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Original poster

Dh resents my lack of ambitions… DS is 3 yo

603 replies

Blipblopblap · 12/07/2023 00:06

Dh and I have a 3 year old son who is due to start morning school nursery soon. I currently work 2.5 days a week and Dh is full time self employed. He earns a lot and we’re comfortable at the moment but we don’t like where we live and want to move to a different area and get a bigger house. Dh actually hates our house… it’s a new build and the neighbours are a nightmare, the parkings atrocious, the house itself is pretty naff… it makes him super angry every single day.
I have an ordinary type of job and the money is poor. I don’t pay anything towards bills but I pay for childcare and bits and bobs like clothes and toys and the like.
Recently arguments have been brewing. He’s clearly resenting me that we rely so heavily on his earnings. He says for us to move to a bigger and better house I need to be working and earning more to help cover the bills should he be out of work (his work is contract based).
The only thing is then we would need a lot more childcare. And i love the routine I have at the moment and the thought of seeing my son a lot less literally makes me cry. I’m sure other mothers will understand this but he really doesn’t get it.
It’s all come to a head and he has threatened to sell up and get a divorce due to my “lack of ambition.” I don’t want this. He gets frustrated because Im not a career person but he has known this since he met me 14 years ago. But he is so unhappy in this house it’s making him ill, he’s desperate to move which is why there is so much pressure on me. I’ve told him I’ll do whatever it takes so I’m going to start looking at better jobs/courses etc. I just wanted to see what you all thought. As a mother to a young child it just feels wrong. But clearly it’s what my relationship needs.

OP posts:
Hippyhippybake · 14/07/2023 15:51

I guess I just don’t relate to wording such as “signed up”, “suddenly deciding” and “moved the goalposts” in relation to my marriage, sounds a bit on the combative side.

Sceptre86 · 14/07/2023 16:03

If you split up over this, as a single parent you would need a job. I don't believe you don't know any working parents. Your child is 3 and whilst will always be your baby is not an actual baby anymore. You won't be any less of a mother if you work more days. What is resoundingly obvious is that he is unhappy with your current set up so that needs to change. It is hard being self employed and knowing you have all the financial responsibilities on your shoulders.

That being said if he wants more of a 50:50 set up in terms of finances then he needs to share the workload at home too. If he isn't up for doing that then you really need to consider whether you have a future together.

Ohmygiddyauntie · 15/07/2023 06:43

myNewName21 · 14/07/2023 13:22

@Ohmygiddyauntie I didn’t mention parity of income but to quote the OP .” I don’t pay anything towards bills “

no matter what you might think, that is clearly not fair, or equal or even the basis of good marriage

They've been together 14yrs. The op has been running the household and raising the child that they created. That does actually have a value, quantifying the value is difficult as the husband and society seem to place very little importance on the role in the home.
There seems to have been a tacit agreement between the two, the op's husband isn't happy and now expects his wife to suddenly be ambitious. What on earth does that mean?

myNewName21 · 15/07/2023 07:13

Ohmygiddyauntie · 15/07/2023 06:43

They've been together 14yrs. The op has been running the household and raising the child that they created. That does actually have a value, quantifying the value is difficult as the husband and society seem to place very little importance on the role in the home.
There seems to have been a tacit agreement between the two, the op's husband isn't happy and now expects his wife to suddenly be ambitious. What on earth does that mean?

Show quote history

But the child is only 3, so what was the OP doing in the decade before the child ?

A decade of running a house with no kids?, where do they live Downton Abbey?

Im not surprised he is resentful, just imagine if that was the other way around and a woman posted that male partner had relied on her income for a decade, imagine how that would play out on here, this site would melt with the abuse would get,

rookiemere · 15/07/2023 07:54

OP said she worked ft until she had their DC, but has never been a high flyer and has been the same since they met.

If you met and married say a care worker on a low salary, it would be odd 10 years later to castigate them for not being an investment banker, particularly as she has had a DC in that time.

Not all jobs equal high salaries and it seems odd to judge someone's intrinsic worth on how much they earn, when they haven't changed from the person you met.

