believes him that he isn’t and says the fact he has stayed, not gone to ow and has blocked her is proof that he’s telling the truth and it’s her he wants.

If it was only her that he wanted, he wouldn't have had an affair with another woman.

She wouldn't be in this position.

Women with loyal, straight men don't find themselves in positions like this.

Winder how his marriage/relationship with the mother of his kids broke down, hmmm.

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 09:18

Ask her in what circumstances she would have been shagging one of her exes behind his back.

People in this position can't see past the pain and the pick me dance in order to see what the character of their "partner" really is.

PrincessIntrovert · 14/07/2023 09:21

You don't get over it and I'll never understand how people can stay with the person. I could never lay eyes on him again.

That stands for dodgy messages as well as physical cheating. One strike and you're out in my book 🚪

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 09:21

There's a type of man who, if he has the slightest opportunity, always has at least two women in the go. It's their default. I've seen it again and again. Some do it for decades. They'll always have another woman if they get the chance, but never leave their main woman.

He's probably one of those, bet he cheated on his ex/children's mother too.

Cantstaystuckforever · 14/07/2023 09:30

Of course people can and do get over infidelity, and all sorts of breaches of trust. Doesn't mean she has to, or you or I would personally, or that we should get involved in our friend's love lives when it happens.

Many on MN have a very black and white view on cheating, but culture and context matter a lot. Long term affair with a best friend while the wife was pregnant with twins in what she thought was loving monogamous relationship? Awful. Short term fling in an arranged marriage where the couple are rarely physically intimate at all? I'd personally still feel betrayed but others might be fine - certainly in that case it might be less of a betrayal than realising for example that someone had run up massive debt and they needed to leave the family home.

Duckingella · 14/07/2023 09:31

He's probably only staying because

A.Now the wife knows it's not fun anymore

B.The OW has gone all bunny boiler thinking if she exposed him the wife would "hand him over".

C.Most importantly;divorce is a expensive process,he'd suffer financially and only see his kids EOW.

PrincessMyshkin · 14/07/2023 09:47

I think you'll need to be there and listen, reserving judgement mainly. It will have to be her decision and it may take some time to see it through. You could maybe advise on practicalities, ensuring she has the option to leave should she decide to rather than being financially reliant on him (not assuming she is).

For my 2p worth I think that an 18 month parallel relationship with an ex is a very different beast to a drunken shag or an office fling (not minimising the impact of either of those things). It is a huge amount to forgive and the husband should have the decency and emotional intelligence at this late stage to accept that whatever she decides.

The least she would do well to demand of her husband is the full, unvarnished truth. If she's seen messages to the OW then he has said those things. If he is now obfuscating and saying he didn't really mean it then that just underlines that he is dishonest and was juggling the two women for whatever purpose.

It may take some time to a) get the full truth if she ever does and b) digest it in small bites but she should accept that this was a long and involved relationship, not a silly crush.

I'd say therapy was essential. Remorse and compassion too from him. If he's going 'well, Ive apologised and stopped contacting her. What more can I do?' Then he doesn't understand or care in which case I'm not sure what she can do with that.

Me personally, I'd be showing him the door. The expedient thing to do for him is to stay and then do something like this again when the dust settles and I'm not sure how I'd accept knowing that.

But yes. Being there to support is the key, rather than push forward your own views.