Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

How Often Do You See Your Parents?

33 replies

RoseOlivia2023 · 08/07/2023 11:20

Hi everyone,

Just thought I would check on here as this has been troubling me recently. I had some wild years in my late teens, which left me a bit vulnerable. I then managed to put my life on track, but my mother moved near me soon after this (I was 26). She expected weekly Sunday visits and frequent phone calls. We get on extremely well so it didn't trouble me all that much, although it definitely took my time and might have stopped me making more friends as I was very busy with work, and still wary of people after my troubles, so it was easier to hang out with family. I managed to bring this down to two visits a month when I was stronger.

Now is she much older and has had a few health scares. But my sister, who lives far away, behaves as though it is completely uncool for me to spend so much time with my mother (currently one visit a week). I moved in with her for months when we feared for her life, and even then she acted as though this was untrendy.

There is always this subtext that I am boring, which I have never confronted her for. It's not like she's that wild herself - she claimed the family home, has three kids and a normal job. But as she is photogenic, her FB page looks glamorous and the things she does look more interesting as a result (drinks in garden with friends, normal city breaks like anyone can take nowadays). I don't promote myself in this way, but have a more interesting life than her (if we were to compete!)

But a few times recently, my mother has said she is similar to my sister; this makes me feel like the mug who devoted her time to her, while she admires the independent image my sister promotes.

So, what do you think? Are people who never see their parents more interesting? Have I been used all these years and should I have ruthlessly cut all ties with my family?

Thank you!

OP posts:

BumbleBee2023 · 08/07/2023 11:31

I rarely see my parents, maybe 2-3 times a year. (Distance rather than choice.)
I'm definitely not trendy. Think your sister is just a rather stuck up unkind person no offence.

EarthSight · 08/07/2023 11:36

So, what do you think? Are people who never see their parents more interesting? Have I been used all these years and should I have ruthlessly cut all ties with my family?

Ruthlessly cut all ties with my family??

OP - you're coming across as quite a strange person in this last paragraph. You've presented this as a question, whereas it's very clear from the binary nature of what you'd said and the bitter sub-context behind it that what you're looking for is support. This is fine, but if you're looking for support, you can simply just ask for that.

OP, it's possble for someone to admire another person for different qualities than what they admire in you. The frequency someone sees their parents varies a lot. I know someone who lives in the same village as their mother and she sees her almost every day at some point. The daughter comes across as very independent to me, getting on with her social life and her mother has her own seperate social life, but their physical proximity means they see each other at this frequency. That doesn't mean this is preferable for everyone, and that's fine.

I think you've been injured by your sister's comments, and now sound annoyed that your mum has made a positive comment about your sister.

However, it is true that in some families, the mother expects much more from one sibling, leans on them a lot more and places more emotional demands on them. She punishes them when they don't meet those expectations, but neither respects them when they do.

Original poster

RoseOlivia2023 · 08/07/2023 11:40

@BumbleBee2023 Thank you! Yes, my sister is quite unkind, is cruel to people who show weakness, and she has kept many of her teenage beliefs. Very annoying!

OP posts:

Haveallthesongsbeenwritten · 08/07/2023 11:47

I live abroad so i see them 2-3 times a year. But i call my mom multiple times a week 😊

Original poster

RoseOlivia2023 · 08/07/2023 11:51

@EarthSight I just meant that part as a sarcastic comment aimed at what my family seems to expect of me in order for them to respect me; ie cutting all ties with them would hurt them but apparently would them admire me more!

I think it's my sister's unfair worldview I'm annoyed at, and her constant portrayal of herself as the 'wild' one (even when just pouring herself a glass of wine, she behaves as though it's something rebellious!). I think I'm going to have to change their perception of me, as it's getting tedious to be seen as sensible just because I care about my mother...

OP posts:

Original poster

RoseOlivia2023 · 08/07/2023 11:53

@Haveallthesongsbeenwritten That's nice! I used to really enjoy chatting to my mum but my sister has ruined it with her nasty comments.

OP posts:

Goldencup · 08/07/2023 11:57

I see my parents most months. That is more than either of my siblings. I know her baby boy (nearly 40!) is my mother's favourite. I am the oldest dull, dutiful daughter I do not give a fuck.

Honeychickpea · 08/07/2023 12:01

How does somebody "claim the family home"?

Jacketpotato4 · 08/07/2023 12:06

I see mine usually every week, unless one of us on holiday. They live around 35 miles away.

Original poster

RoseOlivia2023 · 08/07/2023 12:08

@Honeychickpea Just move into it, have kids and stop the rest of the family from either renting it out or selling it. We're not that materialistic so would not force her out of it, but the fact is she has never paid rent so her life is quite easy in that regard. We never really talk about it but when you add up what the rent on a four-bed house would have been over 20 years, it's a little shocking!

OP posts:

honeybunsleo · 08/07/2023 12:09

I see my dad multiple times a week and speak to him every day on the phone.

