Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What does "taking it slowly" when you meet someone mean and how to do it?

35 replies

Scothop · 08/07/2023 18:40

I've started to see someone who I've known for a few years, he was badly hurt by his ex when their relationship ended about 3 years ago. He's told me he likes me and wants to continue seeing me but wants to take it slow. I will discuss this further with him when I next see him but I'm just curious as to how to go about this?

OP posts:
Westcoastwoman · 09/07/2023 08:54

perfectcolourfound · 08/07/2023 20:18

Disappointing to see so many people are suspicious of his request. I think it's a very sensible thing to do. Taking it slowly is the mature way to start a relationship. It means no love-bombing, no sleeping together on the first date then feeling used when it doesn't work out, no rushing to say I Love You, or to make annoucements to the world, no introducing children. Let it develop naturally and gently, not forced.

When I started seeing my DH, we agreed to take it slowly. We were both divorced, both had children. We each wanted our children to remain our priority. We wanted to make sure we didn't introduce them until we were pretty certain where it was going, and that the children were ready for it. We were both really keen on the other, but made a point of not rushing any of the milestones.

That is just common sense.👏

happyfoot · 09/07/2023 08:59

Rafting2022 · 08/07/2023 18:54

It means he’s going to fuck you around and then tell you he told you anyway he didn’t want anything serious so what are you getting upset about. Probably while shagging various other people.

Get rid.

Sadly, I agree. I'll bet when he says "taking it slow" what he really means is: sex all the time is fine but he doesnt want any commitment/exclusivity. Funny that isnt it?

If he genuinely wants to take it slow then that also involves sex and intimacy really. If his definition of slow is the above then get rid. If he's fine with taking it slow when it comes to sex as well then I'd be far more inclined to believe him.

happyfoot · 09/07/2023 09:02

perfectcolourfound · 08/07/2023 20:18

Disappointing to see so many people are suspicious of his request. I think it's a very sensible thing to do. Taking it slowly is the mature way to start a relationship. It means no love-bombing, no sleeping together on the first date then feeling used when it doesn't work out, no rushing to say I Love You, or to make annoucements to the world, no introducing children. Let it develop naturally and gently, not forced.

When I started seeing my DH, we agreed to take it slowly. We were both divorced, both had children. We each wanted our children to remain our priority. We wanted to make sure we didn't introduce them until we were pretty certain where it was going, and that the children were ready for it. We were both really keen on the other, but made a point of not rushing any of the milestones.

Nothing at all wrong with taking it slowly, its sensible. But, what I have experienced from every guy who has ever said this to me is that they want sex immediately but anything that defines what you are to each other eg "in a relationship" or "exclusive" was too fast. Thats a huge red flag - if you genuinely want to take it slow then that also includes sex.

catsnhats11 · 09/07/2023 09:04

Keeping his options open.

It's been 3 years, unless there was some serious trauma, this is an excuse.

LaPerduta · 09/07/2023 09:05

Yep, agree with PPs. It means don't expect any commitment, but he'll be quite happy to shag you while he's unreliable and difficult to pin down.

sodthesodoff · 09/07/2023 09:05

Three years and he's not over it?! What the hell did she do? Unless she burnt down his house and ate his petunias I'd bin this one already.

But yeah basically don't have sex with him. He doesn't know what he wants. And when it turns out he's been dating multiple other women/doesn't want a long term relationship anyway he can say well I warned you.

BackAgainstWall · 09/07/2023 09:26

It means he is in control and he will determine the speed of the relationship and if it progresses.

It’s basically keeping you at arm’s length until/if HE decides.

It’s definitely not a natural progression of relationship.

Pancake678 · 09/07/2023 09:35

I agree with most PP he's a player and you don't need to give him your time.

Harrypewter · 09/07/2023 11:22

I would say slow dating. Something like a few days a week.
I'm currently slow dating, committed but keeping my own space. This is going to change soon, however, it won't be full-on living together.
We're making future plans too to integrate both families but this is over the next couple of yrs.
Normally I've jumped into moving in together quickly before even really knowing the person.

Whatwouldscullydo · 09/07/2023 11:43

For me amd probably many other women it means I want to not have sex straight away.

For men it means I'm.gonna throw you a few scraps to keep you dangling but I'm gonna keep my options open as long as possible. And despite telling you that you can text/call when ever u want and to hook up when you want and the whole thing being their idea , when you initiate anything at all some how you are the problem.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page