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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think DH is going to end our marriage

48 replies

inneedofahh · 09/07/2023 15:37

And I feel sick…I don’t understand what he thinks I’ve done wrong.

I don’t want to speak to anyone IRL atm.

OP posts:

Original poster

inneedofahh · 09/07/2023 16:24

I’m struggling to know when to walk away. When it’s good it’s great, when it’s bad it’s all my fault supposedly.

OP posts:

SayHi · 09/07/2023 16:26

Did he physically write a list? Or just have a rant about things he’s not happy about.

Obviously he has been unhappy for a while and it’s been building up and up.

The fact that he’s told you is a positive thing as it means you can work through it, if you choose to.

I would sit down with him this evening and go through the list and let him get his point across and then you can defend your point.

It may be that he is all of the things he says you are and you need to change some behaviours.
Or it could be that he is done with the relationship and there’s no turning back and so he’s thinking of all of the negative things so he doesn’t feel bad about leaving.

BiscuitsandPuffin · 09/07/2023 16:31

inneedofahh · 09/07/2023 16:24

I’m struggling to know when to walk away. When it’s good it’s great, when it’s bad it’s all my fault supposedly.

The bad times are him showing you his true self. There'll come a point where there's more bad than good, and you'll wish you had escaped while you still could. He's already doing a number on you by the fact you think your role in the relationship is to support him rather than for both of you to support each other as equal partners.

I'm going to hazard a guess that every time he "isn't happy" about something he brings up every single thing you ever did that he thinks was "wrong". And that he turns it around on you that you made him this upset, whereas in reality he's choosing to get like this with you and no well-balanced reasonable adult behaves like he is towards you.

Mari9999 · 09/07/2023 16:33

@inneedofahh
If the man no longer loves and is happy with your, do you want him to stay with you? Can you envision 18 more years of both of you feeling what you both feel
now?

Counseling can help with communication strategies and behavior modification strategies, but counseling cannot recreate love that is no longer there. It can help you create a level of tolerance for each other if some element of friendship and fondness exists between the 2 of you.

Many couples live a " settling for" life, and learn to be content with that. He may just be a bit ahead of you in assessing his level of satisfaction with your current relationship. Maybe you need to give some serious thought about your relationship in a framework that does not include your children. He did not fall in love with mommy and you did not fall in love with daddy. Is he still the man with whom you fell in love, and are you still the woman with whom he fell in love?

Have you both coasted along on the very misguided belief that the other will still love you no matter how you evolve and change?

Skodacool · 09/07/2023 16:39

Another woman?

Original poster

inneedofahh · 09/07/2023 16:42

He says he’ll always love me, I don’t think there’s OW for a lot of reasons.

I feel that he just wants his own way all the time. It’s when I say no that problems arise

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 09/07/2023 16:43

Sounds to me like he’s got something that he wants you to forgive him for, so he’s getting in there first with all your faults.

Original poster

inneedofahh · 09/07/2023 16:47

I can think of things that he would feel bad about. When Ive mention how these things have made me feel, he denies wrongdoing

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 09/07/2023 16:49

So his behaviour is hurting you, but he denies wrong doing, yet he’s pointed out your faults. It’s gas lighting and I’d suggest he’s got somewhere to go.

Pinkbonbon · 09/07/2023 16:49

Partnerships have to have people capable of meeting eachother half way.

If one person always has to have their way and what they want, the expense of the other persons happiness then they aren't partner material.

You should be able to say no to things without it turning into ww2. And without being made into the bad guy.

Relationships are supposed to make life easier, to have someone to share the load with. A companion, a friend, someone capable of listening to you and considering whats best for you as well as the relationship and themselves.

If all they do is take...and expect you to give...they're not a friend, they're not a partner. And it's not love.

QueensBees · 09/07/2023 16:51

inneedofahh · 09/07/2023 16:42

He says he’ll always love me, I don’t think there’s OW for a lot of reasons.

I feel that he just wants his own way all the time. It’s when I say no that problems arise

So he is controlling isn’t it?
And the latest rant is about keeping you in your place, doing everything for him so he has as little worries as possible. And more importantly Wo ever questioning him.

