Depressed about being single

[Nohoping]

Here I am, aged 39, single and lonely.

I’ve had a full life where I’ve achieved everything. Job, home, travel, friends, family, hobbies - the lot. Yet no loving partner to share it with, to come home to, and start a family with.

I am so depressed and lonely, it is destroying my soul and life. I am so miserable and jaded, after I caught my last boyfriend cheating.

I’m a good person with much to give.

Why can’t I meet someone. The dating apps are horrendous and I’ve only ever met men who are clearly looking for sex.

I don’t meet anyone in real life now and all my colleagues are women.

I’m wondering whether to have a baby on my own, as I have supportive family, but I’m still on my own and extremely alone.

I don’t want what to do with my life. I feel so much is on hold, as I wanted a partner and a family.

Help anyone.

Only you can decide if you want to have a baby on your own. I must say if I didn't meet my partner I would have. Being a mum was always something I longed for.

I will say that can't depend on someone to make you feel happy or complete in life. That is something that you have to find on your own.

I'd imagine the men on the apps looking for a relationship and starting a family are doing so with younger women. Your time to conceive is most likely running out, or it may even be too late (due to egg quality declining with age). Trying on your own would you give you some agency over having a child, but no guarantee as well. You can meet someone at any point in life.

Definitely not too late to have a baby.

If having a child on your own is an option then I would seriously consider it asap.

Meeting someone might happen separately and organically. 39 is young.

@Italiancitizenship how do you know for sure it's definitely not too late for op to have a baby? Do you have a crystal ball into her fertility?

I’ve had fertility checks and doctor reassured me I’m ok. Obviously I have a few years left.

I’d like a baby but I’m worried about the added loneliness it may bring.

Of course I’m happy. I have everything. Except a partner and since my last relationship ended, it’s been tough.

Even in my early 30s, I found men were looking for hook ups on the apps. It’s not a new thing.

Nobody can guarantee you will conceive and have a live birth. Nobody knows what your egg quality is like, there is no such reputable , evidence based test. Read up about it, it's a misconception that you can conceive easily. Men in their 40s may not have the best quality sperm so these two factors combined, may not be good. You're far too reliant on the "next few years" as being the time left.

Goatbilly are you a fertility doctor?

I think if you want a baby go it alone. Time is running out and I guess the question for you is will you regret not going it alone if you wait to meet someone and it doesn’t happen? What about some new hobbies? Ones that generally attract both men and women. Widening your social circle can often lead to introductions to other single people if you make it clear you’re looking for a relationship. Are there any dating apps that are for people looking for long term relationships rather than hook ups?

Have you considered using a paid matchmaking agency?

Or singles nights/clubs?
Ditch the apps and meet people IRL...

Thanks for all the suggestions

I’m worried about doing it alone and the loneliness. Any thoughts on that?

I’ve tried many dating apps and have friends and hobbies. It’s just so hard meeting someone…

What apps are you on OP? I know a few people that switched to paid ones or like another PP said a proper matchmaking agency.

Hobbies aren't a great suggestion sorry although that's the first thing everyone suggest . Most people already have partners there. That's why singles specific things like singles nights, there are Meetup groups (on the Meetup app) specifically for single people.

Also OP sorry I'm not e
Meaning to suggest solutiona - just there may be things you haven't tried!
Of course they can all you know not succeed
And yes u can have a child alone.

But children grow and will have their own lives, you will not be their number one priority anyway. So you should not have a child to assuage your own lonelines if you see what I mean.

I have a friend in your exact situation. She is amazing and I have no idea why she is still single, but I understand how frustrating, lonely and annoyed she feels at times, especially when other friends are progressing in their relationships.

She has decided to have a child on her own. Like you, she has a supportive friendship circle and family - and has seen how we have cooed managed when we became single parents!

Go for it and good luck :)

No but I have personal experience of fertility clinics and reputable ones would never say to a 39 year old woman that she will be fine in easily conceiving and carrying a pregnancy. Rl

Every time you go on a date you'll be assessing whether you'd want to be having a child with someone, it's a lot of pressure and for this other person to tell you immediately whether they want to do this with you in such a short amount of timeframe available (the next few years ).Would you be overlooking red flags because you're desperate for a family?

You could also end up a single parent as the relationship may break down the line, since you can't guarantee whether the relationship will work out in the long run or not.

Many women grossly underestimate what's involved in actually getting pregnant, when chances are in fact 25% each month when all is well. Miscarriage rates and chromosomal abnormalities increase as we age, it's not a walk in the park getting pregnant though yes some women are fortunate and conceive easily regardless of age; the point is nobody knows your individual chances so the sooner you crack ok with it the better.

Yes fertility declines, but women frequently get pregnant well into their early to mid 40s. The fact that fertility declines is not a reason not to try.

In any case @Nohoping - you don’t need a fertility clinic at this point as far as you know, you just need to decide what you want to do and go ahead and try. There would be other options too like adoption or foster care.

I’m worried about doing it alone and the loneliness. Any thoughts on that? - regarding what you said about doing it alone, you said that you have a supportive family that would help you? Would they also help you with childcare?

I found that when my dc were little there was a community of people around due to the many other parents I met, a whole other world of potential friendship. It has died down a lot now that my dc are at secondary school and university, but during the early and primary school years I had a lot of friends!

In terms of meeting someone I can’t advise - I have been single since my divorce 5 years ago and it looks like I will carry on being single. At 39 however I would say that though you might not feel it, you are still in your prime, and you never know what might be around the corner.

*or go down the IVF route to crate fresh /frozen embryos.

Goatbilly I work in the field of fertility.
while I appreciate your time on my thread, you do come across extremely negative for someone who has posted about being depressed. And calling a fellow poster ignorant. Not very pleasant.

I think it must be so hard when you've never had a LTR, to realise you're (probably) on the greenest side of the grass.

Ask almost any divorced 50 year old woman who is now single, so having had both, and they'll tell you they're far happier single. It's true for me, for every single single woman I know in real life, and for the vast majority of women on here, though not all. Anecdotes not stats, but definitely my experience.

I'm not a man hater, I just don't think that as a cohort, very many of them are able to emotionally connect in a deep way like women can. And, that's the point of a relationship. They're great for banter/for lighthearted fun/a shag- but not much else. I'm sure people will respond on here to say their dh/ds/df is fab, but it's not my experience whatsoever.

Anyway, long winded, the grass really isn't greener.

arethereanyleftatall I know what you mean x

@Italiancitizenship I didn't advise Op not to try just to be aware of the reality that it may not work - you misread information and dish out your own unfounded fertility advice "women frequently get pregnant in their early to mid 40"... again making assumptions that this applies to all women.

I would go it alone op. Kids are hard work, but wonderful. At least you'll know you're on your own from the outset and can prepare for that, rather than join the tens of thousands of woman who realise they are actually on their own too late.