Can't imagine a future relationship

[MenArentMindReaders]

About to separate from my DH, he ended it. I have a 7 and 4 year old. I think it will be important for me to have some time being single. But after that I can't imagine how a future relationship would work. I definitely don't want more children so why would a man want to live with me and mine? I guess the only way they would be OK with is if they already have their own but then that would mean a massive house would be needed so all kids have their own room.

I wish finances didn't come in to this but I do feel like a big appeal to persuing a relationship is to alleviate some of the financial strain of being a single parent. But obviously that's a bad motivator to be in a relationship.

If anyone has come out of a relationship with two kids and no desire for more children and then managed to get into a healthy relationship...what is your set up?

Thanks

I think you might be overthinking the needing a massive house bit right now.

One step at a time OP.
I am sure you will work it out when the time comes.

Personally I wouldn't live with another man until my kids were visitors, frequent visitors, but visitors.

Actually not sure I would ever live with another man.

Single adult households are on the rise because women, mainly, but men as well, just don't want to deal with another housing situation after a breakup. Perhaps that is the way to go.

Why should/would you even be thinking about relationships righ now?
Enjoy your new freedom 👍🏻
There is no need to worry dating or relationships, vast majority of people I know has sworn off them at some point, and then ’all of a sudden’ they are in in one, YET, again.
You will be to most likely within a year, do come and update us then!

With kids and shared custody and divorce future relationships may not look like what you expect
They have kids and baggage and so do you

and thats ok

i just have FWB
which is messy but not as messy as bringing a man in

youll be ok and it’s very early days

Why is your first thought about moving in with another man? If it happens that'll be years away. My kids are 8 and 5 and I've been single for 2.5 years. I've been on dates but not got into another relationship. If I do then I have no intention of moving in with them. I don't really want to be step parent, and blended families often dont work.

I have 3 children younger than yours OP and just divorced after nearly 20 years together. I think about this too at times and get quite sad that it's unlikely that I'll live with someone again for at least a decade or more - if ever. I feel young enough at 40 to date and have fun with someone and enjoy life but doing it at 55 sounds so old. It's a totally different relationship at 55 than 40

Moving in a new partner would be the last thing on my mind in your situation! Take some time to adjust, get the children into a good routine because they’ll no doubt be adjusting aswell and possibly testing the boundaries. Especially if your ex parents in a different way to you.
Think about things you’d like to do just for you and use your new found freedom to make the time for this.
And if/ when you do find a new partner I’d give it plenty of time before you even start introducing them to the children, never mind move them in.

OP I understand. Your instinct is to replicate what you know, that's why you're thinking about a potential partner.
When my ex left me I was the same, keen to meet someone, have that comfort of someone familiar.
Unfortunately I wasn't able to pursue a relationship as my ex moved hundreds of miles away so I was a lone parent and could rarely go out.
What did present itself to me however was an opportunity to increase my salary. I cut back on everything initially, rescheduled the mortgage and now I'm good financially.
I'd never ever live with another man. Despite being keen initially, for me they just don't bring enough to the table for me to make it worth my while.
Enjoy your time being single, carve out a way of living that suits YOU and see how you feel.

@cadburyegg

Why is your first thought about moving in with another man?

😂😂 It definitely wasn't my first thought. I'm not sure what made you think that. We have been separated and living under the same roof for two years.

My first thought was wtf. Followed by feeling utterly rejected. Then it was sorrow for my children. Then worry, worry, worry about finances. Each of these stages was a few months each.

@MenArentMindReaders

Maybe because your first line was ‘about to separate from dh’ ?

I think anyone would take that as it being a very recent event.

Ah sorry! I see what you mean. I meant about to move out.

@OhamIreally thank you.

That must be so hard to not have your own time.

In the last year I do feel like I've started to rebuild my life without him. I've made new frirnfs and started two new hobbies. Honestly it's more the financial side of it that appeals to me being with someone else. So yeah I need to work on making more money! So that I don't have that thought.

Why do you even want to imagine it? Most people who get into happy relationships say things like 'I never imagined I could feel this way', so why do you need to try to?

Just get on with your life, do what makes you happy, and perhaps you'll meet someone.

MenArentMindReaders

personally im a huge fan of financial self sufficiency

far more rewarding than being reliant on a man

and you can have a man too of course

what line of work are you in

@Watchkeys I have a habit of living in the future! I should try to stop it really.

@Thisisworsethananticpated I'm a self employed hypno therapist. I earn OK money but I need to push myself to branch out to earn more.

@MenArentMindReaders I split with my exH 10 years ago now, kids at that time 5 and 3. He cheated. I got into an unplanned but not great relationship soon after, I think, in an effort to replicate what I had lost and it was nothing short of a disaster. He also has a daughter who was 5. He moved in briefly with me and my kids for 6 months. I kicked him out after 6 months. He was alcoholic (or close to being one!) and a Disney Dad. Not a good combination. Anyway, that taught me a lesson early on...

Since then, I've concentrated on rebuilding my career. And dated on and off. Only one ex-boyfriend has met my DCs (when they are older) and I keep my dating life very separate and away from my DCs. ExH and I sold the marital home after 2 years and I bought my own place, which has been an immense source of security for me and my DCs.

I am currently dating someone who is financially better off than me but I still like to keep things fair. We tend to take turns to pay for things (we like to do activities) though he is very generous and has proportionately paid more for me than I have for him. He has his own place and we tend to spend more time at his as he has a big place for one person and my DCs are now teens, they go between their Dad's and my house quite freely, so we won't run into them (still early days!).

