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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner has upset me

35 replies

masking123 · 10/07/2023 07:32

Some slow burn upset has crept upon me this morning. Bf and I went to a party this past weekend where some of my relatives attended. On the way I was trying to describe who would be there, which children belonged to which cousin/aunt etc. As I was doing this, he interjected with "Oh, I know. The one whose kids are soft." It took me a second to realise what he meant at first, as I was driving and focusing on the road, but what who he was referring to were my relations with autism.

He called them soft.

I didn't have much time to react, as again - driving. But also this was said not far from us arriving to our destination and I didn't want to ruin the children's party by having a face like thunder and causing drama so I swallowed it down and got on with things. But on the drive home I kept thinking about it, and I started feeling upset. I can't imagine saying that about someone in the first place, let alone about the relative of someone you're in a LTR with? What made it worse, is I am currently waiting to be diagnosed as an adult with autism, so I am panicking now if I do get that diagnosis, will he think that of me too? Or am I just overreacting and being defensive of my family?

We have had issues before where he has implied that my diagnosis may be used as a get out of jail free card, and I'll use it as an excuse, when really, I just want to know wtf is going on inside of my head. So this has added further dimension to that. We've been together for nearly 10 years now, house, anniversary this week. And on top of all of our other issues this feels like the cherry on top of the shit sundae that is our relationship at the minute. :(

What do you think? Am I being a baby here?

OP posts:
WeAreTheHeroes · 10/07/2023 07:39

What does he mean when he says soft in this context?

MajorDanger · 10/07/2023 07:39

‘Soft’ must mean something different where I am (& I have an autistic DC) so I’m wondering if it’s a miscommunication?
Soft is usually used to describe someone who cries easily & is moved to tears at the slightest things. I wouldn’t assume it’s anything to do with them being autistic.
That aside, you don’t seem very happy in the relationship.

Original poster
masking123 · 10/07/2023 07:41

Oh sorry. Locally soft means 'soft in the head', so not mentally all there. I should have put that in my main post. It's quite an sly way of saying someone is mentally deficient.

OP posts:
PollyAmour · 10/07/2023 07:43

Soft would mean sensitive where I live, not necessarily an insult. But if he meant soft in the head (an awful expression my grandmother used to use about children with learning disabilities) then he’s a horrible person and you need to throw him back in the sea.

Original poster
masking123 · 10/07/2023 07:46

@PollyAmour He meant the latter. It just makes me anxious he sees me like that now I'm on the path to getting my issues looked into. I just wanted to know if I was overreacting before I talk to him about it after work.

OP posts:
Fillyourshoes · 10/07/2023 07:56

You still haven’t said anything to him?

Fillyourshoes · 10/07/2023 07:57

You have been with him ten years and this is the first time he has revealed this very outdated and daft view on ND?

Original poster
masking123 · 10/07/2023 07:58

@Fillyourshoes He left for work right as we got home (works away) so I just took the evening to try and put it from my mind but it's just built up.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 10/07/2023 07:59

I can certainly see why you're upset. Maybe he didn't mean anything by it? Perhaps his parents always used this term and he's never given it any thought? It might not be as black and white as "He's a horrible person".

Original poster
masking123 · 10/07/2023 07:59

Yes. I feel since I have been to the GP to get referred he has dropped very subtle hints but subtle doesn't really work on me, so this was a big red flag popping up.

OP posts:
Fillyourshoes · 10/07/2023 08:01

We have had issues before where he has implied that my diagnosis may be used as a get out of jail free card, and I'll use it as an excuse

Lovely

Original poster
masking123 · 10/07/2023 08:02

@SallyWD Yes maybe it is. I just wanted some outsider input before I went in all guns blazing

OP posts:
Fillyourshoes · 10/07/2023 08:04

masking123 · 10/07/2023 08:02

@SallyWD Yes maybe it is. I just wanted some outsider input before I went in all guns blazing

Why on earth would you “go in all guns blazing”

what will that achieve?

Bellabon · 10/07/2023 08:04

Where I'm from OP, soft has the same meaning that you have stated - 'soft in the head'. Personally I would be disgusted that he would even think in that way, let alone say it

Original poster
masking123 · 10/07/2023 08:06

@Fillyourshoes I don't mean literally! Just meant before I get really upset when I talk to him about it.

