I've really messed up, how to move forward?

[fluffyguineapig]

My husband got a job offer in the USA for a lot more money than he was earning in the UK, so I agreed to move with him and our two children. One has a disability and needs a lot of care so before we left I was claiming DLA for him and carers allowance for me, but compared to the extra money on offer in the USA it made sense to give that up and move.

Fast forward a few years and husband has decided that he no longer wants a family. He cancelled our visas to force us out of the country. We've been back in the UK a few weeks and he hasn't sent any money yet. When he's in a good mood he says that he'll send some soon, and when he's in a bad mood he says he doesn't see why I should get to line my pockets with his money and that I should get a job.

My immediate problem is that I have no income available to me at all. I have some (rapidly dwindling) savings which we are living on, but we need to sort something out before the savings run out.

I can think of three sources of income - him sending money, me getting benefits and me working - but I don't know how to secure any of these and could really do with some advice!

Is there a way of compelling him to send money for the children?

From what I've read we aren't eligible for benefits for anything from three to six months as we don't count as resident in the UK so it's a medium term solution but we can't last that long on savings. I also don't know if his income/savings would prevent us from getting benefits? He's kept me in the dark financially so I don't know if he has savings or not.

I would love to work but one of my children has a school place from September and the other needs a specialist place which is a long, difficult and time consuming process which looks like it will be done by the end of November if we're lucky. Even then he wouldn't be able to access childcare so any job would need to be school hours and term time only.

I feel really stupid for putting myself into this situation and I'm really hoping that I'm not the first and somebody might be able to give me some advice as to what to do next?

What a piece of work. Maybe he really is hoping that if he keeps you stressed, you'll find it harder to make decisions. Hope the lawyer sets him right on that.
It's also worth calling or visiting advice centres in person as when you're speaking to a real person they're more likely to mention things in passing that might be useful, or refer you to a more useful resource for your particular situation.

It is easier to spot a pattern once you have the distance.

He is a horrible vile human being not only for doing this to you but the kids to. I really hope you get something sorted soon.

Apply for divorce

In this instance I would email his employer. His line manager, HR, the Head of Marketing and the CEO.

I have little doubt they will have words with him.

You can word your communication carefully.

The UK ambassador in the US should also some advice, including checking if visas have indeed expired (you can't cancel them).

If he has any of your documents, mention this to them.

This almost exact thing happened to me, except he was American. Left us in my country of origin, promised to be back and before I knew it he had ‘depression’ and ‘wanted a divorce’ ‘loved me but wasn’t in love with me’ etc which devolved into ‘why should I line your pockets’ and ‘please send the kids on a holiday to see me’ etc etc etc - turned really nasty oncd I started saying ‘no’ and refusing to dance to his tune….was accused of international kidnapping snd all sorts.

Guess what?

He was having an affair…

The thing that would worry me about this is that if I badmouth him to the wrong person and he loses his job he would have to leave the country, and I'd be worried that he would want to live in the marital home - plus if he isn't earning then there's no money for him to send!

I hadn't realised that you can't cancel visas. I got a notice through the post when we applied but nothing since, I just took his word for it that they were cancelled. That makes me feel very stupid, it sounds like that was probably another lie!

Oh my goodness it sounds so familiar! He did say that his mum could bring the children on holiday to visit him - I said no though as he's done some really stupidly dangerous things with the children so I don't trust him with them. I am quite concerned about the kidnapping thing, apparently he can get the children returned to him for the first six months we are here. How did it turn out for you?

It’s a tricky bit of law - the whole having the children returned thing - which pivots on whether as a family there was an intention to settle in the USA, and various other things.

m on the bare facts you’d given I’d say that there had never been any intention to settle.

but you’d need to speak to a specialist solicitor familiar with international family law.

Good place to start is speak to Reunite and as them for their list of recommended solicitors.

My case was a little different as we’d been in South East Asia for 10 months prior to us being left in my country of origin - which changed things considerably - plus he didn’t want ti be hounded for child support so he refused to acknowledge or have anything fo do with British Courts.

And thd answer to you sending the kids on holiday is ‘Not for now’ - until you’ve spoken to a legal expert and strengthened your position.