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Original poster

AIBU - intimidating behaviour

41 replies

Permanentlyfrazzled · 08/07/2023 18:53

Intimidating behaviour...am I overreacting?

A bit of background...married nearly ten years.

DH is a placid man 99% of the time, but when it comes to conflict it's like he's a different person. Mostly he just becomes really defensive and angry, and he just has to leave the room. This I can deal with although obviously I find it hard.

But occasionally he loses his temper and to be honest it scares me sometimes. He's never laid a finger on me, but a few times I honestly wondered if he was close.

DOI I grew up in an unstable home with abuse, and recognise that I'm probably easily triggered as a consequence. But equally I worry I'm not able to spot patterns because I grew up with aggression being 'normal'. So I'm asking Mumsnet.

An example, last week we got into an argument as I was 'oversleeping'. My husband standing over the bed was shouting at me to wake up. When I came downstairs he was pacing, red faced, vein in his forward going. Clenching his fists.

I froze. I didn't help the situation, as I said I wanted him to calm down before I got in the car with him. I know I wound him up. But truth be told there was no way I was getting in rest car.

I could see him trying not to explode, he was like a wound up toy ready to pop, he kept shouting and shouting getting more and more hostile. Honestly I was scared of him. It ended with him slamming his fist down on the table and starting towards - I ran upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom. He left the house. My heart rate took a long time to come down.

We haven't really spoken since and it's been days. My husband struggles to apologise on a good day. But did text me several days later and said apologised for raising his voice. I told him he made me feel unsafe especially when he slammed his fist down. He said it didn't happen and he was just picking up his keys. He asked what I 'interpreted' as intimidating so he didn't do it again. I am really disappointed that he can't see what he's done wrong or how he comes across to me.

This happens very rarely. We did go through a very stormy patch when our youngest was born when it was literally like living with a different person. He was angry all the time. Again, never anything physical. He was clinically depressed at the time and I tried to support him. But it's taken a lot of time and therapy for me to get us back on track and learn to trust him again. We've only just got our sex life back and these last few months it finally felt like our marriage was on solid footing.

I feel that has put us right back. I don't want to be in the same room as him and feel on edge. I don't want him touching me. Am I just triggered and massively overreacting?

He is a great Dad and a kind man 99% of the time. I am far from perfect and can be a real pain in the arse.

But I really feel he was intimidating and it scared me and he can't see it. AIBU?

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 08/07/2023 20:03

He is not a great dad and he is not a kind man.
He is an abusive bully.
I would contact women's aid.
Do you work/are you financially independent?

Original poster
Permanentlyfrazzled · 08/07/2023 20:09

ZekeZeke · 08/07/2023 20:03

He is not a great dad and he is not a kind man.
He is an abusive bully.
I would contact women's aid.
Do you work/are you financially independent?

Thank you for replying 🙏 yes I work full time. I'm actually the breadwinner. I don't think he likes that very much. It's so hard because it feels like he hasn't actually done anything...I worry it's just me getting overly triggered and interpreting everything as a threat when it isn't. But the point is he made me scared to the point where we are literally in separate rooms and he can't see that. I might take up your suggestion of women's aid, I think I need some perspective/a realistic talking to.

OP posts:
WhoWants2Know · 08/07/2023 20:18

Why is he shouting at you to wake you up?

HorribleNecktie · 08/07/2023 20:20

You should it be afraid of your spouse ever. Leave him.

Original poster
Permanentlyfrazzled · 08/07/2023 20:22

WhoWants2Know · 08/07/2023 20:18

Why is he shouting at you to wake you up?

Thank you for replying 🙏 I stressed him out as he was worried we were going to be late for something. But we had plenty of time, he woke me before my alarm.

OP posts:
Original poster
Permanentlyfrazzled · 08/07/2023 20:23

HorribleNecktie · 08/07/2023 20:20

You should it be afraid of your spouse ever. Leave him.