When DH and I met we both earned similar incomes in a professional role. I think he would have a valid beef if I had decided to become a part time TA for example.

Cherry2456 · 15/07/2023 08:05

Some of you mentioned that she is a
sahm and he a sole provider.
I don’t get it she works part-time.
It sounds like he is worried about his self employed income. He seems like he is bullying her to get his way. Is getting a bigger house with interest rates going up a good idea? Surely that will put even more financial stress on both of them, what happens if he has less work in the pipeline

I can see this will result in more financial stress and arguments. I don’t think he has thought this through.

QueensBees · 15/07/2023 08:57

This reply has been deleted

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SunRainStorm · 15/07/2023 09:00

rookiemere · 15/07/2023 07:54

OP said she worked ft until she had their DC, but has never been a high flyer and has been the same since they met.

If you met and married say a care worker on a low salary, it would be odd 10 years later to castigate them for not being an investment banker, particularly as she has had a DC in that time.

Not all jobs equal high salaries and it seems odd to judge someone's intrinsic worth on how much they earn, when they haven't changed from the person you met.

When DH and I met we both earned similar incomes in a professional role. I think he would have a valid beef if I had decided to become a part time TA for example.

A care worker could still aspire to be a shift manager, or a centre manager, or do a specialist course that would allow them to be paid more within the same job.

There are very few jobs with absolutely no progression opportunities, especially if you've had ten year's experience.

There's a COL crisis, they have a child now, they don't like where they live, DH is paying for almost everything and his work is insecure.

I'd be pretty unhappy if my partner was intending to bob along as a low income earner doing very part time hours in that circumstance.

It leaves too much of the load with DH.

It's great to work PT or be a SAHM, but everyone needs to agree. It's not fair for one party to entirely or partially down tools and basically force the other party to carry the load.

What would happen if DH decided he would only work 2.5 days a week because he couldn't bare to be away from DC?

Peacoffee · 15/07/2023 09:28

@Hippyhippybake you seem very defensive over your husbands hours as a working parent.
It was your family life and it’s up to you both to be happy with it but no working 12 hour days plus emails in the evening is absolutely not a normal schedule.
Normal full time hours are 35 and an average commute is 1 hr total, not each way. So still considerably less than 60 hrs plus evening work. That’s just a fact, there’s no need to get so defensive over how involved or active a father he was, but it’s just reality that his hours are were enough 2 full time jobs.

PaintedEgg · 15/07/2023 09:32

this thread, and similar scenarios, can unfortunately be a case of changing priorities.

maybe low income full time job and a "naff" house was ok before the baby - maybe father in this scenario wants a better life for the baby and this partly drives his frustration. Sure he can no more force his wife to work then she can force him to support her

and thats why divorces happen

Ohmygiddyauntie · 15/07/2023 09:32

SunRainStorm · 15/07/2023 09:00

A care worker could still aspire to be a shift manager, or a centre manager, or do a specialist course that would allow them to be paid more within the same job.

There are very few jobs with absolutely no progression opportunities, especially if you've had ten year's experience.

There's a COL crisis, they have a child now, they don't like where they live, DH is paying for almost everything and his work is insecure.

I'd be pretty unhappy if my partner was intending to bob along as a low income earner doing very part time hours in that circumstance.

It leaves too much of the load with DH.

It's great to work PT or be a SAHM, but everyone needs to agree. It's not fair for one party to entirely or partially down tools and basically force the other party to carry the load.

What would happen if DH decided he would only work 2.5 days a week because he couldn't bare to be away from DC?

Show quote history

I'm not seeing the part where the op mentions a threat to his income.
If his income were unstable he wouldn't be demanding a bigger house.
Far too much sophistry and projection on this thread.

Maybe the op doesn't want to progress, maybe she's content to just be.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/07/2023 09:51

Niftyswiftie · 14/07/2023 08:48

Wow, I have no words.

