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Original poster

Would you make an effort with this man?

32 replies

shoega · 12/07/2023 09:21

I met a guy on one of these dating apps and we last week we agreed to meet up a week later, so we had ample time to decide where to meet.

He said he'd look online and pick a place to go for drinks, but suggested I look too. I went back to him and said that I don't drink, so I'm not fussy about where we go for drinks and I'd be happy to go meet wherever he chooses.

Tomorrow is the date and he still hasn't decided where to meet. He keeps messaging me about the area, but caveating it with 'he still needs to look online for a place to meet.'

It's not so hard to pick a bar/pub whatever. Is it? I'm deliberately leaving it to him because he's choosing to go where suits him, not me (I've suggested a coffee house if he can't seem to make up his mind). Is this a red flag?

My last two dates with other people have been similar; not wanting to put any thought into meeting; so, for example, my last date said 'let's meet by the river and take it from there' and I had to point out that the Southbank is a stretch and overcrowded during the summer, the least we can do is meet by a landmark that makes it easy to spot each other. Anyway, my lesson from the bad dates was that if they can't put any thought into a first date, it's a red flag and will only go downhill from there (in the case of the last two dates, turned out they were reluctant to pay for their drinks/ food and put me in an uncomfortable situation where I paid and never wanted to see them again).

Please advise me. Is this the norm in dating? I'm in my mid-30s and it's frustrating that I haven't met someone who wants to make an effort.

OP posts:
1ittlegreen · 12/07/2023 09:23

Although it shouldn't do, may be not drinking is putting them off, in which case, that's a red flag. Next!

Jeannieofthelamp · 12/07/2023 09:31

I think it's normal in London, because there are just so many people. No one needs to make an effort because there are literally millions of other options if the one in front of you doesn't go anywhere. Some people will be arranging several dates a week, maybe more than one in an evening. I don't think you can expect dates to be very invested. It's an absolutely awful dating scene if you're looking for something more serious so I sympathise.

Jeannieofthelamp · 12/07/2023 09:31

(Assuming you're in London from the Southbank reference)

thishasnotmyweek · 12/07/2023 09:39

Hmm this wouldn’t be a red flag to me because I’m the same.

It could be that he wants to research and find something nice but he just hasn’t found the time to sit down and do it yet. You might not be fussy, but he doesn’t know that yet and might feel like you’d judge him if he picked somewhere middle of the road.

As long as he picks before the time you need to leave, I don’t see a problem

Dacadactyl · 12/07/2023 09:42

I would in no way describe what he's doing as a red flag.

See where he comes up with and take it from there. If he doesn't come up with anywhere, I still wouldn't describe it as a red flag, just incompatibility.

Bunnyhair · 12/07/2023 09:53

I don’t see a red flag.

It is really hard to decide where to go when someone gives you no idea of what they might enjoy.

Personally I would not write someone off for this. But if it is v important to you to find someone super decisive and take-charge and organised, this may not be your man.

80s · 12/07/2023 09:56

You don't sound very enthusiastic yourself. Maybe that's coming across?

Original poster
shoega · 12/07/2023 10:27

Yes I live in London.
It's explicitly stated on my profile that I don't drink, so not sure why they'd match with me if that's a turn off for them. I'm a good sport at the bar regardless; I'd have a lemonade or something of that sort.
I was enthusiastic in the beginning until he was doing the back and forth indecision as I don't want to fall back into the habit of being the fixer/doer in a relationship. I want someone who can take the lead on even the most trivial things.
I'm still keen, just cautious. If he were to choose a place before the agreed time today, I'd go. I've texted him, so fingers crossed.

OP posts:
Incognito2023 · 12/07/2023 10:29

Not really a red flag, could just be a sign that he’s trying to pick a good place to ensure date goes well - lot of pressure?

honeypancake · 12/07/2023 10:31

No red flag at all. It is the first introductory date which usually doesn't require much planning as you may even like each other in person. So the more casual the better. He is touch and will suggest something, or you meet up and pick a place. I think you are being too fussy. Now if you do like each other I would like the second and third date to be a bit better planned but also some people are just bad at planning. Why don't you suggest a specific place that you like?

80s · 12/07/2023 10:36

If you've had a similar experience several times, it might be worth trying someone who's not your usual type. I used to go for the nice, safe type and avoid men I thought were players. After breaking up with my "nice" exh I decided to just have a bit of fun instead. I would now never go for a "nice" man again!

Original poster
shoega · 12/07/2023 11:33

I don't have a type to be honest. I tend to go for people who are interesting and with whom it feels right, but of course that hasn't paid off thus far.

My text to him was that if finding a pub is such a task, we could alternatively meet over the weekend for coffee. He responded saying that's fine. So, I will suggest someplace to him.

