Finding it hard to support DH

[Whyemseeaye]

I think DH has burn out. We have talked about it, at length.

I am however finding it difficult to be supportive of him. His moods are awful and impacting the whole household.

I have highlighted this to him previously and he perks up for a few days and then it's back to the same thing.

He has said he will see a counsellor, but hasn't done so yet. I'm hoping he will do this next week.

I have implemented some changes to free up time for him. I don't feel this is recognised. It's like no matter what I do it's never enough.

Some minor irritation set him off last night and he got very annoyed and down. He then starts ranting at me, but says he's not blaming me. Although there is certainly an edge to it of me being at fault somehow.

We've now had another long talk this morning. He is worried about a breakdown and in wider conversation has said practically him moving out might make his life better. He says that's not what he wants but the pressure of work and parenthood is wearing him down.

I'm a SAHM and have said I feel very exposed so am going look for a full time job. Something I haven't done previously as I do everything at home so he will have even more responsibilities if I go back to work full time.

He says it won't make any difference to him as he can't have any less time than he already does.

It's made me feel like he can't see my contribution. I want to support him but I'm quite annoyed and just needed to vent. Congratulations if you made it to the end!!

When my DH was like this, but saying he had a physical illness, I put the depression questionnaire in front of him and made him do it. It turned out he had anxiety and needed medication.

And when he was refusing to get help I wish I’d asked him to move out, instead of putting myself and my kids through it.

Get back to work asap.

He is abusing you and the home.

His MH is not an excuse to do nothing and abuse the house.

Call Womens aid for support and start getting organised.

You really need to start focusing on protecting yourself and children.

Have you any family and friends nearby to support you?

What ages are your children?

Get yourself a bank account in your name only, and get the child benefit paid into it.

Everyone's got problems but not everyone is a cunt about it set it straight and be stern with it he needs to sort him self out

I have implemented some changes to free up time for him

What is taking up all his time?

What is he doing to free up time for himself?

Aaaah, poor ickle pickle dh.... life is so hard and he can't do anything and you must pick up the slack AND be OK with him being in a bad mood so maybe he should just move out so he has no responsibilities..... poor baby.

Hes being a dick. If he has genuine mental health problems he needs to deal with them. Not just abdicate all responsibilities. I am afraid I'm not buying any of it. I'm sort of surprised he's mmot blaming you and/or saying if you did more/had more sex/did things differently he would feel better.

XH had that way of complaining about things that made me feel I was being blamed, but denying he meant it like that when I tried to defend myself. It's an art.

It's basic passive aggression. The best way to treat it is to take what's said absolutely literally, and respond, every single time.

'Oh, god, none of my shirts are washed, again!'
'You'd best get them into the machine, then, I suppose.'

'I'm so hungry, how come there's no food in the fridge?'
'Because nobody bought any. If you're going to the shop, could you grab me some chocolate, please?'

Literally, don't hear any criticism or respond to it. If it's not said as a direct comment about you or what you did/didn't do, then treat it as a comment on the general state of affairs. He has a problem, he needs to fix it.

First step G.P as presumably he has self diagnosed Burn out and if he is worried about a break down he needs medical advice and support. It's totally unfair that he is taking it out on you and you are having to run round trying to fix him.Thats not your responsibility.
To me he sounds self absorbed and selfish. His suggestion of moving out sounds odd as well and would make me suspicious that there might be another woman lurking in the background.

I'm not usually one to say this, but is there any chance he might be cheating? Sorry, I hate to suggest it but his idea that moving out for a while might help him seems odd. Also him suddenly becoming depressed and critical with you. That sounds suspicious too.

I sincerely hope I'm wrong.

Oh wow, I had expected responses lambasting me for not being supportive enough!

To be clear his isn't lazy at home and does stuff that needs doing, but he doesn't actually have any need to because I do it and have the time.

He does work long hours and life is generally busy. We have two small DC. Reception and nursery age.

But in all honesty while I know he's busy I'm not sure how much of it is actually necessary. And that's why I can't dig very deep in terms of sympathy.

Last night is a good example. We put one DC to bed at each. He drags it out and takes ages so he doesn't finish until later. Then instead of putting DC 6 to bed and getting on with evening. He hangs around upstairs waiting for them to go to sleep.

It's so unnecessary.

He then did some work and then got annoyed as something wouldn't send so spent an hour fixing that. Then came downstairs and tidied the kitchen. Which I'd already done.

Then came to find me with a face like thinner. Proclaiming he's sick of it all. Never any time for himself. Always at the bottom of the pile etc. I felt attacked because I'd been sitting on the sofa as I'd done all my stuff.

But the thing is where I'm at home all day I see his days. Some days there are 40 minute showers and mowing the grass. Going for a walk and watching sports while typing emails.

I guess I don't feel our lives are that different from anyone else's which small children. While he feels he's worked to the bone and his life is extraordinary in terms of responsibility.

