Dh resents my lack of ambitions… DS is 3 yo

[Blipblopblap]

Dh and I have a 3 year old son who is due to start morning school nursery soon. I currently work 2.5 days a week and Dh is full time self employed. He earns a lot and we’re comfortable at the moment but we don’t like where we live and want to move to a different area and get a bigger house. Dh actually hates our house… it’s a new build and the neighbours are a nightmare, the parkings atrocious, the house itself is pretty naff… it makes him super angry every single day.
I have an ordinary type of job and the money is poor. I don’t pay anything towards bills but I pay for childcare and bits and bobs like clothes and toys and the like.
Recently arguments have been brewing. He’s clearly resenting me that we rely so heavily on his earnings. He says for us to move to a bigger and better house I need to be working and earning more to help cover the bills should he be out of work (his work is contract based).
The only thing is then we would need a lot more childcare. And i love the routine I have at the moment and the thought of seeing my son a lot less literally makes me cry. I’m sure other mothers will understand this but he really doesn’t get it.
It’s all come to a head and he has threatened to sell up and get a divorce due to my “lack of ambition.” I don’t want this. He gets frustrated because Im not a career person but he has known this since he met me 14 years ago. But he is so unhappy in this house it’s making him ill, he’s desperate to move which is why there is so much pressure on me. I’ve told him I’ll do whatever it takes so I’m going to start looking at better jobs/courses etc. I just wanted to see what you all thought. As a mother to a young child it just feels wrong. But clearly it’s what my relationship needs.

@Ohmygiddyauntie

'Maybe the op doesn't want to progress, maybe she's content to just be.'

She's content to 'just be' because she is living off her DH - without his agreement.

And if you read the OP you'll see he is concerned about being self employed and a contractor.

I don't see wanting to upgrade the home and being worried about money as inconsistencies at all- they are both examples of the benefits and opportunities and security that comes from a two income household.

From the OP:
He says for us to move to a bigger and better house I need to be working and earning more to help cover the bills should he be out of work (his work is contract based).

@SunRainStorm they do have 2 incomes, she works part time 2.5 days a week and with a young non school child will probably end up paying more in nursery fees than the extra she would make as she says she doesn't have a 'professional wage' type job and may not have quals and skills to get one. I would revisit this if I was OP when child at school

There is a lot of denial from some women about the pressure that goes along with being the main breadwinner. In so many cases, it seems that the men are just expected to suck it up because that is somehow their manly duty.

If he wants a bigger and better house and high earning professional wife and child in full time nursery then I might say there's a mismatch here -

They have 1.5 incomes at best.

The child would be entitled to 30 funded hours.

And it sounds like OP is acknowledging that she could be earning more if she was career minded, she's chosen not to.

Yes, I agree it's a mismatch. I guess that's why he is talking about divorce.

well, they both imposed their views

she imposed her view that she doesn't have to pay for any bills

he imposed his view that he no longer wishes to support her

so I agree - that marriage was lost earlier on, but not just because of him

@SunRainStorm as I also said- I understand her reasons from a financial point of view too- but i don't think he's going to be satisfied even at full time if she is in more of a£25k a year type'job' than a £50k plus a year type profession- I think it's fundamental mismatch- he clearly would prefer a good house, good income hi flyer- I felt similar in my first marriage- it wasn't my Hs income in that case that was an issue- it was the lack of ambition of any kind and happy with the status quo . Didn't read, wasn't interested in current affairs , wasn't interested in good food I think he said to me'its just fuel' - didn't bother me at 15- it did bother me at 28.

She pays for childcare which is a bill and a very expensive one at that.

If he has decided that he no longer wants to support the mother of his children is he still expecting her to raise his children and pay for the childcare?

Would he want 50/50 custody or to pay the mother of his children maintenance proportionate to the salary he earns?

I'm a freelancer/contract based. I work really hard and have a good wage, but you simply don't have things like redundancy payouts or paid sick leave, so I can understand the constant fear if you're the only one supporting all the children plus adults in the family.

Focusing on kids is to me very important and valid, but (1) it is a service I would rather pay for (2) if we split the financial load, we both also get more time with children, instead of just my husband.

If there are 2 incomes, and if either my husband's or my work takes a hit, the one with less work has the backup option of pausing paid childcare to take care of our DC. If I'm the sole earner and my work takes a hit, then we essentially have 2 SAHP and children living off crumbs together.

Plus even if I'm doing well, I'd be hesitant to commit to upgrading my DC's living environment and circumstances, because of the instability of having just 1 income. See: threads about SAHM worrying about no longer being able to afford the mortgage because DH's formerly well-cushioned salary took a hit.

Fair enough, I agree they are mismatched. I wouldn't want to put up with that either.

I just think she sounds a bit oblivious- he has legitimate reasons for being unhappy and she just wants to cruise along enjoying her routine despite it.

I think they'll break up unless OP wakes up and makes an effort.

It is reasonable to think that if the OP's husband resigned from his current position and took a full time job earning the same hourly rate that she currently earns that the OP would be upset with the impact on the family' lifestyle.

