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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I get out of an affair

42 replies

CaughtUpInAMess · 09/07/2023 15:03

I’m single but I’ve got myself caught up in an affair with a married colleague and now we’ve both admitted feelings. How do I get out, and stay out, whilst causing as little damage as possible?

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 09/07/2023 15:17

Just say you have had second thoughts. As he's married. End it now before you or anyone else gets hurt

Twosticksandstring · 09/07/2023 19:51

Just say that you want it to stop... and don't let yourself be reeled back in.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 09/07/2023 19:52

Just stop.

It won't end well, no matter if he leaves her or not. So much heartache. Are there kids involved?

Personally I'd look for a new job or to move department if possible.

justtype · 09/07/2023 19:55

justanothermanicmonday1 · 09/07/2023 19:52

Just stop.

It won't end well, no matter if he leaves her or not. So much heartache. Are there kids involved?

Personally I'd look for a new job or to move department if possible.

This

Tighginn · 10/07/2023 01:43

The damage has already been done. Meet with the wife, answer her questions truthfully. I am sure the gaslighting, deceit, try to find evidence will have driven her crazy. Then get some therapy to help you understand why you choose to do this.

Dotcheck · 10/07/2023 01:51

‘This has to stop. You’re married, and this isn’t right for anyone’

Send in a text if you don’t trust yourself to get pulled back in. Then block and look for another job. You owe him nothing

RachelTopliss · 10/07/2023 01:52

Tighginn · 10/07/2023 01:43

The damage has already been done. Meet with the wife, answer her questions truthfully. I am sure the gaslighting, deceit, try to find evidence will have driven her crazy. Then get some therapy to help you understand why you choose to do this.

This is crackers. Does the wife know? I'm not sure it's a good idea but she deserves to have choices which she doesn't have now.

SweetestOfTheSunflowers · 10/07/2023 01:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/07/2023 01:58

Fucking hell, why on earth did you choose to be "that" person? Do better, it's not hard. There are countless single men to fuck.

SpeedReader · 10/07/2023 03:19

You get out and stay out through behaviours that are consistent with the relationship being over.

Tell your colleague that you are ending the affair. If doing it face-to-face will be too difficult, then do it on the phone or even via text message.

Go no contact, except for any essential work interactions. Unfollow him on any social media. If having his number on your phone will be a temptation, delete it.

Avoid or minimise any chances for temptation or poor decision-making.

Fill your time with other things.

Don't put your colleague on a pedestal. Remind yourself that he is making terrible decisions that are disrespectful to you and his wife. [I'm obviously assuming your relationship is with a married man.] Having an affair is not a productive and healthy way to deal with whatever problems he is facing.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Sure, you made a bad decision too. But we all make bad decisions. The thing now is to recognise it, and deal with it.

As for limiting damage - the best way to limit damage is to nip this in the bud. It won't be easier to terminate the relationship in 3, 6 or 12 months, or indeed in 5 years. I personally wouldn't be contacting his wife - I'd leave them to it. If the two of you have ongoing difficulties working together, you might want to think about other employment, if work is going to make your miserable.

Good luck, OP 🌷

Monty27 · 10/07/2023 03:46

@CaughtUpInAMess the sooner the better with minimum drama. You know what you have to do. Be strong.

jelly79 · 10/07/2023 06:14

Why is it even remotely hard to get out of this? You know what to do!

How far has this gone?

GoodChat · 10/07/2023 06:21

You just say "it's over, please don't contact me outside of work anymore." Easy.

something2say · 10/07/2023 06:27

And be wise to any behaviour that is aimed at pulling you back in.

JohnOgloat · 10/07/2023 06:30

Affairs always end badly, especially for the affair partner.

I read this somewhere and when I think of the silly single women in work places I've come across who get involved knowingly with married men, it really rings true.

'Women who know that they’re worthy of full commitment from a high value man, wouldn’t even consider a married man.

Due to the way they were raised, they may not be fluent in the language of emotional intimacy.

So they replace intimacy with superficial excitement: which dating a married man will always provide.

*The truth is, however, that if a woman feels good about herself, she would seek out a man that is truly and solely available to her.
*

*Women with low self-esteem often don't believe, deep down, that they really deserve the full attention of a good man, which means settling for whatever love and affection they can get.
*

She is damaged. So much so, she had to sleep with a married man to make herself feel better. To feel like somebody chose her over another. To put herself above that other person, despite not knowing anything about that person. Just the feeling she got from perceiving herself to be ‘better’ than the wife was enough to quell her feeling of not being good enough. For now.'