What things look like today is very different to how things were when my DCs were little. I would say focus on getting financially independent and the kids while they are little. Don't rely on a man to pay for you. You will be surprised at how many men in their 40s/50s haven't got their shit sorted financially. And the sooner you rush into enmeshing yourself with someone else to make life 'easier', the bigger the chance you have of it being a big mistake and it being harder to unravel. I have dated a lot of men who seem to splash the cash and very generous early on, only to reveal a pile of debt behind it all! Good luck!

Yes, this was me 11 years ago, although I ended my first marriage. My kids were 4 and 7. I met my now DH 6 weeks after my separation from my ex and 8 weeks after his separation with his ex. He had no children from his previous marriage, in fact he had never wanted children. He did have a dog and I would never have wanted a dog, I am really not a dog person.

The relationship just felt right for both of us from the start. We both felt we would never meet anyone we felt like this about again. He decided he would rather be with me and be in a happy relationship even though it wasn't quite what he'd imagined his life you be like. And I got used to the dog.

Eventually after 5 years he sold his house and became a joint owner of mine. Then another 5 years after that, last year, we got married. He is the love of my life and I like to think I am the same for him too. The kids are now teens, one is about to go to uni and the other to 6th form. The dog is getting old.

We have had time alone together over the years as the kids have always spent some time with their dad. And I think we always knew that one day it would just be us. But during our time together as a family he has been great with them and has contributed a huge amount to our family for which I am truly grateful.

@MenArentMindReaders Why are you assuming that any future man will want kids? Most men are much less bothered about having kids than women.

And you're getting a bit ahead of yourself anyway, even if you met the perfect man tomorrow, surely you wouldn't be letting him meet your kids for a least a year, and not moving in together for a year after that.

By all means date, have fun, meet new people and find someone who you think is perfect, but there's no rush to create a "new" family. Before kids, I bet you didn't move in with your current husband for a good long while, why would that be different now?

I have a habit of living in the future! I should try to stop it really

And voila. Your problem is solved. You are creating it for yourself, and you can dispel it for yourself.

You’re not even divorced and you’re already thinking of getting into another relationship. Not to dictate to you, but that should be the last thing on your mind.
your kids are still young so I wouldn’t look into getting into any serious relationship until they’re more grown. Also, you assume that the person you’ll be in a relationship with would want to split costs/bills with you?!??

When I got separated, I was the lower earner. I went laser mode on my career and increased my earning power cos I didn’t want to depend on the ex who was going to be an arsehole and cheat me out of what was due to me anyway. I didn’t look at men for about 3 years, not even on FWB terms. It was only when I could comfortably afford basics like rent, food and bills etc that I started dating.
one step at a time- go through the trauma of divorce, heal etc and then think of a relationship. Otherwise, it could be just another stressor you’re adding to your life.

My husband left me when I was pregnant with our second child.
It's only now, 3.5 years later o feel ready to explore dating and meeting some one new.
You can't write your future off, just just need to think of right now and what you can do to make your current situation better.
I can promise you that you won't feel how you feel now, next year, or the year after. You may still want to be ok your own, or during this hearing journey you'll be going through you may decide you're ready to meet someone.
Just try and not look at the horizon and imagine how you'll deal with it whilst you're in a different head space.
Sending you lots of strength. You can do this and you will be stronger for it.

I was thinking about this when I first split with ex a lot. I made a post about this when baby was 4m old, 'dating as a single mother' and people were telling me to wait until baby is bigger etc - I was frustrated as of course I was going to wait a bit I just wanted to hear success stories so that I felt less worried. There are posts asking similar questions most days and lots of happy examples of nice blended families out there! I actually feel better being single at the moment but I know I'll want love again one day and it's possible

@Unexpectedlysinglemum exactly. I'm not rushing out looking for a partner now. I want to live in my new house for at least a year or two before I even consider a persueing meeting someone. I want to feel completely sufficient and happy on my own. I'm fully aware that if I go searching for a relationship when I'm not happy it's going to lead to a shit relationship. I'm just thinking ahead because why not?

I think since dating tends to be done online now it gives me a sense of control that it's not going to happen until I intentionally put myself out there. Which I'm not going to do yet.

I definitely wouldn't be introducing dates or boyfriends to my children, only once we are serious.

It's a valid question. I'm the same divorced with 2 kids in my 40s. Then met someone after a year single, were working towards moving in together but all fell apart & realised how abusive it had been. Now months later I genuinely don't know what I want. I don't want a let's live together relationship again, I tried that & he made a fool out of me. I have a good job, my own home, I don't know what a partner would add & I just don't think I trust men. So for now I'll stay single, maybe one day I'll try OLD but I just can't face it yet

Op I do get it. I've been split from my ds father for around 4 years now. He's been a total arsehole throughout that time and I know he would be awful if I got into a relationship where the man moved in even if he was loved by Ds/a good role model etc. I've been dating someone for about a year but it's long distance and means a 7 hour drive every few weeks for one of us, he hasn't met ds as obviously too early anyway but I do wonder about the future as without me being able to move him into our house in the future I can't see how this relationship will last due to the distance.

I think it'll be like this for me until my son leaves home to go to uni/wherever. And it does feel quite bleak sometimes knowing that I'll always have to financially struggle and struggle with relationships in general but I will always put my son first and that's just the way it is. Although it can be tempting for me to consider other options I have to listen to my head and keep things as they are.