@Bellabon Yeah it did shock me quite a bit but because of everything going on it didn't fully sink in until we got home.

OP posts:
Fillyourshoes · 10/07/2023 08:08

Do you honestly think I meant that you were going to get a gun and shoot him?

of course I knew you meant get very upset with him

you do take things literally!

24Dogcuddler · 10/07/2023 08:08

I was going to ask if you live in or he is from the North West.
In Lancashire dialect soft can mean foolish or silly. In Liverpool soft lad can mean fool/idiot.

The way you have described what he said sounds like it was used as a derogatory term.

I’d start by asking him what he meant by the remark and say you do know that x is autistic? See what he says.
You can try to increase his understanding but will be unlikely to change any negative ingrained views.

As you are seeking diagnosis yourself this sounds like his attitudes are quite rightly going to be a problem.
You are and will be you with or without a label.
You shouldn’t be “ panicking about getting a diagnosis “ He should be your first line of support ,if needed, as your partner
He really needs to know that his throwaway comments are hurtful and not acceptable. Take it from there.

Bellabon · 10/07/2023 08:08

I think I would want to know if he genuinely thought that way. As PP has said, has he never expressed these sorts of thoughts before about autism?

Humidititties · 10/07/2023 08:17

Fillyourshoes · 10/07/2023 08:08

Do you honestly think I meant that you were going to get a gun and shoot him?

of course I knew you meant get very upset with him

you do take things literally!

Stop baiting the op, it's unnecessary

Fillyourshoes · 10/07/2023 08:19

Humidititties · 10/07/2023 08:17

Stop baiting the op, it's unnecessary

Show quote history

But it does possibly indicate that maybe she has misinterpreted her partner given she seemed to think I literally meant “all guns blazing”

Original poster
masking123 · 10/07/2023 08:19

@Fillyourshoes Part of my issues. Thanks for pointing that out.

@24Dogcuddler Thank you for the helpful response. He is from the NW yes but I am familiar with the way he meant it. He does know they are autistic as I have told him a couple of times we think it might run in the family somewhere just like ADHD seems to. His support would be great but after this I am unsure of where I stand so I will definitely try and dig into that later when I get to speak to him. Again, thank you for your great reply.

@Bellabon Not that I have ever noticed but as previously mentioned subtlety is something I do struggle with, but because this was quite on the nose I think that's why I've picked up on it.

OP posts:
gannett · 10/07/2023 08:20

Yes, it's derogatory and hurtful language, but it's also the kind of language some people might use without thinking. That's no excuse and I'd definitely bring it up, but there's a difference between "mate, that word you used wasn't on at all - let's have a talk about what you really think about autistic people, and you need to stop using that word" and going in all guns blazing.

However if he has form for downplaying your own mental health and if the relationship is the "shit sundae" you describe it as, I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg.

Please know that you don't have to stay in a shit relationship.

Original poster
masking123 · 10/07/2023 08:20

@Fillyourshoes I might be ND but I'm not stupid so please stop patronising me. I know what the term he used means, and how he meant it. There are no two ways about that. To me, it would be like if he called them the derogatory R word, that is how obvious the usage was.

OP posts:
Fillyourshoes · 10/07/2023 08:24

masking123 · 10/07/2023 08:20

@Fillyourshoes I might be ND but I'm not stupid so please stop patronising me. I know what the term he used means, and how he meant it. There are no two ways about that. To me, it would be like if he called them the derogatory R word, that is how obvious the usage was.

Well in that case, after ten years together, and given what he has said directly to you about your possible diagnosis - I would assume that he’s going to be thoroughly i unsupportive . And in fact sounds like his is already

MrTiddlesTheCat · 10/07/2023 08:29

Fillyourshoes · 10/07/2023 08:08

Do you honestly think I meant that you were going to get a gun and shoot him?

of course I knew you meant get very upset with him

you do take things literally!

Why would you make a snide comment about an autistic person taking thing literally? Do you make digs like this about other disabilities?