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Original poster

Genuinely don’t know what to do

39 replies

Giraffesandponies · 11/07/2023 06:39

Two years ago DH suddenly said he wasn’t in love with me, not attracted to me anymore, loved me as a family member but not romantically. Our relationship hasn’t been great for a while but this was still a big shock. Since then we have tried counselling and various things but nothing has changed really. He wants to stay together for the DC, financial reasons etc, but can’t say if his feelings will ever change or not.

Should I wait and see if things get better? Or be the one to end things?
I have found the last years hellish at times, my self esteem has been very low and I am worried I will get unwell if things carry on like this.

OP posts:
KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 11/07/2023 06:50

Two years is a long time to wait for things to get better. What do you think that looks like at this stage?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/07/2023 06:55

All this from your husband is the script indicating that he had met another woman.

He is staying only for his own sake and only cares for his own self. This is also why counselling has not worked out for you as a couple: he’s staying for the kids and financial reasons, not you.

Don’t wait to see if things change further. I would seriously consider starting divorce proceedings sooner rather than later.

Lalabright23 · 11/07/2023 06:56

You say he wants to stay together for financial reasons. What financial reasons? Is it financially beneficial for him if you stay together? Would you be able to support yourself if you separated?

With kindness, his opinion is worth diddly-squat. If you're not happy, he can't expect you to carry on as is because it benefits him in some way.

Original poster
Giraffesandponies · 11/07/2023 07:03

@Lalabright23 well we would struggle to afford two family homes (we live in London), how would we share care of kids etc… I am a higher earner than him but not sure if either of us can manage alone.

I’m not happy - in fact I’m miserable much of the time - but under a lot of pressure from my family (who are very traditional) to stay married. If he isn’t abusive or having affairs (he’s actually a very nice person) - it feels selfish to leave just because I don’t feel loved romantically. But in reality it’s making me depressed.

OP posts:
WeAreTheHeroes · 11/07/2023 07:07

So he gets to tell you he doesn't love you anymore and you have to put up with half a marriage? Why would he tell you this and want to stay unless he just wants the freedom to do as he pleases romantically/sexually? He's taking the piss and however difficult it might be financially you don't have to put up with him calling the shots and you not having what you want in life. You're unhappy because this changed relationship isn't meeting your needs. Time to move on.

LouLou198 · 11/07/2023 07:09

Two years is a long time. You deserve better than this op. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

FinallyHere · 11/07/2023 07:14

LouLou198 · 11/07/2023 07:09

Two years is a long time. You deserve better than this op. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

This

Absolutely this

You are not obliged to put up with this. He is allowed to have agency and so are you.

Watchkeys · 11/07/2023 07:15

All this from your husband is the script indicating that he had met another woman

Ridiculous. Men are allowed to fall out of love.

@Giraffesandponies It's not selfish to leave a relationship that makes you unhappy. It's an example to your children, that if your relationship makes you unhappy, you leave, and if you do it amicably and respectfully.

Don't you want to model that for them? My mum stayed with my dad 'for the sake of the kids', and my brother and I had a series of miserable relationships with partners who weren't very nice to us, but we thought we should stay with. I had extensive counselling and am in a happy relationship now, but it was expensive and painful and difficult. My brother chooses to remain single as 'relationships never work for him and it's not worth it'.

Your husband isn't really wanting to stay together for the kids. Or if he is, he doesn't understand that to give your kids a healthy upbringing, you have to do, in any given situation, what you hope they would do in the same situation.

So, would you hope that your children would stay in relationships that made them unhappy, or would you hope that they would recognise that they are free to leave, and find a happier life for themselves? Whichever one it is, model that for them.

Lalabright23 · 11/07/2023 07:15

Giraffesandponies · 11/07/2023 07:03

@Lalabright23 well we would struggle to afford two family homes (we live in London), how would we share care of kids etc… I am a higher earner than him but not sure if either of us can manage alone.

I’m not happy - in fact I’m miserable much of the time - but under a lot of pressure from my family (who are very traditional) to stay married. If he isn’t abusive or having affairs (he’s actually a very nice person) - it feels selfish to leave just because I don’t feel loved romantically. But in reality it’s making me depressed.

Have you sought advice on what options are available to you in terms of affording a home, etc? People share custody all of the time and make it work.

If you're miserable, in my opinion, it's time to leave. How he manages to afford a place to live is up to him and not your problem. Seek advice for how you would be able to live.

Again your family aren't the ones having to live with a husband who's said he doesn't love you anymore but wants to keep you on a string - it's not up to them what you do.

User63847484848 · 11/07/2023 07:16

What was he hoping to get out of telling you that? If he doesn’t want to leave? Feels almost cruel

if you’re going to split once kids are older isn’t it kinder/better to do it now?

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 11/07/2023 07:18

Sounds like a selfish wanker to me. Drops a bombshell like that but expects everything to stay the same. When I read your first post I knew you'd be the higher earner.

Life is way too short to live a half life, sod him and leave, you can work on your family but they aren't the ones being kept in a relationship for your money, child rearing and no doubt housework etc.

