Riddled with anxiety and can't function

[BlastedPimples]

I cannot function today. I feel so stressed and anxious. Breathless. Tight scalp. Thudding headache. Gurgling in my upper chest. Zero energy. Head full of spinning thoughts. Totally unproductive. Unable to plan or focus.

I feel very alone. I wake up anxious. I wake up in the night anxious. I go to bed anxious. There's no respite.

I have been like this since October 2022 when my stbexh assaulted me. When will it end? I feel like my teeth are half the size they were with my grinding them at night.

We are getting divorced yet he minimises his violence at every opportunity. Long marriage. 4 dcs all refusing to see stbxh because his abusive behaviour towards them - mostly verbal but terrifying. They saw and heard his violence towards me and are so troubled by it all. 😞

The thought of having to speak to him or deal with him ever again really sets me off in physical reaction. I hate it.

I have found a pt job which unfortunately is also a lot of stress.

I can't get financially independent quickly at all. Which means we are going to face big problems with housing etc. Every purchase however minor is stressful. I just won't be able to cover costs like for example this car we bought on the never never. Both of our names are on the contract despite my not having a job at the time. I have to pay for it each month, its resale value won't cover what is left to repay on it so if I get rid of it, I will be carless and still paying for it.

I can't function. Can't think. Can't breathe properly. Today I took the day off work because I am so worried about where the dcs and I will end up. We could very well end up homeless because I can't cover our living costs and stbexh is a high earner, has accrued loads of debt without my knowledge and is being hardcore in the divorce. There's nothing left money wise. I don't know what he's done with everything. He was very aggressive re my questions about our finances.

I can see no way out. No way forward. What the hell do I do? Is it possible to be full of anxiety and worry forever? I wish I could fast forward ten years because although I could be destitute at least the dcs will have grown up and be on their way out of this mess.

I genuinely don't know how to put one foot in front of the other at the moment. I've never known feelings like this. It's almost a paralysis - physical and mental. I can't imagine being free.

Oh how awful

What you do today, IMO, is try to just deal with today.

What, if anything, do you have to do today?
With the rest of the time what, if anything, might help you feel just a little bit less stressed? Not in relation to the big things you have facing you, just in terms of self-care.

The paralysis is normal, understandable and protective.

Can you sit down and have a cup of tea and watch some crap telly? You have so much to worry about but also worrying about it won't change anything.

People do recover from very bad periods. I know it doesn't feel like it but people do recover. While it is happening the priority is survival. Afterwards you heal.

What support do you around you @BlastedPimples because you need some, even if it is just moral.

I have some friends. I don't live in the U.K. I can't keep offloading onto my friends.

Can't afford therapy.

That's understandable you don't want to burden them but I'm sure they won't see it like that. Anxiety is a complete bas*d isn't it. Myself and I'm sure others will offer moral support for as long as you need it.

No. I've been messaging them a lot. It's enough now.

I should have made better progress by now. I wish I could.

Think I will probably lose my pt job as I'm lost there as well. Zero onboarding. Fundraising stress.

Also my poor dcs and the deep hurt they feel from their father behaving the way he has. I'm heartbroken for them. My eldest ds is 18 and he just wishes his dad was like other dads and could offer him the guidance and support he craves at this age. The other dcs says they don't love him, they don't trust him, they don't want anything to do with him. It's a blessing we aren't in the U.K. because he can't really bother us too much at the moment from where he is in the U.K.

Stbxh claims his behaviour is due to ADHD, then a nervous breakdown but he has been like this for years. Always making excuses. A joke really especially for those friends and relatives who support him.

I wish I could fast forward ten years because although I could be destitute at least the dcs will have grown up and be on their way out of this mess.

I can remember saying the same thing after I fled DV, if only I could fast forward ten years.
Ten years later my life was a whole lot better, in far less than 10 years actually.
The anxiety is horrible, I can remember hiding under some stairs at work, thought I’d seen ex husband. I’d scan every car park before I left a building etc etc but slowly the anxiety subsides.
Re finances it’s difficult to advise as you’re not in the UK but look up domestic violence advice charities for your country as the more help you can get from those in the know, the better. Sorry I can’t think of anything more practical atm.
Support your dc in their choice not to see their father, they’re taking control of their situations which is a great place to start.

Are you able to go to the doctors to seek support for your anxiety?
Are you able to find a less stressful job that will bring you alot more joy for the same money?
Is there any support contacts that can help go through your finances and see if their is any additional support that you may not be receiving right now?

I'm so sorry you are going through this it's awful. Your going through a really tough time... it won't be forever but it will feel like it right now. You need support and guidance during this time

You can lean on us. You're going through so much at the moment, so be kind to yourself. You're doing your absolute best and you're holding it all together.

Thank you. It's amazing the support on MN.

