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Original poster

What does "taking it slowly" when you meet someone mean and how to do it?

35 replies

Scothop · 08/07/2023 18:40

I've started to see someone who I've known for a few years, he was badly hurt by his ex when their relationship ended about 3 years ago. He's told me he likes me and wants to continue seeing me but wants to take it slow. I will discuss this further with him when I next see him but I'm just curious as to how to go about this?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 08/07/2023 18:50

Ìmo...

Short dates. Dragging dates out for hours rushes intimacy so keep dates to around 2 hours or under. Occasional 3 is fine.

No sleeping together (though I bet my ass that isn't what he meant) until there's been another chat to suggest he's all-in.

No labeling things (which I'd bet might be whats he's actually after).

See eachother just once or twice per week.

No constant texting ect...between dates.

Revisiting conversation about where we are both at in around 2-4 months time.

That would be my idea of taking it slow.

Just be careful of anyone who gives you a sob story about their ex leaving them 3 years ago and them still being all sad about it and it being a reason to fanny you about. It's not.

Taking things slow is fine. So long as he a. Doesn't want all the perks of a relationship, without the commitments. And b. Doesn't start fannying you about with all that 'I don't know what you want right now' shite. Because I ge does, he's taking the piss.

And if he isn't over a bad break up, he shouldn't be dating at all anyway.

Pinkbonbon · 08/07/2023 18:51

*'I Don't know what I want right now'

GreyCarpet · 08/07/2023 18:51

To me, it would mean seeing someone once or twice a week to begin with and that building up naturally over time rather than rushing into spend several nights together straight away.

Not falling into a situation where you're practically living together after a couple of months.

No great emotional declarations. Being mindful rather than falling for someone before you really know them in a new context (can be harder when you've known someone we'll beforehand) because it can make it (feel) harder to see the problems or create a sense of the relationship being more crucial to maintain than it is.

Not introducing to family members/all of my friends straightaway.

It wouldn't mean not being exclusive or seeing other people. If I've liked someone enough to start dating them and see where it goes, I wouldn't muddy the waters or disrespect them in that way. I've always been monogamous from the first declaration of interest even before sex. And this would be especially important where I'd known them well beforehand. And I would expect the same tbh.

I think when you've known someone a while, it's almost more important to take it slowly. You're getting to know them in a whole new way and you want to minimise the risk of it going wrong.

RachelTopliss · 08/07/2023 18:52

It means keep your pants on.

Rafting2022 · 08/07/2023 18:54

It means he’s going to fuck you around and then tell you he told you anyway he didn’t want anything serious so what are you getting upset about. Probably while shagging various other people.

Get rid.

WunWun · 08/07/2023 18:55

My advice would be not to even think about sleeping with this guy while he is still wanting to take it slowly.

Sierra259 · 08/07/2023 19:01

For me it would be not jumping into bed together, not messaging/calling constantly and generally just being chilled out about the whole thing - no labels or long-term expectations.

However, as a previous poster said, a guy saying this to me following a split 3 years ago would make me wonder if he's just trying to keep his options open to see other people or laying the groundwork for not committing further down the line. There's nothing wrong with either of those 2 things at the start of a relationship per se, but I would be wary if he's still saying the same thing in 6 months time.

I would be happy to continue seeing him but I'd try not to let myself get too attached and be prepared to pull the plug in the future if he's not willing to move things along.

Pinkbonbon · 08/07/2023 19:05

Rafting2022 · 08/07/2023 18:54

It means he’s going to fuck you around and then tell you he told you anyway he didn’t want anything serious so what are you getting upset about. Probably while shagging various other people.

Get rid.

Unfortunately it does often mean this.

And never make the mistake of thinking 'oh but he's my friend, he'd never do that'. There are lots of people who would, never expect other people to share your moral standing.

Double red flag if he actually fed you a sob story about his past relationship and its not just that you were there and saw how things went and have surmised that that's why he is 'being cautious'.

And just flat out run if he tells you his exs are all crazy.

Hopefully it's not that he is a dick. Maybe she mad love bombed him and he doesn't want that situation again.

But, unfortunately...often if it walks like a duck, it's a duck.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 08/07/2023 19:07

For women it means waiting a bit before having sex

For men it means having sex but not being "in a relationship" "yet".

Leverageup · 08/07/2023 19:15

Several dates, no trauma dimping. Build chemistry, friendship and shared interest. Establish a rapport and fun thongs the two of you enjoy. Slowly get physical but hold back on declarations of love. Go away together and see how you get on. Stay over a few times. Slowly introduce to friends. Stay over more often and open up more. Maybe start using the l word. Etc

Leverageup · 08/07/2023 19:16

I like taking things slowly and am not just after sex?

Marchintospring · 08/07/2023 19:19

TheYearOfSmallThings · 08/07/2023 19:07

For women it means waiting a bit before having sex

For men it means having sex but not being "in a relationship" "yet".

