Depressed husband - not sure if it’s me.

[user1469990255]

Hi,

I’m hoping for some advice. Long story so I hope you can all hang in.

im 35 and been married for 11 years. We have two children, 10 & 7. Husband has always been an incredibly hard worker and takes a lot of pride in his job, but his job has also meant he has been away a lot and worked very long hours.

a year ago my DH told me he was struggling and felt very low. He had some bad days but we kept talking and I thought things were ok. We went on holiday and when we got back he said he couldn’t do it anymore, packed his bags and disappeared for 2 days. Left me with the children and the dog without a clue where he’d gone. He came back 2 days later to talk and opened up about how much he struggled and he felt like the struggles are at home but he doesn’t want us not to be a family. Over the next few months we had a lot of occasions where he said he was really struggling and didn’t know what to do, he felt like he couldn’t cope. Eventually because of how bad things were getting j said he had to go to the GP or he would lose us. He did that, went to the GP, took part in some counselling sessions but didn’t think they helped.

since then he has left the house 3 times because he can’t cope with being in the house, then comes back because he doesn’t want to not be a family with us. He doesn’t feel like I’m being supportive and that I don’t get how he feels. Every time we have a coversation it feels like he blames me. After the last time he needed space and had a night away I said I thought he needed to go back to the doctors. He did, they offered him CBT which he is awaiting his date. However he is rock bottom, the house is so miserable and he keeps saying he feels like he needs to leave to get better. I’ve asked him to wait to try the CBT before making any huge decisions and that I think he maybe needs to try medication, but he doesn’t want to and feels like I’m forcing the doctors on him.

im lost on what to do. His relationship with the kids is strained because they see him as this person who always says no. We have very little intimacy anymore, but I feel like I’m holding on to who is was hoping he’ll come back.

has anyone ever been in a similar position. Sorry for the long story. If any bits don’t make sense then I’m happy to explain it better.

It's possible that he is clinically depressed or that he is unhappy in the marriage (or a combination of both).

How are the other areas of his life? Work, friends, hobbies, extended family? Is he pulling away from other family members as well? Less interested in friendships/hobbies? Dissatisfied with work?

It would be very unusual for the only area of his life to be affected by depression to be his home life. Depression would spill over into just about every aspect of his life.

Do you suspect that he might be having an affair?

I think it would be useful for the two of you to see a therapist together. Not because marriage counseling is some magical panacea but because this is extremely unfair to you and perhaps he can communicate what is going on better with the help of a therapist. This must be terrible for you and your children. He's trying to run out the door and you're the one desperately trying to hold your family together. The current situation isn't tenable.

Thank you for your response. He says he is fine at work, he loves his job to be honest although is frustrated by it at times. He doesn’t have many friends, he has people at work he will socialise with on a rare occasion, but doesn’t socialise outside that. He’s never been overly social. I am sociable and have people I can talk to.
i honestly don’t think he’s having an affair and I have asked in the past if there is someone else and he has said no.
i suggested a therapist together but he said he doesn’t think therapy works but will give this CBT a try, but when I mentioned the medication again he said I was forcing the doctors on him.
I feel so lost I just don’t know what to do, and after we’ve talked I blame myself thinking maybe I’m not being supportive enough but I do feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I can make a joke about something and it can result in him not talking to me. Also the kids can do the slightest thing and he gets very annoyed.

Regardless of his mental health he sounds extremely selfish. Imagine if you upped a cleared off for a few days because you couldn't stand being in the family home! Has he spoken to the Dr about antidepressants? If not why not?
This behaviour is extremely destabilising for you and your children and it sounds like he's checked out. I'd be tempted to tell him to leave whilst you decide if you want to stay married. Also l'd be wondering if his head has been turned and he's looking for an exit strategy.

I hate to join the usual cries of 'I bet there's another woman'... but my ex had mental health issues and used his depression as an excuse to hide him cheating on me.

He clearly was depressed, he'd had a crap childhood and had a lot of issues he needed to work though. He had bouts of getting some help with it and was taking anti-ds but he kept disappearing for two, three, four nights at a time over a 3 month period, claiming he needed space from me and the relationship. Actually he was off meeting another woman whilst making me feel incredibly guilty that I couldn't support him through this.

Clearly this may not actually be the case with your husband however even if he's not had his head turned, he really is being selfish and needs to face up to trying to resolve his issues or decide if the marriage is worth him bothering.

Sorry, l just saw your latest post. You really shouldn't have to endure the silent treatment or be walking on eggshells when you are trying to support him.He sounds very entitled. I would give him the space he thinks he needs and ask him to leave.

Thanks for your replies everyone. In the earlier days I did question if there was someone else but I really don’t think that’s what it is. I can see where he is from his car app now since he’s got a new car as he’s either at work or home. He does look like a shell sometimes, and looks so sad and it’s horrible seeing him like that. The GP has said he’s got moderate depression. He has always been reluctant to try medication. I think I struggle with his way of thinking because if it was me I would try anything and everything going before giving up on my family.

Hi, your situation sounds similar to mine, my H has suffered with depression throughout our relationship (and probably beforehand) which he attributed to childhood and mother issues. I had 7 months of him acting similarly to your husband, before he finally left at the end of March. Since leaving, we’ve now reached a point where’s he literally ghosting me.

I don’t have and advice aside from to say, look after your own mental health because I’ve prioritised my husband’s and tried so hard to be there for him and keep our family together, and I’m now in a terrible state and he wants a divorce, telling me he’s now decided he doesn’t love me - please don’t end up like me, you are the important one here and you can’t make people get help that they don’t want

Im sorry you went through this :(

I've sort of had similar with my partner. Behaviour suddenly changed, kept packing his things and buggering off for a few days then coming back, said it was just home and not work, gradually distanced himself from everyone friendship wise and wouldn't socialise with anyone. The length of time he left for eventually upped to a week then 2 weeks, our convos about how he felt and the impact it was having on all of us gradually started to get heated and he would absolutely loose his shit verbally, gas light me and generally say some nasty things. Noone including myself would ever have believed he would say the kinds of things that came from his mouth nor behave the way he has. It took a couple of years but i eventually found out some things at work were actually contributing to how he felt despite many times telling me it was just home life. He also tried counselling and felt no benefit at all, I pushed for him to ask for more sessions but with someone else and that time they assigned him a male counsellor, we honestly couldn't believe the sudden difference in his mental health and behaviour. He felt he benefited from the counselling, he told the man things he could never tell the previous female one, he came back from these sessions and openly spoke to me about what was discussed and what this male counsellors views and advice was, whereas with the female he wouldn't utter a word to me about the sessions. He became a different person and was devastated when the man left for a new job and since then he's been trying to find more help that matches up to the same comfort level he felt with the male counsellor. We hit brick walls everywhere we turned for more help but eventually found 'the mental health hub'. He had his assessment with them a month or so ago and last week had his 1st appointment with a psychiatrist from there and came out from the session so positive about the convo he had, the comfort level he felt and the plan that's been put in place for him. Sorry for the huge reply, but just know you are not On your own. It is bloody hard work and I thought our relationship had no way back with how my partner was behaving and struggling at one point but we persisted and have now come out the other side. It was absolute hell at times and caused a lot of hurt from things said in the heat of the moment and the level of instability I kept feeling because of him upping and leaving so often but I am now so glad I stuck it out. I don't really no what to advise other than what has helped for my partner and us. Maybe it is worth asking the counselling place he used if there is a male available, if not then try some other places. It may seem silly and small but myself and my partner honestly couldn't believe the difference it made for him and us just because he had a male 2nd time round. Have a Google for mental health access hub with the name of your local area and see if you have one near to you as well. Both of these things have been absolutely life changing for my partners mental health and our relationship. You're welcome to message me anytime if you feel you just need a private chat to let it all out to someone who has been in a similar situation

Im so sorry you feel like this now.

Where does your husband go when he leaves? If it is his parents or siblings perhaps it would be best for him to get away for a time especially with the school holidays coming up. Your DC should come first now. It doesn't sound like a nice atmosphere at home. I thought when my H was depressed that I had shielded the kids but they said later that there was a feeling at home of things not being right.

You have done really well getting him to the GP but if he won't accept counselling or the meds there isn't much else you can do but accept what he thinks will fix it ( time away). Would he see a private counsellor and can you afford it? Really try hard to look after your own mental health now. Get a counsellor for you to offload to if you can afford it or confide in a friend.Try and plan for the future if you do split (get financials etc copied). Try to emotionally detach from your H and do things for yourslef to give you space.

You didnt cause his depression ( no matter what he might say), you can't cure it and you can't control it.
the Depression fallout forum might prove useful to you
https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/depressionfalloutmessageboard/admit-they-have-depression-but-refuses-treatment-t14947.html

This sounds so similar to my DH. I don’t want to give up because I hope he’s going to go back to the man I married but some days now I don’t even recognise him and it’s like he walks around with this awful black cloud above his head. When he had counselling he didn’t want to talk to me about it. He has since told me little bits but mainly that they would tell him what’s wrong but not how to fix it. I feel like his emotional punch bag sometimes.

my main focus has always been the kids and hoping they don’t realise what’s wrong but his mood swings are making it harder and harder.

Thank you, I’ll take a look at this forum. Tends to go to his parents but doesn’t enjoy being there so not sure if it’s something he could do for a while.

Hi, sorry to hear of your situation. It sounds like he has a depressive disorder, and hes finding it difficult to cope with life regardless of what you do. See if he will consider a holiday if your able to have one. A break away, if he wishes to come and relax away from home. You sound like you need a break even if he doesnt wish to participate. It will give you both time to think. Hopefully the CPT will help. Theres no quick fix and I hope you take care of your own mental welbeing. Is it possible he has money ary worries or a health worry your.not aware of?

I’ve dealt with similar with my husband. It came to head about two years ago and I put my foot down - he tried medication or I left. He’s still on antidepressants now - he does have up and down days but the troughs are less deep! I wouldn’t stay if he would at least give medication a try.

You cannot help him.

It is really important that you understand this. If necessary, you have to spell it out to him too. So when he starts on you about how he cannot cope, you have to tell him that you cannot help him. Tell him that he has to decide if he wants to engage with proper treatment for his depression - which WILL include medication and being under the doctor's supervision - or leave, because of the effect he is having on the family unit.

It is awful having to live with someone who is depressed and refuses to engage. It is a form of unreasonable behaviour and you cannot live like that. It is also highly damaging for children.

sounds like the guilt is eating him up - as he can’t be around you at home.
what this guilt is- I don’t know.

It sounds like you’ve done what you can to try to help your husband and it’s up to him what treatment he chooses for himself. But what you can control is how you look after yourself. Are you able to get yourself some counselling? Do either of you have an Employee Assistance Programme through work you could use (usually it’s for family members as well as the employee). This will
help you process how you feel about what’s happening and what you’re willing to put up with, coping mechanisms etc. Good luck.

I went through this with my H. Suffered from depression on and off for years but refused to get help. I struggled to realise what it was at first as it just showed itself as anger towards me, I was walking on eggshells and could never do anything right. Later he told me he hated himself and used to go to work and cry etc but never let on about that at the time. We cycled through good times when things were brilliant and we were so in love and then months on end when he would just be so vile. We'd have a lovely evening together and go to bed and cuddle then we'd wake up in the morning and he'd just hate me. It used to make my head spin trying to keep up with his moods. I tried to gently get him to seek help and he went to the GP's once and came back and said there was no problem and anyone would be stressed in his situation (nothing other than usual pressures of work and money in our lives. No kids either).

Eventually he had a full on breakdown he had been flirting with a young customer of ours for months. If I ever mentioned it (it was very very blatant) then I was jealous and paranoid. There was nothing in it, he was allowed to have friends. He said he wanted to end the marriage and admitted finally to bring massively depressed and that it was all my fault. He hated me etc. I asked him not to make any major decisions whilst at rock bottom and did encourage him to go for therapy. He went once, came back and declared nothing wrong with him that I'm depressed and controlling and his counsellor agrees. He kept me dangling for a bit by saying if I do this and that and the other (completely change my whole personality) then we might be ok. Eventually I couldn't do it anymore and left (he calls it running away). I later found out that he had been in a relationship with the ow from the day we split and I imagine probably before but can't prove that. We are now getting divorced and had a bit of a heart to heart and he tells me loosing me was the worst thing to happen to him. He never stopped loving me it just got clouded and he can't believe how he treated me and hates himself so much for it. He loves me, I definitely love him but he's shit on everything that we had and there's no way back from it.

Sorry that was long but know that you're not alone and his low mood is not your fault. The only thing I wish I had done was give him an ultimatum to get help or we were done sooner. Trouble is I wouldn't have meant it as loved him so much and was so desperate to fix things.

What would his reaction be if you said his absences are something you could not cope with and you packed a bag and left?

Thank you for your words of wisdom. I’m not sure what he would do if I left, sometimes i think he wants me to do that so he’s not the one breaking up the family, but that could just be the way I’m thinking.
we are due to go on holiday in 4 weeks although he has said he’s worried it’ll be too much for him. The last mink break we did with my family he didn’t come to because he said he couldn’t be around everyone, so stayed home with the dog. He tried to text me the whole time we were away but I couldn’t bring myself to really reply because my parents had paid for us to all go and he didn’t. The relationship between my family and him isn’t great because they’ve watched me break multiple times due to him saying he doesn’t think he wants to be with me then changing his mind. And he has stayed away from them since the break, not getting out the car at theirs etc.
I do love him, I want us to stay a family and the thought of us not being together scares me and breaks my heart, but I don’t know how much longer I can go on not feeling wanted and the whole house suffering.

There could be some truth in your suspicion that he wants you to leave. It is not uncommon for a man to create an untenable situation so that he can blame the wife for breaking up the marriage/family.

It is very wrong that he is leaving you in limbo about the family holiday. Either he wants to go with you or he doesn't. And it sounds like he doesn't.

With 4 weeks notice, at least you can make some decisions and take back control of the situation so that you know what is happening. You can arrange to go with someone else - a supportive friend perhaps who will muck-in and be fun to be around you and the kids.

This will also leave you DH some time and space to do whatever it is that he thinks he has to do to come to a decision.

The only thing that is crystal clear right now is that you cannot go on like this.

I'd tell him not to come on the holiday ( assuming you can manage with the DC on your own or canget your Dm to come in H's stead) and tell him to use the time alone to come to a decision and tell him what your boundaries are and be prepared to act on them!
e.g. That he must start to work on his issues - he starts on meds and talking therapy or he has to leave - and mean it!
or if he leaves again he can't come back. That sort of thing whatever your red lines are. Even though he is depressed you need to stand up for yourself and DC and start things moving forward instead of being stuck in his will I/wont I stay cop out.

I know it is heartbreaking as you still love him but he is really messing you and the DC around.

This is very sad - it sounds like he has depressed. Has he been seeing someone? I would recommend suggesting he see a coach or someone less 'therapy' associated. Life is hard and sometimes people just need extra support or to introduce something in his life that can help (yoga, meditation, a weekly gym session)? hope this improves for you, sounds hard for you and the kids x

@user1469990255 It's completely understandable that you want to do everything possible to save your marriage. But sometimes there's a fine line between being supportive of someone going thru a difficult time and enabling someone's borderline abusive behaviour.

Whatever the status of your husband's mental health, whether he's depressed or simply has one foot out the door of your marriage, his behaviour towards you and the children is frankly appalling. Periods of abandonment, giving you the silent treatment, forcing everyone to walk on eggshells as he hovers around the house like a harbinger of doom.

Existing like this will wear down your self-esteem. It's demoralizing. Your children will internalize all this and you can bet that it will have a lingering effect on them.

I think you know what has to happen here. Get your support system in place and put an end to this sad chapter in your lives. Your husband may someday get help for his problems, but no amount of cajoling, threatening or pleading on your part will make him do this. You need to look after yourself and your children. I'm sorry you're going thru this, it's a really lousy situation. Good luck.