Thank you 🙏 I think I'm just struggling to understand whether I'm afraid of him because of him and this behaviour is unacceptable - or whether the way he looks when he is angry is making me overreact because of my childhood.

OP posts:
WhoWants2Know · 08/07/2023 20:28

Ok, you need to consider that statement.

You stressed him out?

You were sleeping with an alarm set to give you time to get ready.

The fact that he got stressed is his own problem. He decided not to trust your judgment as to how long you needed, and enforced his judgement as to when you should get up.

The situation was already not ok by the time you went downstairs.

Original poster
Permanentlyfrazzled · 08/07/2023 20:32

WhoWants2Know · 08/07/2023 20:28

Ok, you need to consider that statement.

You stressed him out?

You were sleeping with an alarm set to give you time to get ready.

The fact that he got stressed is his own problem. He decided not to trust your judgment as to how long you needed, and enforced his judgement as to when you should get up.

The situation was already not ok by the time you went downstairs.

Thank you. That's how I felt as well. I was already upset by the time I got downstairs. I don't think as it definitely escalated things when I said I wasn't getting in the car until he calmed down...

OP posts:
tarnishedsilvercolour · 08/07/2023 20:55

Oh gosh OP, this sounds awful. Even if you had overslept and needed to be woken up, a normal person would have given you a gentle poke, not stand over your bed yelling at you. That's a really strange thing to do and shows this is a man who not only gets himself into a rage over absolutely nothing but also winds himself up and up and up. That's a very serious anger problem and the fact that you locked yourself in the bathroom shows that deep down you believe he is capable of hurting you.

It's honestly no way to live! Even if it's ok 99% of the time, living on tenterhooks waiting for the 1% to kick off is awful. I think you should definitely talk to WA and get their advice.

Original poster
Permanentlyfrazzled · 08/07/2023 20:57

tarnishedsilvercolour · 08/07/2023 20:55

Oh gosh OP, this sounds awful. Even if you had overslept and needed to be woken up, a normal person would have given you a gentle poke, not stand over your bed yelling at you. That's a really strange thing to do and shows this is a man who not only gets himself into a rage over absolutely nothing but also winds himself up and up and up. That's a very serious anger problem and the fact that you locked yourself in the bathroom shows that deep down you believe he is capable of hurting you.

It's honestly no way to live! Even if it's ok 99% of the time, living on tenterhooks waiting for the 1% to kick off is awful. I think you should definitely talk to WA and get their advice.

Thank you 🙏 It's so helpful to hear the perspective people outside the situation. It's clearly not normal and I need to listen to my gut. I'll contact WA and get their advice.

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 08/07/2023 23:25

You did the right thing not getting in the car with that angry man.

Why the hell is he standing over you when you're sleeping to wake you up?

He sounds utterly deranged.

You say he's ok 99% of the time. It's only takes 1% of the time to injure or kill you.

I mean I never behave like he does 1% of the time. Do you?

Just because it's 1% doesn't mean it's ok. Ever.

He's nasty. He's abusive. He's horrendous. Get out.

FictionalCharacter · 09/07/2023 00:24

Oh my god, he's terrifying. An aggressive angry bully. And you're trying to blame yourself! I stressed him out. I escalated things. You did not. His behaviour is on him.
Please see a professional as soon as possible, tell them what happened and I'm certain they won't tell you that you "overreacted". He's dangerous.

greenthumb13 · 09/07/2023 00:32

You could speak to him about anger management but this is not normal and it's not your fault. He knows it's wrong and won't apologise. Not a good situation and not good for your child to see.

Geppili · 09/07/2023 00:54

This sounds horribly abusive and frightening. I would take this very seriously.

Geppili · 09/07/2023 01:00

Read up about DARVO. Its an acronym to describe how abusers behave after an episode. They Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender. He has just splendidly illustrated the Deny phase by lying about not thumping the table with his fist. Its pathetic and horrible behaviour and just because it only happens 1 percent of the time doesn't make it an less damaging or deadly.

