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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Financial struggles, partner expecting me to pay for everything.

52 replies

Whyme82 · 12/07/2023 09:41

So my partner is out of work due to being on probation (he had to quit his job at a back) due to this. His been off a year but last year was given 80k from the sale of his family home and he had other savings that took him over 100k in total. He has been paying the rent (£800) and some grocery whilst I have been managing all the bills, majority of the things/clothes for our toddler 1 year old and paying for groceries. Now, I’ve returned to work this month but for the last month or so his been telling me his running out of money and I need to manage rent. I said that’s fine but yesterday his mentioned I need to manage rent, bills, grocery shop and obvs the expenditures for my toddler all of my one wage of £1600? Now here’s the thing, I don’t really believe his running out of money, I mean how? We don’t go out, (we do order quite a bit of takeaway) but rent and takeaway won’t make him run out of 100k+. He doesn’t have addictions except smoking weed but obvs not 100k worth of weed in a year lol. I now feel so pressured, I been thinking how will I manage all them finances and maintain my child? I like buying him stuff and managing his upkeep now I’m feeling so depressed thinking he will get less how will I afford it all? Our energy bill alone is £300 a month. His just being a stay at home dad, he said he will sign on and maybe find a local job at a restaurant somewhere but he isn’t pushing to because I know he still has his savings which is fine but surely It’s weird his saying he has no money now. And also when he said I had to pay bills when on maternity I agreed now I’m having to pay everything wtf

OP posts:
Whadda · 12/07/2023 09:46

Surely there are other men available within a ten mile radius and you don’t need to stay with this utter loser?

zoomiesdrivememad · 12/07/2023 09:51

There is no way he's spent 100K in a year unless he's been doing some serious gambling / weed smoking.

I'd be asking him to prove his savings and advise you cannot physically pay for everything.

If he refuses. There is your answer.

Dullardmullard · 12/07/2023 09:53

There’s a word for him

Cocklodger

tell him no he has to pay too not just you.

Whyme82 · 12/07/2023 09:54

He said all his money was in stocks/crypto and it crashed around the beginning of June and it’s hit him. I don’t buy it because ok whatever but the 80k wasn’t in stocks.

OP posts:
3BSHKATS · 12/07/2023 09:54

He won’t be signing on with even 80 K in the bank, which is by my rough calculation what he should have left.

He has money. What do you means to say is he doesn’t want to spend any more of it on his family. Just to be crystal clear on that. It’s you and your son he doesn’t want to spend the money on. You aren’t worth it in his mind.

Daffodil18 · 12/07/2023 09:55

Lots of people on probation have jobs. Probation Officers can even help you get a job. It’s an excuse and he’s taking you for a fool!

3BSHKATS · 12/07/2023 09:56

The thing is on £1600 a month if you get rid of him, you’ll be entitled to Universal credit. It’s to help you with your rent. And child benefit and he can still be the stay at home dad doing the childcare for now. And then when he gets a job you can claim help with your childcare cost as well as him contributing via the child maintenance service.

There’s no losers here except him, so he might want to reconsider his position.

Mumtothreegirlies · 12/07/2023 09:58

He’s a criminal, who smokes weed, doesn’t work and expects you to work and foot the bill with a 1 year old. Kick him out and move on

Whyme82 · 12/07/2023 10:00

He tried to sign on last year in October and they saw his savings and rejected him so idk how from October being rejected for having a lot of money to NOW his run out? Bullshit. And job centre wouldn’t have seen his “stocks” so it obviously was in his account not his stocks. I never ever ever even ask him for money even if he has a lot I never ask to buy nice stuff or do anything for me I’ve never been that partner so idk why he would hide it? Yes he paid the rent, he brought things in between and done some grocery shops but I did the bills and everything else that he was doing too. The only thing he gave me money for was my nails once a month. I have struggled through maternity and built up debt and borrowed but didn’t ask him for a penny towards it. I mean even our sofa is second hand £300 or something we didn’t even get a new one because he didn’t want to spend too much. Whereas in his previous relationship he paid of his ex’s overdraft of 4k he provided for them etc but why with me when I don’t even ask of anything is he doing this? I’m in such a panic rn as to how I’m going to manage all this

OP posts:
MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 12/07/2023 10:00

I doubt he even had 100k to begin with. I would ask him to prove it.
That said he can't just sign on either, dwp wil investigate how he managed to spend 100k in a year with nothing to show they'll want bank statements the lot.

He's a looser.

Whyme82 · 12/07/2023 10:09

I mean I work from home so I still wake up do feed my little one, cook lunch most days I’ll still do all the laundry tidying. He will tidy, make breakfast for toddler, take bins out and tidy up too but it’s not like his doing more than me regardless

OP posts:
Sunnydaysarentagiveneveninjuly · 12/07/2023 10:11

He needs gone. This week end... Claim whatever help you will be entitled to from Monday op.. He is a leech...

Whadda · 12/07/2023 10:12

So why are you with him?

He’s dragging you down, and your son will end up exposed to drugs and so much worse off for having to be brought up on a chaotic household.

Yea2023 · 12/07/2023 10:15

I can understand him not wanting to spend the capital, but he needs to get a job to contribute his share to your home as he did before the probation/house sale.

You mention sale of family home - does he have additional children? Is he seeing/paying for them?

He is a freeloader and I’d get rid.

Whyme82 · 12/07/2023 10:19

But how will I work with him gone? I can’t afford childcare, I don’t have anyone who can watch him I feel so stuck

OP posts:
Yea2023 · 12/07/2023 10:21

Whyme82 · 12/07/2023 10:19

But how will I work with him gone? I can’t afford childcare, I don’t have anyone who can watch him I feel so stuck

Have you done a universal credit calculation? They help with childcare.

He may be ‘helping’ with childcare but you are paying for the roof over his head too.

Whyme82 · 12/07/2023 10:23

Would they help me even if I’m receiving 1600-1700 a month? I’ve not added childcare and looked at it but I live in a village and am limited the local one charges a little over 300 a week for my hours of work

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 12/07/2023 10:26

He can hand contact with the child and do childcare then?

you get help with childcare fees and rent go and check out the calculator

he is taking advantage of you

he will continue to do so if you let him

Whyme82 · 12/07/2023 10:28

I know if I get rid he will refuse to help me with the little one so I won’t be able to go and work and I’ll have a look at the calculator thank you so much

OP posts:
Yea2023 · 12/07/2023 10:30

At 1600/1700 PM it’s possible that you would have got help now as a couple if not for his savings.

But the finances are a moot point, he sounds useless.

Whyme82 · 12/07/2023 10:38

Omg I’ve had a look and UC will pay the £300 weekly to nursery!! Thank you so much

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 12/07/2023 10:40

He sounds like a catch
Is there any point to him?

picklsey · 12/07/2023 10:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

LittleOwl153 · 12/07/2023 10:48

He doesn't want you to have access to money he doesn't control by the sounds of things.

Tell him YOU can't afford the rent, bulks etc as you have debt that needs paying so will be focusing your earnings on paying that off first. And I'd do it too as I don't think you are married any debt you have you will take with you whilst he sits on his big savings account.

Glad UC can help you sort nursery and enable you to get rid of the cocklodger!

LittleOwl153 · 12/07/2023 10:49

Oh and if it's not a case of leaving immediately make sure you shift the bills into his name so he can't leave you with those debts too.

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