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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out he cheated 2 years in.

52 replies

kodi005 · 11/07/2023 23:15

Me and my husband have been together for 9 years, married for 3. The start of the relationship was chaotic, there was lots or arguments but we always pulled through. I always saw something in him that knew I couldn't give up on him. Years later, I was right. He is amazing. The best husband and dad. Couldn't ask for anything more. But I found out this week that he cheated on me with his ex 2 years into our relationship. He denied it first but has admitted it. Said the texts were true but denied ever sleeping with her. It was his ex. I am heartbroken, feel like I can't breathe. Feel like I'm never good enough for anyone. But also feel like, it was 7 years ago. A lot has changed. He has changed. But it doesn't make it hurt any less. He is so sorry but I have never felt so betrayed. I don't want to be on my own, I don't want to be without him. But I don't know what to do, I don't know if I can get past this. He promised me he would never. I also don't think he's being honest about what happened. I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life second guessing everything. Why do people cheat, I feel as if I'll never feel okay again.

OP posts:
SophiaElizabethGrace · 11/07/2023 23:20

So sorry for you. Awful behaviour from him.

Do you know how many times they met up/slept together? Was it an ongoing affair?

It's very difficult but I honestly don't think I could get past it. You're unlikely to ever know the whole truth, he's likely to minimise what happened.

Original poster
kodi005 · 11/07/2023 23:24

Thanks @SophiaElizabethGrace

Really awful 💔 I'd never have imagined it coming from him. There's only one set of messages but sounds like it wasn't isolated. Maybe another time or 2 before that. Or more, I don't know, I guess that's it. I'll never know.

I think you're right. I don't think I'll ever be happy with him again. Heart is breaking, grieving my seemingly perfect life for me and my babies 💔

OP posts:
Happierlife7 · 11/07/2023 23:29

I posted but it didn’t go through. I had a similar experience, partner 5 years in admitted texting sexually a couple of women first year we were together, swore it was nothing more, but I don’t believe him. Made me so emotionally sick and he didn’t even think he’d done anything wrong, gaslighted me to the max that I am “distrusting” etc. was never the same after that. I did try for a while, but he had other flaky behaviours and I felt our relationship was built on a foundation of dishonesty, that while I was falling in love crazy for him, he was behind my back going crazy over others. Coupled with his bizarre projections and false accusations and even dumping me because he thought I fancied a friend of his who I wouldn’t look twice at and had no contact with, or had never given that impression- it seems it was excuse to go off and shag others. It wasn’t the same after that, eventually we broke up. Did he admit this to you or did you find out, as I think that’s important. Sick as it is for him to do that, you’re 7 years in, maybe it’s different now. My ex blatantly slept with them and there was so much said and done at that time that made me suspicious, so finding out he’d had these “chats” made the pieces fall into place for me. Maybe your guy didn’t sleep with her, what is your intuition, and facts surrounding that time saying to you?

Original poster
kodi005 · 11/07/2023 23:37

So sorry you've experienced something like this @Happierlife7 it's soul crushing to be treated like that. Completely vile way to treat another human.

He is extremely sorry but a few times had thrown in the 'you'll have to decide if you want to forgive me' card and 'I'm really sorry BUT I can't apologise forever' card. Like I know he can't, I know he's right. But I feel like he's trying to minimise it and sweep in under the rug.

I trusted him 10000%, there wasn't a single doubt in my mind. He didn't tell me, I was told/sent messages. He denied it at first but soon realised he was doomed. said he hasn't slept with her but there was words like 'last time' and 'the other month' in the texts. Feel so physically sick 😭 he has said it's just once he text but obvs he is lying. Said the texts must've been fabricated. Lies

He is a very different man. I'm sure of it, but i feel so so hurt I don't know if I'll ever feel okay again. But I don't want to take my babies dad away from them. They wake up every morning and see his face, he is their world. But I don't know how to live with it 💔

OP posts:
Shapemyeyebrows · 11/07/2023 23:54

@kodi005 he’s not a different man though is he? As he’s still lying to you and taking you for a fool. I personally don’t think I could forgive cheating but I might potentially try if it was years ago, they were completely open and truthful now, showed full remorse and allowed you to feel how you do without rushing you. He’s not doing any of that. In the circumstances you have described then no I wouldn’t be carrying on with the relationship.

Original poster
kodi005 · 11/07/2023 23:57

I think you're probably right @Shapemyeyebrows although it's a hard pill to swallow 💔 I'll never understand why he did what he did

OP posts:
Shapemyeyebrows · 12/07/2023 00:02

@kodi005 it’s a very tough situation for you. I don’t think he’s acting in a way I would even try and forgive though. If he owned it and showed true remorse, maybe. But he’s not. Only you can decide whether you stay or not though. I suspect you will because of your kids, it’s a shame he’s put you in this no win situation.

