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Original poster

Does your dh do this? Initiating sex question.

36 replies

Threesmycrowd · 10/07/2023 14:19

Dh and I have sex about twice a week. He initiates more than I do. Once he is in the mood, if I say no he will then try at every subsequent opportunity until we have sex. I hate it! It makes me feel really pestered and like I'm fending him off. For example: Thursday night, I say no. Dh then makes a move:

  • Friday night
  • Saturday when dc naps
  • Saturday night
  • Sunday when dc naps
  • we finally have sex Sunday night
That's just an example - I am not turning him down all the time! But I just know he's always thinking about it. On the other hand if I initiate on Thursday and he's not interested I might not try again for a few days. I'm just wondering if all men get the idea of sex in their head or if its just here that that happens! There's just something about the expectation of sex that I find a massive turn off.
OP posts:
littlehattie · 10/07/2023 14:24

I feel like intimating days apart is absolutely fine. I would be annoyed if it was half an hour or an hour after I said no

PaintedEgg · 10/07/2023 14:30

well...you have sex only twice a week and all he did was ask you on separate days when you both had time. its hardly pestering unless you've made it very obvious that you dont like or want to have sex with him

TangledRoots · 10/07/2023 14:31

I don’t think it’s all men, but it does seem a cruel part of nature that women can really lose their drive after having kids, but men are unaffected.

The expectation/neediness is really unsexy. I had a boyfriend years ago who I would say “I’m not in the mood tonight” and he would say “fair enough” and then he’d put his hand around my waist as though we were set to spoon and sleep - but his touch- it would be so unassuming, yet I could feel his vibes - I’d just instantly change my mind and be up for it. It annoys me that this self-contained, unassuming respect for a woman’s “no” isn’t more common. Men would probably get a lot more sex if it was.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/07/2023 14:33

I think that frequency after a no is pestering tbh and it would put me off for longer.
They really do shoot themselves in the foot a lot.

QueefQueen80s · 10/07/2023 14:38

TomatoSandwiches · 10/07/2023 14:33

I think that frequency after a no is pestering tbh and it would put me off for longer.
They really do shoot themselves in the foot a lot.

This..
Being a sex pest has the opposite effect. Just have a wank if you're horny and partner not up for it, then they won't pester as much.

Switcher · 10/07/2023 14:39

Same here. Yes it's a bit annoying.

LadyJ2023 · 10/07/2023 14:47

Of your not into it then it's selfish. I went off after all births for a while and my hubby never pestered infact if he did I would be so turned off that's why I love him considerate

Jusmakingit · 10/07/2023 14:52

I feel exactly same. I hate that it’s just expected with no understanding of my day or how I feel. I just get shitty ‘joke’ comments like, ‘that would be nice’, ‘I won’t get my hopes up tonight’ stuff like that and he means sex cause I have asked in the past what he means so it’s clear now. Even if I give him a proper kiss, not a peck, he says I’m teasing him and best not to even bother kissing him ! You can’t win, I have zero intimacy cause I can’t even kiss him without it turning into a thing. It’s exhausting ! I do say, I’m not a prostitute you do need to actually make an effort to get me into bed

ComtesseDeSpair · 10/07/2023 14:55

Unless he’s sulking or pouting when you turn him down then I don’t see anything wrong with him initiating / suggesting. Either you arrange set days for sex and agree that he won’t ask on any other days, or one of you has to initiate and it seems like that’s just more likely to be him.

Oysterbabe · 10/07/2023 15:00

My husband does this too and it does annoy me.

BigFatLiar · 10/07/2023 15:00

ComtesseDeSpair · 10/07/2023 14:55

Unless he’s sulking or pouting when you turn him down then I don’t see anything wrong with him initiating / suggesting. Either you arrange set days for sex and agree that he won’t ask on any other days, or one of you has to initiate and it seems like that’s just more likely to be him.

Indeed. Someone has to make the first move.

