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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out he cheated 2 years in.

52 replies

kodi005 · 11/07/2023 23:15

Me and my husband have been together for 9 years, married for 3. The start of the relationship was chaotic, there was lots or arguments but we always pulled through. I always saw something in him that knew I couldn't give up on him. Years later, I was right. He is amazing. The best husband and dad. Couldn't ask for anything more. But I found out this week that he cheated on me with his ex 2 years into our relationship. He denied it first but has admitted it. Said the texts were true but denied ever sleeping with her. It was his ex. I am heartbroken, feel like I can't breathe. Feel like I'm never good enough for anyone. But also feel like, it was 7 years ago. A lot has changed. He has changed. But it doesn't make it hurt any less. He is so sorry but I have never felt so betrayed. I don't want to be on my own, I don't want to be without him. But I don't know what to do, I don't know if I can get past this. He promised me he would never. I also don't think he's being honest about what happened. I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life second guessing everything. Why do people cheat, I feel as if I'll never feel okay again.

OP posts:
Original poster
kodi005 · 12/07/2023 10:03

@GoodChat relationship breakdown/ not working anymore. I agree, I've asked him the truth and he is just not budging. So I don't know if he's lying or telling the truth. I can't bring myself to speak to her right now, and I don't know what sort of truth i'd get from her even when I do... she hates me. I don't think I'll get the truth from anyone unfortunately... x

OP posts:
booksandbrews · 12/07/2023 10:08

If he won’t tell you the truth, there’s nothing to repair. You can’t even begin to reconcile because you don’t know what you’re dealing with. I’m so sorry OP.

GoodChat · 12/07/2023 10:11

kodi005 · 12/07/2023 10:03

@GoodChat relationship breakdown/ not working anymore. I agree, I've asked him the truth and he is just not budging. So I don't know if he's lying or telling the truth. I can't bring myself to speak to her right now, and I don't know what sort of truth i'd get from her even when I do... she hates me. I don't think I'll get the truth from anyone unfortunately... x

Has he made any suggestion of how he can prove his loyalty and regain your trust?

Presumably she hates you because she felt like there was a chance they'd get back together?

Shapemyeyebrows · 12/07/2023 10:18

Sounds like she hates you as he’s been leading her on and messed with her head. In her head you are probably the reason they aren’t together and it’s easier for her to hate you than him. The deal breaker for me here would be that’s he’s still not being honest with you. He’s been caught out and minimising it. He’s doing to you now what he probably did to her back then. Messing with your head and not being honest about things. As others have said it’s entirely up to you if you want to stay with him, however, I would be wondering what he’s been doing though to be having such big arguments with an ex after all this time and this all to come out now.

Buildingthefuture · 12/07/2023 11:09

The unfortunate truth is that often, the real damage done to a relationship is not the infidelity itself (although obviously, that is truly hideous) but the lies that come afterwards. The gas lighting, blame shifting and outright denial in the face of overwhelming evidence is quite often what kills the relationship. You need to make that crystal clear to him (if you can be bothered) Tell him, anymore lies now, about one single thing and he is gone. He thought he was the "big man" having two women on the go at once? Well, now it is time to be an actual, decent man, tell the truth and start to become someone his wife, dc and he himself MIGHT one day be able to be proud of again. Because currently, his actions are showing that he is a selfish, dishonest shit.

Lieslies · 12/07/2023 12:34

Yes, I'd agree with that. I might have been able to get over the affair, but it was his behaviour after I found out that was the death-knell.

mirages08 · 12/07/2023 12:36

He's not different
He didn't tell you
He denied it
Sorry op xxx

Turfwars · 12/07/2023 13:31

booksandbrews · 12/07/2023 10:08

If he won’t tell you the truth, there’s nothing to repair. You can’t even begin to reconcile because you don’t know what you’re dealing with. I’m so sorry OP.

This really.

Three fundamentals in a relationship is respect, trust and honesty.

You can only reconcile with honesty. Right now he's not being honest, and getting irritated with you for very reasonably, asking for that honesty.

So right now, there is no trust and no honesty in the relationship. And he's got no respect for you or your relationship because if he did, he a) wouldn't have done it in the first place and b) come entirely clean when you did find out.

