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Original poster

Open relationship?

26 replies

Nikolas17 · 09/07/2023 22:46

I am a 36-year-old gay man & for 2 months now I am dating someone who is 10 years younger than me. We have not yet discussed where our relationship leads however I would like to ask you what do you think about open relationships. We had a conversation in the past & he mentioned to me that he is not 100% sure if he could be with 1 person exclusively sexually for a long period. I also know myself and I am not sure if I can do that either. What do you think about open relationships & how do you create/ discuss the boundaries?

OP posts:
LifeIsGooood · 10/07/2023 03:39

Do you actually know even one couple who survived an open relationship?

allthebeautifulflowers · 10/07/2023 04:01

I'm polyamorous so I've seen many examples where it works very well. But it's not an easy option - it takes good communication, self-examination and a strongly ethical approach. There are various books on the subject so do read around. The worst approach is to jump in without discussion and thought. There are various non-monogamy groups on Facebook which I still find helpful. Open relationships can take many different forms, so you'll need to decide what would work for you (and you may still decide that monogamy is the answer to that question).

CrazyArmadilloLady · 10/07/2023 05:19

Fair play to you for coming on here for advice, and you’re more than welcome.

I must admit, if I were in your position, Mumsnet is probably the last place it would even occur to me to come for advice on this topic.

No offence to us lot - a load of Mums, for the most part - and I know we’re populated by all walks of life, but still …. 😏

DaisyWaldron · 10/07/2023 05:30

@allthebeautifulflowers makes a lot of sense. I'm very monogamous, so it really wouldn't work for me, but I know plenty of people in happy, long-term non monogamous relationships. From the outside, the non-monogamy takes lots of different forms, but they are all really open and honest in their communication and that includes showing a lot of love and appreciation for their long-term partner(s).

PermanentTemporary · 10/07/2023 05:42

It's something I would like, but none of my long term partners have ever been interested. I also am not sure I have the emotional strength and maturity to manage something like this.

The only time I have been in a non-monogamous situation, my biggest emotional problem was feeling that I'd ranked my 2 partners. I cared far more about seeing one than the other, and I felt bad that number 2 was essentially only getting my spare time and that I would cancel on him without hesitation if the option to see number 1 came up. Indudnt feel very good about that.

C1N1C · 10/07/2023 06:08

I think navigating the yes/no is the easy part. The hard part is the chance that one or both of you will be tempted by something more elsewhere.

It's the classic cake and eat it situation. Monogamy reduces the chance of the other leaving, so I guess the real question is, is the varied sex life more important than being with this person... because that's the risk.

ArcticSkewer · 10/07/2023 06:11

I'm always interested in why so many more gay men than straight men are able to do this. My theory is that women are seen as property, men allow each other more autonomy.

I was okay with an open marriage but my ex wasn't (ironic as he was hugely unfaithful but in secret). He was too jealous to cope.

GreyCarpet · 10/07/2023 07:10

I wouldn't even consider it. I personally don't know any couples where both parties have been equally into it. It's usually one person who wants it and the other person who goes along with it reluctantly to keep their partner whilst telling themselves how mature they are and how strong their relationship is.

I wouldn't want to be that person.

Original poster
Nikolas17 · 10/07/2023 23:26

I would not even consider it in the past however I think we need to be realistic nowadays. It's extremely hard to be in a monogamous relationship (not one that both partners cheat on each other but they don't say it). I started considering this recently because I need to be ready when I have this discussion with the guy I am dating. The issue is though HOW do you form the open relationship. What rules / borders do you put. I just don't want my partner to know that whatever he does with others I will be always there for him! I need him to know if he cannot invest fully to only one person there are also consequences.

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 11/07/2023 00:27

Why have you decided a bunch of mainly hetero women will be able to help with this? It's very unlikely to be the case.

Festoonedflurryfairy · 11/07/2023 00:49

Call me old fashioned but I am surprised that anyone enters in to an open relationship with the expectation that it will endure. To me it seems to have obsolescence built in!

Do you want to have children? If so, how would an open relationship work in the context of parenting?

You can apply all the rationality and boundaries you want to it but imho love and sex don’t tend to work along those lines but maybe men are better at compartmentalising?

And perhaps women, as the half of the partnership that bears the dc, has a greater need for safety and constancy within it?

Personally, for me as a heterosexual woman, monogamy is a choice. And that choice had pros and cons but the former outweighs the latter.

Why commit at all to a long term relationship at all if you know from the outset that you will want to stray outside of it?

EBearhug · 11/07/2023 01:24

You need to discuss what your boundaries are. If one of you is thinking one night stands with one other person and the other's planning a big orgy in the front room, you need to know. You might want limits like you don't want to know any details - or that you must have met the other person before your partner has sex with them. Will you allow other partners in your home, or only in hotels or their place? How will you handle one of you getting feelings for a third person? Etc, etc, etc...

There's a whole load of things to consider, and you will need to review and update agreed limits as you go along, because what you think you might be okay with may turn out to be not the case in reality.

Read up on it, think about what you will be okay with and what will be deal breakers and your partner should do the same, so when you talk about how it will work, you're not just making assumptions that your understandings of how it will work are the same, but you've talked it over and agreed, and also have an agreement to review.

MumGMT · 11/07/2023 01:28

I would not even consider it in the past however I think we need to be realistic nowadays.

What made you come to the conclusion that you'd need to consider an open relationship to be 'realistic'?

It's extremely hard to be in a monogamous relationship (not one that both partners cheat on each other but they don't say it)

What makes you think an open relationship would be any easier or better? Many open relationships fail, and there can be a lot to deal with. Boundaries and rules can often be crossed so 'cheating' and betrayal can still occur if the relationship is open.

