AIBU - intimidating behaviour

[Permanentlyfrazzled]

Intimidating behaviour...am I overreacting?

A bit of background...married nearly ten years.

DH is a placid man 99% of the time, but when it comes to conflict it's like he's a different person. Mostly he just becomes really defensive and angry, and he just has to leave the room. This I can deal with although obviously I find it hard.

But occasionally he loses his temper and to be honest it scares me sometimes. He's never laid a finger on me, but a few times I honestly wondered if he was close.

DOI I grew up in an unstable home with abuse, and recognise that I'm probably easily triggered as a consequence. But equally I worry I'm not able to spot patterns because I grew up with aggression being 'normal'. So I'm asking Mumsnet.

An example, last week we got into an argument as I was 'oversleeping'. My husband standing over the bed was shouting at me to wake up. When I came downstairs he was pacing, red faced, vein in his forward going. Clenching his fists.

I froze. I didn't help the situation, as I said I wanted him to calm down before I got in the car with him. I know I wound him up. But truth be told there was no way I was getting in rest car.

I could see him trying not to explode, he was like a wound up toy ready to pop, he kept shouting and shouting getting more and more hostile. Honestly I was scared of him. It ended with him slamming his fist down on the table and starting towards - I ran upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom. He left the house. My heart rate took a long time to come down.

We haven't really spoken since and it's been days. My husband struggles to apologise on a good day. But did text me several days later and said apologised for raising his voice. I told him he made me feel unsafe especially when he slammed his fist down. He said it didn't happen and he was just picking up his keys. He asked what I 'interpreted' as intimidating so he didn't do it again. I am really disappointed that he can't see what he's done wrong or how he comes across to me.

This happens very rarely. We did go through a very stormy patch when our youngest was born when it was literally like living with a different person. He was angry all the time. Again, never anything physical. He was clinically depressed at the time and I tried to support him. But it's taken a lot of time and therapy for me to get us back on track and learn to trust him again. We've only just got our sex life back and these last few months it finally felt like our marriage was on solid footing.

I feel that has put us right back. I don't want to be in the same room as him and feel on edge. I don't want him touching me. Am I just triggered and massively overreacting?

He is a great Dad and a kind man 99% of the time. I am far from perfect and can be a real pain in the arse.

But I really feel he was intimidating and it scared me and he can't see it. AIBU?

@Permanentlyfrazzled you did absolutely nothing wrong but even if you had, you would not deserve to be intimidated in your own home and then gaslit by the person who is supposed to love you above all others.

He is NOT a good person. He is CHOOSING to over react to scare you because he knows it controls you. He feels big and powerful making you cower.

He us 100% an abusive bully and you'd be within reason to report him to Police on 101. He is using intimidation to control you and that is domestic abuse.

Please don't let him get away with it. Get yourself safe and tell everyone what he is doing. Don't hide his aggression any more.

WOW! This is such a huge over-reaction from him and would be a 100% dealbreaker from me. I'd expect my partner to give me a gentle shake if I overslept. To be honest he'd bring me a coffee to wake me up and then sit with me for a chat (I sleep longer than him in the morning so this does happen now and then). I get a hug, a cuppa and a gentle wake-up.

You are massively under-reacting I think as your perspective of normal is totally off. This is NOT normal. It is aggressive, threatening, bullying and a huge risk for future violence. LEAVE NOW!

He is an abusive bully and there is a risk he will start on your DC. You are the breadwinner. If he is a SAHP, look into changing this as if/when you leave he could argue that he is the primary carer and become Resident Parent.
Good Luck.

Thank you, I needed to hear this

So sorry you had to go through, it sounds horrendous xx

I don't know how many other women read the OP and get a raised heart rate, a little shake maybe, a feeling of panic. Because I do, having been raised with an abusive brother. So I know you probably do worry you're overreacting because of your history.

You've told him how it affects you, you've asked him not to. If he still is, it's because he wants to, he likes it, he gets what he wants doing it. Not OK. And likely to escalate.

Thank you everyone for their posts. It's helped me realise how abnormal this behaviour really is. It's been a week now and we've barely said a word. DH keeps asking me if I 'want to talk' and when I'll be ready to talk.

It's very clear he has no insight into his behaviour. This evening he came to the door of the bedroom and "apologised"...but the apology was "I'm sorry you feel that way...I'm sorry you've had a fight or flight". He's honestly so controlled and emotionless that it's making me wonder why I didn't see it before. He is not a husband who is devastated for showing aggression to his wife. And even if he was I don't think I can, or should, forgive him this time.

My head is a mess but this thread has really helped me gain perspective and reach out for professional help, so thank you. Any further replies very much appreciated 🙏

Bit late to the post on this one, but just came to say, you weren't overly triggered, you're NOT being unreasonable, the truth is he made you feel intimidated and scared, the fact that you have a history of abuse goes in your favour here as you recognise it for what it is, It's a strength not a weakness.

The fact that you have that history though is even greater reason for him not behaving this way to you, it's despicable, if he gets angry easily and really can't control his temper he should storm out and apologise later, not go apeshit and then gaslight you into thinking he didn't act threatening to you when he clearly did, I honestly don't think I could ever feel the same way about my DH if he did something like this over something so mundane as a lie in, it certainly isn't normal.

Abusive men are all lovely and charming SOME of the time, that's how they trap you, convince you to stay, and convince everyone outside the relationship that they're a good guy.

Your home is the place where you should feel safest. That he denies this all is gaslighting and worrying. Please contact women's aid for advice- if you choose to leave him you should make a plan to do this safely with them. X

I was scared just reading your post.

But one thing that I caught from your first post when you said he was angry all the time when your youngest was born, you said
“But it's taken a lot of time and therapy for me to get us back on track and learn to trust him again.”
Are you saying that YOU had therapy to get you both back on track - but did he have any therapy for his behaviour?

The other thing is you maybe worried about family/friends not believing you- just tell them he has changed how he is with you and became aggressive and unkind. They will 100% support you escaping x

Thank you for this. Sadly I tried to talk to my closest family member back when our little one was born and things were really bad. He held up a hand and said "if you're about to say what I think you're about to say, then don't. You can't take it back once it's out there." Haven't tried again since. My family loved him, because of how he is 99% of the time. They've never seen the other side of him.

He told me he did see a counsellor eventually, but yes the ball has always been on my court to fix everything. It's been a constant problem for us - he has little insight into any of his behaviours and won't apologise. It's always me having to make the effort, or change.

@Permanentlyfrazzled I'm so sorry your family reacted like that do you have a friend you can confide in?

I have been where you are with similar behaviour, and the one thing, above all else, that convinces me I was right to involve the police and escape, is the pounding heart. Listen to your body. This man is dangerous.

Your situation sounds awful,he sounds awful,i hope you find the strength to leave xx