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Original poster

Boyfriends texts with a "friend"

33 replies

101nothere · 09/07/2023 06:12

Before anyone starts I know I shouldn't have snooped but I have and now here we are.

Cut a long story short been with boyfriend for 7 years and during this time he's always been close with another girl but always reassured me that they were friends nothing more. I had my doubts and have always had a gut feeling it was more than that.

Last night I got drunk, my boyfriend fell asleep and stupidly I went through his phone. I ended up going through his and his girl-friends texts. Low and behold I've seen things that a deal breakers. He previously asked her for nudes as he claimed I wouldn't give him any and it wasn't fair. He also told her that he didn't find me sexually attractive and that he wished I was more like her. Another thing he said is that he kept having sex dreams about other people. This has all been a massive insecurity of mine which to my face he will never admit so for me to see it written there was kind of like what I needed to reassure me I wasn't going crazy.

My issue now is I want to bring it up to him but these texts were from 5 years ago. Is it too late to say anything?

OP posts:
AngelAurora · 09/07/2023 06:18

Yes it's too late, you reap what you sow. Stop looking through his stuff, it's embarrassing that after 7 years you still do not trust him.

RedRobyn2021 · 09/07/2023 07:11

I'd bring them up

I don't know what the hang up is about not going through peoples phones. I've very occasionally snooped on my partner's phone, when I've felt things weren't right between us.

Bringing it up might result in a break up, but he said what he said and you feel how you feel. Things aren't the way they should be, if you are secure in a relationship you don't have these doubts.

Susieb2023 · 09/07/2023 07:29

Oh jeez, you didn’t trust him and have now been proved right, he is an untrustworthy creep. I’m not going to deride a hurt woman for looking through a phone!

I’d mention it and then kick him out the door. You say these comments are deal breakers for you. Well there’s your answer, don’t twist yourself into a pretzel trying to make his creepy comments and downright disrespect ok.

You deserve better than this.

TumbleweedRolling · 09/07/2023 08:10

Well creeping on womwn demanding nudes is revolting.
I wouldnmt even want to know a man like that.

Are you actually willing and able to break-up with him?

There’s really nothinh he could say or do to make it right.

Artycrafts · 09/07/2023 08:21

Get rid of him.

GoodChat · 09/07/2023 08:37

They're dealbreakers so break the deal. You clearly had reason to be concerned and now you know you weren't just being paranoid.

I never advocate snooping - it's a massive invasion of privacy- but at least now you know.

wp65 · 09/07/2023 08:39

I think snooping is sometimes retrospectively justified - as in this case. Your instincts were correct. This is horrible, disrespectful behaviour from him (and two years into your relationship, too! Hardly the early stages of dating). You will never be able to trust him.

pilates · 09/07/2023 08:42

How did his girl (friend) respond? I think you have to bring it up with him otherwise it will bug you. Trust is an important factor In a relationship.

StarshipCaptain · 09/07/2023 08:47

You say these messages are from five years ago and you’ve been together for seven years, right? Is he still texting her? Is it a habit of his to have kept really old messages does he do this with everyone or was he specifically keeping hers do you think? I know I’m one of those people who keeps all messages, good, bad and from everybody. So don’t read anything into that. What is the tone of the recent messages? Is it just as friends? You say the things he has said are a dealbreaker, how easy is it to let him go then? Are you trying to find a reason to keep him? Look at his recent messages, what did they say? Were his feelings reciprocated? If he stopped fancying you five years ago, why is he still with you? So many things to think about here, if you feel you can’t trust him anymore, and this is still going on, or maybe now it’s with someone else, then you need to ditch him.

Eve171 · 09/07/2023 08:47

AngelAurora · 09/07/2023 06:18

Yes it's too late, you reap what you sow. Stop looking through his stuff, it's embarrassing that after 7 years you still do not trust him.

Well OP was right not to trust him, so what an odd comment.

Eva6437 · 09/07/2023 08:49

The fact that these texts were sent when you were only 2 years into your relationship is a red flag. It is likely he may of said those things to this female friend to try and gain nudes from her- who does?! 100% creep.

it’s too late to confront him, plus he may turn it around on you- that he doesn’t trust you any more for snooping on his phone.
No judgements regarding snooping, I let my DH on my phone and vice versa.

are they still close friends?
if so, you’re always going to be insecure so the relationship will breakdown sooner or later and unfortunately you’ll be the one who will get hurt. Get rid of him, you deserve better.

