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Original poster

Deadlock over house move.

39 replies

Ough · 12/07/2023 10:00

I need to vent, will you all indulge me a little, please, and let me let off some steam.

The crux of it is that DP wants me move house but I don't. We will move in the future but I don't want to move right now. DP does.
After talking it round and round with no resolution, we mostly just ignore it and get on with life. But sometimes things will spark a discussion which gets heated - not a row, just frustration on both sides.

Early hours of this morning, a couple down the road had a row and woke us up. The police were out to them at 8.30am. On seeing the van, DP said "let's have a look on RightMove". I laughed. He said "No, I'm serious, I'm not living here much longer". Cue a heated discussion and then he left for work.

There's no resolution and its absolutely not a splitting up matter. But it's frustrating. Whenever something happens on the street (not a regular occurance but we've one rogue landlord whose had some dodgy tenants over the years) my heart drops because I know DP's adding it to his 'bank' of reasons why we should move now.

I'm just sitting here (working from home) frustrated, and I need to vent!

OP posts:

Iwasafool · 12/07/2023 12:27

Peridot1 · 12/07/2023 11:42

@Iwasafool - how practical is your current house as you get older? My MIL should have moved ten years ago (earlier really) but could never face the upheaval and is now stuck as she is in her mid 80s and in an unsuitable cluttered house and feels it’s now far too late.

Four bed detached, bathroom, ensuite and downstairs loo, lounge dining room and "family room" whatever that's supposed to be, sun lounge (full of husband's junk see below) plus double garage. Garage, sun lounge and loft full of his junk (or should I say his valuable collections of......junk) plus the large shed is also full to bursting.

So much bigger than we need plus he has very limited mobility so a bungalow would be much more sensible plus living closer to two of our children (which is where I want to go) would be sensible. I don't expect them to look after me, we can pay for help if we need it, but travelling 200 miles to see family gets more difficult.

Hopeless isn't it.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 12/07/2023 12:36

If you have only seen one house in 18 months it doesn't sound as if you are likely to move anytime soon. I would maybe say to yes start looking but only for the 'ideal' house. It means you won't miss something you love but you probably won't be moving any time too soon anyway. I think the dog will fit in with you. Having more garden space for the dog would be good anyway especially as it gets older.

charabang · 12/07/2023 15:33

I feel that your DH has the edge on reasons to move. You have already said you will move at some point so why not put your time and energy into a new property. You want to stay in the area so will still have your friends and neighbours to hand. Gardens grow...quickly. It doesn't strike me as fair to say you'll move when the dog dies as you just don't know how long it will be.

Original poster

Ough · 12/07/2023 15:42

I'm really not at all intending to be goady or argumentative but why do people feel that DP's reasons are more valid than my reasons to stay? Leaving aside the issue of the dog that is!

OP posts:

momtoboys · 12/07/2023 15:56

This sounds difficult for you both. I am a huge dog love - have two rescues myself. I realize that sacrifices have to be made sometimes when you commit to having an animal. However, I think that making the animal in your family the priority rather than your partners feelings, is a mistake.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 13/07/2023 01:02

Iwasafool · 12/07/2023 10:50

I want to move and my husband won't. His reason is he "hasn't got long" (he's 76 so could easily have 20 years) and doesn't want the upheaval.

My reasons are family all left for uni and stayed in their uni cities, we are isolated, we live in a very unfriendly road. Lived here for 26 years so I can't see that changing.

It is making me unhappy/resentful/angry. After 40 years it is putting our marriage in jeopardy but he can't or won't see it.

Move on your own! You've only got one life - live it!

Peridot1 · 13/07/2023 07:54

@Ough - I think you both have valid reasons for your positions. We moved almost 3 years ago and DH would have been happy to stay where we were. Similar reasons to you in fact. We had done a big renovation and had the house as we wanted it. Same for the garden. However neither DS nor I were happy where we were. So we moved. And are really happy. He loves the house. We are in a nice village. Much friendlier than our previous area.

I suspect your DP is feeling you are discounting his feelings by saying no. Whereas if you said you were open to looking he might feel more heard on the issue. And by actively looking you may find a house you love enough to make it worthwhile moving. And equally he might find that actually nothing meets the criteria exactly enough to make a move now.

But your current entrenched no to even looking is causing the deadlock.

longtompot · 13/07/2023 10:15

Ough · 12/07/2023 15:42

I'm really not at all intending to be goady or argumentative but why do people feel that DP's reasons are more valid than my reasons to stay? Leaving aside the issue of the dog that is!

Not more valid, but you did say that you would be moving in the future, but he doesn't know when that future is. I think it's a lot to expect one half of the relationship to be unhappy with where they live. He can't currently change that the house is attached, or how some of the neighbours are whilst living there, even if he loves the actual house and garden, but buy moving I think for him it's sounds like there is a light to a quieter, happier place.
The thing is, even if you do move, there might be something one of you doesn't like, whereas now it's a known quantity.

I would probably say if the right house came up with the interest rates being right for you then you'd move.

Why didn't he go for the other house you both liked?

Original poster

Ough · 13/07/2023 11:07

Thank you!

DP rejected the house we looked at because it was just a bit "meh" - he didn't get a buzz on walking into the house. Since we're not desperate to move, he wants to wait for that buzz.

The trouble is that I think DP likes the idea of having a big house, large garden, more room, no attached neighbours etc. But that will always come with some compromises and I don't think DP knows yet what his compromise limits/rules are - what he'll compromise on and what he won't. And I think he hasn't decided on those yet because moving has always been a fairly nebulous and abstract thing.

OP posts:

Newusernamee · 13/07/2023 12:48

Ough · 13/07/2023 11:07

Thank you!

DP rejected the house we looked at because it was just a bit "meh" - he didn't get a buzz on walking into the house. Since we're not desperate to move, he wants to wait for that buzz.

Maybe if you make moving more real - go see some houses, see the reality, he will have a better perspective on the house you are currently in and won’t feel like it’s so bad? Or at least then he will feel like he’s actively choosing to stay there because the grass isn’t greener? And if you do find something amazing then surely that’s a win win?

WhisperGold · 13/07/2023 14:11

@Ough Why was that a dick thing to say? Sounded fine to me. I'm team #ListIt.

SoundTheSirens · 13/07/2023 14:37

It sounds like your DP might have a slightly idealistic/unformed image of living 'unattached', and it may be that if you agree to view a few properties it actually slows him down a little, if they don't match his vague ideal. I would suggest that you agree to start looking in, say, early spring 2024, on the basis that it gives you more time to enjoy your current house and hopefully an indication of what interest rates might be doing - but that it's on him to take the lead in the property search, checking RP/booking viewings etc. If he's the one who wants to move, it's only fair that he does the early legwork.

Original poster

Ough · 13/07/2023 14:50

@SoundTheSirens @Newusernamee Thanks, some really good ideas for a compromise here.

I do think that if DP started to seriously look, it might temper his interest a little bit because there are actually very few houses coming up, and the 'real-ness' of moving, renovating etc. might sink in.
I also suspect that if/when push came to shove, he actually also wouldn't want to move the dog!

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 13/07/2023 21:11

Ough · 12/07/2023 15:42

I'm really not at all intending to be goady or argumentative but why do people feel that DP's reasons are more valid than my reasons to stay? Leaving aside the issue of the dog that is!

I don't

Much as I love where I live now I hated moving as soon as our last house was 'finished'. It was our first and I loved it.

I would also be loath to leave a newly planted/growing garden.

And interest rates? No chance

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