Bookworm20 · 10/07/2023 15:11

Yes I get this too. But it has the opposite effect of what he thinks it does, in that it just turns me off.
I've told him this and he'll go through phases of not keep bringing it up and he gets more sex as I don't feel like I have to add it into my day like a bloody chore to tick off. I reckon he also gets better sex then, because of that exact reason and because I actually feel like it. But then he reverts back after a while. I can only assume he isn't as bright as I like to think he is.

The keep mentioning it or the little 'joke' comments I get too like another pp are just tiresome and do no make me want to go 'oh yes please, lucky me, lets go'. They just make me roll my eyes.

Original poster
Threesmycrowd · 10/07/2023 15:33

Thanks for all the replies and to those that get it. Yes, its not the initiating, its that the initiating doesn't stop so there's no spontaneity and lots of feeling obliged! Totally agree that we'd have sex more frequently if he didn't pester (as I see it) and that it would be better sex as I would be fully present rather than going through the motions to get him off my back! But to pp who mentioned decrease in sex drive that's definitely a factor. We have sex so much less post dc which is partly due to my libido. Thanks for the replies I feel better having shared this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Threesmycrowd · 10/07/2023 15:37

And yes @Jusmakingit we have less intimacy than I'd like because it's absolutely impossible for me to kiss or cuddle him without that leading to expectation of sex. He is also never physically affectionate unless making a move. Again, ironically its likely it would lead to more sex if he were more intimate and then one thing led to another spontaneously.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 10/07/2023 15:40

I have zero intimacy cause I can’t even kiss him without it turning into a thing.

This is my situation too. We had a huge falling out last week because he says I show him zero affection and he feels unwanted. He's not wrong about the lack of affection, but it's because if I show ANY he's immediately like 'yay sex!'. I just don't want sex as often as he does so find myself withdrawing so as not to get his hopes up.

Shoxfordian · 10/07/2023 15:42

He coerces you into sex op; there’s a word for that kind of behaviour - continual unwanted sexual contact is unacceptable

ABugWife · 10/07/2023 15:52

How would you prefer it to play out, would you rather he wait for you to initiate after you have expressed you aren't in the mood so if it's a no on Thursday, would you prefer him to wait without trying his luck again until you initiate next?

If so can you tell him this clearly and see how things pan out?

I don't think he has done anything wrong as such, my OH tries it on every night, if its a no it's a no and he tries again the next night. If it is a problem for you then be very clear with him how it makes you feel pressured.

Communication is key.

MumGMT · 10/07/2023 15:58

ComtesseDeSpair · 10/07/2023 14:55

Unless he’s sulking or pouting when you turn him down then I don’t see anything wrong with him initiating / suggesting. Either you arrange set days for sex and agree that he won’t ask on any other days, or one of you has to initiate and it seems like that’s just more likely to be him.

How can you not see what's wrong with it when she's just explained?
She's not in the mood so he keeps trying a couple of times every day until she gives in because she feels obliged.

It's coercive, and being coerced into sex and having it out of obligation will ruin their sex life further and have long lasting effects that they are unlikely to come back from.

Even if he doesn't try to be coercive or he doesn't think he is being coercive or can't see it from her side, the impact on her will be the same.

Marblessolveeverything · 10/07/2023 16:03

Have you told him this is going through your head ? sometimes a lot of these issues are because neither parties have actually stated - I need xyz to feel like sex. Or when you do abc, it turns me off .

To me it usually is a communication issue - in his head it could be if I dont initiate it wont happen. Perhaps its time for a chat ?

altmember · 10/07/2023 16:04

Threesmycrowd · 10/07/2023 15:33

Thanks for all the replies and to those that get it. Yes, its not the initiating, its that the initiating doesn't stop so there's no spontaneity and lots of feeling obliged! Totally agree that we'd have sex more frequently if he didn't pester (as I see it) and that it would be better sex as I would be fully present rather than going through the motions to get him off my back! But to pp who mentioned decrease in sex drive that's definitely a factor. We have sex so much less post dc which is partly due to my libido. Thanks for the replies I feel better having shared this.

