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Original poster

Subtle hostility from mutual friends after my divorce from my ex husband

39 replies

Anawana · 10/07/2023 14:07

Hi all,

I had a divorce 2 months ago due to my husband coming out as gay. We're still friends. We'd been married for 5 years and had many mutual friends, admittedly who were originally his friends as I moved to his hometown after we got married.

Over the years I got close to these people - closer with some than my ex was - but when we separated, none but one reached out to me. Whereas, they've been hanging out with my ex all the time.

Particularly one lady was completely ignoring me in our group chat, whilst constantly chatting back and forth with my ex and meeting him every single weekend. Today I noticed she blocked me on Facebook. Why on earth would she do that?!

My ex and I are very amicable. Has a similar thing happened to anyone? Is this common for people to pick sides when there's no sides?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 10/07/2023 14:12

Could he be slagging you off behind your back?

whatfreshheck · 10/07/2023 14:14

Do they know why you divorced? Is it possible he hasn't told others that he is gay yet?

OhComeOnFFS · 10/07/2023 14:14

Well they haven't got a leg to stand on if he's come out as gay - it's not as though you were horrible to him so he left you.

Hate to say it but a lot of women will stick with a male friendship over a female one, thinking it has more value. They've identified themselves as that kind of woman.

Livelifelaughter · 10/07/2023 15:25

In the theoretical world in a divorce mutual friends don't pick sides. In practice my experience is very different... friends stick with their original friend. I suspect its because they feel awkward hearing about how he is from him and hearing about how you are... honestly even if you're not married the same seems to happen. I suspect they have more sympathy for your husband because he is gay, it's not right or fair though and I completely understand why you feel hurt.

BackAgainstWall · 10/07/2023 15:40

Don’t take it personally, it’s very standard behaviour.

They were his friends first and this is what usually happens.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/07/2023 15:43

In every divorce I've ever witnessed, friends, family, etc, this always happens. 98% of the friends choose sides, even when there isn't one. Very often the friends handle the divorce worse than the couple did.

userxx · 10/07/2023 15:47

How odd, do they know the reason for divorce?

PrayerFactory · 10/07/2023 15:48

OhComeOnFFS · 10/07/2023 14:14

Well they haven't got a leg to stand on if he's come out as gay - it's not as though you were horrible to him so he left you.

Hate to say it but a lot of women will stick with a male friendship over a female one, thinking it has more value. They've identified themselves as that kind of woman.

Or they happen to be closer to the man in this instance?

theleafandnotthetree · 10/07/2023 15:54

When I separated from my husband - my choice and I suppose, my 'fault' - there was far more of a mixed reaction than presented here. A small number very much took the part of my ex-husband, in some cases because they genuinely felt he had been hard done by butler in at least one case because he got to them first and leaned on them and they were too weak or passive to figure out how to maintain friendship with both of us. But most people were great, muddled through and over time (7 years now) people drifted naturally towards one of us or the other or out of our lives altogether. People genuinely have been much more 'live and let live' and unjudgemental than I might have expected from being on here, for example. But speaking for my own friends certainly, and my exes too, those are the kind of people I'd tend to be friends with anyway! I have a fair few friends but never had a big gang where people 'en masse' would have to make decisions about who's in and who's out, who to invite and who not to invite etc. My groups on WhatsApp comprise a maximum of 4 people! And I only have one or two of them..

Dacquoises · 10/07/2023 16:27

Someone once told me you don't lose your friends on divorce but you find out who your friends are. So true.

In mine, my ex husband kept his friends from before we met, fair enough but also made sure he got in the ear of someone in my school mum's friendships group who decided they were "all on his side", they followed her lead like sheep.

He also managed to get the sympathies of my family and they blanked me whilst inviting him for the weekend and New Year's Eve. No surprise there. Haven't seen any of them for the last 14 years and counting!

I kept the diehards.

Thearseyone · 10/07/2023 16:29

How out is he op? Do they know he’s gay? Is he comfortable about th4 divorce?

TRexTara · 10/07/2023 16:29

Dacquoises · 10/07/2023 16:27

Someone once told me you don't lose your friends on divorce but you find out who your friends are. So true.