My mum died suddenly three years ago, I will never take my dad for granted, life is so short I enjoy speaking to him and spending time with him. One day I won't get that so I will make the most of it now.

I had a lot of, I wish I could of said this to my mum, or I wish I had done this.

Original poster

RoseOlivia2023 · 08/07/2023 12:10

@Goldencup You sound very strong! Just the hint that my sister might be the favourite has annoyed me!

OP posts:

Original poster

RoseOlivia2023 · 08/07/2023 12:13

@honeybunsleo That is so sweet. I had the same when my dad died, and that's why I enjoyed my mother's company so much. But now I'm worried that she despises me for spending so much time with her, while taking it for granted.

You're so lucky to still have your dad, I wish you all the best with him.

OP posts:

AssertiveGertrude · 08/07/2023 12:19

Once a week but we have a tricky relationship to be honest where she is critical and I am hurt but her a lot. She never sees good that I do do I give up trying and don’t tell her much. I used to make contact daily buy now I don’t bother and neither does she

Original poster

RoseOlivia2023 · 08/07/2023 12:23

@AssertiveGertrude That sounds awful. Interesting that you still see her once a week; it's very kind of you.

OP posts:

Davestwattymissus · 08/07/2023 12:29

I rarely see mine...no major issues, just not that close. I've never, ever thought about it in terms of it being cool / uncool, it's just the way it is.

When I was younger and more concerned about that kind of stuff, my mum definitely wasn't a cool mum or fun to hang out with, so I didn't spend time with her in the way some of my friends did with theirs. I guess that will be part of why we aren't that close now given that kind of bonding just didn't happen.

Original poster

RoseOlivia2023 · 08/07/2023 12:56

@Davestwattymissus Thanks for the input. You're probably lucky. Mine was always needy when I was growing up, so I'm worried that our friendship has been co-dependent. Need some space to think about it all!

OP posts:

EarthSight · 08/07/2023 13:19

But you seems to be saying this as some kind of comparison with what your sister has done.......so would you define your sister as having cut all ties? Doesn't seem like it, and if she did, I don't think you're mum would be happy at all if either of you did this.

EarthSight · 08/07/2023 13:21

I can understand why you'd fine this tedious. There are some people who like to say 'I'm just MAD me' at everyone they meet.

You sound pretty average to me and I hope you find the appreciation you are looking for.

GreyCarpet · 08/07/2023 13:31

It's probably time to find a balance that you're happy with.

It sounds like you're taken for granted and not respected so I'd start choosing myself and living life for myself in your shoes.

And worry less about what they think of you.

Mary46 · 08/07/2023 13:52

Hi op I visit once a week. Its negative negative. Find it enough if Im honest. Some families are hard work. My siblings feel the same on it.

Davestwattymissus · 08/07/2023 13:55

If I were you I'd start from the perspective of 'do I enjoy spending this time with mum, does it make me happy, do I feel loved and nourished when I leave her, and look forward to the next time I see her?'. If the answer to that is yes, then it really doesn't matter what your sister or anyone else thinks! If the answer is no, then perhaps you do need to make some changes?

I suspect I'm more like your sister in this scenario, and I know my mum sings my praises despite the distance / lack of closeness, whilst taking my close-by, regularly-visiting sibling for granted. I think its her way somehow of glossing over the relationship we don't have, if that makes sense? It's easier for her to think I have a busy, glamorous life that stops me from visiting / prioritising time with her rather than accepting that we're not as close as she would like (and my life is really fucking humdrum!).

Original poster

RoseOlivia2023 · 08/07/2023 14:20

@EarthSight She has almost cut all ties. Hardly ever phones or messages, not even once a month. She's gone years without visiting her. We had a strange upbringing, and we are all quite unconventional, but I have let myself get labelled as the reliable one. Which, in our kind of family, is more of an insult!

@GreyCarpet Thanks, I will do this! This thread has helped me see it's not that big a deal. I'm finally getting my life back together so it should be OK.

@Davestwattymissus Difficult one! I used to really enjoy spending time with her, but maybe that has changed. I hadn't planned for my life to be this way so am rethinking a lot of things. Enjoy your glamorous image! Interesting insight into why your mum chooses to say this about you.

OP posts:

EarthSight · 08/07/2023 14:48

There is a sort of narcissistic snottiness in that. I think it's better to be authentic than be always curating an image of oneself as a person who is different when the truth is different.

I went to university with some English middle-upper class kids who were a bit like this. If they told you they liked a certain type of obscure music, you couldn't really trust that this was the real them, but rather an exaggerated curated version of themselves. Nothing seemed genuine or heartfelt. Everything seemed to be liked in an ironic way because they wanted to seem 'cool', detached, and maintain a get-out clause if anyone poked fun at anything they were interested in.

Maddy70 · 08/07/2023 15:31

Now 4x a year but I live abroad. When I lived nearer 1/2 x week

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread