Help me understand the relationship with my sister

[evusister]

Namechanged for this. Apologies for a long one.

I’m gonna start by saying that our relationship with DS has always been complicated. I have two sisters that are close in age and I am 9 and 10 years younger than them. I’ve always gotten very well with my eldest sister, never had any issues despite the age gap, she’s been always friendly and supportive of me. Middle sister (DSis for this thread) on the other hand has always been on and off with me. As an armchair psychologist I would say maybe she resented me being born and “stealing” her youngest child status? But who knows.

As a child I remember she never really liked me. Was always strict with me, yelling at me to clean up my toys, she hated most of my friends, I remember she once kicked my friend out of our house when we were about 5 who came for a playdate. As I was a teenager at secondary school and uni she resented my parents giving me money (even though they supported her through school too) and only ever started somewhat accepting me once I started working, built a successful career and became independent. Our relationship improved then but still goes through waves of issues and periods of us not talking (initiated by her for any random reason).

My parents never took anyone’s side, just left us to it, partially because whenever she would get mad at them for any “injustice”, she would easily not talk to them for 6 months (so they never want to rock the boat with her). One highlight of her not talking to them included her not inviting them to her graduation. Another one when we went for a family ski trip for 5 days, she got in a mood at the end of it for no reason (literally no reason that we could understand, she just wasn’t in a good mood that day) and stopped talking to any of us for something like 4 months. Nowadays she’s mostly fine with my parents (well my dad died recently so fine with my mum) and us and it’s her DP who’s on the receiving end of her silent treatment usually.

I live abroad with my family (pregnant with DC #2 now) and visit my hometown once or twice a year for extended period to get together with everyone. She’s gone quiet on me in our WhatsApp recently because I think she was mad I planned the visit for when she was away with her family and so we only overlap for 3 days. After she blanked me on WhatsApp a few times, I stopped sending her pictures that I normally send to my mum and other sister too. This apparently made her more mad (I assume, she never tells what’s wrong). Anyway here I am, hoping to celebrate my daughter’s birthday and to enjoy the last few days of my stay with family here (I won’t come for another year at least due to pregnancy and then having a newborn) and she got here. Completely ignoring me, blanking me, chatting cheerfully to everyone else (including my DD and DH), making me feel completely awkward to even be here.

AIBU to feel like what the actual fuck? Is this in any way normal for anyone over the age of 15? What do I do? I’m sick of always approaching first, apologizing when I haven’t done anything wrong (I was sick in my first trimester so couldn’t come at different days and she knows), and I’m pissed off that she ruined my last few days of the visit.

She’s not like this to my other sister who often excludes her from their invitations etc. (and she probably would be like that to my mum but my mum knows to thread carefully around her)

Oh god, OP, how stressful for you.

I've no idea what or why she's like this but she's clearly a very mixed up person.

Sounds like you're very lucky to not live nearby and very lucky to not need to depend on her.

I'd give her very limited interaction tbh. Especially if she's playing all smiles with your family whilst dog whistling silence to you. Fuck that!

I empathise and can relate. My sister also always resented me. Your post sounds very familiar.

The resentment that she felt towards me when I was born, she has openly acknowledged as an adult, although it didn't need spelling out: she acted as though she couldn't bear to be near me for pretty much the whole of my childhood. If ever she was nice, it was bordering on unnerving, because it was so alien.

I would just ease her out completely if I were you. She sounds dreadful and you don't need her negativity and head fuckery in your life.

I have very limited contact with my sister - a couple of text messages every couple of weeks at most, but usually much less than that. To be honest, that's too much.

A huge turning point for me was when my adult daughter pointed out that my sister is, and always has been, unbelievably selfish.

It sounds ridiculous, but up until that point, I'd always put it down to my sister's low self esteem / her PMT / lack of sleep / being generally a bit down.

But DD insisted : she's JUST plain selfish!
It was a lightbulb moment. I think I'd been in denial my whole life, thinking we were close as adults, for a time. We were close because I made all the effort, let her have her own way without question, backed off when she kicked off, and was always there, at the drop of a hat, to support her when she wanted it.

You'll be better off without her, OP.

I think I am still in denial a bit, because she does have good moments and has been very supportive of me some of the times (e.g. helped me a lot with my wedding organizing, or when I needed to move out of my flat, and we pulled together around my dad’s funeral) and obviously she’s family so phasing her out would be hard as we typically have family reunions with everyone there. But I suppose I have been subconsciously minimizing contact lately and that’s actually the latest reason for her silent treatment of me, being mad that I don’t make effort with her. (I’m in touch with my other sister a lot more so she’s not wrong there)

After the morning today of being shitty to me completely blanking me, she turned on her charm, was super sweet with my friends who came to my DD’s party with their kids, served us, even helped out with all the kids - and that seemed to be her genuinely wanting to help me with the party, not faking it to annoy me if that makes sense…. I just don’t understand! I generally don’t understand this whole silent treatment bullshit with grownups and why is she like that - she clearly can control it if she can only be like this to some people (mostly her DP to be fair) and not others. That being said she doesn’t have any close friends and has lost friendships over random fallouts that never got mended. So it’s clearly not just an issue with me but really her personality issue.

I only have one day left with her around as she’s leaving tomorrow so will do my best to be civil (based on this afternoon she gas moved on from her current sulk) but going forward I do have some thinking and processing to do. We see each other so little and it shouldn’t feel this stressful.

And today she’s back to ignoring me. I’m definitely done with this crap. Will keep the contact minimal from now on I think.

Do you or anyone else ever confront her over her treatment of you, or do you brush it under the carpet/excuse it?

I would confront it, direct her with a question and if she doesn’t answer ask her why she’s giving you the silent treatment? It’s bloody ridiculous.

In my family we’d have a big blow up over anyone acting like that, but then we have our fair share of problems too!

Nobody ever confronts her because to confront her means her sulking and keeping it (the silent treatment/not visiting) up for many months. So people brush it off as “oh it’s just her personality” in order to keep peace. It’s been like that since she was 18 or so - basically since her legendary sulk that included her not inviting my parents to her graduation.

I am the only one who stands up to her - so very often we’re not speaking but I refuse to back down although eventually it’s always me who starts talking first, never her.

Her DP recently started speaking up too and they have frequent arguments/periods of not speaking. Just dreadful imho and they have a 4 year old too.

Right now noone seems to be noticing any weird treatment from her to me, everyone acting as if things are great. I’m pregnant and miserable, but if I speak up I am the one disturbing the peace and leaving the atmosphere weird for another year. So I’m bottling it down and counting down the hours.

It’s a lifelong issue, I would accept her as she is for the sake of not making things awkward for everyone at family reunions. Let it be on her, rather than you participating along with it. Leave it with her.

A good way to cope with her might be to figure out what mental age she is being at that time… is it 4 years old, or 12 years old? Then treat the situation accordingly. You wouldn’t get as annoyed with a child.

It may be there is some sort of developmental issue, or even a personality disorder. In any case, you know she does this to everyone, try not to take it personally. Take the good, and ignore the bad.

You are a grown up, she is a child. Approach her with tolerant benevolence, and extend to her a wing of kindness when she is having her good moments. You never know, she may be the person to give you your last drink of water.

I am mostly having this approach. But sometimes I struggle with the notion of shitty behavior being rewarded, and her always getting her way with everybody, and everyone accepting this childish behavior as normal. And right now I’m upset at my once a year trip being ruined by this.

It’s very difficult. Is it possible to take breaks from her and go have an hour’s peaceful coffee somewhere else. I’m sure no one would blame, you will have lots of leeway because you are pregnant.

They will certainly have noticed her behaviour towards you, they know her as well as you do. I’m sure they are just as fed up.

Look on it as a characteristic building exercise, you are increasing your patience and tolerance levels, these are skills that will see you through many different aspects of life.

Try to remainin calm, don’t let her pull you into her issues. The baby should be exposed to calm hormones from you. This is a delicate time for you, escape when you need to! I would certain understand why if I was a member of your family!

I once went home a few days early from a family holiday because I couldn’t tame another moment of my sister. It’s not the end of the world. Sometimes we have to preserve ourselves, even if it’s just an hour here and there.

I would quite frankly go home early if she was staying longer but luckily she’s leaving this afternoon.

The weird thing however is that noone seems to see anything wrong with her treatment of me. If I speak up I will be labeled the overly sensitive dramatic one (happened in past) who disturbed the peace. They will look for reasons why she’s entitled to be mad with me. Noone seems to care I’m pregnant really. So I suppose it’s the whole family dynamics I’m struggling with. If she was pulled up on her behavior by someone, anyone!, I would probably find her easier to deal with. I suspect they’re just happy it’s not them she’s mad with this time.

Stop making any effort whatsoever.

If you can avoid staying with your mother and take an airbnb next time do.

Do not extend ANY invitation for her to call.

Completely block her.

Your parents have created this monster and you cannot change her.

What you can do is cease all contact.

Create a WhatsApp group that excludes her, or only contact others directly.

Do not accept anuy guilting from your mother, she has really let you both down.

She allowed you to be bullied throughout your childhood which is appallingly selfish of her and your father.

Pull back is my advice.
Suit yourself.
Accept that she brings nothing to your life.
Keep her the hell away from your children.

Right now, I would grab your husband and child and go out and say you will be back later.

Do not say a word to her and don't return until she has left.

Take control.

OP this is awful - but you do need to call it out, and keep calling it out. Actually name it.
You: <friendly approach>
DSis: silence
You: "Oh, are you still punishing me the silent treatment? Whatever you think I've done, it would be much more adult/productive if you could learn to express it in words so I could address it."

I think billy1966 you are 100% correct and this is what I will most likely do. Luckily there’s no need for me to be in touch during the year, and quite frankly after this latest, no desire whatsoever from me to be in touch.

Next trips I will plan around her being away if I visit here, I will not send flowers for her birthday (which I usually do even when on “not speaking” terms) and will just keep in touch with mum and other sister separately.

I have enough of being treated like crap and it being considered acceptable. I suppose at least now that I’m pregnant I was hoping for someone to have my back, but no. If I speak up, I will be blamed for the drama, which is ridiculous.

You’re also correct my kids shouldn’t be around this crap thinking it’s normal behavior. Her DD is 4 (same as my DD) and she already strops and sulks just like her mummy.

I think you also need to call our your family and especially your parents. They're in denial about being complicit in the damage that's been done to you with their tiptoe-ing.
Tell them straight that them defending her bullying and blaming you is damaging your relationship and that in trying to avoid one breach they are creating another.

We actually had this very conversation many times. I told them it’s messing up her life too if noone ever calls her out - her marriage is in pieces because of it and she has no friends. Somehow she’s always excused by the family as “that’s just her”.

If I tell my mum now:

1. she will be upset because my dad died recently so she doesn’t want any drama now and is very sensitive
2. she’s generally avoiding any guilt by saying “of course everything is my fault”
3. usually mum says she wants to stay out of it and would likely choose my sister over me because her she can see regularly (and would miss out by her not coming to visit) whereas I won’t come for another year
4. I suppose my DSis will be happy if she manages to break the relationship of me and my mum, since she never really liked me I guess and resented me being born

I have a sister like this in my life and someone who used to be a good friend. They are both very hot and cold emotionally. I have gone Low Contact with my sister and actually, she has responded by becoming warmer to me than she has been in years. I think she realised that she had gone too far with the power games and was at risk of losing any kind of relationship with me.

I've also gone LC with my friend and she doesn't seem bothered. Neither am I. Still have to see her in group situations occasionally but I've moved on from worrying about why she behaves as she does and have just accepted that if someone acts like they don't care about you, believe them.

But it will only be ruined if you let it be. Have you had a good time with your parents, other sister, old friends etc? Have people been happy and excited about your pregnancy? Did you older DD enjoy her birthday?
Concentrate on these and try and forget your annoying sister. Easier said than done I know.

Of course she does.

