Genuinely don’t know what to do

[Giraffesandponies]

Two years ago DH suddenly said he wasn’t in love with me, not attracted to me anymore, loved me as a family member but not romantically. Our relationship hasn’t been great for a while but this was still a big shock. Since then we have tried counselling and various things but nothing has changed really. He wants to stay together for the DC, financial reasons etc, but can’t say if his feelings will ever change or not.

Should I wait and see if things get better? Or be the one to end things?
I have found the last years hellish at times, my self esteem has been very low and I am worried I will get unwell if things carry on like this.

He has told you he doesn't love you anymore. But that you should stay together for the children and financial reasons.

That is so cruel. And I knew you'd be the higher earner.

So he doesn't love you, but he still gets to enjoy all the extras that come with living with you - kids, childcare, housekeeping, food, your higher wage.

So everything that beenfits him. Yes you'd have higher bills if you left him. But whats the alternative? waste your life living with someone who doesn't love you? In 20 years from now, you'll still be living with him? And while you are there, you have no oportunity to find someone who actually does love you. He has made sure that won't happen because he has you convinced its in the best interests of you and the dc to remain together. But I suspect that is because its actually more in his best interests.

So he doesn't love you anymore. if he cared about you one tiny jot he would want you to be happy. But thats going to come at his expense isn't it? He is a selfish person OP. And cruel to tell you that and then expect everything to carry on as usual.

And I do hate to say it, as seems such a cliche, but yes you also need to consider the possibility of another woman, and as soon as the dc are left home he could well up and leave (with her) and where will that leave you then?

If I were you i'd look into your options now, financially. Start saving like mad and then restart your life, be happy, and you may even find someone who is devoted to and loves you. how bloody lovely would your life be then?

Two years is a long time - in that time if things were going to improve, they would have. Dont waste another two years, he is using you and its depsicable. You earn well and sound fabulous - you deserve so much more than this wishy washy cruel wanker. Ask him to leave. take your power back and end what he started, I promise you there is so much good happy productive life out there, waiting to be lived!!!!

Your husband not only does not love you anymore, he doesn't care about you or your feelings, either. You are now a mere convenience to him, another domestic appliance that cares for his children and runs the home.

My father did it to my mother, they stayed together another decade, the minute his youngest turned 18 my father was off...with another woman. Everything my mother had feared happening for 10 years - losing the family home, having no money, etc - happened anyway. She was 48 when he finally left...

If I were you I'd look into your options now, financially. Start saving like mad and then restart your life

Absolutely this - but make sure that you are formally separated before you start saving as otherwise it would be considered part of the marital assets. Ditto your pension. You need to be focused and practical.

See a competent family solicitor and start planning your future!

Thank you so much everyone for your messages. I am reading them over and over to gather the strength to take the next steps. It is so hard as DH (who I really don’t think means to be unkind) avoids talking about it and often acts like everything’s fine. So then I think, maybe it is fine? But I still feel awful.

No you must not be ‘patient’. He has told you clearly he neither loves you nor finds you attractive. The fact that he expects you to hang around hoping and wishing for some kind of love-miracle is bullshit. He’s not kind. He’s totally self-interested.

You get one life. Don’t be miserable.

So then I think, maybe it is fine? But I still feel awful

What is it that's separate from how you feel, that is , potentially, 'fine'? What is it that you think might be 'fine'?

@Watchkeys family life I guess, the everyday continuing as normal. It feels so hard to disrupt that due to my own personal unhappiness…

But then I thought today, if I get seriously mentally unwell that will be no good for my kids either

But you are one of the members of the family, so if you're not happy, the family isn't happy.

Why does your happiness come separately in your head? Why is it not included in 'family life'?

@Watchkeys i guess it’s what I’ve learned over all this time of suppressing my feelings and trying to keep things OK for the kids. But I see what you mean - and it makes me cry.

I am really worried I’m going to have a breakdown tbh. DH mostly just ignores me and continues as normal. And now I’m terrified I’m too worn down to be strong enough to make the changes I need to.

I guess I just need to know I’m going to make the changes. I can take some time to rest and feel a bit better.

I guess I just need to know I’m going to make the changes. I can take some time to rest and feel a bit better

This is a really good idea and is the first thing you've said that actually respects your feelings. Look after yourself.

Can you talk to him about the fact that you can't go on like this? How might that go, if you tried? If he's a nice bloke, you can chat with him about it, and maybe work something out with a plan to separate? At the moment it sounds like you're saying he's a nice bloke who doesn't listen to or care about how you feel. That's not a nice bloke. He might be lovely to everyone else, but he's not being nice to you.

Dear OP, I am very sorry that this is happening to you, but honestly, there is nothing to wait for. Once you stop loving someone you do not go back loving them again and I believe that one should not stay in such a relationship. I am telling you this from my own experience. I was married for over 25 years, but most of those years I was not very happy. I stayed for the sake of marriage, my kids... I do not know, tradition. I finally worked up a courage to tell my, then husband, I wanted to separate two years ago. My love (and I loved him more then anything) must have died years ago because I do not feel anything at all for him anymore.

@Watchkeys thank you for being so kind. Yes I am going to talk to him. I need to be in the right frame of mind, so I can be strong and calm and not an emotional wreck (as I am at present).

It’s hard to say I can’t go on like this when it’s what I wanted (to stay married). But not like this.

@iamenough2023 thank you for sharing your experience. I do hope things are better for you now.