Sulky DH

[creativeusername23]

Has anyone dealt with a partner or DH who goes into an almighty sulk when, god forbid, their home life means they cannot make an occasion with their friends or can’t fully partake? One who turns it around on you to make out you’re purposely trying to stop them?

Late last year, I was heavily pregnant and suffering with PGP. I could barely walk on a day DH was scheduled to go out drinking and asked him to please stay at home to help look after our then 2 YO. He insinuated I was making it up to stop him going, spent ages stomping around the house saying his head had gone and at one point bellowed so loud he made our DS cry. He then ended up going anyway and ignored me all night asking him to please come home to help or at least compromise and come home slightly earlier than planned due to the pain.

Throughout our time together, DH has gone on ‘lad’ holidays abroad and the many nights out/meeting for coffees etc, so he is not a deprived person by any means. Out of his friends, only 2 others have children and both only have 1, whereas we now have 2 (5 month old DD).

DD has been extremely difficult since birth, CMPA/reflux which showed up as constant screaming for hours on end, day after day which nearly broke me. Shouldering constant appointments and trying to log her symptoms to get anything done as well as having a pulmonary embolism a few weeks after birth. The constant crying seems to have done something to me where when she cries for any period of time, I go into complete freeze and panic mode and whilst I can still function to care for her, I’m constantly on edge, terrified she’s going to cry again and get us back to that place. I spend most days crying and thinking there’s no point.

My MH at the moment is awful (waiting for appointments to try and get better) and a couple of days ago, I had an absolute breakdown with it almost. Feeling like a failure of a parent, wondering why I can’t just cope. Trigger points for extra crying are bedtime or having both children together as I get frustrated and guilty splitting my time and worrying their development will be hindered (DS does go to preschool which helps).

Anyway, there have been plans for another lad holiday near the end of the year for a few nights in Benidorm. I’m on SMP so we won’t be having a family holiday this year. I booked DH a place and paid for it because I didn’t think I could deal with the feeling bad if he ‘couldn’t’ go and cheap and cheerful few nights is far less than a family holiday.
They’ve now all decided in their group chat, that they need to have an evening meet up to ‘discuss’ the trip, that isn’t happening until the end of the year. DH gave me a date (a few days time) but no other info and he said it would have to be after bedtime for the children.

Today, group chat has decided a time and place which is at tea/bedtime for the children and 20 mins away.
I told DH okay, if he could help with bedtime first. DH has decided just popping in after helping with bedtime isn’t okay and made a snarky comment that he just won’t go and will cancel, he’s used to it.
I called him out on making a comment and tried to discuss my POV; in return he’s denied it being a snarky comment, told me to piss off in front of DS, shut up multiple times to which he then lied and said I’d told him to so he just repeated it (didn’t happen), told me I’m looking for an argument and that I shouldn’t speak to him if I’m going to try and discuss it. Silent treatment for a good while after. He also told me to, listen to him whilst he’s talking (!) like I was a child. He has shut down any attempts to actually discuss it like adults.

DD is unwell currently and we were only just in hospital yesterday with her terrified she might have meningitis (she’s been discharged and it isn’t, thankfully). That, coupled with my absolute rubbish MH and bedtimes being a difficult time, just means I would really appreciate the support. It’s all very raw at the moment. I haven’t said he can’t go! We don’t have anyone else and I’m facing up that I may have PND for the second time.

Am I really so wrong that I deserve to have rudeness thrown at me for asking him to understand that family is a priority? How do I deal with the ridiculous huffs and making out he’s so hard done to for having a family that means he can’t make every single occasion?

He’s already had a huff this year because he couldn’t go to a stag do in Ireland due to us not having the money, yet that was made out to be me trying to stop him…

Leave him. A leopard doesn’t change its spots (not that he even wants to)

I am happily divorced from a man who complained that his first paternity leave wasn’t much fun as we didn’t manage to get out and do much (like meals out etc!) he thought it was a holiday. He regularly worked away and had boys holidays, played a sport at the weekend every weekend and when I was throwing up with a sickness bug refused to take a day off work to look after the children, instead leaving me to cope.

approach the doctors if you feel you have PND, especially if you have previously experienced it. Inform your family of his behaviour to seek support. Tell friends. Speak to the health visitor about how he is behaving and how the crying makes you feel.

