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Original poster

Am I the monster ?

30 replies

singlemumhelp · 08/07/2023 20:39

So my partner and me don't live together, financially cannot afford to and I like the stability of my own house after my exes. His income
Is too high for us to get UC on top of my wages, I only earn £900 a month. Plus cb and maintamve wouldn't be enough to survive on as we would have to evenly split bills in his house if we moved there as that what he expects. He has his own kids to pay for so he couldn't subside the £2100 I would lose from UC. Plus my son needs his own room and he couldn't have that at my partners as although his kids aren't staying he expects them to have their own rooms still so mine share staying at his.
We stay at each others house a couple nights a week. He works usually Tuesday-Saturday doing about 58 hours.
Every other weekend I don't have my kids so I stay at his and we have Friday nights together as he finishes early. His kids are due to come tomorrow however they aren't this week due to something with their mum. Am I the monster for being happy and trying to make us plans now for tomorrow. Apparently I should be more upset etc. it's my weekend with no kids, my youngest is on the ASD spectrum so it's tough. And battling my own step parent issues with my eldests dad. How can o explain that it's sometimes nice if we get the extra spontaneous day together if they can't come where he doesn't have work.
We have the odd weekend away together but the Sunday we always leave at 7am to be back for
When his kids are dropped off. So we get less than 48 hours.
He will not come on holiday with me and my kids as he cannot take his, and also because he expects us to only do 6 days so he's back for the Sunday but for my kids that isn't long enough. I then get complained at because o get money to top up my income and he believes I shouldn't be able to afford holidays abroad with my total
Income.

I love his kids I do, but when they are here he is such a different person, his rules and things with his kids are more exetemee whereas when they are with their mum she parents the same as I do which is good as we do get on. When I have my kids etc it's easier as we all just work together but some weekends it's just nice to have the Sunday. He could also have them duen the week and pick them up from school for dinner Mondays. His ex has said to me she wants him to but he won't as he says she'll say no. Likes to play the victim.

I don't drink when I have my kids, he likes to drink and last few weeks has got stroppy because he doesn't have his kids durn the week doesn't understand why we can't drink or have fun when he has no responsibilities and I do. I will happily drink and get stupid when they are at their dads every other weekend but he's not happy with this because he has responsibilities of work the Saturday and his kids on the Sunday.

I don't really know what I am expecting just some reassurance that it's ok to sometimes feel
Selfish.

OP posts:
peekaboob · 08/07/2023 20:47

I don't think you're compatible, personally I'd cut loses.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/07/2023 20:58

I then get complained at because o get money to top up my income and he believes I shouldn't be able to afford holidays abroad with my total
Income.

What the fuck?

Original poster
singlemumhelp · 08/07/2023 21:05

@AnneLovesGilbert I have always worked myself 60 hour weeks. My youngest dad left and as he was the stay at home dad I had to re evaluate my job. I now work on a school. But my partner believes that because I get benefit too ups it should be enough to get by and not book holidays abroad because people
Like him who work all these hours get nothing and can't afford to do big extravegrmg things. I'm thinking it's just jealousy because I can do it with my kids and he can't take his. Also it's because he knows his ex would get the same
Roughly minus the DLA so when she's begging for money he believes she shouldn't need it

OP posts:
RedRobyn2021 · 08/07/2023 21:10

Tbh OP I'd chuck him in the bin

Sounds like your life would be better without him

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/07/2023 21:11

But why can’t he take his?

You don’t have to justify yourself to anyone and if he cares about you he should be happy for you. I can’t afford to go on holiday abroad and haven’t for years but I’m not shitty about people who can. Good for you!

I don’t like anything you say about him because he sounds hard work and like a bit of a bully. You’re not being selfish and you’re right that even if you were it’s not a bad thing!

Does he make you happy? Feel appreciated, admired, content, cherished, like part of a team that’s pulling in the same direction? That’s what a partner is supposed to do.

Hawkins0001 · 08/07/2023 21:13

@singlemumhelp
So he basically thinks cause he can't do x then he sees it unfair that you can do x with different things ?