Original poster
kodi005 · 12/07/2023 13:39

Thanks everyone, it's over. He's just packing his things now. Hoping one day to feel okay again. X

OP posts:
MyTruthIsOut · 12/07/2023 13:50

I’m sorry to read if this OP - you must be heart broken x

HarrietStyles · 12/07/2023 13:57

I’m so sorry @kodi005 I agree - I couldn’t move past it without true honesty, details, deep remorse and words/actions showing that he is going to do anything to try save your relationship. Sounds like he is doing none of those things. Those are as much dealbreakers to me that the act 7 years ago. And I’m not sure I could look at my wedding photos again knowing that he had cheated on me before the wedding and stood there at the alter making vows to me, knowing there was a secret.

Frogmila · 12/07/2023 14:09

I'm so sorry this has happened but you're worth much more than him not protecting you from abuse by managing the situation with the ex maturely, and now this. He has no remorse or empathy if he can't even grasp that you need to know what you're deciding whether to forgive. 2 years wasn't at the beginning of the relationship, it was well within. His behaviour has been atrocious throughout one way or another and he does not deserve you. You'll be absolutely fine in time 💐

GoodChat · 12/07/2023 14:30

kodi005 · 12/07/2023 13:39

Thanks everyone, it's over. He's just packing his things now. Hoping one day to feel okay again. X

I'm sorry. Do you have a good support network?

HelpMeUnpickThis · 12/07/2023 14:48

So sorry this has happened @kodi005

MumGMT · 12/07/2023 14:48

Sounds like she hates you as he’s been leading her on and messed with her head. In her head you are probably the reason they aren’t together and it’s easier for her to hate you than him.

Yes this! He has behaved appallingly. It takes a special kind of asshole to lead on a woman you have a child with, while seeing a new woman.
To her it wouldn't have really felt like cheating because he was hers first and they had a child and so on, and it was a chance to get her family back together.

And now that he's been found out he's still behaving appallingly, essentially telling you to get over it within days of you finding out.

He's not the good man you think he is.

NESS111 · 12/07/2023 15:39

It is strange she waited so long to share the texts that is an awful lot of years to keep them. This sounds like more than any silly argument they had could they have been seeing each other sexually again?

MyTruthIsOut · 12/07/2023 15:44

NESS111 · 12/07/2023 15:39

It is strange she waited so long to share the texts that is an awful lot of years to keep them. This sounds like more than any silly argument they had could they have been seeing each other sexually again?

I agree with this!

To unleash this truth on you must come from a place of being really, really angry, and possibly hurt.

Ask yourself why she’s suddenly told you now after 7 years of keeping it secret?

Something has triggered her to want to really, really hurt you OR, to really blow up your family life.

That depth of anger or a need for revenge (?) doesn’t just come out of nowhere….

Superdupes · 12/07/2023 15:55

But I found out this week that he cheated on me with his ex 2 years into our relationship. He denied it first but has admitted it. Said the texts were true but denied ever sleeping with her.

I'm confused, how did he cheat on you with her if he didn't sleep with her? What exactly has he admitted to? Are you sure she hasn't just trawled back 7 years to find texts that sound a bit dodgy so she can break you and him up because she's pissed off with him and hates you? Or has he admitted to snogging her or something?

maclen · 12/07/2023 22:16

I find that most people will lie until the bitter end or faced with damming evidence... My ex left me when our child was young for someone else and I was heartbroken. Yet he kept me dangling on a string, playing happy families when it suited him and sleeping with me the whole time he was dating her for 4 years until I realised what a mug I was being and finally met someone amazing. He is still with her and I've no idea if she knows... just wanted to say it does happen and he would lie to save himself.

Original poster
kodi005 · 16/07/2023 21:49

Hey. Me again...

Don't suppose anyone can help me with this one now...

Me and ex are separating whilst we wait for a divorce. Neither of us can afford to move out yet so he came back home and is residing in the spare room. He said we will split bills but is refusing to pay any childcare as it's recently been upped because of my new job (moved from part to full time). So basically he thinks I should take care of the childcare and pay my half of bills too.. the audacity. He said he would pay it if we were together but as we're not together it's my issue. What a dick, can't believe I was crying a few days about him.

He said he'll pay maintenance when he moves out but my question is can I get child maintenance from him whilst he still lives here? Likelihood is he's not going to be moving out anytime soon... I'm guessing no but have no idea. If not guess I'll just have to go back to part time... like a never ending nightmare.