bide your time. Regain your health, leave with the kids after returning to work. You will feel so much better without him being abusive to you and the children. You will actually get some respite when he has the kids, but don’t expect too much of that as he sounds the kind who couldn’t possibly give up his social life to have his own children

Thank you all so much for your replies. Sorry I couldn’t get back on until now, I took myself off for some evening food shopping (excitement!) that evening as he just kept talking about how it was his ‘perception’ I’d told him to shut up and that bad things he’d done were just my ‘perception’.
He was just speaking to me like a child and as if he was at work. I told him I wasn’t one of his clients in an interview nor was I a paperwork exercise in making sure you’ve covered your own arse (perception comes into that) and walked away. He told me that’s why he calls me an idiot, because I do things like walk away.

He decided yesterday he would press on with plans to relocate our TV to another wall. He couldn’t seem to stop himself doing it or prioritise the children’s bedtimes so he had to be told to bloody stop and help. Frustrating too as the house needs cleaning before something ad hoc like that.

He’s suggested putting the children to bed earlier for this meal out for him and his friends and came back yesterday asking what time could it work and he go so he still hasn’t given up on the idea. I don’t think his friends are understanding of what it actually takes to have young children either, so they expect him to be readily available and I’m sure they probably think family commitments are just me trying to keep him at home.

I’m having a really shitty day today with DD so she’s still not quite right. She’s refusing to feed, constantly crying and waking up crying from sleep and won’t be put down. The hospital said if she does x number of things, one being not feeding, to take her back. I’ve messaged DH at work (who’s supposed to only be on light, restricted jobs at the moment as part of a plan with his work to support me) as we need to communicate to plan if she needs to go to hospital, who will collect DS.
He’s told me he’s off to custody (which is ages away and could be stuck there hours) and has stopped replying so guessing he hasn’t bothered his arse to communicate the situation to work to try and possibly get a cover or a back up plan.

It all sounds worse wrote down or with people looking in. I guess I’ve accepted that this is my life but you’re quite right when I’m having to pick clothes up off the floor or think for another adult, it’s not great and I’m sick of being painted as a miserable person wanting to keep him at home. I’d love some time to myself or a holiday. My only break in 5 months has been a couple of trips for an hour to get coffee for a work meeting with my boss and an afternoon into the evening for a concert.
DH has never had the two of them alone aside from a couple of hours, where he will just put the TV on to silence DS which I absolutely hate.

Sorry this was so rambly and long - I don’t get to talk to adults much at the moment as you can probably tell!

His job/department is a much more sedate, slow pace, he doesn’t do blue lights anymore

He sounds absolutely horrible, selfish and abusive - There is no point in having a man like that around.

Just been reading through some more messages again whilst DD has a sleep on me and I can’t do anything else.

Is it a normal expectation that groups of lad friends just go off on holidays together when they have families? It’s been put across as a trip as they’re all turning 30 this year/into next. He seems to think it is and has conditioned me into thinking that to have an opinion opposing it is bad and he should be allowed a social life.
When I told him there was nothing he’s ever mentioned he hasn’t attended, he came back with, there’s lots he doesn’t mention because I wouldn’t like it. Not that he has 2 children and limited funds into the household at the moment.
It’s also always, well they’re going, friend an and friend b have a child and they’re going. I need some opinion on that side of things so I can put it to him in discussions as it’s always just me being the bad guy.

He keeps saying in a joking fashion that people keep asking him in conversation if he’s going on holiday this year, to which he thinks he isn’t because of the children / money but then he remembers he is and gets excited. Yes, great.

Not trying to be a martyr but, aside from maybe a night away in this country, I can’t see how my money could be better spent than enjoying the children whilst they’re young. Life permitting, I will be able to enjoy myself again once they’re older.

Im not happy at all in life, never felt so miserable which adds to the guilt as I have 2 beautiful babies who I adore.

Lads' holiday stop when you have kids, it's the grown up, responsible thing to do, particularly when your partner is struggling or the children aren't well. Of what benefit is he to you?

Gosh, did he actually want a wife and family? He's sure not acting like he did.

