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Original poster

Told "politely" not to go near husband's friend's wife *trigger warning miscarriage*

34 replies

Gurlonfiya · 07/07/2023 20:19

I'm reflecting a lot right now as I am soon getting divorced. I now have DH out of my space and he's living with friends temporarily.

I'm reflecting on the things I went through in my marriage with him and one thing that really stands out is how I was treated when I was pregnant by his friends. His friend and his wife miscarried at 8 weeks during my first pregnancy and I was told by his friend that his wife "could not be around" me. I respected this, but it meant that I couldn't attend any events with DH and his friends throughout my pregnancy. DH just gladly left me at home. I developed PND during and after pregnancy and became quite poorly.

She fell pregnant again a few months later but seemingly still could not stand to be around our child or me and so when other females in the group had their babies around the same time, I was left out of playdates. This doesn't seem very nice?

DH brushed it all under the carpet at the time and now he's accused me of disliking his friends as one of the reasons for our separation. He is right, I didn't like them, but it feels upsetting that he's using this against me given my outing in the group.

It hurt that he continued his friendship with them afterwards and although I completely empathise with the way she must have felt at the time, to continue outing me and my child seems a bit horrible?

OP posts:
Smoothiecarton · 07/07/2023 20:21

Sounds like he socialises with his own type,(arseholes) not unusual . You dodged a bullet really cos you’re not enmeshed with them and can cut them all loose now.

HaitiHavana · 07/07/2023 20:42

That’s very poor behavior. How would she deal with pregnant women in shops, at her workplace, anywhere really… it’s not like you were the only pregnant woman and so you were the only one that could upset her. I feel sorry for her and I understand how she must have been feeling, but really your husband should have stood by you and told her ok that’s fine, but I’m going to stay at home with my wife just incase she feels a bit left out.

The continuing to leave you out is something I could not get over. There’s clearly another reason for this, not related to children. Every other female was invited to play dates, obviously she had gotten over the being around pregnant people or people with kids, so why continue to treat you like a leper? Honestly, no wonder you didn’t like these people.

FlounderingFruitcake · 07/07/2023 20:47

Sounds like he socialises with his own type,(arseholes) not unusual

First post nails it. He socialised with his own kind. Don’t waste your headspace on it.

MissChanandlerB0NG · 07/07/2023 21:01

Smoothiecarton · 07/07/2023 20:21

Sounds like he socialises with his own type,(arseholes) not unusual . You dodged a bullet really cos you’re not enmeshed with them and can cut them all loose now.

Exactly this!

Elieza · 07/07/2023 21:05

The friends sound horrible. Glad you’re away from them. You deserve better.

Namechangeforthis88 · 07/07/2023 21:05

Do you only have his word for it that she didn't even you around?

Agoodidea · 07/07/2023 21:12

I don’t understand your point as by your own admission you didn’t like them so why should they like you?
And if you’re now divorcing, you and your husband don’t like each other very much either.

So, just let it go and focus on building a happier life with people around you that you actually like.

Lavender14 · 07/07/2023 21:14

I'm torn on this tbh. If you had your child around the same time she'd have had the child that she lost I can understand why seeing your child might be a huge trigger for her and be be painful for her even later on. Having a second pregnancy doesn't make the first loss go away. It doesn't sound like she dealt with it terribly well but then who does. It maybe became too awkward/ difficult to do things differently as time went on. You say you didn't like them - it's also possible that she picked up on that and didn't feel it was worth making herself upset or uncomfortable for someone who she didn't really connect with. And if she's an established member of the friendship group and likes the people in the group I don't see why she should have to stay home alone without going to see her friends. But then equally it's unfair not to invite you. I think it's just a shit situation all round. One of my friends had a loss and I haven't seen her since I fell pregnant because she stopped going to anything I was at. Totally understand where she was coming from but it actually separated her from our friendship group because we only really hang out in a group setting. Why should she lose friend's she actually likes so you can be around people you don't like. Tbh I'm not sure what I'd want dh to do in that scenario but I wouldn't want him to lose his mates over it. I think I'd have tried to make my own group separately and invest in them instead and let him do his own thing? But when you're in the trenches and hormones are everywhere that's so much easier said than done.

FuckNuggets · 07/07/2023 21:15

Agoodidea · 07/07/2023 21:12

I don’t understand your point as by your own admission you didn’t like them so why should they like you?
And if you’re now divorcing, you and your husband don’t like each other very much either.

So, just let it go and focus on building a happier life with people around you that you actually like.

What I got from the OP was that she didn't like his friends because they treated her like shit for no reason. So of course she isn't going to like them.

QueensBees · 07/07/2023 21:18

Did the friends tell you that or did your DH to,d You thé wife couldn’t cope with you around?
And what did he tell said friends about you that they didn’t want you around? That you trapped him by stopping contraception or something along those lines?

Now he might not have done any of that and decided to stay friends with people who were happy to exclude you.
But the timing makes me things he, at east, encouraged that iyswim

Original poster
Gurlonfiya · 07/07/2023 21:18

Namechangeforthis88 · 07/07/2023 21:05

Do you only have his word for it that she didn't even you around?