Like others have said, this is a strange place to ask.
There are a couple on here who say they are advocates for ethical non monogamy but then they seem to advocate for cheating aswell.

I've seen other posts about open relationships on here but they are simply a last resort type thing for when their relationship is dead and they are simply staying together for their kids etc so it's more of an arrangement rather than a happy relationship and it's not one they would have chosen for themselves if they felt they had freedom.

EBearhug · 11/07/2023 01:30

Why commit at all to a long term relationship at all if you know from the outset that you will want to stray outside of it?

Some people are quite capable of committed long term relationships which aren't monogamous.

WilkinsonM · 11/07/2023 03:15

Nikolas17 · 10/07/2023 23:26

I would not even consider it in the past however I think we need to be realistic nowadays. It's extremely hard to be in a monogamous relationship (not one that both partners cheat on each other but they don't say it). I started considering this recently because I need to be ready when I have this discussion with the guy I am dating. The issue is though HOW do you form the open relationship. What rules / borders do you put. I just don't want my partner to know that whatever he does with others I will be always there for him! I need him to know if he cannot invest fully to only one person there are also consequences.

You have whatever rules and boundaries work for you both. Nobody can tell you what you should have. We have an open relationship (yes we have been together a fairly long time, getting married this year, very happy, for the doubters that it's possible!) but we have some very clearly defined rules. Finding our comfort level was trial and error and we've both been upset/hurt at times but we talk and work things out. For us the benefits outweigh the risks but it's very personal and everyone's motives are different. What works for us won't work for you and vice versa.
the best advice I can give you is don't feel you can't stipulate a red line no matter how unreasonable or petty you might perceive it as. If you don't want it, don't allow it, and both partners must have the power of full veto no questions asked.

GreyCarpet · 11/07/2023 19:05

The suggestions for boundaries etc all seem very 'sensible' to me but I can't help but think it's a lot of thinking, talking, processing, tolerance, understanding etc just to he able to have sex with someone else!

PaintedEgg · 11/07/2023 19:11

@Nikolas17 do you want to have an open relationship or have you resigned to have one because you don't believe a monogamous relationship can last?

EBearhug · 11/07/2023 22:03

think it's a lot of thinking, talking, processing, tolerance, understanding etc just to he able to have sex with someone else!

There'd probably be more improved monogamous relationships around if more people put that work in there too.

MumGMT · 11/07/2023 22:08

EBearhug · 11/07/2023 22:03

think it's a lot of thinking, talking, processing, tolerance, understanding etc just to he able to have sex with someone else!

There'd probably be more improved monogamous relationships around if more people put that work in there too.

Excellent point!

WilkinsonM · 11/07/2023 22:10

PaintedEgg · 11/07/2023 19:11

@Nikolas17 do you want to have an open relationship or have you resigned to have one because you don't believe a monogamous relationship can last?

Being able to have sex with other people really isn't the point or the main benefit of having an open relationship for us. Honestly the communication and closeness that we have is so much better than any monogamous relationship I have been in. It's a wonderful way to live if it works for you.

Mirabai · 11/07/2023 22:11

This is by no means exclusively the case and some women are genuinely poly but many of the women on here in “open relationships” are simply women whose husbands want to fuck other women.

I’d try a gay male forum personally.

Oldnamechangeyetagain · 11/07/2023 22:14

While I am sure many people would like to help OP, I wonder if this is the right site to seek such advice?
I'm sure there must be some gay sites somewhere that will be able to help you?

BTW I don't know many gay men but those I do know would never consider such an arrangement.

TragicMuse · 11/07/2023 22:54

Nikolas17 · 10/07/2023 23:26

I would not even consider it in the past however I think we need to be realistic nowadays. It's extremely hard to be in a monogamous relationship (not one that both partners cheat on each other but they don't say it). I started considering this recently because I need to be ready when I have this discussion with the guy I am dating. The issue is though HOW do you form the open relationship. What rules / borders do you put. I just don't want my partner to know that whatever he does with others I will be always there for him! I need him to know if he cannot invest fully to only one person there are also consequences.

Sorry, I'd say absolute bollocks to your claim that monogamy is difficult.

If you want to be poly, be poly, but be honest about your reasons. Don't do it because you think monogamy is hard. It's not hard to be faithful to the person you love.

PaintedEgg · 12/07/2023 08:44

WilkinsonM · 11/07/2023 22:10

Being able to have sex with other people really isn't the point or the main benefit of having an open relationship for us. Honestly the communication and closeness that we have is so much better than any monogamous relationship I have been in. It's a wonderful way to live if it works for you.

Show quote history

I think your post highlights why its so important to figure out why one wants an open relationship.

For you it means having a closer relationship with more trust and communication, however OP one of his reasons potentially being unable to form a monogamous relationship without cheating.

i think there is a difference between having an open relationship because you want to and agreeing to an open relationship as a second best option to being cheated on

WilkinsonM · 12/07/2023 08:51

PaintedEgg · 12/07/2023 08:44

I think your post highlights why its so important to figure out why one wants an open relationship.

For you it means having a closer relationship with more trust and communication, however OP one of his reasons potentially being unable to form a monogamous relationship without cheating.

i think there is a difference between having an open relationship because you want to and agreeing to an open relationship as a second best option to being cheated on

Show quote history

I agree 100%
Its really not for everyone and anyone who goes into one because of pressure or fear of losing the other or because they don't feel sexually 'enough' is just going to become miserable.

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