In mine, my ex husband kept his friends from before we met, fair enough but also made sure he got in the ear of someone in my school mum's friendships group who decided they were "all on his side", they followed her lead like sheep.

He also managed to get the sympathies of my family and they blanked me whilst inviting him for the weekend and New Year's Eve. No surprise there. Haven't seen any of them for the last 14 years and counting!

I kept the diehards.

Bloody hell, your own family! What arseholes. I hope you have better people in your life now.

DoeRayMe · 10/07/2023 16:34

I had similar loss of friends upon divorce bar a few. I put it down to them being worried I'd steal their husbands

Bonkers

Dacquoises · 10/07/2023 16:35

@TRexTara , you couldn't make it up could you?

Irony is ex-husband was manipulating them to punish me. He dropped off their radar as soon as the damage was done. It actually did me a huge favour by validating what I'd always suspected of them - when the chips are down put the boot in!

TRexTara · 10/07/2023 17:12

Well I'm so sorry that your family was so disloyal to you. I'm really glad that you turned it around all by yourself. You are so much better off without them Flowers

TRexTara · 10/07/2023 17:16

BTw anyone with a hugely manipulative and cunning ex, I feel you. Mine was the same. Despite telling people repeatedly what he is like and things he has done and how crafty he is, things proven in court, 25 years ago, people up to now still get taken in by him. A psychopath is for life not just for the relationship 🤷🏼‍♀️

TheoTheopolis23 · 10/07/2023 17:21

Do they know he's gay??!!!

What a pile of fucking wankers people are.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/07/2023 17:22

I have absolutely no doubt he has been talking negatively about you behind your back.
Sorry.

TRexTara · 10/07/2023 17:22

There's an Islamic saying that the Shaytaan tells one truth mixed with a hundred lies and that the devil is a compulsive liar. Not calling my ex Satan or anything Grin but that's exactly what he does. He takes one truth, where I fucked up or one of my character flaws so people think, oh yeah she is a bit like that.... then twists it to make me sound absolutely dreadful and thereby hiding all the things that he actually did. I've had to learn the hard way over the years who is actually my friend.

zerofuchsgivenTBH · 10/07/2023 17:24

Make some new friends would be my advice. My sister lost every single one of hers when she split with her abusive husband and no longer misses them in the slightest. If he lied to you about being gay how on earth can you be friends? it sounds like you're trying to be the decent person here but you don't need to do that to yourself. Get away from him and start a new life.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/07/2023 17:30

I have found ( from my own experience ) that people who are deceitful with their sexuality, mainly gay men though tend to be extremely fearful of the reaction and when a relationship ends they have to control the narrative and make the woman they " loved " for however long the bad guy.
It's disgusting because essentially they have lied to someone who loved and trusted them and wasted their time and cause significant issues for them and still try to absolve themselves from guilt by throwing shade openly or secretly at their ex.

Essentially they're cowards and I have no sympathy for people that do this.

Original poster
Anawana · 10/07/2023 17:36

Thanks all for your comments. I have absolutely no idea what he's been telling people. On one occasion though, I know he's told someone that I needed more sex and affection than he could provide... Instead of saying that he's gay and we aren't intimate at all. So I know that he's at least capable of twisting the truth.

OP posts:
zerofuchsgivenTBH · 10/07/2023 17:44

I'll rephrase - get away start a new life and let at least one person know the truth about the breakup, which will mean everyone soon knows. It's nothing to hide and it's not fair if your name is being dragged through the mud because he's a liar and a coward.

Original poster
Anawana · 10/07/2023 17:47

Hiya. The person I mentioned in my original post who reached out to me knows the truth and I'm sure she would've told others. Still no idea what's being talked when I'm not there of course.

I think it's time to focus on my existing loyal friends that I met through my own efforts and also to make new friends.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 10/07/2023 17:47

Oh fuck it, I'd just out him tbh. You don't need to keep secrets for some wanker whilst he stashes your name and your friendships.

'Hey, so what's up guys, cause I get the r feeling you're all being a little off with me lately...and Sarah literally just blocked me on fb. I mean I'd understand if Mark and I fell out and had a bad split or something but considering its just that he realised he was gay, it doesn't seem like there's any reason you have to all take sides or something. Mark and I are cool so I don't see what the problem is. Unless I'm missing something?'