Crikeyisthatthetime · 08/07/2023 21:25

So. He doesn't like that you can drink when he needs to stay sober. And he doesn't like when he can drink but YOU need to stay sober. He isn't keen on the way the way the childcare splits but he won't change it. He doesn't want you to get financial help because he doesn't think his ex deserves any. Grim.
He doesn't like women much does he. What are his good points?

Devonshiregal · 08/07/2023 21:26

Wow. That made my head spin. Does this life with him actually make you happy? Does he make you feel safe and secure and laugh? Cos it sounds like a bloody nightmare with a man who’s a bit of a pig. Is his ex wife hot? cos she sounds much more fun.

FictionalCharacter · 08/07/2023 21:33

He will not come on holiday with me and my kids as he cannot take his
That’s not good is it? Have you posted about this before? There’s definitely been a thread about someone who was saying it’s not fair for OP, her kids and partner to go on holiday if his kids couldn’t come. Have you also posted before about your kids having to share a room at his place?

he believes I shouldn't be able to afford holidays abroad with my total Income.
That’s really not good. What you spend your money on is your business. I can’t stand people who think that anyone who receives benefits should just be able to scrape by.

He doesn’t sound very nice, and with your different views and the fact that he’s an arse the two of you don’t sound compatible.

Original poster
singlemumhelp · 08/07/2023 21:41

@AnneLovesGilbert
He genuinely does though, when it's just the two of us we have the most amazing time and weekends. He has been really good with thungs with the kids and helping out with routines and the meltdowns. It's just some of his opinions are very opionated. I have made us plans tomorro as we haven't got his kids now and he just feels I am being disrespectful xx

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 08/07/2023 21:54

How is it disrespectful? Are you supposed to do nothing as he can’t have his kids now? I’d be ending things, he sounds bonkers

Jongleterre · 08/07/2023 22:01

He's rigid and uncompromising.

Show him the door.

Original poster
singlemumhelp · 08/07/2023 22:05

Yes I have posted before with it about holidays.

I do feel horrid that I at times feel selfish I just want extra time with him. He can't have his kids so why shouldn't we go out tomorrrow.

I get he's hates that I can only drink when I have no responsibilities but he knew I have kids and he knows my ex has also said if he finds out I have even a cider around him he will take him away. Although they do and that's another story.

I get is frustrating I get money to help but I paid taxes for so long and it's only while I need the help I will claim

OP posts:
Alargeoneplease89 · 08/07/2023 22:12

Tbh I would get rid if you are having doubts before UC know he's staying at yours X nights a week, my friend had an investigation and they cut her off and classed it as a relationship and included his income even though they didn't live together.

toochesterdraws · 08/07/2023 22:13

He is quite hard to please, isn't he? He also appears to have a contempt towards those on benefits. That includes you.

Are you quite sure you want to be in a relationship with someone like that?

FictionalCharacter · 08/07/2023 22:29

singlemumhelp · 08/07/2023 22:05

Yes I have posted before with it about holidays.

I do feel horrid that I at times feel selfish I just want extra time with him. He can't have his kids so why shouldn't we go out tomorrrow.

I get he's hates that I can only drink when I have no responsibilities but he knew I have kids and he knows my ex has also said if he finds out I have even a cider around him he will take him away. Although they do and that's another story.

I get is frustrating I get money to help but I paid taxes for so long and it's only while I need the help I will claim

That isn’t what selfishness is. You’re not the selfish one in his scenario.
You say things are great with him when it’s just the two of you, but most of the time it isn’t just the two of you. You’re not a childfree couple.
And tomorrow you don’t have his kids after all, yet he doesn’t want to do anything as a couple as some kind of mark of respect, like you’re in mourning or something. So on a day when it’s just the two of you - one of the times he’s normally actually nice - he’s spoiling it.
He’s rather horrible and very strange. Yet you seem to be content to put up with him because he’s ok some of the time. Even so, you know deep down this is not a good happy relationship (for your kids as well as you), that much is clear from your posts where you’re trying to make sense of how he is.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/07/2023 22:36

Sounds to me as if he wants you to dance to his tune and his tune only. Only drink/not drink when it's OK with him. No holidays because he can't afford it. Stop the benefits you are legally entitled to in order to keep him happy because he resents his ex getting benefits she is legally entitled to. Go into State Mourning if his access gets messed up. Yeah, that speaks of a control freak to me.

