Finding it hard to support DH

[Whyemseeaye]

I think DH has burn out. We have talked about it, at length.

I am however finding it difficult to be supportive of him. His moods are awful and impacting the whole household.

I have highlighted this to him previously and he perks up for a few days and then it's back to the same thing.

He has said he will see a counsellor, but hasn't done so yet. I'm hoping he will do this next week.

I have implemented some changes to free up time for him. I don't feel this is recognised. It's like no matter what I do it's never enough.

Some minor irritation set him off last night and he got very annoyed and down. He then starts ranting at me, but says he's not blaming me. Although there is certainly an edge to it of me being at fault somehow.

We've now had another long talk this morning. He is worried about a breakdown and in wider conversation has said practically him moving out might make his life better. He says that's not what he wants but the pressure of work and parenthood is wearing him down.

I'm a SAHM and have said I feel very exposed so am going look for a full time job. Something I haven't done previously as I do everything at home so he will have even more responsibilities if I go back to work full time.

He says it won't make any difference to him as he can't have any less time than he already does.

It's made me feel like he can't see my contribution. I want to support him but I'm quite annoyed and just needed to vent. Congratulations if you made it to the end!!

I just don't want to be around him. He's such a drain on my energy.

These moods go on for days and I'm expected to just get on with it. I have to listen to the negativity and offer solutions. Which are never right.

When I dare to say how I feel I'm met with "I feel worse now. Wish I hadn't said anything"

🤯

My sympathies OP. I get this shit too and I try my best to just ignore it.

He works part time, I work full time but somehow he's always so busy and stressed. Like, fuck off and get some perspective you daft man!

I can very much relate to the anger you feel.

But he isn't managing him. Why are you making countless suggestions? Sit down and have a time management meeting with him. List all the chores. Write down how long each one takes. Deal out the chores so that you both agree who is doing what, and what fits into each of your schedules.

You're meant to be a team, not you being the boss and trying to train him up. Agree with him what you are going to do, and what will get left undone, because you are time poor too. Don't manage his stuff for him, or suggest how he can manage it. If he doesn't do the shopping, he gets no dinner. If he doesn't do the washing and get it dry, you've nothing to iron and he has no shirts. If he doesn't empty the dishwasher, leave his dinner in a pan and let him sort himself out.

Stop covering him.

How does he cope with time management at work? Deadlines always missed, jobs left unfinished, boss constantly on his back? Does he manage his time better there? If so, then he's simply prioritising differently from you. Does he actually care what gets done and what doesn't? Do you finish everything he starts, so that he doesn't notice that he's not doing stuff?

OP - have you told him you don't want to be around him? What does he say.
Personally i think he sounds like a self absorbed miserable bastard, he would be out the door.
Start putting yourself first - and the kids , before long this will start affecting them.

Thanks all for your support yesterday.

I've started doing some proper research in to F/T employment and the numbers are encouraging. I think having my own £ will give me a stronger sense of self, and put me in a better position.

I think my life has become quite small since becoming a SAHM and it has also put me in a weaker position than I had realised.

In answer so PP I have told DH I don't want to spend time with him previously. His mood will improve for a while but it's only very surface.

In terms of getting him to pull his weight at home etc. that's not really an issue. He doesn't expect waiting on and won't complain about not having dinner or clean clothes etc. but because I'm at home that is rare. But I know he wouldn't moan iyswim

The issue is more his miserable mood and the fact he seems to think he's doing more than everyone else when. The constant complaining about having no time It's draining and always comes out of nowhere and surprises me.

He always manages to get his work done. That seems to be his whole focus. Work comes first and the rest of us are a distraction from it. Well that's how it seems anyway.

I've decided to look at counselling for myself to navigate this because there has to be some boundaries and I find that hard. I'm also thinking of seeing a solicitor to understand where I'd stand if I get to the end of my tether with if all

@Whyemseeaye it sounds like you have an excellent game plan and you seem like a very sensible person. Your kids are very lucky to have you. Your husband's attitude and poor mood might improve once you return to the workforce and once your younger kid gets past the baby/toddler stage and becomes easier.... I think some men unfortunately behave worse when their wife is a SAHM and can really give in to their worse impulses when it comes to being selfish and generally difficult, and some cope really badly with the early years. But even so, he has let you down really badly in the past few years and showed a really unattractive side of himself. I imagine you have lost a lot of respect for him. It may be that he has become so entrenched in his self absorbed behaviour that he won't change, and that would be entirely his fault and not yours. Keep forging ahead and believe in yourself 💐 I hope there will be happier times ahead for you.

Ps I don't know what your line of work is but a lot of large corporates in my field are very keen to consider candidates that have taken career breaks due to caring responsibilities and are now looking to re-enter the workforce. I work for a fortune 500 firm and we literally have a statement about this at the bottom of all our new job ads.

Also, a bit of a tangent, but I have an ex colleague that I was good pals with who sounds really like your DH. Always making heavy weather of family life despite having a wonderful, intelligent and caring SAHM wife and two delightful kids. My DH and I used to see him socially on a regular basis but I've dropped contact with him because his attitude really stinks. I literally do not understand what is wrong with some men.

Sancerre would be a better option.

During the first lockdown we had huge issues around him having no time to do anything for himself. It transpired he was spending 50% of his "work" time doing his hobby! But apparently that didn't count because he was always stuck in one room.

That was while we had a new born and a v young toddler Confused I was on my knees and he was the one struggling apparently.

This is one of the worst things I've read on here, and I've been here for years and years. He doesn't respect you, or care about you, or love you, or like you. How could he do that to you if he had any shred of concern for you!?

I don't think he has burn out. I think he's a man-child who can't understand that adults have to, you know, adult. Someone posted a while ago about men with Peter Pan syndrome seeming to genuinely believe that everyone in the whole world was lying to them about it being quite a lot of work having kids, with very little free time. That's why it never "counts". It never will.

So you have people IRL you can talk to honestly about your relationship? It is awful that he treats you in this way. You deserve much, much better.