Daisyhillsareblooming · 10/07/2023 06:32

Tell him it’s over and break all contact . If he has no respect for his marriage he will have no respect for you .

Dontcallmescarface · 10/07/2023 06:39

You say " I don't want to see you anymore" then block and delete his number...it's not that difficult really.

Epidote · 10/07/2023 06:39

Put yourself first.
This is not good for you because it makes you feel bad, therefore you need to stop it.

Say it and do it. Tell him is over for the sake of everybody.
Don't feed the feelings with thoughts or fantasy go for the facts. He is married.

Time will put the things in its place and you will feel better.

If you need to change your work do/department do it

Alifelessweird · 10/07/2023 06:40

JohnOgloat · 10/07/2023 06:30

Affairs always end badly, especially for the affair partner.

I read this somewhere and when I think of the silly single women in work places I've come across who get involved knowingly with married men, it really rings true.

'Women who know that they’re worthy of full commitment from a high value man, wouldn’t even consider a married man.

Due to the way they were raised, they may not be fluent in the language of emotional intimacy.

So they replace intimacy with superficial excitement: which dating a married man will always provide.

*The truth is, however, that if a woman feels good about herself, she would seek out a man that is truly and solely available to her.
*

*Women with low self-esteem often don't believe, deep down, that they really deserve the full attention of a good man, which means settling for whatever love and affection they can get.
*

She is damaged. So much so, she had to sleep with a married man to make herself feel better. To feel like somebody chose her over another. To put herself above that other person, despite not knowing anything about that person. Just the feeling she got from perceiving herself to be ‘better’ than the wife was enough to quell her feeling of not being good enough. For now.'

This is bonkers. The desperate determination to create these weird portrayals of OW just so you can feel superior.

It’s entirely possible that OW just want good sex with someone they fancy.

In OPS case, you have the sense to know it needs to end now it’s more than sex. So just end it. All endings are hard. So just do it and move on.

Alifelessweird · 10/07/2023 06:45

Oh, and if @JohnOgloat ( apt username) doesn’t have a similar price they fondly read and reread destroying the psychology of married men who have affairs , then their post is also misogynistic as well as utterly bonkers.

Alifelessweird · 10/07/2023 06:46

Piece, not price

Juanmartinez · 10/07/2023 06:50

You're making it sound difficult, it's really not. Just tell him you don't want him to contact you anymore outside of work, delete all numbers.
It sounds as if you don't really want it to stop.

GreyCarpet · 10/07/2023 06:59

JohnOgloat · 10/07/2023 06:30

Affairs always end badly, especially for the affair partner.

I read this somewhere and when I think of the silly single women in work places I've come across who get involved knowingly with married men, it really rings true.

'Women who know that they’re worthy of full commitment from a high value man, wouldn’t even consider a married man.

Due to the way they were raised, they may not be fluent in the language of emotional intimacy.

So they replace intimacy with superficial excitement: which dating a married man will always provide.

*The truth is, however, that if a woman feels good about herself, she would seek out a man that is truly and solely available to her.
*

*Women with low self-esteem often don't believe, deep down, that they really deserve the full attention of a good man, which means settling for whatever love and affection they can get.
*

She is damaged. So much so, she had to sleep with a married man to make herself feel better. To feel like somebody chose her over another. To put herself above that other person, despite not knowing anything about that person. Just the feeling she got from perceiving herself to be ‘better’ than the wife was enough to quell her feeling of not being good enough. For now.'

I agree.

When I was 21, my married boss made a play for me at the Christmas do 🙄

When we were back at work, he asked me to go for a drink with him so we could talk. I went. He told me that he'd been married for 9 years and not looked at anyone else before me, he told me I was beautiful, he told me he couldn't stop thinking about me...

I asked him what he thought his wife would say if she knew what he was saying and declined to see him again. I looked for another job.

I was really pissed off with him for it.

I've never understood women who are flattered by the attentions of a married man.

Have some self respect and tell him you're worth more than being some bit on the side.

GreyCarpet · 10/07/2023 07:02

Alifelessweird · 10/07/2023 06:45

Oh, and if @JohnOgloat ( apt username) doesn’t have a similar price they fondly read and reread destroying the psychology of married men who have affairs , then their post is also misogynistic as well as utterly bonkers.

It's not bonkers or misogynistic..

I've.lost count of the number of married men who've made a play for me over the years. I'm nothing special but some men will try it on with anyone and just wait for a woman who will bite.

We know some men will do it but women don't need to accept it.