She would probably view this as a selfish move on his part. She might even think of him as lacking in ambition and thinking only of his wants and preferences. The husband counters with. " It realized that the amount of family income generated is not important instead my contribution is going to be in doing more household maintenance and increasing time spent with son.

In essence he will create the kind of equality in roles that so many have championed in their responses. In this scenario OP could maintain her current status but with even more household help from her husband. The issue of dissatisfaction with the current house would become s non -issue because they could no longer afford that house and certainly nothing better. However, equality in the home would have been achieved. The husband would have seen the light. Not only would he have seen the value of the OP's philosophy of contribution, but he has adopted it as his own.

@Mari9999 yes I agree. If OP genuinely believes spending time with kids is more valuable than earning a certain sum, that option should be open to both OP and DH. Even though they would have to scrimp, having 2 mostly SAHPs would be very enriching for the child.

statistically he is most likely to dip and fight for every penny of maintenance payments 😒

but that's besides the point

also there are definitely men to do take on 50/50 custody or even demand it. a lot of women doesn't like it

@moonrakerr
Your idea of benefit and enrichment to the child would be to create another benefit qualifying subset? It is presumptuous to assume that all SAHP have something positive other than mere proximity to provide for their children.

Enrichment for the DC by living in a larger home???
Does that in turn mean those that don't live in a large home are missing out. The issue is some are invested in the material and not the familial.

Hubby expects the non career minded op to suddenly change into a career woman.
Rather unrealistic expectation.

@Ohmygiddyauntie
Unfortunately the cost of living is not tied to the OP's career or work aspirations. Increases come in spite of the OP's feelings that she has the right to maintain her status quo.

Perhaps her husband can negotiate to make in kind payments rather than currency payments to their various creditors. Maybe , he can offer to clean the house of the utility company manager or he can offer to cook for and chauffeur the children of his mortgage manager. Certainly, any reasonable creditors would see the equivalent value of these services.

If the OP does not wish to become " a career woman, " het husband might be satisfied if she were just to become a gainfully employed woman.

If the OP does not wish to become " a career woman, " het husband might be satisfied if she were just to become a gainfully employed woman.

But she already is a ‘gainfully employed woman’.
She has a job already.
But it so happens that her job doesn’t earn enough for her DH like.

Thats Why he doesn’t want her to work full time. He’s want so her to be a career woman instead.
Very different situation, starting with the fact no one has any idea if the OP can become a ‘career woman’. Not everyone can.

@QueensBees

There. Is a very real difference between just working and being gainfully employed.. My nephew mowed lawns when he was in high school. I don't think that anyone would have thought of him as gainfully employed even though he earned money for the services.

When an adult female chooses to give birth and at the same time decides that she is only going to work 2 days
per week, inherent in that position is the decisions is that someone else will be responsible for meeting all other ex living expenses for both herself and the child.

Working 2 days could be quite reasonable if you Ugenerated a substantial income in those 2 days. If the OP were a single parent , there is no mortgage lender or landlord that would deem her mortgage or renting worthy. Working 2 days a week does not make you some one who values quality time over material things. Most often it makes you a person who expects the basic and discretionary wants and needs to be met by someone other than yourself. It means that you think the role of adequate financial provider should belong to your partner.

Yes. It's appalling to see so much of that in 2023.

Yes OPs decision to work 2.5 days a week was entirely coincidentally the time she had a DC .

Presumably the DH was also involved in at least the conception of the DC and some conversation took place about OP going pt.

I mean it's not exactly a novel concept is it. A couple have a baby and one of the couple - usually the DM - goes part time. I would say it's rarer for both DPs to remain ft with a young DC despite all of the mumsnetters on this thread apparently doing exactly that.

@rookiemere and her DHs unhappiness seems to coincide with the fact that the child is likely now out of nappies

Agreeing to one partner taking time off work to care for a baby, or reducing to (very) part time to care for a toddler doesn't mean the other partner is obligated to support her forever.

It is a decision that gets reviewed over time as the needs of the family change.

The child is Three! Not an infant. Perfectly happy with nursery as far as we know. Due for 30 funded hours and then in school this time next year.

It is not a god given right to be supported by your partner just because you had a baby (three years ago).

What if DH decided OP was right and quality time with DS was more important than material things? Maybe he should reduce to 2.5 days a week and see how comfortable OP's life is then.

@Blipblopblap I can understand both of your points of view: being the one taking care of the household and your son, and witnessing him grow and develop while still contributing financially (even though not to the bills, the other expenses are still important), seems more than fair.

He on the other hand could be acting from a place of fear masked as deep frustration towards the living space as well as theats of divorce which is somewhat drastic. He is probably under a ton of stress but still does not warrant his behaviour towards you.

I would be good to try to get to the root of the issue by letting him know that you are committed to the stability and progression of the family - financially and otherwise. He also needs to see that it is possible for you to make more money (online) while being home with your son a few days a week, and that you are determined to make it work.

Here are some job-related and relationship-based resources that may help you though this journey as it has helped me:
grabjobs.co/
rplg.co/dbaa4e20

All the best @Blipblopblap and I hope that things turn around for you.