How do I get out of an affair

[CaughtUpInAMess]

I’m single but I’ve got myself caught up in an affair with a married colleague and now we’ve both admitted feelings. How do I get out, and stay out, whilst causing as little damage as possible?

This. It’s the only way.

It’s the obsessive focus on OW and the vicious destruction of their characters, whilst skipping over the married men that is misogynistic.

It’s the delighted determination that OW are all damaged fools that is bonkers. Some women don’t want the H as a future life partner. They just want the sex and don’t care he’s married. There are many reasons single or married women choose a married man And for many it will be a clear sighted choice that this suits them and what they are looking for at their current life stage.

I don't know. I dont know but i think you'd have to he pretty damaged to demean yourself to have sex with someone else's husband even if sex were the only thing you were looking for.

We can't control anyone else's behaviour. Including married men being dicks. But we can control how we respond to them.

Agreed. @GreyCarpet, it's only demeaning if the OW hopes for more commitment, wants to be the only woman in his life, or is missing out on other things because of waiting around for him to slot her in between his family time.

There are lots of reasons for having a sexual relationship; it's not always about wanting it to develop into something more! I wouldn't want anything to develop with a man who lies to the people who love him.

I stopped my OW experiment (in my defence, I was young) when I saw how nervy his wife was at a party. I hadn't really thought about what it would feel like to suspect your husband was cheating and how awful it must be to scan the crowd, trying to pick out the girl of the moment. I saw it then, and ended it the same week. He replaced me almost seamlessly, and did in fact leave his wife for her. Glad I wasn't part of that mess!

@CaughtUpInAMess, there's no need to make a melodrama out of it - as I'm sure you know. You're entitled to tell him it just doesn't work anymore and clarify you'll be going back to purely work-related interactions. Heal yourself with friends, remind yourself he's a lying twunt, and overwrite him if it helps (with someone single!)

I think the tone of your post suggests you feel a little bit like this is something that has 'happened' to you. Just try to remember that you're 100% in control of your own actions at all times, even if feelings are involved. Feelings are no excuse for continuing to go down this path.

Also, the drama might feel quite exciting now but it could literally ruin lives, including those of children if he had any. See if you still feel so sexy after thinking about that.

Not an obsessive focus on OW at all as that is what OP is. I'd be saying the same to a MM engaged in an affair.

Affairs hurt and leave long and life lasting trauma, not only to the innocent party but any children and wider family of the marriage. Of course the husband is a total rat but KNOWINGLY shagging a married man would only happen if the woman had come from Low Selfesteemville and didn't know her worth.

'There are many reasons single or married women choose a married man And for many it will be a clear sighted choice that this suits them and what they are looking for at their current life stage.' - are you saying having no morals, accountability and shitting on another woman by merely using her husband, risking breaking up her marriage for some convenient easy sex isn't misogynistic behaviour? What a cop out.

I’ve got myself caught up in an affair with a married colleague

Exactly as @ThunderSnacks says - your description is very passive, like this whole thing was nothing at all to do with you, and you just got caught up in it.

You’ve got full agency over yourself.

If you want to end it, end it.

Seriously, you are posting on here to ask how you say 'I'm not doing this anymore' and then just stop meeting/communicating with him?

Tell him that seeing as you both 'have feelings' you want him to leave his wife if things are to continue.

Then wait for the excuses to start.

My friend has just found out her dh had an affair and they're in the process of splitting up. I cannot tell you the hours I have spent on the phone with her or at her house helping her navigate this mess. She is a broken woman. Her children are suffering.

This affair apparently didn't even have feelings involved. Her dh just wanted sex. He told OW he didn't get it at home. He's now all trite and saying he made a mistake blah blah blah, but the damage is done and their family is ruined.

You need to think about this. That man's wife is a human with feelings and she's probably clueless to his behaviour. You need to end it now before it goes further and block all contact. Think about how you'd feel if this happened to a friend of yours.

But they're still implicit in rubbing the wife's nose in it. I've been in this position and I agree with @JohnOgloat

KNOWINGLY shagging a married man would only happen if the woman had come from Low Selfesteemville and didn't know her worth.

'Tis true.

even with feeling on both sides they will rarely
leave their partners for the ow.
and the rare ones that do, a few months and it's over.
i know there's a handful of folk that are together after starting an affair, everyone thinks that will be them.
don't be the ow, get out, tell him straight sorry this can't work, i deserve more and i'm going to get my head sorted and move on. u must go no contact completely tho. on absolutely everything. no phones txts emails, sm, no asking mutual pals etc. u can do this.

If you really want to end it quickly, tell him you want him to leave his wife and that you plan to help him by telling his wife about your true love situation.

You say "I don't want to do this any more". And then you don't. Very simple, no drama. I don't understand what damage could be caused - what are you expecting him to do? He's not exactly going to cause a scene about you ending things if he's married?