Lieslies · 12/07/2023 00:42

There's no true remorse or chance to rebuild trust without honesty about what he did.

I'm so sorry.

sandyhappypeople · 12/07/2023 00:56

I feel so terrible for you OP. How has it all come to light now? You say you got sent messages, were they from his ex just out of the blue? or did something happen to prompt it?

The timing of it seems strange, has he had some sort of involvement recently with the ex and she's decided to 'punish him' by telling you?

I think if it was me I'd need to know the exact full extent of what happened/is happening to have any chance of moving past it at all, even if you have to talk to her.

Don't be rushed into forgiving him, he needs to respect the fact that you need time to process this, before you make a decision.

thecatinthetwat · 12/07/2023 01:05

I would give yourself a bit of time. It feels emotionally like it’s just happened, you need to process it. Can he stay somewhere else for a couple of weeks, can he take kids away for a few days. You need some time to see how you feel. You can’t decide anything right now.

MumGMT · 12/07/2023 01:21

He is extremely sorry but a few times had thrown in the 'you'll have to decide if you want to forgive me' card and 'I'm really sorry BUT I can't apologise forever' card. Like I know he can't, I know he's right. But I feel like he's trying to minimise it and sweep in under the rug.

You only found out a few days ago and already he's over you having an emotional response to this. He's not extremely sorry. If he was he wouldn't be telling you to get over it or making out he's apologised enough.

Buildingthefuture · 12/07/2023 07:18

I’m sorry this has happened op, how bloody awful for you. Sometimes though, I don’t think MN is the best place for advice about this kind of thing. Have a look at Surviving Infidelity, it’s seems more useful (a friend of mine was absolutely destroyed on here for suggesting she might stay after discovered her DH had a short affair, it was awful)
I would also say I’m not surprised that he’s still lying about it. He has spent the last 7 years somehow justifying this shit to himself, denying to himself the fact that his behaviour was utterly, utterly appalling. Even now you know, it will take sometime for him to admit to the lies he told himself, never mind the ones he told you. Do not allow him to rug sweep this though, this is a massive trauma for you and him saying “aren’t you over it yet” is not a good sign.
Relationships can survive this kind of trauma, but it takes literally years. He needs to be aware of that and frankly, buckle up for the shittest roller coaster ever, which he CHOSE to put you both on, without your knowledge or consent. He didn’t accidentally fall into her vagina, it was a deliberate choice he made, more than once by the sound of it. He needs to own that choice and give you all the time you need you need to process this enormous shit sandwich and work out what YOU want now. If he isn’t prepared to do that, with no guarantees or even a suggestion that you might decide to stay, I would show him the door. Good luck op, I hope he realises how thunderously stupid, cruel, careless and selfish he has been xx

CamCola · 12/07/2023 07:44

This happened 7 years ago but someone has only just sent you messages?

sodthesodoff · 12/07/2023 08:00

I'm so sorry

Few things.

It wasn't at the very beginning of your relationship. It was two years in. Presumably you had established trust by then. You weren't just dating.

He didn't tell you

He continues to lie. Denying it happened until faced with evidence

He is not even remotely remorseful.

He has turned it round on you to deal with it. To forget and forgive as he can't do anything else. He's made it your problem if you can't get over it

These are all deal breakers for me. I've seen people overcome old affairs. But crucially not when there is no remorse and understanding from the person who had the affair.

Zanatdy · 12/07/2023 08:15

Only know if you can get past this. Is it worth throwing away what’s a happy marriage? Will you be happy on your own? These are questions you can answer. He’s sorry, he appears to have changed, he’s a great husband and great dad, do you want to throw it away for something that happened 7yrs ago? I don’t think I would. I can understand you’re deeply hurt, it’s a really shitty thing to do.

Ihaveoflate · 12/07/2023 08:17

I also recommend you visit the Surviving Infidelity forum. There are many people in your position and it is a very supportive space with no judgement of people's decision to either stay or separate.

It's very easy for people who haven't experienced this to sit in judgement, as I might once have done, but things are never that simple.

Whatever the outcome, you need to process and somehow heal from this bombshell. I know from experience that's no small task. Be patient and kind to yourself.

monsteramunch · 12/07/2023 08:48

@Zanatdy

He’s sorry, he appears to have changed

I'm not so sure about that.

He's sorry BUT.

And he's still minimising and lying.

He is extremely sorry but a few times had thrown in the 'you'll have to decide if you want to forgive me' card and 'I'm really sorry BUT I can't apologise forever' card. Like I know he can't, I know he's right. But I feel like he's trying to minimise it and sweep in under the rug.