LadyLardy · 09/07/2023 01:05

I grew up in a very happy home with a father who was kind and who told us he loved us every day. I tell you this because it feels like you think your background might be the reason you get upset by events like these.

your DHs behaviour would terrify me and I'm NOT easily triggered. He's incredibly abusive and unreasonable. Please get out.

bamboonights · 10/07/2023 07:43

I'm just speaking from personal experience but I have been unfortunate enough to have been through this twice. Divorced the first and now separated from second. The '99%' of the good times eventually became overpowered by the anger explosions and ended with me having severe anxiety. These men rarely change and often with age get worse. My children have never really witnessed the anger as both only did it when they weren't around, which to me confirmed it was actually something they COULD control. The first never apologised, ever. Second said sorry repeatedly, but sorry doesn't mean anything when the behaviour continues. I'm so much happier alone and will never live with a man ever, ever again. Good luck moving forward, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

bamboonights · 10/07/2023 07:46

DARVO as mentioned in an earlier post was EXACTLY how my first husband behaved.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/07/2023 07:51

I think waking you up like he did is a really nasty nasty thing to do. Do you’d already lost me with the “he’s kind and lovely” by that point op.

RachelTopliss · 10/07/2023 07:56

Permanentlyfrazzled · 08/07/2023 20:22

Thank you for replying 🙏 I stressed him out as he was worried we were going to be late for something. But we had plenty of time, he woke me before my alarm.

Show quote history

No he got stressed all on his own. You're probably oversleeping because you're emotionally knackered.

Autumntimeagain · 10/07/2023 08:33

Agree 100% that nothing you did 'wound him up', he did that all on his own, while you were bloody sleeping ffs !

HE decided that you should be up and getting ready because HE wanted that to be happening.

So HE decided to stand over his sleeping wife, and start shouting and screaming at you !

Then HE decided to get even angrier when you had the good sense to refuse to get into the car with him still furious !

Then HE decided to gaslight you about what happened by lying and saying you 'wrongly' interpreted him simply picking up his keys as banging his fist on the table.

You are NOT responsible for his anger. Not for him getting 'angry' in the first place, and not for him increasing his anger at you because you 'refused' to get in the car !

It's HIS fucking issue 100%. And it IS abuse ! Which he CHOOSES to do to you !

None of it is under your control, but it is under his control, after all, he wouldn't do that if you had a guest or if someone else was there, would he ?
He doesn't 'lose his shit' at his boss or colleagues, does he ? NO. But he's quite fucking happy to do that to you. the one he's supposed to actually love ?

If he really 'couldn't help it', this would be happening every, single,🤔 time anyone 'pissed him off', wouldn't it ?

tribpot · 10/07/2023 09:15

I didn't help the situation, as I said I wanted him to calm down before I got in the car with him

That was a perfectly logical, acceptable and understandable response. Getting in the car with him would have been dangerous - for you and your children.

The fact that you can even think that you 'stressed him out' by being asleep before your alarm shows how bad this has got.

MaryJanesonabreak · 10/07/2023 09:18

You didn’t oversleep as your alarm hadn’t gone off yet.

The rest is all his own bullshit.

You sound very reasonable. Except that your children are learning that this is how men behave, so probs best to get them away from him.

Whiskeypowers · 10/07/2023 09:27

Honestly the only post you really needs to commit to memory and act upon is the first one @ZekeZeke wrote. He is all of that. He is not a good father or husband. Good fathers and husbands do not behave in such a manner.

you are absolutely being abused and the only way out of this is to leave. One day his anger will spill over into physical violence towards you directly and he will absolutely “ lay a finger on you” And another day. And another day until he either hospitalises you or kills you.

please call women’s aid and get signposted to a local domestic abuse support service. You need to act to keep yourself and your children safe from this tyrant