Pashazade · 11/07/2023 07:36

A friend is in a similar situation, three and half years in. He moved out but still uses her as his emotional crutch. He's ultimately very selfish and doesn't consider her feelings at all.

supercali77 · 11/07/2023 07:49

If you could predict the future and knew for a fact his feelings wouldn't change, would you stay? And for how long? Till the kids leave home?

After 2 years I'd say you can realistically assume he's not going to shift back so I think you need to work on that basis

legalbeagleneeded · 11/07/2023 07:57

My neighbour lives in a £2m house. Lots of children. Youngest has just gone off to uni. He has just left her for a younger woman. Turns out he remortgaged so many times to fund his lifestyle that she is going to have to go into rented. I suspect he made her unhappy for years and stayed together for the children. Until the children were gone and he didn't need to stay anymore. Breaks my heart for her. She is a beautiful woman and should have been given the opportunity to have a happy home life. Your situation is different - if you are the higher earner you are not dependant on him for money. Don't let him steal your life.

yipeeyiyay · 11/07/2023 08:06

What is your image of your life long term? Surely you can see it can't go in forever. There will always be a period of adjustment. Just get it over with rather than add years of suffering to the equation

Original poster
Giraffesandponies · 11/07/2023 09:50

I know you are all right that things likely won’t change - I am terrified of wasting what’s left of my youth(ish!) and regretting it later.

But then I also think what if I give it a few years and things get back on track again - shouldn’t I be patient? But then again how long can someone be so miserable for, I don’t know… this is what goes round and round in my mind.

OP posts:
HabberdasheryAddict · 11/07/2023 09:53

You should leave.

Focus on the practicalities of the divorce.

And look after yourself. Put yourself and your interests first. 💐

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/07/2023 10:00

I think you’ve been more than patient more than long enough and he’s taking you for a fool.

He is stating that he is staying for the sake of the children and finances, he’s really staying for his own sake because it’s easier for him. He could not give a monkeys about his children really if he has and does still treat you like this.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/07/2023 10:10

Has he said he thinks his feelings might change? Counselling can’t make someone fall back in love with someone else. I really feel for you. I can’t imagine him telling you he didn’t love you unless it was to break up with you.

I think you have to proceed as if nothing will change and whether that’s something you can tolerate long term. It sounds so lonely.

sodthesodoff · 11/07/2023 10:23

Oh good god get out

You've been patient

Besides which he's not even said he wants to work on the marriage. He's staying for money and the kids. Not you. He's made that very clear

Your happiness isn't important to him. This isn't a partnership. You'll be destroyed if you carry on like this.

Gettingbysomehow · 11/07/2023 10:29

Please don't hang around and waste your life. Its over.
I stayed with my ex for another 15 years after falling out of love with him and it was such a waste of my life.
I couldn't afford to live in my house alone either so I moved out of the south east completely and bought a larger house outright as it's so much cheaper here.
I don't regret it at all.
What I regret is staying with a man I didn't love and who didn't care about me for so long. The children will adapt.

Whathappenedtosummer · 11/07/2023 10:48

@Giraffesandponies I am a person who recently told my husband I no longer love him (though I want us to separate and have told him that)

To say that to my husband was a massive step that I’d agonised over. It is not something you say to your spouse if you want to try to make your marriage work, unless you are a cruel psychopath.

He, like you, hopes if he is patient things might get “back on track”. They won’t.

Please listen to what he has said to you. It must hurt so much, but you should take the initiative and divorce.

FinallyHere · 11/07/2023 10:50

Even if , in the very unlikely chance that he did change his mind again, how could you relax and enjoy, wouldn't you just be waiting for the next time he wanted an out.

Take control of you life, though him out. You life will be much better without him.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 11/07/2023 10:54

I have found the last years hellish at times, my self esteem has been very low and I am worried I will get unwell if things carry on like this.. Been there and stayed way to long and didn't have any self esteem left. It keeps eating at you. When I realised what effect this was having on my ability to be a good mum I realised I couldn't do this anymore, took a while longer to split. It's not the same as a situation where you have both fallen out of love, but are still friends. It's easy for him to say keep things this way, he's not being hurt by living like this. There's upsides for him living like this and while their might be positives for you there's also a very big price to pay.

ClawedButler · 11/07/2023 11:07

Oh you poor thing, that sounds awful.

It isn't selfish to expect your spouse to love you. It's what marriage SHOULD BE. What you have isn't a marriage - it's an arrangement. An arrangement that suits him, and is making you miserable.

You deserve more than crumbs from this man's table. And you've BEEN patient. Two years you've struggled on, trying to hold it together - it's not like you've bailed at the first hint of trouble! You can hand on heart say you gave it every shot.

But you can't control other people's feelings - you can only control what you do. Waiting around hoping things change hasn't worked, has it? And it is beyond unlikely it will ever work. Personally, I would say that a separation is the best thing for you - it will finally put to bed the "what if..." and "if I just..." feelings of hopes being crushed slowly and relentlessly and tortuously.

I do hope you find your peace.