It angers me that stbxh is still trying to trick the dcs into believing ADHD is the cause of his violence, lies and general dickhead behaviour.

They are far too canny to fall for that though.

I have a feeling we will have to return to U.K., declare ourselves homeless and pray that a council will find us accommodation

To think, 3 years ago, we had a £750k mortgage free house. Stbxh insisted on selling it and has frittered away the money on god knows what.

To go from lifelong security to this, all because of his awful behaviour and wandering dick. I detest the man.

I'm sure the council will. When children are involved I think they have a legal obligation to help. Do you know when you might have to come backto the UK?

Depends on the divorce settlement.

I have managed to enrol the dcs into English language schools here where they follow a U.K. curriculum. Free of charge. No mean feat as the competition is very stiff. They had to leave their international school which is fee paying. Can no longer afford that but I think fee paying school is unnecessary anyway. Stbx always insisted on it.

They start the new school in September. They love living here. None of us want to return to the U.K. really but we recognise as needs must.

Divorce hearing is also in September. So it's pretty poor timing in terms of schooling, keeping things calm and stable for the kids should we have to move back.

If we had to return to the U.K., then I don't even know how I'd pay for moving all our stuff. And paying for the pets vaccinations so they could travel too. I'm stuck really. My head spins with trying to find a way out, writing cover letters for other jobs etc. I loathe my current role even though it's been a life saver financially.

Stbx has always had a horrible temper and a dangerous driver. I think he's been having affairs since 2019. He was really vicious and unpleasant on and off throughout this time. He started his last affair last summer. He was so emotionally absent from family and married life and turned violent in October when the police were involved. He now lives with his gf in London.

Weirdly, when he's not violent or aggressive or adulterous, he's also a very generous and loving. Extremes. Which has been headfuckery for me and the dcs. We know not to be seduced by it anymore.

I've also got psychologists reports for all the dcs which state they have suffered psychological and emotional shock from his domestic violence. Dd was in a psychiatric ward for a week because she was expressing a strong suicidal desire. She blames her father for this.

Christ. It's been so hard. Navigating the dcs through their distress. Shitting bricks about the money.

Been amazed at friends who have actually actively sided with stbexh despite having heard recordings of his violence towards me and the dcs.

That's is truly awful and the children having to go through all that is horrifying. It's no wonder they want nothing to do with him. You've been there for them and protecting them and I'm sure they are protective of you too.

Yeah. I didn't do enough. I should have left him years ago. But I didn't dare. He is a bully. A nasty piece of work.

You can only say you didn't do enough if you didn't leave him but you did. You were scared. That's his fault not yours.

Yeah and now he's going to do everything he can to ensure we are left with nothing and even less because of the debts he's built up.

Who knows what you'll have left but you must keep fighting. I know you said you can't afford therapy. Have you had any?

Well where I am you get free session with a psychologist. She told me that it's good that I am planning, looking ahead.

I just have to "put him out of my mind". This is after I told her about the nightmare, grinding teeth, the impact on the dcs. No tactics or strategies to help really. I left her sessions feeling even more of a failure because I can't shake off the fear.

I thought I'd focus on finding better employment and then pay for a better therapist.

You might feel like a failure but you're absolutely not.

It's good that you have those appointments. They don't sound exactly what you need but better than nothing. How many sessions can you have?

I can go twice a month. I don't feel any benefit because she doesn't seem to have anything to contribute really. Perhaps her kind of therapy is just me blabbing on. Except I don't. I stare into space a lot, fully aware that I've been saying the same things over and over.

I remember more and more episodes of stbxh being utterly foul to me over the years. He's clearly quite unwell.

Hi

In a similar situation I found anti anxiety drugs helpful.

For situations where you are very anxious (acute anxiety) your doctor can prescribe diazepam or beta blockers.

Something like duloxetine will also help longer term.

Just take one day, one hour even, at a time. MN is here for you so keep posting.
Many of us have experienced quite severe financial and emotional struggles (mostly caused by ex partners, sorry to say) so keep the faith and be confident that you WILL get through this. Do you think keeping a journal might help? Sometimes purging onto paper can be a release.

Stay strong, keep putting one foot in front of the other, make your children proud. You’re doing well, you just don’t know it.

First of all your anxiety makes absolute sense for the situation you are in. It is a normal reaction to abnormal situations and your situation sounds horrific. It will end, you are in the middle of seeing it through but it will end. Trauma symptoms definitely do a physical number on a person but once you get to a place where you feel safe they dissipate over time. It is so hard when you are in the middle if it.

Do you have any other options to get away from it, would leaving the area be an option for you?

I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

I'm not a professional and I'd suggest the support of a professional but you can look up you tube videos on EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) or Havening, which have helped people, which you can do for yourself when you feel distressed.

Also for trauma I've heard some people find EMDR therapy to be effective, you need a practitioner to do this.