If your mother gives you any guff, you tell her she created this monster and you will not tolerate any bullshit from her either.

I cannot fathom, like most mothers allowing any of my children preeminent dominance in the house, really appalling destructive parenting.

Your sister is a dose, but a much worse dose because she was reared by lazy selfish parents.

Genuinely loving parents wouldn't want this dynamic between their children, they prize their children having a warm and loving relationship and do what they can to foster that.

Draw a line in the sand and say no more.

I wouldn't want my child around a cousin reared in her mothers likeness.

It's excellent you live abroad.

If you can at all arrange your own accommodation for your next trip and invitations to where you are staying will be completely in YOUR gift.

You can be very firm with your mother on that point.

I do need to think carefully about making plans next time, and I do need to find a way of not letting it get to me. I don’t know how yet.

I did tell my mother after she left, and apparently the poor DSis is completely innocent in all this and she thought I was ignoring her! Even though I did ask multiple questions that she ignored and she wouldn’t even look at me, and even though she does the exact same thing to her DP, the exact “pretending he’s not here” weird little shit. Then of course my mother cried that we (meaning me) always bring her into it and she’s always the bad one (I never even said that) so basically the usual way to avoid any hard honest conversation.

My older DSis called me later to cheer me up and completely validated me, even acknowledging that yes it did always seem like the middle DSis resents me and doesn’t like me. Even remembered many of the old incidents that my mum always brushes under the carpet. So it’s nice to have at least someone who sees the reality in the same way, rather than thinking it’s all in my head.

I did exactly that this afternoon, and spent my last day here with friends.

Then got shit from my mum that I’m the one imagining things and creating drama - as usual.

But I’m glad I did leave and I do need to find a way to not let this get to me and to absolutely minimize contact. I am pretty sure one day when my mum dies we will be completely no contact.

OP, your mother is highly manipulative and frankly a liar.

She will have seen what went on but chooses to pretend not to see and ignore it and lie.

Just as she has done your whole life.

Yes your sister is a dose, but she is a product of her rearing.

Your mother maniputes you and is highly controlling in that she shuts down any conversation by lying or playing victim.

Truthfully I would want to be around either of them.

Focus on your emotionally healthy sister who loves and supports you.

You are blessed to have her in your life.

Focus on investing in this healthy loving relationship and perhaps look at a big of counselling "to help you accept the things you cannot change, the strength to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference"....love this prayer.😁

You are at a busy special time in your life, with a new baby due.

Don't allow what you are powerless to change or control, become your distracting focus.

Invest in healthy relationships.

Your husband supports you and sees the truth.

Well done.

With someone so unpleasant, when your mother passes, you will be relieved to not have to be involved.

There will always be drama around her and it will increase when she inevitably divorces.

You and your older sister have a wonderful connection, be grateful for it.

But do not stay with your mother again.
With two small children, your own place where you could have friends visit you would be an expense worth saving for.

Perhaps consider a house exchange?

It could be wonderfully convenient and cost effective.

Perhaps a friend would know of someone who would love a holiday exchange.

Something to consider.

Counseling is probably a good idea, I need to find someone to talk to. I think that resentment towards my mum and her part in it will need unpicking and I struggle with my relationship with her. She’s the only living parent I have, we have always been close I thought, she’s obviously very much alone now after my dad died. But yes she has been an enabler in all this, even when I was as young as maybe 4 or 5, she never took my side and just “left us to deal with it” although I obviously couldn’t protect myself fairly against a 15 year old?
My older sister suspects (probably correctly) that because my mum is also the middle of 3 sisters, she just sees herself in her. In her eyes she can do no wrong and she’s the one having a tough time in life because obviously being a middle child is so hard! (sarcasm) It does actually makes sense, she’s always had a soft spot for her and excused her behavior.

We will be very careful with our trip planning next time and where to stay, yes.

I’m also making a mental note that I need to be very careful to not mess up the relationship between my DD and her future little sister. I think that’s also why my mum shuts down any conversation about this - she sees it as me blaming her - and essentially yes that’s correct.