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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've really messed up, how to move forward?

34 replies

fluffyguineapig · 12/07/2023 09:20

My husband got a job offer in the USA for a lot more money than he was earning in the UK, so I agreed to move with him and our two children. One has a disability and needs a lot of care so before we left I was claiming DLA for him and carers allowance for me, but compared to the extra money on offer in the USA it made sense to give that up and move.

Fast forward a few years and husband has decided that he no longer wants a family. He cancelled our visas to force us out of the country. We've been back in the UK a few weeks and he hasn't sent any money yet. When he's in a good mood he says that he'll send some soon, and when he's in a bad mood he says he doesn't see why I should get to line my pockets with his money and that I should get a job.

My immediate problem is that I have no income available to me at all. I have some (rapidly dwindling) savings which we are living on, but we need to sort something out before the savings run out.

I can think of three sources of income - him sending money, me getting benefits and me working - but I don't know how to secure any of these and could really do with some advice!

Is there a way of compelling him to send money for the children?

From what I've read we aren't eligible for benefits for anything from three to six months as we don't count as resident in the UK so it's a medium term solution but we can't last that long on savings. I also don't know if his income/savings would prevent us from getting benefits? He's kept me in the dark financially so I don't know if he has savings or not.

I would love to work but one of my children has a school place from September and the other needs a specialist place which is a long, difficult and time consuming process which looks like it will be done by the end of November if we're lucky. Even then he wouldn't be able to access childcare so any job would need to be school hours and term time only.

I feel really stupid for putting myself into this situation and I'm really hoping that I'm not the first and somebody might be able to give me some advice as to what to do next?

OP posts:
thishasnotmyweek · 12/07/2023 09:30

Sorry this is happening to you, your husband sounds like a real piece of work.

I’m no help on the legal side of things / if you can force him to send money.

But do you have any family support available? Or friends? It might be embarrassing to ask for help but at this point you have to exhaust every option.

I would also try and contact his parents (if possible) and ask them for help

would you be able to do WFH? You can try and look look for online jobs that have flexible hours (think call centres / online assistants) but I don’t know how easy these are to come by

I hope someone comes along who can give you better advice than me x

Original poster
fluffyguineapig · 12/07/2023 09:46

thishasnotmyweek · 12/07/2023 09:30

Sorry this is happening to you, your husband sounds like a real piece of work.

I’m no help on the legal side of things / if you can force him to send money.

But do you have any family support available? Or friends? It might be embarrassing to ask for help but at this point you have to exhaust every option.

I would also try and contact his parents (if possible) and ask them for help

would you be able to do WFH? You can try and look look for online jobs that have flexible hours (think call centres / online assistants) but I don’t know how easy these are to come by

I hope someone comes along who can give you better advice than me x

Thank you! I'm completely baffled by his behaviour, it's so out of character for him. I do have lots of friends who can help practically and they are wonderful, but none who have spare cash to be giving out unfortunately.

I called his mum and she said that she didn't want to get involved - I don't know what he's said to her of course, as she was very standoffish.

Call centre is exactly the kind of thing that I'll be looking at when the kids are finally at school, but not suitable for doing while the kids are home I think.

Thank you x

OP posts:
80s · 12/07/2023 09:50

Where are you living now? If he has effectively made you homeless, and it's only your savings keeping a roof over your head, how about contacting Shelter? You don't have to be currently living on the streets to seek their advice. Women's Aid would also have emergency advice for you as a woman whose husband has subjected her to financial abuse.

Original poster
fluffyguineapig · 12/07/2023 10:00

80s · 12/07/2023 09:50

Where are you living now? If he has effectively made you homeless, and it's only your savings keeping a roof over your head, how about contacting Shelter? You don't have to be currently living on the streets to seek their advice. Women's Aid would also have emergency advice for you as a woman whose husband has subjected her to financial abuse.

I've just looked through the financial abuse thing and it really rings true. All the money went into his bank account with his name on it, I had no access to it. Every time I found a job that might work he would sabotage it - like not showing up to take the children when I had job interviews. Even when we moved to the USA he told me that my visa conditions wouldn't allow me to work - I later found that that wasn't true. And of course I gave up my son's DLA and my carers allowance to move, that was my final bit of independent income. I will try contacting Womens Aid later - I'm not sure they will be able to help though as he was never violent?