No, it’s becoming more apparent. 2 hours after I told him I was concerned, he eventually replies and is still ages away from home. He’s said if I was that concerned about her, I’d sort it all myself rather than waiting for him to reply and that I’m exhibiting strange behaviour to be annoyed at him.

You're being abused lovely and you definitely do not deserve it. I doubt he will change in any way. He works in a misogynistic environment and hasn't grown up since becoming a father.

If you're not ready to cut and run, suggest counselling. If he won't do it, get some legal advice. Honestly you'd be happier on your own with the kids. You wouldn't be picking up after him and you wouldn't be getting emotionally abused. You also wouldn't be resentful of his ability to consider your needs or pitch in

We did have lads/girls breaks away, but importantly we both had them. Having 24/48hrs away meant I had more mental space for my children. It also meant that dh had more appreciation of juggling little kids at home alone. I strongly recommend that you arrange something, even just overnight fairly near with a friend and leave him to it. It can really help to refresh you. Ideally before he goes away so he has some appreciation of the sacrifice you are making to let him go away.

He's a selfish, abusive wanker. I've never met you, but I know for a fact you deserve better than this.

Your son deserves better than this for a role model.

Your daughter shouldn't learn her expectations for a future partner from this man.

Get rid.

I'd book myself a 2 day spa break for his next weekend off.

Why should he be the only one who gets a rest?

If he's anything less than exceedingly apologetic for everything he's put you through when you get home, ditch him.

Well, isn’t he a horrible, petulant, inadequate, point-scoring, selfish prick of a man.

ok he’s not a lad- he’s a grown ass man with a wife/partner and kids. That means responsibilities and accountability as a father. A lad is my 20 year old son who is in his final year in Uni and planning an epic holiday with his class mates in Spain.

You are not his mother! I think for you to be happy, things need to change. If you let them continue, your MH will only deteriorate.

Do not take leaving this sorry excuse for a ‘man’ off the table please. He is very abusive and your little boy deserves a better role model- not a waste of space!

Thank you all again.

I’ve accepted things as they are for a long time and thought that was ‘normal’ or perhaps it’s just me. He can’t for example just go and do a ‘social’ activity with his friends, it has to be alcohol related and even then he can’t just have a few drinks, he has to be absolutely drunk. He doesn’t see the point of going out for a while and not doing that. His excuse is he doesn’t do it that often so why can’t he. The last actual night out I had that wasn’t a couple of drinks with him, was 2021.

He gave me the silent treatment and had a massive go at me only a couple of weeks ago because I sorted a deal on a new car for myself. A subject we’d previously discussed as me needing to do, it was a deal only a couple of £ per month more than my old one. I pay for it myself out of my own bank account but apparently he was really angry as it was a marital decision I should’ve waited and spoken to him about for his involvement. He has his own car so it doesn’t impact him in any way.

Things haven’t been pleasant today. He eventually messaged me back re. sick DD (she ended up back in hospital as she was displaying 2 of the signs they told us to bring her back in for). He hadn’t told his work at the start of the day about her current health (I would have just out of courtesy in case I needed to ask to leave to collect DS) but he told me he’d try and get home ASAP.

I thought, as any normal parent would, he’d discuss with work then, see if it was permissible to leave and let me know.
He then disappeared for another hour with me wondering if I should hold on at home for him, desperately trying to get Calpol to bring her temp down and get some milk into her, until he popped up angry at me, saying he’d been driving back. No courtesy message to say he was on his way back. It turned out he still hadn’t even asked them. He eventually turned up and was incredibly rude to me, inferring I can’t care for DD.

Had another argument tonight where basically I’m the bad one, going out drinking etc is normal and it‘s only me who doesn’t think so. Everything my fault essentially.
Sorry - I’m rambling - aware I have bigger problems than today.

Essentially I’m feeling really rubbish but also that he’s incredibly unattractive and for me, usually when that happens, I can’t come back. He will say all of these things then pop up being extra nice to me like nothing had happened. No accountability or apology. He was asking to run me a bath tonight (before the next argument).
I think I would be in a better position once I’m back at work but I wouldn’t know where to start and could cry at the idea of not seeing the children all the time.

@creativeusername23 have you got family you can visit for a while?
I have a dd, 30, with a baby, I’d be heartbroken if her life was like yours and she didn’t tell me.
You don’t have to put up with this abuse.