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
Firstreturn · 28/07/2023 18:00

Are you renting or buying, and in whose name?

Pumpkinpie1 · 27/01/2024 21:26

It looks like he would have to move out before you could apply OP

Onehouratatime · 27/01/2024 23:36

Happierlife7 · 11/07/2023 23:29

I posted but it didn’t go through. I had a similar experience, partner 5 years in admitted texting sexually a couple of women first year we were together, swore it was nothing more, but I don’t believe him. Made me so emotionally sick and he didn’t even think he’d done anything wrong, gaslighted me to the max that I am “distrusting” etc. was never the same after that. I did try for a while, but he had other flaky behaviours and I felt our relationship was built on a foundation of dishonesty, that while I was falling in love crazy for him, he was behind my back going crazy over others. Coupled with his bizarre projections and false accusations and even dumping me because he thought I fancied a friend of his who I wouldn’t look twice at and had no contact with, or had never given that impression- it seems it was excuse to go off and shag others. It wasn’t the same after that, eventually we broke up. Did he admit this to you or did you find out, as I think that’s important. Sick as it is for him to do that, you’re 7 years in, maybe it’s different now. My ex blatantly slept with them and there was so much said and done at that time that made me suspicious, so finding out he’d had these “chats” made the pieces fall into place for me. Maybe your guy didn’t sleep with her, what is your intuition, and facts surrounding that time saying to you?

@Happierlife7
Oh my god this situation you had sounds exactly the same as my friends situation.... like identical?! If his Name began with a D I would not be surprised if this was the same guy!

Tm13 · 22/03/2024 08:19

kodi005 · 11/07/2023 23:15

Me and my husband have been together for 9 years, married for 3. The start of the relationship was chaotic, there was lots or arguments but we always pulled through. I always saw something in him that knew I couldn't give up on him. Years later, I was right. He is amazing. The best husband and dad. Couldn't ask for anything more. But I found out this week that he cheated on me with his ex 2 years into our relationship. He denied it first but has admitted it. Said the texts were true but denied ever sleeping with her. It was his ex. I am heartbroken, feel like I can't breathe. Feel like I'm never good enough for anyone. But also feel like, it was 7 years ago. A lot has changed. He has changed. But it doesn't make it hurt any less. He is so sorry but I have never felt so betrayed. I don't want to be on my own, I don't want to be without him. But I don't know what to do, I don't know if I can get past this. He promised me he would never. I also don't think he's being honest about what happened. I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life second guessing everything. Why do people cheat, I feel as if I'll never feel okay again.

I recently found out my partner cheated.
I made sure to get all of the details.
It does get more tolerable but it takes a while.
I learned to be able to sense when he is withholding truth and lying, even when he doesn't say anything I'll get a sense if something is up.
Cheaters cheat because of a them problem.
Know that it has absolutely nothing to do with anything you do or have done.
I've read alot of blogs by marriage councillors, and books.
It could happen for many reasons.
I believe mine freaked out and had a breakdown, he wasn't coping well.
Is very dependant on personal circumstances.
Just remember you have done nothing wrong xxxx

Candle436 · 18/06/2024 13:27

I was on the other side. My partner and I have been together for nearly 4 years. High school sweethearts as it where we met when we where 16. A year and a bit into our relationship I cheated. I was texting another guy and we ended up meeting up and kissed. Nothing further. Boyfriend found messages on my phone a few days afterwards and I never spoke to the other guy again. Or anyone else for that matter. However I lied I told him nothing happened and he believed me so I went with it. He then about 7 months later kissed his ex total spur of the moment on a night out. I was devastated but we moved past. He kissed another girl spur of the moment on a night out maybe a year later. I was hurt again but moved past because I know how much I loved him. He broke up with me as I went to university far away. He recently admitted to me that we slept with other women while I was away however I couldn’t be mad as we had broken up. But I still was upset. We stopped talking for a while but it didn’t last long and we were still talking a lot. I dropped out and came home and we got back together we were good. We went on holiday about 4 months later and after we came back I discovered he had been talking to and sending explicit pictures to someone else. I was distraught again but moved past. All to say I messed up but so did he. But now he can’t see any way out. He feels inadequate and like I’ll walk away at the slightest bit of attention from anyone else. But I love him and would never hurt him like this. I need to find a way to rebuild. Someone please help!

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