I won't be homeless thank goodness, we have a house in the UK and it's jointly held at my insistence. I am concerned that he will force a sale but right now that's a medium term concern and I'm more worried about the next few months.

OP posts:
80s · 12/07/2023 10:06

He does not have to have been violent for Women's Aid to advise you. He's clearly financially abusing you right now by cancelling your visas, stopping the flow of money and leaving you high and dry. You're in a vulnerable position and have dependent children. You're afraid he could sell your home.
He's probably found someone else he wants to spend his money with.

Original poster
fluffyguineapig · 12/07/2023 10:16

80s · 12/07/2023 10:06

He does not have to have been violent for Women's Aid to advise you. He's clearly financially abusing you right now by cancelling your visas, stopping the flow of money and leaving you high and dry. You're in a vulnerable position and have dependent children. You're afraid he could sell your home.
He's probably found someone else he wants to spend his money with.

Yes I strongly suspect an affair although I have no proof. It seems to have come out of nowhere and the visa cancelling is such bizarre behaviour.

OP posts:
80s · 12/07/2023 10:26

A personality transplant is typical of an affair. Could also explain why his mum is being funny - might be worth asking her rather than him. Have you pointed out that you have no money and will have to seek out a food bank before long?
You may not be from the same financial background as most people who seek emergency help, but you're in the same kind of situation - a situation that is not uncommon. Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed about using the structures that are available. You're working on a solution.

JellybabyToes · 12/07/2023 11:03

I’m so sorry you’re going through this op. Have you spoken with child maintenance service? I know it will be more difficult with him being abroad but off the top of my head, I think the uk has agreements with some countries over child support and the USA are much harsher on non-paying parents than in the uk. It’s worth the phone call at least.

I'm sending you lots of love and strength to get you all through. You WILL survive this and come out the other side stronger and happier Flowers

Original poster
fluffyguineapig · 12/07/2023 11:11

JellybabyToes · 12/07/2023 11:03

I’m so sorry you’re going through this op. Have you spoken with child maintenance service? I know it will be more difficult with him being abroad but off the top of my head, I think the uk has agreements with some countries over child support and the USA are much harsher on non-paying parents than in the uk. It’s worth the phone call at least.

I'm sending you lots of love and strength to get you all through. You WILL survive this and come out the other side stronger and happier Flowers

Thank you so much. I've had a look at the CMS and it seems like I can at least start a claim with them so that would be a good step forward, even if it might take a while to actually get any of the money!

OP posts:
Dery · 12/07/2023 13:32

He sounds vile, OP. A true abuser. And he has been violent, by the way, it’s just that his violence to you has been emotional, psychological and financial. The behaviour you describe is criminal behaviour - coercive control is a crime in the UK.

Actually you and your DCs are far better off without this very nasty man in your life. You just need to get things straight from a practical perspective and then I think you’ll find that you have a much happier life without him in it.

LifeExperience · 12/07/2023 13:53

The US will garnish up to 50% of his earnings and send it to you in the UK, so you need to get the legal ball rolling.

billyt · 12/07/2023 13:55

Doesn't sound like the apple fell far from the tree if his mother isn't helping you and her grandchildren.

Doesn't want to get involved? What a bitch.

Have you told her the full situation as I'm bloody shocked she said that?

Jom222 · 12/07/2023 14:48

Have a look at this link, maybe it can provide some help for you to collect child support.
https://www.acf.hhs.gov/css/parents/help/international-parents

The state the feckless man resides in is where you get things started. Sorry he's been such a jerk! But the USA is pretty forceful about collecting child support, assuming his income is all on the books hey will get the money from him.

International Parents

The United States government has arrangements with other countries to provide child support services

https://www.acf.hhs.gov/css/parents/help/international-parents

Jom222 · 12/07/2023 14:49

they not hey

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 12/07/2023 14:50

Speak to women’s aid about benefits - although you’ve been out of the country residency can be quite complicated so you may qualify sooner than you think.

LosingMyPancakes · 12/07/2023 14:52

How did he cancel your visas?

Artycrafts · 12/07/2023 14:53

The courts won't force the sale of your house, with dependents living with you.

