Deadlock over house move.

[Ough]

I need to vent, will you all indulge me a little, please, and let me let off some steam.

The crux of it is that DP wants me move house but I don't. We will move in the future but I don't want to move right now. DP does.
After talking it round and round with no resolution, we mostly just ignore it and get on with life. But sometimes things will spark a discussion which gets heated - not a row, just frustration on both sides.

Early hours of this morning, a couple down the road had a row and woke us up. The police were out to them at 8.30am. On seeing the van, DP said "let's have a look on RightMove". I laughed. He said "No, I'm serious, I'm not living here much longer". Cue a heated discussion and then he left for work.

There's no resolution and its absolutely not a splitting up matter. But it's frustrating. Whenever something happens on the street (not a regular occurance but we've one rogue landlord whose had some dodgy tenants over the years) my heart drops because I know DP's adding it to his 'bank' of reasons why we should move now.

I'm just sitting here (working from home) frustrated, and I need to vent!

Well it really depends on his reasons for wanting to move and yours for not wanting to surely? And there needs to be some compromise somewhere along the way by both of you.

You havent said why he wants to move, and why you don't. Without context its a non-starter really

I'm so sorry for the lack of context. I hope this gives a bit more useful information.

For context, we bought the house in 2015.
Firstly, we very likely will move in the future. That's fine. But I don't think now is the right time.
Here goes:

• I want to say because:
• Our elderly, anxious dog wouldn't easily cope with a move. It'd take her a really long time to settle (a good few months) and she might only have a few years left. I don't want any of her remaining time to be sad or distressing. She had a very, very tough life before we adopted her, it took us a long time to build trust with her and I don't feel happy to disrupt that now. This, TBH, is my main reason.
• We totally renovated our current house in a really unique Victoriana style. We finished renovations in 2020, and I want a while yet to keep enjoying it.
• The location we live in now is great, I really love the street and have some wonderful friends in our neighbours.
• I've put love, care and money into the gardens over the last couple of years and want to see them grow for a while longer yet.
• Mortgage interest rates are high ATM.
• We're in a strong financial position so why rock the boat and take on risk. We should keep adding to the savings pots and then make a decision about moving once they get to a particular amount/level.
• We both work full-time and fitting in a house move and renovations (both of us would want a house with work to be done) would be very challenging.
• Overall, I just feel very settled in life. Really happy and content. And living in this house is part of that. We do compromise on some things with the house, I absolutely admit that.

DP wants to move because:

• Our house is small and terrace. He wants to be unattached to neighbours and have more space.
• We've had a few neighbour issues over the last few years which, in part, stems from a rogue landlord who owns two properties on our street. He wants to move somewhere that rogue landlords are priced out of.
• We can afford to, so why not.
• We'll still stay in this area (necessary for access to train station for commuting), just not this street.
• We work hard and earn well and part of the reason for doing that is to reap the rewards like having a big house (I know this is dick thing to say but it's part of DP's thinking and I really do get it)

@Peridot1 I think that's the trouble - how do you compromise on something like this? There is no middle ground. We either move or we don't.

I guess, I could stay put and DP could move 😂

The compromise would be agreeing a date you will put house on market and sticking to it. OK DP I don't want to live here forever either how about we wait till the interest rate is 3pc or let's wait until the dog passes (sorry) or the kids finish primary school etc

Honestly reading your pros and cons, I think I would bite the bullet and move. YOU are your dogs constant, and it seems crazy to live in a house just for them when they could have years ahead of them. You are basically making the dogs potential upheaval more important than your husbands wishes?!

Also, rogue landlord would bother me. Two houses causing bother might actually make it harder to sell for you later down the line if it gets worse.

I get you@Doggymummar I guess we've already done that to some extent - agreed that we will move in the future. We just haven't settled on a point at which we'll do that.

@Newusernamee TBH, yes, the dog's happiness is more important than DP's desire to move. We both sacrifice a lot for her. I guess that's part of the issue too, DP is willing to sacrifice other things for the dog's happiness so I don't get why he won't just wait a few more years to move for her sake!
We absolutely are her constant, but even with us she's an absolute wreck in any new situation or environment.
She might have a few years left. But me and DP have got many more years than that in which to move.

I want to move and my husband won't. His reason is he "hasn't got long" (he's 76 so could easily have 20 years) and doesn't want the upheaval.

My reasons are family all left for uni and stayed in their uni cities, we are isolated, we live in a very unfriendly road. Lived here for 26 years so I can't see that changing.

It is making me unhappy/resentful/angry. After 40 years it is putting our marriage in jeopardy but he can't or won't see it.