I trusted him 10000%, there wasn't a single doubt in my mind. He didn't tell me, I was told/sent messages. He denied it at first but soon realised he was doomed. said he hasn't slept with her but there was words like 'last time' and 'the other month' in the texts. Feel so physically sick 😭 he has said it's just once he text but obvs he is lying. Said the texts must've been fabricated. Lies

sodthesodoff · 12/07/2023 08:56

Zanatdy · 12/07/2023 08:15

Only know if you can get past this. Is it worth throwing away what’s a happy marriage? Will you be happy on your own? These are questions you can answer. He’s sorry, he appears to have changed, he’s a great husband and great dad, do you want to throw it away for something that happened 7yrs ago? I don’t think I would. I can understand you’re deeply hurt, it’s a really shitty thing to do.

I agree with the questions the op has to answer

But I don't agree he's changed.

He's still lying to the op. And he's minimising it and putting the guilt on her to deal with it.

There's absolutely no remorse.

RaidFlySpray · 12/07/2023 09:05

The fact is that he is lying to you NOW as well as all those years ago. If he was honestly a good and truthful man, he'd admit to everything and he'd be on his knees begging for your forgiveness. But he's not telling you the whole story, and you're being put under pressure to get over it.

I'm sorry OP but he doesn't sound like he's very kind to you. And that is everything, really.

caringcarer · 12/07/2023 09:11

It's strange you'd be sent messages now if the affair really was over 7 years ago. I'd be wondering what prompted the person to send you messages now. It would be more likely that this has been ongoing but he's now broken it off and ex sent you messages as she's angry he broke it off. Either way he is lying to you saying it was once and has betrayed you two years into your relationship when he should only have had eyes for you and is now pressuring you to 'get over it' and 'forgive him'. If he was truly sorry he would be apologetic, begging your forgiveness and giving you time to process properly and decide what to do not pressurising and minimising his behaviour. He can still be a great Dad if you divorce him. I divorced my exh because I found he cheated. I just knew I could no longer trust him and that I couldn't have sex with him again so no point in staying married for me. It hurt like hell but staying would have been harder because everyone I looked at him I saw cheater on his face.

determinedtomakethiswork · 12/07/2023 09:26

Who sent you the messages? Why would somebody send messages if it is it just once and it was seven years ago? That doesn't make sense.

I do know how you feel and soul crushing is a very apt way to look at it. I don't think I was over the same afterwards.

Zanatdy · 12/07/2023 09:30

sodthesodoff · 12/07/2023 08:56

I agree with the questions the op has to answer

But I don't agree he's changed.

He's still lying to the op. And he's minimising it and putting the guilt on her to deal with it.

There's absolutely no remorse.

Show quote history

OP thinks he has and I guess she knows him a lot better than we do from a few comments about him. Most people will deny it at first. Not sure if something that happened 7yrs ago means you have to throw away a happy marriage but OP can only make that decision

sodthesodoff · 12/07/2023 09:45

@Zanatdy I think it's sad anyone could think he's changed when the evidence is overwhelming against that.

He's putting it all on the op to accept it. With no remorse.

His reaction alone to the revelation for me would mean he's fucked it. He's showing how he doesn't care for the ops emotions and reaction to his affair.

Threads on here from women who have moved past affairs but still feel plagued with doubt. The only way it can survive is if the cheating partner takes on that responsibility to help with that pain and doubt.

He's not doing this.

The op is no doubt wanting to see the positives as she doesn't want to break up her family. No one would. But surely that's why she's come here for some objective views.

Original poster
kodi005 · 12/07/2023 09:52

Thank you everyone for your messages. I know it's only me who can decide but my head is just a mess. I'm stuck between wanting to forgive him because it was so long ago and divorcing him because I feel sick to my stomach everytime I think about it.

He swears blind he didn't sleep with her. I don't think it's the truth but I'll never ever know.

To give context without being outing. They have a child together. We've been a happy blended family for a long time. 50/50 shared care, I have an amazing relationship with my stepson. His ex had a hard time letting go. She's abused me through the relationship, and I mean really badly. But I've always kept my head high for DSS and DH. Now I look back, he hasn't protected me how he should've at all. And now this has come to light because they had an argument and she's thrown this in his face to hurt him. And that's why it's hurt me so much. Honestly wish I never found out. If it was anyone else it would be easier. God know why she's sat on it for 7 years. Probably to have more effect when the time came to blow him up.

If it was just me on my own I'd probably leave but I feel so sorry for my babies.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 12/07/2023 09:58

Why did they split up?

I'd tell him he needs to tell you the whole truth and if you find out from her that he hasn't, it's over.

Ask him how he's going to rebuild your trust, and why it happened.

He doesn't need to apologise forever, but he needs to respect you enough to be honest.