DH online search history

[19Bears]

I know this subject has been done to death - finding out your husband has been searching dating apps / porn sites / hook up sites. The difference here is that DH's phone is linked to DS11's tablet, so all his google searches show up on our son's device. It has been fairly innocuous for a long time - ebay, Ticketmaster, Nigel bloody Farage, football news etc. Although also included in the list has been my twitter account, my name generally, and some young glamour model he follows on all SM. I couldn't give a monkeys. Anyway, I borrowed the tablet from my son last night and brought up the search history to find the pilates programme I'm following and saw things like 'flirt.it' and 'tiktok for singles' and interestingly 'local girls who want sex.' On one hand I was relieved that I've finally got a 'reason' to justify me wanting to call it a day on our marriage, on the other I feel sick as I need to confront him with it. In what way? Tell him in a matter of fact way that he needs to sort out his searches bearing in mind our son's tablet is linked to his phone? I know he'd be shocked and bewildered and in a blind panic as to what to do about it as he has no tech skills whatsoever. Do I take screenshots? Which way do I approach it without seeming to be using DS11's possible exposure to this as the bombshell. I don't want to use DS11 in any of this, but unfortunately he is involved and I don't know if he's seen any of this. It feels really messy.

first of all I’m sorry for you and your son it’s not a nice way to find out your husband is not a good husband. Firstly screen shot everything every single search. Once you have everything delete the history from the iPad so hopefully your DS hadn’t seen it and will not once it’s deleted. If you and your husband have an open phone relationship I would take the search history screen shots from his phone too making sure you take atleast one of the whole phone so there won’t be an argument of it was not from my phone ect. Then get all financial documents copied too. Make a solicitor appointment to fully understand what you need to do. I would definitely be sitting down with your H and confronting him asap. If you don’t share phones when confronting him ask him for his phone his reaction should tell you more is going on that you might not already know. Good luck OP

I think the best way to approach this one is to be as dispassionate and matter of fact as you can be. You’re relieved you have a reason to end it, he’s already looking elsewhere: it sounds as though you’re both miserable in the relationship and looking for a way out. So just tell him what you’ve found, acknowledge that your marriage has run its course, and agree that the next step is to discuss stages of separation and divorce. You know what you’ve seen, you don’t need screenshots, even if he tries to deny it it makes no difference. There’s no point getting into a confrontation of and argument about evidence, you’re not interested in resolving things so it’s just an added pointless step.

Yes, if you needed an excuse to end it, don't bother facing him off with evidence - I'd perhaps save some for myself just in case I needed it BUT just end it.

In fact this is what I'd do -
Get son out of the house
Pack a bag so you can get out of the house, even if for just the afternoon
Hide or pack or take away items he might take or break to punish you
Sit him down and tell him it's over, and you've found evidence
Give him an hour to say, 'yes but / no but' and listen - you have had time to process it, give him an hour
Then get up and go away and stay away for a bit
Then, everything is different and you're on your way
Separate bedrooms, no cooking, no socialising, separate lives
Create and work your list - 'this is how my life is going to be from now on'

Dare I congratulate you at this early stage? Probably a bit early x but nonetheless...xx

Why should she leave the house?

Yes screenshot everything.

What a loser.

Screen shit but do not delete the history as it clears ot from ALL devices and if you do want disclosure from his phone it won't be there. So sorry you are going through this

SHOT SHOT SHOT

Your DS is 11. Any chance he could be the one doing those searches? At that age they hear weird stuff in school, come home and google it.

Alternatively be prepared if you are certain the searches are your H's that he doesn't blame it on your DS.

I agree, these seem more like the sorts of things that a Y6 would google based on something a friend told them, not a grown man. We used to have a neighbour (who was probably 12-13 at the time), who saw dh as a big of a father figure (he own dad had passed away) and used to come over and tell him about all sorts of stuff he was googling. He genuinely believed all the spam he was getting about 'local girls who want sex' and was searching them trying to find where they were. I would hope that a grown man would know how to find that without googling it like a fool if that's what he was really after.