You say "when it's just the two of us we have the most amazing time and weekends". The thing is it's NOT just the two of you is it? All of your relationship you will be dealing with either his kids, your kids, or both sets of kids. You can't just look at one facet of a relationship and say 'Oh this is wonderful', you must look at both of your lives in their totality. And it sounds to me as if your lives are not compatible, even if on the surface of things the two of you are. One or both of you, and/or one set of kids or both sets of kids, are going to be shortchanged because he is so inflexible selfish. And in the long run you are going to be unhappy because you're going to have to bend to his 'needs' to keep him happy.

Is that really the way you want to live, just for the sake of a handful of days a month? Days in which you probably have to listen to him complaining about you and your finances and his terrible ex-wife? I'd rather be alone on my sofa with a glass of wine, a bowl of popcorn, and Tom Hardy on video. Or maybe Aidan Turner. The list is endless.

Original poster
singlemumhelp · 09/07/2023 08:09

@Alargeoneplease89 I spoke with UC as I asked. He stays 1-2 nights at mine and I'll stay at his 1-2 nights. We both have our own rent agreements and bills and he doesn't financially contribute to my home so it's fine x

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 09/07/2023 10:04

It doesn't sound like you're compatible. You both want to prioritise your own children. You sound annoyed he won't come away with you and your children on holiday - but it's understandable that he wants to go with his own children rather than yours.

You get lots of financial support from UC. £2100 is like a £28,000 salary after tax which is loads on top of your £900/month. I'm baffled by threads on here where people claim poverty when they are on UC.

I don't see why he would want to move in as he would have to make up this shortfall which would cost him a fortune & presumably leave him with less money to look after his own children.

Original poster
singlemumhelp · 09/07/2023 15:20

@converseandjeans part of the UC is my sons disabled child element. I am lucky enough that I haven't got lots of debts and I am good with money and budgeting so I can afford things for my kids like holidays. I understand he feels like I get too much but why because I get benefit too ups should I be denied.

We both want to prioritise our kids yes and I'm
Not saying it's a bad thing, I am annoyed he won't come on holiday with us when we do things like Butlins in this country and it doesn't coincide with times he has his children. Bwcquse my kids do adore him and want him to go, just as I do many days out with his kids on a Sunday without my children that I enjoy because I can't do those types with my children. I just felt disappointed today that we couldn't go out and have some fun when he didn't have them for once x

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 09/07/2023 18:05

@singlemumhelp

part of the UC is my sons disabled child element

Fair enough. Must be a challenge. I think while kids are young it's understandable that your partner won't do family Butlins type hols without his own kids. Just wait until they're older. Does he go away with his kids? Can't you take them together?

Crikeyisthatthetime · 09/07/2023 18:53

I give up. You wouldn't see the red flag with this one if he put it on the end of a stick and poked you with it.
You have every right to be disappointed because you COULD go out, but he WOULDN'T. He doesn't see you or your children as important as him and his children. I have no idea why you accept this for you and your children. Please, OP think long and hard.

Zarataralara · 09/07/2023 19:02

Do you really want your life to be this much hard work?
He’s deciding you shouldn’t have a holiday with your own children.
He thinks you should feel unhappy because his kids can’t stay on their designated weekend? He wants to decide how you feel.
Too many red flags for me. I’d dump him.

Original poster
singlemumhelp · 09/07/2023 19:13

@converseandjeans

I would love us all to go. His kids mum isn't very cooperative and will cancel when we are due to go and say the kids are ill or make up excuses. We have wasted money before.

Our situation is harder than I have been in before because we don't live together. Perhaps I am expecting too much in wantint bim to come on holiday. I go with my kids anyways, but just get a lecture about how much it costs when I claim benefits and shouldn't be allowed expensive holidays. X

OP posts:
Whattodo112222 · 09/07/2023 19:24

Do you work part-time also OP?

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