I would urge you to contact Womens Aid as well as quietly starting to plan your exit from your (and in turn your kids) abuser.

What you are now seeing from him is the "nice" part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

The red flags are many re this individual and the only good to have come out of your union are your kids.

The silent treatment you've received from him also is an example of emotional abuse.

Do not ever undertake any form of joint counselling with this man; its never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Abuse also is not a relationship problem, abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute here over both you and your kids. This is why he was so pissed off at you for organising your own deal on a car. Such men hate women OP, and ALL of them too.

See a solicitor, fill out the divorce forms, plan on all the ways you and your kids lives will be peaceful, pleasant and non abusive without this piece of shit in the house.

Your marriage is doomed because your husband is an abusive, narcissistic shitbag of a man.

Start making plans to leave him, and do so as soon as possible. Start literally right now. The sooner you get away from him the better,and don't worry about not seeing your kids all the time. Men like your husband can't be bothered with seeing their kids after a divorce. He'll see them EOW, if that.

I have been happily married for 26+ years, and I am telling you that there is no hope for your marriage. My husband has never once treated me the way your husband treats you, and yours treats you like this on a regular basis. He has contempt for you, and that is an absolute deal breaker.

@creativeusername23 - I would urge you to read the posts by JamaisJadore about her situation with a sulky husband. I realise that she is in France and the probability that you are too is quite slim. Anyway, the way that your husband is going on is very reminiscent of hers.

I would urge you to start getting your paperwork together, your children's documents too, and reach out to Women's Aid. They will be able to help and support you when you decide to leave, and leave him I would. You cannot possibly be any worse off than you are and you might actually find that you're better off without his doom and gloom hanging around, and the children will be happier too (and they will see that when things get tough, you don't have to stick around for seconds of what is a miserable existence).

I wish you every good thing while you meander your way through this very difficult situation.

He doesn't care that you're struggling. He doesn't care about his kids. His wants and needs will always come first. All relationships have their problems and there will always need to be compromise but I'm of the belief that if a partner makes your life more difficult than it needs to be then you're better off without them.

He is selfish and abusive. You and your dc deserve better.

If he can't even be bothered to come home when his baby daughter is needing to go to hospital, is he really going to want to actually parent them if you split?

He’s the type of loser that would ‘threaten’ the primary carer with parenting when she dumps him. ‘I’m gonna parent the kids 50/50 if you divorce me!’ 😄 reply ‘about time you stepped up. Sunday-Wednesday afternoon for you sound good? You’ll need to keep on top of their appointments and replacing their clothes etc. on your time. It’ll be nice for me to have free time :)’ he’ll shit himself.
Don’t allow the imagined threats of a deadbeat keep you stuck in your misogynistic sham of a marriage. Plan for a future rid of this deadweight.

Thank you all, it’s really nice to hear some kindness.
I do all of the bits for the DC. With DD since she was born it’s been taking note of all of her symptoms, relaying them to many professionals, frantic googling desperate to try and find out what it was, having meetings or appointments with HV/community nurse who have been really helpful. I don’t think he appreciates how hard or mentally draining that is besides being screamed at by a baby you can’t console, being the only person doing the entire household’s ironing, the constant worry.

Since DS was born and now with DD, I’ve bought the majority of their clothing, toys, books or other items, make sure they’re prepared for the next size up, lay clothes out each day, google their development to make sure I’m doing all I can for them. I look at DS who’s speech and general self is just amazing (slightly biased ha) and when I’m not stuck in this awful, guilty fog at the moment, I think, I haven’t done too badly.

I’ve been really anxious about taking DD out on my own for fear she would have a crying episode like she has been, but I pushed myself today and took her out for the first time alone. It felt lovely.

We have a joint account for the household bills but anything else is in our separate accounts to spend as we wish on ourselves or for other bits we might need for the house/food shopping etc, at his decision.

Last night he was basically saying I mustn’t want him to have a social life and it’s just me who thinks that way about alcohol/holidays etc when you have young children.

Went to sleep on the argument last night but when he woke up this morning he was being extra nice again.

@LookItsMeAgain Thank you, I’m in England but will have a look.