Has anyone dealt with a partner or DH who goes into an almighty sulk when, god forbid, their home life means they cannot make an occasion with their friends or can’t fully partake? One who turns it around on you to make out you’re purposely trying to stop them?
Late last year, I was heavily pregnant and suffering with PGP. I could barely walk on a day DH was scheduled to go out drinking and asked him to please stay at home to help look after our then 2 YO. He insinuated I was making it up to stop him going, spent ages stomping around the house saying his head had gone and at one point bellowed so loud he made our DS cry. He then ended up going anyway and ignored me all night asking him to please come home to help or at least compromise and come home slightly earlier than planned due to the pain.
Throughout our time together, DH has gone on ‘lad’ holidays abroad and the many nights out/meeting for coffees etc, so he is not a deprived person by any means. Out of his friends, only 2 others have children and both only have 1, whereas we now have 2 (5 month old DD).
DD has been extremely difficult since birth, CMPA/reflux which showed up as constant screaming for hours on end, day after day which nearly broke me. Shouldering constant appointments and trying to log her symptoms to get anything done as well as having a pulmonary embolism a few weeks after birth. The constant crying seems to have done something to me where when she cries for any period of time, I go into complete freeze and panic mode and whilst I can still function to care for her, I’m constantly on edge, terrified she’s going to cry again and get us back to that place. I spend most days crying and thinking there’s no point.
My MH at the moment is awful (waiting for appointments to try and get better) and a couple of days ago, I had an absolute breakdown with it almost. Feeling like a failure of a parent, wondering why I can’t just cope. Trigger points for extra crying are bedtime or having both children together as I get frustrated and guilty splitting my time and worrying their development will be hindered (DS does go to preschool which helps).
Anyway, there have been plans for another lad holiday near the end of the year for a few nights in Benidorm. I’m on SMP so we won’t be having a family holiday this year. I booked DH a place and paid for it because I didn’t think I could deal with the feeling bad if he ‘couldn’t’ go and cheap and cheerful few nights is far less than a family holiday.
They’ve now all decided in their group chat, that they need to have an evening meet up to ‘discuss’ the trip, that isn’t happening until the end of the year. DH gave me a date (a few days time) but no other info and he said it would have to be after bedtime for the children.
Today, group chat has decided a time and place which is at tea/bedtime for the children and 20 mins away.
I told DH okay, if he could help with bedtime first. DH has decided just popping in after helping with bedtime isn’t okay and made a snarky comment that he just won’t go and will cancel, he’s used to it.
I called him out on making a comment and tried to discuss my POV; in return he’s denied it being a snarky comment, told me to piss off in front of DS, shut up multiple times to which he then lied and said I’d told him to so he just repeated it (didn’t happen), told me I’m looking for an argument and that I shouldn’t speak to him if I’m going to try and discuss it. Silent treatment for a good while after. He also told me to, listen to him whilst he’s talking (!) like I was a child. He has shut down any attempts to actually discuss it like adults.
DD is unwell currently and we were only just in hospital yesterday with her terrified she might have meningitis (she’s been discharged and it isn’t, thankfully). That, coupled with my absolute rubbish MH and bedtimes being a difficult time, just means I would really appreciate the support. It’s all very raw at the moment. I haven’t said he can’t go! We don’t have anyone else and I’m facing up that I may have PND for the second time.
Am I really so wrong that I deserve to have rudeness thrown at me for asking him to understand that family is a priority? How do I deal with the ridiculous huffs and making out he’s so hard done to for having a family that means he can’t make every single occasion?
He’s already had a huff this year because he couldn’t go to a stag do in Ireland due to us not having the money, yet that was made out to be me trying to stop him…