Westcoastwoman · 09/07/2023 16:53

Please see a solicitor OP, to see what you are legally entitled to.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Mari9999 · 09/07/2023 16:57

@inneedofahh
A man who loves says " I love you." A man who is preparing to leave you says " I will always love you."
It is the unspoken" but" at the end of the "I will always love you" that tells the real truth.
L

Westcoastwoman · 09/07/2023 17:01

Mari9999 · 09/07/2023 16:57

Oh boy, how I can identify with this.

That's exactly what my two friend's husbands said to them as they were preparing to leave for their mistresses, leaving them each with 4 children and in one case a new born.

jamdonut · 09/07/2023 17:02

My ex husband said he'd always love me,that I'd done nothing wrong, even though he'd just sat and told me he had an OW, that he was "torn" -but then left anyway. He basically wanted his cake and eat it.

I wasn't going to put up with that! (We were married 27 years, known each other for 31)

He just felt he came" bottom of the list " in our family...which was totally untrue cos he was a moody git that me and the kids spent our time "thinking" about so that he didn't get "stressed" .....it was always me doing the running about (because he didnt drive) after the kids , I worked full time, as did he, and I also did the majority of cooking. His thing was to look after the garden....
You have my total sympathy, but I have no real advice to offer - sorry

baconcrisp · 09/07/2023 17:06

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

Freefall212 · 09/07/2023 17:08

95% of the time, spouses posting see themselves as the great spouse and the other as the problem. Likely if you asked the non posting spouse they would have their own view and opinion.

Men and women get unhappy with their marriages or realize issues in the marriage that are negatively impacting them or are unhrealthy. There is really never a way to tell someone else the issues in a marriage without that person getting defensive. It is human nature.

The responses here are also a gendered view. When a man posts that his wife wants to divorce and none of her issues with him are valid and he is an amazing spouse and she is the problem...the responses take a very different tone.

You really need a third party to give you a less biased view OP. Everyone here is just going to agree that you are the saintly spouse and he is a useless waste of space.

Original poster

inneedofahh · 09/07/2023 17:11

@baconcrisp
no

OP posts:

N0ëlle · 09/07/2023 17:11

You poor thing, if he ends your marriage, view it as being released from having to make the decision yourself.

My X also thought it was reasonable that his choice was the path we went down, I used to put up token resistance argue "the case" for doing things another way, but he never agreed and always over ruled me.

Eventually I gave up and capitulated instantly. I was already planning to leave. I'd been posting winter coats and boots home. He didn't ask me why I was so defeated, no, he congratulated me on how well we were getting on. Omg. That cemented my determination to get away.

You will be ok if this marriage ends. Please know that. The process of building a life that is right for you might even be enjoyable. I had tough times but never regreted leaving.

So if he comes to you with a list of reasons why you're dumped, say "thank you for making this decision for both of us"

LabRat90 · 09/07/2023 17:32

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

I wondered that too...

Mari9999 · 09/07/2023 17:42

@N0ëlle
The OP is not a "poor thing"; she is a capable woman who can manage her life regardless of what happens with her marriage.
If she starts to view herself as someone to be pitied,she is not positioning herself to take charge of her future.

Her children' s family will always consist of a mom and a dad. The mom and dad may not live together, but there is no reason why with effort that they cannon co-parent well together.

I would guess that the OP's husband will soon be saying " I will always love you, but I am no longer in love with you. "

Should that day come, it will signal the end of a marriage, but it will not signal the end of her life . It will signal the restructuring of her life and the move on to the next chapter of her life. She can be sad to see the one chapter end, but she can enter the next chapter knowing that she is capable and in charge.

cruisingabout · 09/07/2023 17:44

inneedofahh · 09/07/2023 15:51

He ranted…I don’t want to go into a lot of detail. I just don’t know what to do with myself until I can try talking to him about what’s going on.

I feel like im a good and supportive wife but it’s not enough.

wouldn't be surprised that rather than what you did 'wrong', there's a certain someone he finds doing everything 'right'. he seems like a passive person from your shcool hunting story, this kind of men tend to stay in a functional marraige for convenience, unless there's someone else that they deem worthy enough to disturb their convenient life for

FlyingMonkeyNever · 09/07/2023 17:54

Sounds like he’s following ‘The Script’. Get your ducks in a row.

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