OP posts:
Chewbaccaslime · 12/07/2023 11:37

shoega · 12/07/2023 11:33

I don't have a type to be honest. I tend to go for people who are interesting and with whom it feels right, but of course that hasn't paid off thus far.

My text to him was that if finding a pub is such a task, we could alternatively meet over the weekend for coffee. He responded saying that's fine. So, I will suggest someplace to him.

So you jumped in and fixed it then? Like you said you weren't going to do?

I'm gonna be blunt here, if you want to stop jumping in to fix everything, you need to actually stop doing it. You also need to accept that people might do something differently to how you would.

PaintedEgg · 12/07/2023 12:08

if he was really interested you could meet up at any place, literally train station doorway if needed be, and then go into whatever place was open next door

I'd say his behaviour is a red flag, but only because I seriously dislike indecisive people who can make an issue out of everything

aflix · 12/07/2023 12:12

I doubt this date will happen OP.

thecatinthetwat · 12/07/2023 12:14

I don’t think it’s a red flag. Also I don’t understand why you wouldn’t suggest somewhere. Whether you drink alcohol or not doesn’t make any difference to choosing a place/location etc. I would have thrown some ideas out at the very least. Otherwise it may seem as though you aren’t very interested or expect them to do all the work.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 12/07/2023 12:45

Suggest The Black Friar at Blackfriars. It's a lovely pub and plenty to look at with the decor if you're stuck for conversation.

datingred · 12/07/2023 15:00

it would be a red flag to me because I don't want to be with someone who is either a) indecisive or b) lazy/not that interested. Ultimately it's got to be one of those things, right? He's either worrying about where might be good for x, y z reason and can't decide, or he's not that interested in planning it/lazy and wants you to plan it. I'm sure there'll be plenty on here who say why should he plan and not you etc, but for me, that would be red flag/dealbreaker for me. The handful of dates I've been on like this have all been very non-assertive men who were really wrong for me. So depends on what youre looking for - it would have been a no for me...

Original poster
shoega · 12/07/2023 21:00

Thank you @datingred
I've unmatched him. Reverted back to trusting my instinct. If someone is keen to meet me, it shouldn't be such a chore.

OP posts:
Original poster
shoega · 12/07/2023 21:05

We are 2 miles apart and in some of our conversations, he'd mentioned going to a concert and meeting up with friends, so he's not as obtuse as to be incapable of specifying where to meet.
When I'd suggested a coffee house close to us in Central London, he began questioning whether we should stay central and go elsewhere.
If he can't make up his mind about where to meet or go with my plan, how would be able to make other important decisions? It'll drive me mad eventually.

OP posts:
FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 12/07/2023 21:10

I agree OP.
Surely everyone has a handful of places they could suggest at the drop of a hat.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/07/2023 21:10

Some are totally clueless with locations. The smooth player types are always good though so it could be they're just new at dating. I think it's fine for you to suggest a landmark or location eg the pret in waterloo station, even if you move on from there.
My pet hate is when someone says to meet outside a tube station, someone is always late so someone is waiting in the cold and the other person has no reception to let them know about their delay- much better to meet inside a safe location where you can go to loo, touch up make up and have a drink while waiting.
If I were you as a non drinker I would suggest coffee or ice cream as a first date- it will help you weed out men that are v heavy drinks or are too shy without a drink.
I also will only meet a man I've had a phone call with first- such a time saver as you can weed out anyone that you definitely wouldn't have a fun conversation with

BeverlyHa · 12/07/2023 21:19

keep seeing them until you meet the one who is suitable...i met my husband not in a cafe but in a place next to a statue. From there went to a beach and it was so hot. The man was utterly ( still is ) gorgeous. He was so excited to see me, locked his wallet in his car which was a mile away by now. I paid for a drink from a beach cafe and then later, when the temperatures cooled down, we went back to his car, he took out his wallet, paid for the dinner we had and until today aeons later, he keeps paying. You never know with online dating.

guineacup · 12/07/2023 21:26

@shoega

My text to him was that if finding a pub is such a task, we could alternatively meet over the weekend for coffee. He responded saying that's fine. So, I will suggest someplace to him.

If I got a passive aggressive message like I'd unmatch you!

guineacup · 12/07/2023 21:32

I went back to him and said that I don't drink, so I'm not fussy about where we go for drinks and I'd be happy to go meet wherever he chooses.

Why does the fact you don't drink alcohol have any bearing on where you go and have a drink on a first date? To me you'd come across as both odd, and lazy for trying to use such nonsensical logic to get me to do the work of finding somewhere. I wouldn't have unmatched you for that alone, but it would have made me wary.

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