Original poster
fluffyguineapig · 12/07/2023 15:16

Dery · 12/07/2023 13:32

He sounds vile, OP. A true abuser. And he has been violent, by the way, it’s just that his violence to you has been emotional, psychological and financial. The behaviour you describe is criminal behaviour - coercive control is a crime in the UK.

Actually you and your DCs are far better off without this very nasty man in your life. You just need to get things straight from a practical perspective and then I think you’ll find that you have a much happier life without him in it.

Thank you <3 I really hope that we will all be okay in the end, it's been really horrible but at least me and the children are together and safe, anything else can be sorted out.

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffyguineapig · 12/07/2023 15:17

LifeExperience · 12/07/2023 13:53

The US will garnish up to 50% of his earnings and send it to you in the UK, so you need to get the legal ball rolling.

Sorry I know I should know all this, by getting the legal ball rolling do you mean that I should start divorce proceedings?

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffyguineapig · 12/07/2023 15:21

billyt · 12/07/2023 13:55

Doesn't sound like the apple fell far from the tree if his mother isn't helping you and her grandchildren.

Doesn't want to get involved? What a bitch.

Have you told her the full situation as I'm bloody shocked she said that?

Yes I told her in March that he was forcing me out of the country and she pretended that I hadn't said anything and just started talking about Easter eggs. I texted her last night to let her know that he has said that he won't send any money and I don't know what to do or how I'm going to feed the kids and she said "You will appreciate that it's difficult for us to get involved" then changed the subject. I know my son is only little and it's different when you have an adult son, but I think this callous treatment is way past the getting involved stage!

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffyguineapig · 12/07/2023 15:24

LosingMyPancakes · 12/07/2023 14:52

How did he cancel your visas?

He was on a J1 and me and the kids were on J2s, then he had to transfer to the H1B and I'm not sure the exact sequence of events because there was definitely an application for H4s at some point but it was either not completed or cancelled. I don't know exactly because he did all the visa stuff. He announced that we no longer had visas as a sort of fait accompli.

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffyguineapig · 12/07/2023 15:33

Jom222 · 12/07/2023 14:48

Have a look at this link, maybe it can provide some help for you to collect child support.
https://www.acf.hhs.gov/css/parents/help/international-parents

The state the feckless man resides in is where you get things started. Sorry he's been such a jerk! But the USA is pretty forceful about collecting child support, assuming his income is all on the books hey will get the money from him.

This looks really promising, thank you. His income is all on the books so it sounds like it might be simpler than I feared to get him to pay.

OP posts:
80s · 19/07/2023 15:25

How is it looking @fluffyguineapig, have you made any progress?

OhComeOnFFS · 19/07/2023 15:51

There will definitely be another woman, OP. You need to file for divorce asap. I'll probably get kicked for saying this on here, but if his parents are like that, I wouldn't have any contact with them.

Original poster
fluffyguineapig · 19/07/2023 16:18

So he said he would send money on Friday but he didn't, and now he's said that he'll send some this Friday but I'm not holding my breath. I suspect he might be making short term promises all the time to stop me escalating the issue - if I'd known he wouldn't have sent any by now then I would have acted weeks ago!

He's also now saying that he isn't going to ship the rest of our stuff. He encouraged me to take just a suitcase each for me and the kids, and that he would send the rest of our stuff on - well now he's saying that he won't send us the rest of our stuff. Again it seems like it's deliberately done to cause the maximum amount of stress!

I've tried to get on the Womens Aid webchat a few times but haven't found it open yet, I'll keep trying though. And I've booked an (expensive) appointment with a lawyer for tomorrow, hopefully it will be worth it if they give me a plan to get him to contribute - I won't be able to keep paying a lawyer for very long so I don't know exactly how it's going to work out.

The lawyer seemed actually quite shocked about what has happened. I have read a lot more about coercive control, emotional abuse and financial abuse and can see that behaviour that I haven't really thought about in detail is actually not normal, and that each little incident is looking more like a deliberate pattern and less like isolated accidents.

So it's been pretty rough emotionally but the important thing is that I'm with my children and they are happy and are settling in well. Anything else we can face together I think. The savings are still ticking down but I feel less anxious and out of control about it now at least.

OP posts: