Depressed husband - not sure if it’s me.

[user1469990255]

Hi,

I’m hoping for some advice. Long story so I hope you can all hang in.

im 35 and been married for 11 years. We have two children, 10 & 7. Husband has always been an incredibly hard worker and takes a lot of pride in his job, but his job has also meant he has been away a lot and worked very long hours.

a year ago my DH told me he was struggling and felt very low. He had some bad days but we kept talking and I thought things were ok. We went on holiday and when we got back he said he couldn’t do it anymore, packed his bags and disappeared for 2 days. Left me with the children and the dog without a clue where he’d gone. He came back 2 days later to talk and opened up about how much he struggled and he felt like the struggles are at home but he doesn’t want us not to be a family. Over the next few months we had a lot of occasions where he said he was really struggling and didn’t know what to do, he felt like he couldn’t cope. Eventually because of how bad things were getting j said he had to go to the GP or he would lose us. He did that, went to the GP, took part in some counselling sessions but didn’t think they helped.

since then he has left the house 3 times because he can’t cope with being in the house, then comes back because he doesn’t want to not be a family with us. He doesn’t feel like I’m being supportive and that I don’t get how he feels. Every time we have a coversation it feels like he blames me. After the last time he needed space and had a night away I said I thought he needed to go back to the doctors. He did, they offered him CBT which he is awaiting his date. However he is rock bottom, the house is so miserable and he keeps saying he feels like he needs to leave to get better. I’ve asked him to wait to try the CBT before making any huge decisions and that I think he maybe needs to try medication, but he doesn’t want to and feels like I’m forcing the doctors on him.

im lost on what to do. His relationship with the kids is strained because they see him as this person who always says no. We have very little intimacy anymore, but I feel like I’m holding on to who is was hoping he’ll come back.

has anyone ever been in a similar position. Sorry for the long story. If any bits don’t make sense then I’m happy to explain it better.

I can’t echo this enough - I’m in a terrible mental state after putting up with similar behaviour from my husband before he finally abruptly left for his mums, where he’s now safely tucked up away from the stresses of adult life whilst I’m left to pick up the pieces and my mental health is shattered. Difference is that I’ve recognised I need help and am accessing all support I can get whereas to the best of my knowledge, he seeing a counsellor once a week that he has to pay for and no disrespect to counsellors, but a counselling certificate is nowhere near as adequate as years of studying and practicing mental health as a profession

please make you and your children the priority before you end up like me

I really appreciate all the responses and they all make sense. I feel like I know what I need to do but the reality of it terrifies the life out of me. Not managing the kids on my own, I feel like I do that a lot on my own anyway, but actually being on my own. We’ve been together since I was 21. He’s all I’ve really ever known.

Let him go op.

I know it seems really scary, but try not to be scared.

The reality is that your life will actually become exponentially easier and happier once you take control of your family unit. I know this because I have done it. Yes, it was hard work, and required that I find and stick to a routine that worked for me. But it was such a relief to be away from a man who claimed none of his behaviour was his fault.

There were times before I got rid of him that I really thought I was losing my mind. Once he was gone, everything became clearer. It was an instant relief.

I worked out a strict routine and budget - I was a full-time working mum single parent. The fear that had stopped me from ending the marriage sooner just melted away once I saw that I was perfectly capable of doing it all on my own.

Be strong. Take back control of your life.

Please ask him to leave O.P. You can't fix him, he has to do that himself. He is putting you and your children under so much pressure and it really isn't fair. His refusal to try anti depressants shows he isn't willing to try to get better and you are paying the price.
Dont worry about being on your own, you will cope better than you think, and will probably feel a huge cloud has lifted not having to tread on eggshells any more. Rally your family support too and maybe have some therapy for yourself. But please take control and be the one to tell him to leave rather than always being fearful he will randomly disappear because he can't cope with life at home. That way you will have stability and autonomy.

My DH had a full blown breakdown last year, initially, he didn't want to see the GP, it seems to be a bit of a theme among men. Things got so bad, for me too, I basically had to force him to see the GP, once that barrier had been broken, he did everything he could, and was advised to do to get better. It was a long hard struggle, but he was prepared to do anything, to ensure he got better not only for himself but for me and our children too.
I maybe being cynical, but if he doesn't want to do everything in his power to get help, perhaps he has already checked out of your marriage, but doesn't have the balls to tell you.

Whilst I'm sure he is depressed, the overwhelming impression that I get from what you've said is that he doesn't want to be in the relationship/family anymore but is scared of making the final decision. He's just stringing you along and making you unhappy in the meantime.

My DH going through this also just now. It’s awful, he is so distant and grumpy with me. Hope you are ok l. I’m at a loss on what to do (re refuses to see a doctor or speak to anyone)

Just debating starting my own thread on this, but found this one and wondered how things worked out for you OP?

my DH works long hours, highly stressful professional job. But the depression is killing me. I work (in a school to fit around the kids, because he could never be relied on to be able to leave work even in an emergency- so I need that type of job). Every morning he complains how tired he is, how badly he slept, whether he had to resort to his prescribed sleeping pills. He’s a hypochondriac - if anyone’s ill, he’s got it too, or just had it, or is coming down with it.

it’s exhausting me and chips away at our relationship.

when I point it out, he’s initially angry / defensive. Then full of apologies.

really short tempered with kids.

it’s not bad enough to leave / break up our family. But it’s making me so miserable. I’m admittedly an extrovert in the sense that other people’s moods affect me (I want to make things be okay for people, and feel responsible for his “ glass practically empty” approach to life.

anyway, just wanted to vent here, as can’t IRL.