Artycrafts · 09/07/2023 08:50

Eve171 · 09/07/2023 08:47

Well OP was right not to trust him, so what an odd comment.

Show quote history

Yes, I was thinking that.

MissingMoominMamma · 09/07/2023 08:55

He’s a creep. If he was really unhappy with you, he wouldn’t be with you. He’s using his complaints about you, to get her to be sexual with him.

If you stay together, this will happen throughout your relationship, if not with her, with others. He has no boundaries or moral compass.

Rip that plaster off. You deserve better.

sodthesodoff · 09/07/2023 09:01

So two years into your relationship he was texting women asking them for nudes. Slagging you off to them.

I'm sorry your worst fears have been confirmed.

I guess you're confused as it was a few years ago that maybe you should be fine with it

But for me, if they're deal breakers they're deal breakers. And ultimately he lied to you

What kind of shit bag texts women pestering them for nudes two years into a relationship with you?

Your intuition was right. I'm sorry you've wasted seven years. But don't waste any more.

Screamingabdabz · 09/07/2023 09:04

The thing that would bother me most is he obviously didn’t have much respect for you 5 years ago and didn’t find you ‘sexual attractive’ but nevertheless has continued to stay and presumably have sex with you, all the while keeping his options open. I assume this other girl rejected him? You both should as he sounds an absolute loser.

xyz111 · 09/07/2023 09:29

What are the current texts like? Not saying it matters but I'm interested now

Summer2424 · 09/07/2023 09:41

Hi @101nothere i wouldn't bring it up, it was a long time ago, i would just think he chose you, that's huge.
Just continue your good relationship and always remember he chose you ❤

BathroomOnTheRight · 09/07/2023 09:53

AngelAurora · 09/07/2023 06:18

Yes it's too late, you reap what you sow. Stop looking through his stuff, it's embarrassing that after 7 years you still do not trust him.

@AngelAurora What a nasty piece of work you are! DFOD with your victim-blaming. You're probably a man. Women have an instinct for a reason and she was RIGHT to not trust him.

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 09/07/2023 09:55

Summer2424 · 09/07/2023 09:41

Hi @101nothere i wouldn't bring it up, it was a long time ago, i would just think he chose you, that's huge.
Just continue your good relationship and always remember he chose you ❤

It's not a good relationship if he's texting other women asking for nudes though is it?

BathroomOnTheRight · 09/07/2023 09:57

OP I definitely would bring it up, I would take photos of the messages first.
He asked her for nukes. Deal-breaker.
He said he didn't find you attractive. Deal-breaker.

The fact he said that when your relationship was new, when it was still meant to be in the honeymoon stage, is bad enough. But it suggests he stayed with you just because he had no one else. No woman deserves to be treated like this. Further, it's 7 years and he hasn't bothered to commit to you, you're not married or even engaged after all this time, so the relationship is going nowhere anyway. And how could you marry him now, knowing he isn't even attracted to you?

Take photos of all the messages as proof, then confront him and leave him. You deserve so much better than being last choice.

Susieb2023 · 09/07/2023 09:58

Summer2424 · 09/07/2023 09:41

Hi @101nothere i wouldn't bring it up, it was a long time ago, i would just think he chose you, that's huge.
Just continue your good relationship and always remember he chose you ❤

I’d rather not be ‘chosen’ by a creep who asks for nudes from another woman and tells her he’s not sexually attracted to me.

I’d rather ‘choose’ something better for myself!

BathroomOnTheRight · 09/07/2023 09:58

Summer2424 · 09/07/2023 09:41

Hi @101nothere i wouldn't bring it up, it was a long time ago, i would just think he chose you, that's huge.
Just continue your good relationship and always remember he chose you ❤

@Summer2424 What the absolute f??? He DIDN'T choose her, that's the point. He settled for her as last choice. He said he didn't even like her. Did you not read the OP? Their relationship is not good, it's terrible.

GoodChat · 09/07/2023 09:59

Summer2424 · 09/07/2023 09:41

Hi @101nothere i wouldn't bring it up, it was a long time ago, i would just think he chose you, that's huge.
Just continue your good relationship and always remember he chose you ❤

Did he choose her, though, or did he settle?

BathroomOnTheRight · 09/07/2023 10:00

Just noticed I said He asked her for nukes. Deal-breaker.

That should be nudes, obviously. Though I bet OP wished she had nukes, to use on the arsehole.

PaigeMatthews · 09/07/2023 10:00

I mean, he kept those messages five years so he could read back over them.

leave him.