It was her husband who told me this @Namechangeforthis88 and it was clear from her behaviour that it was true

OP posts:
xyz111 · 07/07/2023 21:21

Sounds horrible, but at least now you don't need to deal with them. You didn't like them anyway, and they don't sound like nice people either. Just forget about them all and enjoy your new life 😀

Original poster
Gurlonfiya · 07/07/2023 21:21

One of the friends told me himself @QueensBees DH was in denial when I told him what had been said

OP posts:
Gagaandgag · 07/07/2023 21:25

first post 👍

When we finally conceived via ivf one of my DH friends was incredibly rude to me (they were having trouble conceiving) I’ve never forgotten it. Im still with dh and we don’t see the ‘friends’ anymore.
I get it - it can be very painful but it is not in the slightest bit right to take your pain out oj others

Mama678 · 07/07/2023 21:25

Just be grateful you're not still in that circle of “mates”

Ghosttofu99 · 07/07/2023 21:31

Agoodidea · 07/07/2023 21:12

I don’t understand your point as by your own admission you didn’t like them so why should they like you?
And if you’re now divorcing, you and your husband don’t like each other very much either.

So, just let it go and focus on building a happier life with people around you that you actually like.

I think op meant that she stopped liking them after they ostracised her from her entire social group while she was struggling with PND not that she never liked them to begin with.

MysteryBelle · 07/07/2023 21:55

Op, she is a bitch and you were excluded, bullied, and horribly mistreated by her, and her minions which include your h, while you were pregnant.

You are very very fortunate to be disentangling yourself from this group of snakes and divorcing the little ass who does her bidding.

The problem now is that you have a child with this loser and your child will likely be manipulated by him and the vipers he serves.

Because your soon t be ex is so manipulative and sly and abusive, it is best, excluding the most basic talk of shared child, to only speak to him through a lawyer you trust that has no affiliation with any of them. If there is any possible way to minimize contact that is harmful to your child, do it. If he really loved his child, he would have loved his child’s mother and put her well being above game playing abusers. Outrageous gaslighting from him, outrageous that this woman told him to not being you to events, that is beyond any standard of decency. He will continue to gaslight you even after you’re divorced, using your child as his pawn.

MysteryBelle · 07/07/2023 22:01

I hope you find many lovely supportive guileless friends and a very decent man of integrity to surround you, love you and your child, and stand with you against these vipers who targeted you. If that decent man is extremely handsome and very rich and well connected, all the better.

Op, you deserve a wonderful life with wonderful people in it. This is your new beginning. Let a well equipped and competent lawyer deal with their antics, a lawyer who makes sure you and your child are protected as much as possible. 💐🍫💐👸💐

QueensBees · 07/07/2023 22:04

Gurlonfiya · 07/07/2023 21:21

One of the friends told me himself @QueensBees DH was in denial when I told him what had been said

And still, even he was told (by you/his own friends), he chose them over you.

Says a lot about him.
Very little about you.
Also says a lot about the female friend - whatever the reason, and however heartbreaking a miscarriage is, she behaved badly. In those circumstances, people tend to exclude themselves, not exclude others.

Nogbadthebad · 07/07/2023 22:04

'One of my friends had a loss and I haven't seen her since I fell pregnant because she stopped going to anything I was at.'

That's the difference though - OP was left out, it wasn't the friend deciding to stay away.

Sounds as if you're well rid OP. Try not to dwell.

Creative34 · 07/07/2023 22:43

I wouldn’t have put up with this

If the wife couldn’t stand to be around me then she should have stayed at home.

Not a chance I would let someone dictate when I was going out or who with because of their own issues. They need to suck it up.

And yes, I’ve had two miscarriages - one in the second trimester. It’s awful and devastating and you never forget but you don’t punish others because it didn’t work out.

Lucky escape and don’t dwell on it - they wouldn’t have been the type of people you would have wanted to be friends with anyways. Who wants to socialise with non inclusive bitches? Life is too short

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/07/2023 22:56

Your ex-husband has found his tribe. Thank God you are separating.

MMmomDD · 08/07/2023 00:07

OP - is there a reason you are focusing on his specific memory from the past?
Group dynamics are complicated. And - my guess it all started with the miscarriage/triggering. And then just stuck.
You say you didn’t like DH’s friends - so this must not have been a secret. These things are hard to hide.
Your only connection to these women is that you all are married to men who are friends. That doesn’t necessarily make you natural friends.

If your H rwally suggests they the main reason you are getting divorce is you not getting along with his friends - it’s just juvenile.

7eleven · 08/07/2023 00:38

Oh lovey, you’re tying to make sense out of nonsense. They all sound horrible and you’re well rid. Sod them and get on with your life.

Londisc · 08/07/2023 00:44

First post nailed it as does the last one above mine - don't try to make sense of nonsense. There is no justification for the way you were treated. The only explanation is that they are utter areseholes.