We have a very nervy rescue cat. She hates new situations, will easily not eat for ages if she is unsettled, hates new places and people.
We moved last summer. She hid IN the packing boxes. Went ballistic when we shut her in our bedroom while the movers were in - and calmed down as soon as one of the kids went and sat with her. I thought she was going to find the new house hard. 24 hours, and it was like she had always lived in the new house. For her, at any rate, it is the people (and maybe furniture) she is attached to, not the fabric of the building.

I think your partners reasons to move are more compelling than yours to stay. I think you should agree a point in time to move, not just "not now".

i can’t believe this is really true, but it seems so the ‘ possible’ but by no means certain unhappiness of your dog if you move, is more important to you than the actual unhappiness of your DP living where he does.

hmmm

’DP says he’s found a house which he wants to buy and we will need to sell our current house as I can’t afford to buy him out. I don’t want to move because it will unsettle my dog, what can I do? ‘

What if you look and find a lovely house? I moved into my dh house, hated it, neighbours were a nightmare but he loved the house. I knew moving would be beneficial, I knew we'd find something else and so because my dh took into account how the neighbours were affecting me he agreed. It took us two years but 6 years later we live in a house we absolutely love and he agrees it was the best decision.

Thing is is this isn't fair on him in that 'No resolution' means 'not moving' and thus you 'win.' There's no compromise whatsoever going on on your side. I like the idea of not giving a pointless 'in the future' but saying 'can I enjoy this house for one more year, then we will.'

@Ough - you have valid reasons for wanting to stay put. But I think your DH has equally valid reasons for wanting to move.

I think my main reason for staying put at the moment would be that the market is so unpredictable right now with interest rates etc.

I think I would suggest you park the idea for this year and maybe start looking next year. Or start keeping an eye on Rightmove now anyway - you never know you may find your dream house and then your reasons may not seem as important.

It sounds like you care more about the dog than your partner tbh.

The issue is that you don't seem to be having a proper discussion. You've said it's not a splitting up matter, but if your DP is unhappy and feels trapped the choice may be taken out of your hands. You need genuine compromise, have a discussion and put a timescale on when you will put the house on the market.

@Iwasafool - how practical is your current house as you get older? My MIL should have moved ten years ago (earlier really) but could never face the upheaval and is now stuck as she is in her mid 80s and in an unsuitable cluttered house and feels it’s now far too late.

Putting the dog's perceived needs (which frankly are your perceptions rather than what would actually happen) above your life partner's happiness seems insane to me.

He REALLY wants to start actively planning a move. And you're entrenched in your refusal because of the dog.

I'd be pretty pissed off if I were your partner.

DP's not unhappy. He wants to move but he's not sad or feeling trapped here.

Since we adopted her, we've both prioritised the dog's happiness above our own and each other's in various ways. That's why I'm confused about him wanting to move now. We've forsaken holidays, days out trips, even deprioritised some aspects of our jobs -all for the dog. Yep, we're insane.

I do actually look on RM regularly because its addictive.

There's only been one house up in the last 18 months that we'd have considered. We went to view it. I quite liked it and we started to look into the finances (we could've just bought it without selling our current house). But then DP changed his mind.

Zero chance of that happening - DP doesn't ever look at RightMove 😂

I could afford to buy him out. But we're absolutely nowhere near that, nowhere near splitting up.

Aside from the dog thing 😆I agree with a PP that the uncertain state of the markets is surely a pretty big driver to stay put, hold tight and not take any risks.

You mention that one of the reasons to move is that DP doesn’t like being in a terraced house. Can I ask why you bought your current house if he felt that way? Or is this a new priority for him after living in a terraced house for a few years?

Of course. We were first time buyers and just wanted a property. We looked at a lot of places - some terrace, some semi and even a small detached. But we fell in love with this house and its location. So while we did 'just want a property', we didn't compromise too much or approach it as 'we'll be here five years max'. There wasn't really a plan for how long we'd be here.

We'd rented a terrace just before we bought this place which was differently configured so some of the issues we have in our current terrace (e.g. going through the dining room to access the kitchen), we didn't have in our old terrace.

Sorry I didn't actually finish answering your question!

It's kind of a new priority, yes, and tied up with the fact we can afford a non-terrace. I mean DP's focus on not being attached any more has emerged because we can afford to not be attached any more. If that makes sense!

DP doesn't want to be attached to anyone, hence moving from a terrace. I'm not too fussed - we have lovely, quiet neighbours. But I absolutely agree that it'd be good to get rid of some aspects of terrace life (I'd love a back gate at the side of my house!).