Why would you have more sex if he didn't try to initiate? The only was that can be is that you're turning him down on occasions where you would have had sex if you'd initiated it yourself instead of him??

Maybe you need to tell him how long he might need to wait for you to be up for it, rather than just saying 'not tonight', because that leaves the door open for him to try again tomorrow. It's clear that once he's tried to initiate that he is still up for it until it actually happens. So when you reject his advances why not say to him "I'll let you know when I'm up for it next"? Then he doesn't have to keep trying, you don't feel like you're being pestered, and you both end up with sex at the next possible opportunity (i.e. when you're both in the mood).

And how do you have sex twice a week if it regularly takes 3 days from him trying to initiate to you being in the mood? Is he after sex daily - i.e the first time you turn him down is the day after you last did it? I get the impression he's far from happy with the twice a week situation, so you may well need to have an open and frank conversation about your sex drives, and try and come to a solution for what appears to be a mismatch.

Original poster
Threesmycrowd · 10/07/2023 16:27

Yes good points about communicating. I dont think he knows how I feel. We should probably have a chat. I don't turn him down every time he initiates and I do sometimes start things myself or its mutual. The thing I'm posting about is just the times when I turn him down and it then becomes relentless. Thank you @MumGMT for the summary you've hit the nail on the head - albeit he's a good and lovely man and not deliberately coercive.

@altmemberI find the pestering a turn off and I find spontaneity a turn on. So if he tries all the time I find it annoying and unsexy, it puts me off. It doesn't regularly take me 3 days to get in the mood :) yes he would probably like it more than twice a week and I think that'll improve anyway - at the moment I am breastfeeding and we still have our youngest in our bedroom with us (5 mth old) but Ill enjoy sex more and be more up for it once I stop bfing. That's what happened last time.

OP posts:
Beachhutnut · 10/07/2023 16:38

Sounds like me sometimes with my DH 😂 I hope he's not describing me as a sex pest! We do DTD more than twice a week though so he's not turning me down all the time but if he does I will try again the next day.

Jusmakingit · 10/07/2023 16:47

Threesmycrowd · 10/07/2023 15:37

And yes @Jusmakingit we have less intimacy than I'd like because it's absolutely impossible for me to kiss or cuddle him without that leading to expectation of sex. He is also never physically affectionate unless making a move. Again, ironically its likely it would lead to more sex if he were more intimate and then one thing led to another spontaneously.

Haha are as with the same person lol I know my partner or poss soon to be ex has very bad empathy for others. It’s always me and my feelings are wrong regardless of what’s happened . It’s shit , some slightly gaslighting and narcissistic behaviour as well

MumGMT · 10/07/2023 16:55

@altmember

Why would you have more sex if he didn't try to initiate? The only was that can be is that you're turning him down on occasions where you would have had sex if you'd initiated it yourself instead of him??

This really shows a complete lack of understanding.
It is a well known fact that when people feel pressure to have sex when they don't want to that that that is a huge turn off. Sex becomes a source of stress, which is the least sexy thing. There is very little chance for a person to become genuinely aroused and in the mood for sex when sex is a source of stress.
When the pressure eases, and someone doesn't feel obligated to have it then there is space for sexual desire and arousal to grow.

QueefQueen80s · 10/07/2023 20:36

ABugWife · 10/07/2023 15:52

How would you prefer it to play out, would you rather he wait for you to initiate after you have expressed you aren't in the mood so if it's a no on Thursday, would you prefer him to wait without trying his luck again until you initiate next?

If so can you tell him this clearly and see how things pan out?

I don't think he has done anything wrong as such, my OH tries it on every night, if its a no it's a no and he tries again the next night. If it is a problem for you then be very clear with him how it makes you feel pressured.

Communication is key.

I'd hate to have to deal with saying no to someone every single night, because I'd start to feel bad even though I shouldn't. The one asking shouldn't be as persistant

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