I don't know. But I am very fed up of it

I don't think he's cheating. In as far and anyone can ever be certain! He is always at home.

Just a heads up that counselling may lead to DH becoming more self absorbed, more entitled.

What is he doing to save himself time?

He sounds like a moany child. Very unattractive.

He may be emotionally distancing himself in order to split up with you - it’s very common to check out in order to instigate an argument and then the person feels justified in their wanting to leave.

Truthfully I don't know.

I'm very much a doer. I have made countless suggestions but I feel they're always batter back with an eye roll p there's no time.

He is time poor but he could still do stuff if he wanted to

You have my sympathy, OP. To be honest I've been going through something a bit similar with my DH, right down to the rants that he says are not criticisms but sort of feel like it.
I think that going back to work is an excellent idea.
I know others have suggested an affair or that he is checking out of the relationship, but my read on the situation (based on my own experiences...) is that some men (even supposedly good ones) just don't handle family life with small children very well, get easily overwhelmed and become generally very unpleasant to live with. My own DH frequently succumbs to moodiness, passive aggression and general overwhelm even though, like you, I do try to take things off his plate and make his life easier.

It doesn't mean that what he is doing is ok because it really, really is not, but I think this BS is more common than you think.... Men get away with some truly crap behaviour at home in the name of poor mental health in a way which most women simply could not. I could write an essay on this shit. I wish I knew what the answer was and as a staunch feminist I'm horrified that this shit is going on under my roof, on my watch. All I can say is that having a career and my own income makes me feel a lot more empowered in my marriage and it would be a lot worse if I were a SAHM.

Hang on in there, it really sounds like you are doing your best. And all the best with your return to the workforce!

Ps apologies for the expletives in my post!

So what does he say when you point out that you do everything at home?

He doesn't need to cook, launder, that working as a team gives you both the maximum free time anyone is going to get?

If you split up he would have to work, then feed himself, wash clothes at the weekend, clean bathrooms, remember to buy toilet roll and toothpaste. Sort out his own fucking admin.

What does he say when you point out all the stuff he DOESN'T have to do right now?

Yes kids and jobs and houses and relationships all take time. He can choose to attack the one adult in the world who helps him or just grow up and get on with it.

This feels very similar to my situation.

Overwhelmed by the life he has chosen, and so it's fine to make me suffer because he's decided it's not really for him. Not that he'd ever say that.

When I point out how much I do, he counters with he does loads at home too.

When I point out he can work without any interruptions because I'm at home he says he spends loads of time with DC too.

I do actually want him to feel better but every time he opens his mouth it's adding fuel to the fury I feel inside.

I don't pull him up on the fact I see him having some easy day because it's received so badly. He gets annoyed and accuses me of being unsupportive and starts saying he must be imagining it all.

When I say other parents lives are similar he says no. No one else works hours as long as I do

Tbh i feel trapped and like an absolute mug. I had a great job pre-children and he encouraged me to give it up because of health concerns. Had I stayed I'd be in a far better position now.

I've spoken up for myself this morning and told him if he wants to go he should. I won't be kept dangling. I want to be supportive but I'm not an idiot who'll keep listening to a broken record

He's time poor but takes 40 minute showers? It sounds petty but by now, I'd be tempted to track his time for a week or two and present him with a colour- coded diagram. His time management sounds awful.

But what does he want time for? Can he not find an evening or two a week for a hobby?

His time management is horrific.

It has always been this way. Even before DC he would complain about not getting enough time for hobbies. When he had all the time in the world!

I didn't realise then what an issue it would be later down the line.

He has hobbies. One is computer based. During the first lockdown we had huge issues around him having no time to do anything for himself. It transpired he was spending 50% of his "work" time doing his hobby! But apparently that didn't count because he was always stuck in one room.

That was while we had a new born and a v young toddler I was on my knees and he was the one struggling apparently.

He has taken up a sport recently but again that doesn't seem to count.

Nothing ever counts!!

@ShimmyingThroughTheChaos I think you are right.

So many men simply cannot appear to cope with family life and your children and use their wives as emotional punching bags and complain about their mental health.

I tell my daughters, under any circumstances do not give up work for children.

Either you can afford childcare or you don't have them is my view.

Too many women think they are doing the right thing but all they are doing is making mens lives easier and their own more vulnerable.

I say this as someone who chose 20+ years ago to be a sahm, but I look back and WTF was I thinking giving up my excellent career and well paid job🙄.

Not a chance I would do it again.

I am very lucky, with a great respectful but I still think I was naive.

Stop trying to humour him.
Stop engaging with him.

You are giving his dreadful behaviour oxygen to abuse you further.

Tell him you will be returning to work ASAP as you are being abused by him and are no longer tolerating it.

Reach out to family and friends too, but focus on job hunting.

I'm so sorry things are so hard.

Extremely unattractive. Get back to work OP.