@Turfwars All the activity is late at night while DS is asleep. I know for a fact though that DH will try to blame anyone and anything rather than admit it was him.

@mindutopia Yes it does sound like the search terms a kid would use, someone who doesn't realise the digital trail is there to find. Therefore definitely DH!! DS has more sense.

Does your dh use tiktok? It's a weird search! The local one is a bit odd too. Are you absolutely sure it's your husband? I doubt he actually got anywhere with those searches if you're worried about physical cheating. If you want to end it then end it, you don't need a smoking gun and proof of anything. I split with my ex a few months after I found out he'd been logging in to Ashley madison which is a dating site for people in relationships. I didn't even tell him that was why I was leaving, I don't think he ever met anyone. I was fed up and sick of the crappy relationship and finding out that he was on that site made me realise it wasn't healthy for either of us.

I was going to say the same about being sure it is your husband doing these searches?

They sound like they might be pop ups to me.
Before you jump in guns blazing, just have a look what immediately precedes each ‘porny’ result.
Sometimes hooky football or movie sites will throw up pop ups as you click around the site.

I think it's Google search history rather than page history though, so it's what he's manually been looking for rather than pop ups.

I thought maybe pop-ups.... it's possible I suppose. Would he have to click on them to show it as a site being visited?

Are they sites visited, or results in google search?

@monsteramunch Sites visited. I knew I'd get this bloody wrong. I was impressed for a minute, thinking he was looking for sex like any normal man...

@19Bears can you remember what the sites were called before the dodgy ones?

@gertrudemortimer I'll have to look again tonight.

I think it's highly unlikely he's making those searches, they are almost certainly popups. That said, it's worth using this as an opportunity to work out why you are unhappy in your marriage and what to do about it

Yep, it's probably nothing. I think I get so elated when I find something I can finally call the 'big thing,' my mind runs riot and I get carried away with all my future plans free of him, my decorating and my new bed, my new sofa etc etc. I do realise this is nuts and that I can just end the relationship because I want to. I do realise that.

Sorry but I disagree. Having being with a vile pig in the past who was constantly searching for sex with anyone anywhere, these are exactly the sort of searches a desperate little wanker would do.

You don't need an excuse to finish things OP if you're not happy, that's reason enough.

If they're sites visited rather than searches made then they're almost certainly pop ups.

You need to update the settings on the iPad if your son is using it at other times as the sites that would cause those sort of pop ups shouldn't be possible to get to with appropriate parental safety settings.

I do realise this is nuts and that I can just end the relationship because I want to. I do realise that.

Not to sound simplistic but genuine question - what is stopping you? When you're at the stage where you'd be relieved someone was cheating as it would be an 'acceptable' out, it's completely beyond fixing anyway.

Don't you want to have a happy, healthy future and model being a happy, healthy adult to your son? You deserve that and so does he.

@monsteramunch What is stopping me? Risking being seen as the bad guy by my kids and ruining my relationship with them. It feels like a massive gamble. My eldest son is having real problems in terms of mental health at the moment, and I don't want to make things worse for him. If it wasn't for my kids I'd have left years ago.

During the week I found that he'd written all over the back of a picture my youngest had done at school as he didn't have any other paper to make notes for his work, which he could have put back where he found it, but no, he tore it to pieces and threw it in the bin. He's done this with the kids' pictures before, and also thrown away something DS had made and won a prize for at school so he would have space to buy an armchair. And this morning I found one of my work drawings, a big A1 size plan of a railway station I'd worked on in my last job and was keeping as a memory of my time there, on his desk with scribbles all over it. He's absolutely clueless.

You don’t have to justify your reasons for leaving. You are unhappy in your relationship and deserve to be happy.
I actually did have a big reason that came up for me to leave my marriage a few years ago and I like you, felt relief that this was my ticket out. But to be honest others (family, friends etc) still asked why I wasn’t giving it another go because he’s changed and he’s trying. So others get over the ‘deal breakers’ easier anyway. In the end I just had to keep saying that I didn’t love him any more .