I think DH is going to end our marriage

[inneedofahh]

And I feel sick…I don’t understand what he thinks I’ve done wrong.

I don’t want to speak to anyone IRL atm.

Why do you think this? What has happened?

What’s happened to make you think that?

Has he said he thinks you’ve done something wrong?

No one has to have 'done something wrong' for a marriage to end. Sometimes people just fall out of love. Or find that eveb though they love eachother, thry just can't make it work because they aren't compatable.

Also...if someone is in the wrong, why do you assume its you?

Because he’s listed all the things he feels I’m unreasonable about. I don’t think I’ve behaved badly in anyway…for example, chose a school for DC without asking him but I did, he gave little input and didn’t suggest an alternative. He viewed them all with me.

What do you mean, listed? In a text message?

I think you need to explain a bit more about what has actually happened

Common behaviour for him to start listing everything you do 'wrong'?

Seems like a dick move to me.

Does he ever discuss his own shortcomings with you? Admit his own faults? Have a kind, non accusatory discussion with you where you both talk about how you could do things differently in order to function better as a couple. And then do these things.

I'm betting not.
Maybe you should leave HIM.

He ranted…I don’t want to go into a lot of detail. I just don’t know what to do with myself until I can try talking to him about what’s going on.

I feel like im a good and supportive wife but it’s not enough.

Have you considered that thats how he wants you to feel?

Like you're not enough.

That he KNOWS you haven't done anything wrong. He just wants you to think you must have, otherwise why is he acting that way. To find yourself stuck on a merry go round of explaining yourself in various ways to 'make him understand'. To prove your loyalty/love/honest intentions/goodness or whatever it is.

Because so long as you're stuck on that merry go round of trying to prove yourself by looking inwards...you don't see thar HE is the problem. And he can continue to be puppetmaster, pulling your strings.

Listing a person's shortcomings is not normal op. Especially when its sully stuff that you shouldn't even need to defend to a partner. It I however, a common abuse tactic of narcissists (npd) and similar to trap you in a cycle of wondering what you've done wrong and how you can change yourself in order to fix....them. FYI - you can't.

There’s a long way between a rant and ending a marriage. Are you sure you aren’t catastrophising here? If he’s truly unhappy or resentful maybe some marriage counselling might be a good idea. Once he’s calmed down have a mature sensible conversation and suggest that you might both benefit from a third party helping to communicate better.

As pp said it’s not necessarily about you or he doing anything wrong or being bad people. Sometimes it’s just very poor communication.

I do feel it says more about him than me…I know deep down I’ve not done anything to warrant this. He says I control everything when I do tell/ask but get little back he forgets conversations.

I’m worried about him but it’s been going on for a while.

He won’t do anything like that because he says it’s all me.

You feel you're a 'good and supportive wife'. Is he a 'good and supportive' husband?

Or do you hold yourself to higher standards than him?

In a healthy relationshop, you both do equal supporting, you both have the others' back, you both put in the same energy to making your relationship work, you both show love and care and understanding. You both show the other how important they are to you. You both show love through actions, not just words. You prioritise your relationship and your family life.

So...has your DH always treated you like this, and now this 'list' has come out of nowhere? Or has he always criticised you?

I'm afraid that there is a decent chance he fancies someone else and is starting the script to convince you / him / other people that he's been unhappy for ages.

Forgets conversations or 'forgets' conversations.

Look up 'gaslighting' See if it rings bells.

And example would be if you had a talk and he agreed to stop doing something but then, did the very thing he had agreed to stop doing - five minutes later! And then when confronted, said he never agreed not to do it. (Maybe even adding 'we never even talked about that, what are you on about').

People dont just forget serious discussions.
Not unless he has a brain injury or dementia or something.

It started a few years ago when our eldest was born, now we have worsening bad patches.

I try to do things so that he only have work to worry about, nothing around the house or DC as I only work part time. I think he resents me for only working part time but I can afford to and it was agreed.

I really want this to work but I just don’t understand what he wants.

Missed out that I don’t feel appreciated

I want it to work for me and DC

I'd love to win the lottery for me and my family. But it's probably not going to happen. And if I spend all of my money on lottery tickets, I'll ultimately hurt my family in the mean time.

Do you know what might be better for your kids? A home free of strife and the stresses of their parents unhappy relationship. Good partnerships are great for kids. Bad ones, teach them that bad relationships are normal. And thats not a life lesson you want your kids growing up with.

So be careful!

I know, I understand that…I also worry about coparenting with him tbh given his current attitude towards me

Not saying its bad enough for you to split. I don't know the ins and outs. I'm using guesswork lol.

But just don't pin all your hopes on things that aren't working. Know when and if to walk away.

Yeah I get that.
But just because leaving someone is hard...doesn't mean you should stay with thrm.

I mean, if someone has so much contempt for you that you fear their behaviour at a distance...why on earth would yoi want to share a bed with him?!

You deserve to be happy. And free of bullies. Bullies don't like being stood up to or told no. But tough tits! They don't get to rule our lives.

I was shocked too by this kind of behaviour, with my exhusband it was after we had split due to his adultery. I had spent 20 years of married life trying to support him in his lack of confidence and anxiety, I followed his lead in politics, and his interest in saving the planet, never complained at him spending most of his spare time on his hobbies. He rang to tell me that he could no longer provide maintenance for our 15 year old son, because of money problems, he was a teacher on a reasonable salary, and had just come back from a holiday abroad. I laughed!
And he blew his top and said that I had always laughed at his problems, I had been an unsupportive wife, and that's why he left me.
I realised then that many men, completely change the story in their own minds, to make themselves the victim. Something hardened in me that day, I pointed out that he didn't leave me, but I threw him out after I actually caught him cheating, and that he had cried and begged to be allowed to stay. Do not be fooled into taking the blame.

My advice would be if he wants to walk, let him walk. Focus on you and DC, be proactive, take control.
No reasonable man would behave like this, he's playing with you, don't allow it.
Never allow a man to make you feel your not good enough, you know your worth.
Suggest a seperation would be good for both of you, you need some space, be absolutely fearless OP, you will be more than capable of creating a good way of life for yourself and DC, you don't need this shit.