Probably this.

Although since you are already friends he could be worried it’s all bit too intimate already. You already have a relationship so it’s harder to back out if a romantic relationship doesn’t feel right.

Westcoastwoman · 08/07/2023 19:43

Short dates a couple of times a week. Do interesting activities that you both like-
art galleries/museums/paintballing/bowling/stately homes/cookery demonstrations/beach litterpicks/quiz nights, go for a walk and take the dog(s)

Take the opportunity to learn new skills together instead of just sitting in a pub. In fact keep alcohol to a minimum.

Using the 'phone instead of texting. Keep phone calls to a minimum.

No drama or whinging about exes. No talks about commitment, just keep it light to begin with.

Let him do the heavy lifting and court you.

Keep sex (and sex talk) off the table until you are sure of this guy and can trust him to be on the same page as you, and are 'exclusive.'

Don't introduce children until you are sure he will be a permanent fixture.

Keep your own friends and part of your life separate to him for the moment.

Good luck !

.

perfectcolourfound · 08/07/2023 20:18

Disappointing to see so many people are suspicious of his request. I think it's a very sensible thing to do. Taking it slowly is the mature way to start a relationship. It means no love-bombing, no sleeping together on the first date then feeling used when it doesn't work out, no rushing to say I Love You, or to make annoucements to the world, no introducing children. Let it develop naturally and gently, not forced.

When I started seeing my DH, we agreed to take it slowly. We were both divorced, both had children. We each wanted our children to remain our priority. We wanted to make sure we didn't introduce them until we were pretty certain where it was going, and that the children were ready for it. We were both really keen on the other, but made a point of not rushing any of the milestones.

WunWun · 08/07/2023 21:12

perfectcolourfound · 08/07/2023 20:18

Disappointing to see so many people are suspicious of his request. I think it's a very sensible thing to do. Taking it slowly is the mature way to start a relationship. It means no love-bombing, no sleeping together on the first date then feeling used when it doesn't work out, no rushing to say I Love You, or to make annoucements to the world, no introducing children. Let it develop naturally and gently, not forced.

When I started seeing my DH, we agreed to take it slowly. We were both divorced, both had children. We each wanted our children to remain our priority. We wanted to make sure we didn't introduce them until we were pretty certain where it was going, and that the children were ready for it. We were both really keen on the other, but made a point of not rushing any of the milestones.

Says someone who has clearly never done any online dating. You have no idea 😂

Wouldyou77 · 08/07/2023 21:44

Says someone who has clearly never done any online dating. You have no idea 😂

completely agree with this. Altho OP appears to have met this guy in real life.

OP, he should be over his ex from three years ago.

Just be careful, guard your heart and take it slow.

Dont let him mess you around by pretending he’s all hurt etc etc that was years ago and if he’s not over it, then he shouldn’t be dating.

caffelattetogo · 08/07/2023 22:04

Walk away. He's wasting your time.

littleburn · 08/07/2023 22:22

He absolutely should be over (or at least have reflected on and learnt lessons from) a relationship that ended 3 years ago! I would place money that his 'taking it slow' doesn't extend to not sleeping together OP.

It's a get out of jail free card. He'll get what he wants from you, responsibility free, but the minute you express any expectations of being in a relationship it'll be, 'but I told you at the start ...' Even if its 6 months down the line and he's spending more time at yours than his. Don't hand over your power to someone who's priming you to be the cool girl.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2023 22:28

What he means is that he wants sex on tap but for you not to be dumb enough to expect any kind of commitment.

Don't allow yourself to be played.

Simonjt · 08/07/2023 22:41

The only way to know what he means is to ask him. I like to take new relationships slowly, it takes me a while to get to know people, so I needed someone who was okay with short dates, no physical affection for a while etc, rather than jumping straight in.

WunWun · 08/07/2023 23:26

Yeah, men on dating apps are always this very truthful about what they want 😁

EmmaEmerald · 08/07/2023 23:55

Surely you ask him what he means by that?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/07/2023 00:01

Scothop · 08/07/2023 18:40

I've started to see someone who I've known for a few years, he was badly hurt by his ex when their relationship ended about 3 years ago. He's told me he likes me and wants to continue seeing me but wants to take it slow. I will discuss this further with him when I next see him but I'm just curious as to how to go about this?

You need to focus less on what he wants and get clear about what you want/need eg how long can you be sleeping with someone without exclusive commitment? Can you? If exclusive how often do you want to see them a week? Then you'll know if what he's offering can meet your needs and move on if it can't

RSintes · 09/07/2023 00:17

It means he's seeing other people but wants to keep you on the back burner in case they don't work out.

OhForFucksFuckingSake · 09/07/2023 00:18

It means he's dating several women at once and hasn't decided which one he likes the most yet.