Show quote history

@Ngmi

you have so much internalised misogyny
basically women are born to serve others and to care take is what you’re saying
leave careers to the menz

PimpMyFridge · 15/07/2023 09:52

@Ohmygiddyauntie 👌

PaintedEgg · 15/07/2023 10:18

@Ohmygiddyauntie but he wants a better house and that's reasonable

what will happen if they dont move as a family is that he will move on his own

rookiemere · 15/07/2023 10:27

PaintedEgg · 15/07/2023 10:18

@Ohmygiddyauntie but he wants a better house and that's reasonable

what will happen if they dont move as a family is that he will move on his own

Well good luck to him with that after a divorce settlement I think he'll look back wistfully to his imperfect house.

rookiemere · 15/07/2023 10:30

Oh and even if OP hadn't the temerity to not be ambitious and want to work pt with a small child, how much more does a care manager earn £10k £15 k per year ? Hardly going to get the mansion he feels he deserves.

Oh and OPs income pays for childcare and DCs clothes and toys so hardly bobbins. Aren't mumsmetters always saying childcare should be a joint expense.

moonrakerr · 15/07/2023 10:31

rookiemere · 15/07/2023 10:27

Well good luck to him with that after a divorce settlement I think he'll look back wistfully to his imperfect house.

Show quote history

After a divorce settlement, OP will look back wistfully to her days of not working much too. 😅

PaintedEgg · 15/07/2023 10:33

rookiemere · 15/07/2023 10:27

Well good luck to him with that after a divorce settlement I think he'll look back wistfully to his imperfect house.

Show quote history

for better or worse this isn't true in a lot of cases - he may downsize and still get better quality house in a nicer area

MrsMcisaCt · 15/07/2023 10:39

PaintedEgg · 15/07/2023 10:33

for better or worse this isn't true in a lot of cases - he may downsize and still get better quality house in a nicer area

Show quote history

Yes he may well end up with a better house, but he won't be living with his child.

BlueBellsArePretty · 15/07/2023 10:40

moonrakerr · 15/07/2023 10:31

After a divorce settlement, OP will look back wistfully to her days of not working much too. 😅

Show quote history

Oh what a brilliant 'gotcha' husband wins!

rookiemere · 15/07/2023 10:41

Well if it's so easy to get a cheaper better house in a nicer area Hmm maybe they should do that now and stop all the arguments.

SushiSuave · 15/07/2023 10:42

At 3 is you child not entitled to 30hours per week childcare funding? This would allow you to work 5 days per week. I agree that if your husband isn't happy then the arrangement isn't fair and you need to work more to contribute more.

moonrakerr · 15/07/2023 11:07

BlueBellsArePretty · 15/07/2023 10:40

Oh what a brilliant 'gotcha' husband wins!

Show quote history

Well, it's not really a gotcha, it's reality – a reality that she's using someone else's labour to avoid right now.

It'd be the same if a man effectively trapped his wife into doing all his housework for him, with the excuse that "I'm just not a housework person, I prefer going to work, you knew this when you met me" (gender stereotypical I know, but not uncommon). If she leaves him, unfortunately he will have to handle his housework himself, no matter how much he prefers corporate work to housework.

QueensBees · 15/07/2023 11:16

PaintedEgg · 15/07/2023 09:32

this thread, and similar scenarios, can unfortunately be a case of changing priorities.

maybe low income full time job and a "naff" house was ok before the baby - maybe father in this scenario wants a better life for the baby and this partly drives his frustration. Sure he can no more force his wife to work then she can force him to support her

and thats why divorces happen

I agree there.

It does t change that the way he is getting on about it isn’t right.
In an equal marriage, you discuss things. You negotiate. You talk about your dreams.
You do t become grumpy and a hey and try to impose your views on the other person. Imo when you do that, you’ve lost your marriage already. And that has nothing to do with differing aims in life.

moonrakerr · 15/07/2023 11:25

@QueensBees If this were a scenario about a woman feeling trapped by her husband refusing to step up with house chores after the baby was born – I think it's obvious that priorities have to change after kids – I'm not sure commenters would feel entitled to police the woman's frustrations and emotions.