Can you ever really move past infidelity?

[Specso]

My very good friend has just discovered her husband has been having a long term affair with his ex. This is the second of my friends this has happened to in recent years 😔 I’m trying my best to support her so wanted some advice from those who have been there.

She only found out because the ow messaged and told her everything. That he has been telling her he wants to be with her and they have been seeing each other for 18 months. She’s an ex from many years ago he used to live with.

She confronted him, he minimised everything ow had said. Hasn’t been going on that long, not in love with her and just got carried away when she got back in touch with him. He says he loves his wife and wants to make it work and has blocked ow on everything.

currently she is alternating between being furious, blaming ow/believing his minimised version and feeling devastated. Having said that she’s certain he should stay, work on the marriage and is adamant she won’t kick him out as she loves him. Before this they’ve always seemed so happy, very gushy about each other and very affectionate.

I’m just being there and supporting her any way I can but also want to make sure I’m giving good advice as this is her life and future. Personally I feel very sceptical that he would carry something on that long with a woman he used to live with and was very invested in (according to one of his friends who’s known him years when he lived with ow) unless he was still in love with her now. She believes him that he isn’t and says the fact he has stayed, not gone to ow and has blocked her is proof that he’s telling the truth and it’s her he wants. The affair only came out a few weeks ago. I should add they have only been married a few years and don’t have children together although they both have from previous relationships.

Does anyone have any experiences they can share? Should I advise her to try and get more answers from him as aside from admitting the affair, admitting who she is and that he did sleep with her he’s refusing to say much else and just gets huffy and gives vague responses to any questions about it. Says he just wants to ‘make it up to her’.

Were you ever really happy again if you stayed after being cheated on? I’ll support whatever she decides but I’m a huge advocate for life being too short to put up with stuff like this and I’m just worried about her future happiness.

Yep.

They have to have one main woman - it's no fun having noone to wash your clothes, cook your meals,clean your house, do all the domestic admin, do your own childcare on your own, afford somewhere nice to live on one income, have noone to look after you if you're sick, have no emotional support, have no automatic plus one for social events etc etc.

Who that woman is will just friend on how takes their shit and who doesn't dump them when they discover what sex they've taken the opportunity to have on the side.

Women get so caught up in romance and investment and commitment, projecting their own values onto men - they can't see the character or motivations of guys like this.

You'll "do".
They'll do the marriage thing cause that's the done thing abdvthdtdcwhstbit takes for many women to take on shared finances and responsibilities and step kids etc etc. That's what women want, the big day, the public commitment.

If opportunities for no strings (apparently no strings) sex come their way, they'll take them. If you take the cheating (with a bit of crying and railing and talk of couples counseling maybe), they'll stay - it's more hassle for them to go. If you don't take it, they'll just try to find another woman (or they often already have a potential substitute in their ow).

In this case it sounds like both she and he have kids from previous relationships, not together but the "hassle" element still strongly exists. He's got his housekeeper and step mother and conventional cosy set up. He also looks bad and like "the problem" if hid 2nd marriage fails. Plenty of reasons to stay where he is if she'll take his shit

*Who that woman is will just depend on who takes their shit and who doesn't dump them when they discover what sex they've taken the opportunity to have on the side.

As women we're so fed the Disney fantasy that even as adults we don't seem to be a be to recognise that so many men are just pragmatic, opportunistic shaggers who have no such ideas about the opposite sex or relationships.

They just do what they want and if their woman takes it, all well and good, they'll usually stay. If she doesn't they'll try to keep their claws in for a bit, but move on to a other woman if it's too much hassle or wifey actually gets rid of them. Of course they'll never tell the next woman the true story.

Thanks for all the advice and I’m sorry so many people have also been through this. I just feel so angry for her but I am keeping it to myself and just remaining supportive although I have said whatever she decides, to do it with her eyes wide open this time.

It sounds like in the majority of cases regardless of his real feelings (which no one will ever really know what they are) it just boils down to their feeling of entitlement to do whatever they want and then feeling they shouldn’t have to deal with divorce/break up hassle or having to give up their home. I just wonder how someone can have no problem just trampling all over everyone.

I’m reconciled and I thought you might be interested in the thoughts of someone who did choose to stay.

Reconciling after an affair is an extraordinarily lonely thing to do. Once I was sure that my husband was remorseful I had to make the decision to reconcile or divorce.
The shame I felt for deciding to stay (and you can see why reconciled partners feel that just glancing through this thread) was profound. I felt I’d let my extended family down, my friends down, I even felt I’d let ‘strong woman kind’ down. I felt sick to my stomach and paralysed in it.

But I was really lucky with them and my family.

My friends were furious with my husband (they loved him and hated him for hurting me, they’d trusted him before this) BUT they made a conscious choice to offer me the gift of no judgement but just love and support. In their company I felt only empathy and understanding. They wanted to protect me, they made that clear, but would stand beside me whatever I chose. They listened to my reasons for staying and did not judge or have opinions.

Years later, those friends and my family are now back being my husbands too. They’ve rediscovered their friendship with him because they’ve watched him change and do and be better. I love watching the ease that they have around him again. I can’t imagine what that would have been like if they’d judged and decided their opinion on our marriage was right.

Your friend may not decide to stay, her husband may not be remorseful, time will tell, but just listen, let her cry on your shoulder, raise her up to feel good about herself again and don’t judge. Be the one that allows her to not feel the shame that will be causing her huge agony right now.

If he isn’t prepared to be honest and wants her to ‘get over it’ I doubt it will work. Most cheaters do not have the skills to repai r the relationship. He cannot ‘make it up to her’ of course he can’t. He can only hope she is gracious enough to forgive and that he is capable of letting her scream, rage and cry. They say 5 years minimum to recover. Cheaters are often not patient and they are selfish - they will struggle with that time frame.

Go to surviving infidelity. Buy her a copy of ‘not just friends’ and ‘how to help your spouse recover from infidelity. Read both of them and be there for her. She will crash at some point. Look at post infidelity stress disorder and be there for her. Pick her up and in 1 Year when she’s still reeling pick her up again and again.

Oh and If her self esteem is in tatters help her with that.

Shes the prize - faithful, loyal and gracious to try and work through this. He’s not a prize.

One more point - read/watch Brene Brown on shame. Talk about it and encourage her to watch it. You really can help but not by telling her what to do. Just give her the tools she needs them whichever way she decides to go.

I'd stay well out of it. The only thing I would tell her is that I wouldn't be socialising with them again in the future because I couldn't be two faced and pretend I didn't know and everything was fine.

How do you get over an affair ?
You must surely never trust them again. Every time they go out on their own , do you wonder where they are ?
Do you wonder who they're on the phone to ?
Do you forever wonder why they did it ?
Even after the apologies, even the tears from him, the wanting us to stay together, I stayed with my husband, because I loved him so much.
But from then on the inside hurt was so bad ,it eats away at your heart every day ,even though you put on a front.
We stayed together until he died, many years later. but how I wish I had been braver at the time and not endured secret heartache ( even he thought I had
" got over it ")