Hurting so much

[Painfulj]

He claimed to love me, want a future, we were making plans to move in together. First man in my life I trusted and believed. We had a holiday booked in a few weeks. Then he went cold. Said he didn’t know what he wanted. Needed space and time to figure it out. Work was stressful. Agreed to give him space. Found him on a dating app as something didn’t feel right so I went looking. He pleaded with me to give him time, he was on the app after we argued a few weeks ago but he wasn’t looking. He was distraught he’d hurt me. Then later after a few home truths from my side, he said he didn’t feel enough for me and he wanted time and didn’t want me waiting for him.

I am crushed. It hurts so, so deep.

I want to move on and forget about it but the pain is too much and I’m struggling.

Help.

He was distraught he’d hurt me

No. He wasn’t.

how long were you with him?

This sounds almost unrelentingly depressing for a relationship op

His no good for you and doesn’t love you, his keeping his options open I’m afraid.

It’s hard being heart broken, but heartbreak always makes us wiser, you will learn from this and not make the same mistake again, words are empty, it’s action that counts.

You will get over it eventually but it takes time, so give yourself time. Sorry you’re going through this, it’s sucks.

Classic love bombing unfortunately, some men will future fake to use you. If anyone was discussing moving in together in the first few months, it's a warning, you don't know each other well enough. Judge their motives when seem consistently reliable, you've already been on holiday, a year down the line, they still can't wait to see you and make plans, then it could be heading for something serious.

Just go no contact, and get back out there, pining everyday won't get you over it, date again, you will be more cautious next time.

He wasn't upset he had hurt you he was upset you had found him on a dating app, I know that sounds harsh but he's not the man you thought he was or a man you should waste any more time on .

I’ve been cautious my whole life. I usually have such a good judge of character. He pulled the wool over my eyes and my family and friends. No lessons to learn here. Back on the dating app but nobody wants a woman my age. It’s not like I’m deliberately sat here pining. I’m hurting. Usually I bounce back from break ups, but this one stings really, really badly.

I’m looking for advice on how to handle the pain.

I’m looking for advice on how to handle the pain.

keep rereading your own OP to remind yourself what a cheating rat he was

The holiday was meant to be next week
He kept going on, and on about it
I suggested a staycation, but no, he wanted to go abroad
I booked it on my credit card
I managed to get half from him - I had to chase him a week after he dumped me

of course he’d never offer to pay for the whole thing, despite the fact that he wanted it, and has now left me in the lurch

I won’t go on the holiday and it’s too short notice to take anyone with me

I mean, who does this ?? Book a holiday then dump a few weeks later.

I was so good to him. He always said what a good friend I was to him, and how lucky he was to be with me 🤷‍♀️

At least treat me with decency and respect.

I think you should go on the holiday!

I can’t face going on the holiday alone while I am feeling this way. I’m booking another holiday for later in the year.

I'll go on the holiday 😂

@Painfulj im sorry, OP. I’ve just exited a short relationship following a holiday together and I know how you’re feeling. See my post if you want to compare notes!

things that have helped me:

• write a list of the things he did/attributes you didn’t like. When you’re feeling wobbly refer to the list. There are bound to be things separate to what you listed here
• Exercise - it’s hard to cry and sweat at the same time
• book a trip/meeting with lovely funny and uplifting people. I don’t think this trip would be good for you without him with you but a lot depends on your framing of the situation

Things will feel better and make sense in time. But don’t try to figure him out. It won’t help!

Thank you 33goingunder and sorry you’ve been through a break up too. I am booking another holiday, one which he could never have afforded, so I can really treat myself. There will be lots of solo travelers like myself. So I’m looking forward to that.

But it doesn’t take away the feeling of being punched in my gut. He had many, many flaws but I did fall for him. First time in over 15 years. And it was all a lie? I feel like such a stupid person.

Just read your other thread 33goingunder

Sounds similar - my guy also switched over night after being extremely, extremely keen

I’ve had many boyfriends over the years and I usually come back straight away

but I’m in a real funk about this one - possibly because of my age too. Im older than you. You’re still so, so young and will meet someone!

So will you @Painfulj - if that’s what you want! By virtue of the fact you feel stupid it sounds like you’re more upset with yourself rather than him.

Well, I’m stupid to have believed I met someone special. And stupid to still be hurting over him. 🤷‍♀️

Do you have children OP?

anyone at all you could go with?

do you work? It’s all about distraction distraction distraction

Fillyourshoes no children. It’s far too late in terms of notice, everyone I know works etc. I’ll book something for later in the year.

Yes I do work. and keep life busy. But still. I guess time is the only thing.

Hi OP. It hard i know. I didn't have a relationship till.my mid 40s and in my first relationship of two and h years, a week after my mom.died he dumped me over the fone. I was distraught and probably 5k out of pocket. After a couple of weeks of feelin crap I told myself I was not crying over him any longer. Cut if u want to but think to urself he wasn't fir u. The pain will fade. Concentrate on self care and enjoying being single. Hand hold

Op how long were you with him?

Hi OP, recently gone through the same. It is awful isnt it? So much pain that won't just go away. I have coped by keeping busy as much as possible, doing things that keep my mind 'in the moment' cos if I have any time to dwell, I do. But it is awful and I don't know when it is going to pass.

Hope someone can tell me if I am being silly. I have been most of my life a strong single parent bringing up the kids - giving them my last ounce of emotional and financial support. They are now adults but I still remain very supportive and encouraging. There Dad lives in a nice house. I live in a rough house but it’s home. My adult son is bringing his girlfriend from abroad - I said he probs would not want to bring her here and he did not disagree. I found out he is taking her to stay at his Dad’s. I have no beef with the ex and his wife, I divorced him cos I didn’t live him any more and he did the absolute minimum bringing them up. He was always more financially mean whilst I sweated and gave them my last shekel.Am I right to be upset they are staying there or just being an idiot. Please advise?

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