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Original poster

Game over ?

37 replies

Isitoverkk · 07/07/2023 16:24

I’m late 30s

I fell totally in love with someone recently who turned out to be using me for company and sex, despite him promising commitment and more. My family and friends even loved him. Before him, I was stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship. It was awful. I had no hope until I met the recent guy. Now I’m crushed even more.

Both men have moved on and are loved up. My abusive ex is getting married. Recent one cheated on me and is seeing someone new.

Meanwhile, I’m hurting deeply and struggling to get any decent attention on a dating app.

I’m so low - it feels like it’s game over.

Who is going to want an overweight late 30s woman who wants to have a family?

there’s a distinct lack of decent men at the best of times.

I do wonder if it weren’t for my mum and dad, I may actually consider ending it.

I have a great job, my place, and some friends who are all busy. Yet I feel so painfully low and lonely.

I always wanted a partner and family but it seems impossible for me.

I had always been so optimistic and sought therapy and my therapist said I was wonderful and would make a great partner.

I’m often told how beautiful and lovely I am by colleagues, even strangers.

Yet there just doesn’t seem to be anyone for me. And my fertility is now on the cusp of being lost.

Any warm advice would be gratefully received.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 07/07/2023 16:35

If you want to have a child - just do it on your own. You have a good job and family support.

Take your fertility in your own hands and don’t put all your hopes and dreams on some guy.

You only have a short window of fertility left. So - have the child. And you can continue looking for a partner later.

It’s not the ‘dream’ life you have imagined. But life doesn’t owe us to deliver that dream. So - chuck the mental image of what you wanted your life to be and play with the cards you’ve been dealt.
There are many paths to happiness

Watchkeys · 07/07/2023 16:46

What are you doing to make yourself happy outside of the relationship idea?

Singleaftermarriage · 07/07/2023 17:21

I always said if I didn't meet someone by my mid 30s I would have children alone. I did meet someone, have 2 kids and he cheated on me and we are divorcing! So I'm on my own anyway but with the kids. So if you want children, have them. They are what give me joy.

Original poster
Isitoverkk · 07/07/2023 17:24

MMmomDD it may well be that I do it alone, once I can get over this pain and can adjust. I’ve tried so hard to meet someone. It cuts so deep I’ve not been able to meet a single decent guy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitoverkk · 07/07/2023 17:25

Watchkeys Plenty. I travel. I’ve lived abroad. Gym. Running group. Family and friends. My life is full but also extremely lonely.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitoverkk · 07/07/2023 17:26

Singleaftermarriage 💜

OP posts:
Summer2424 · 07/07/2023 17:30

Hi @Isitoverkk no pls don't think it's game over! I've been where you are, omg all of those ex's moved on and had kids but here was me still single. But honestly your day will come, it will, just pls don't give up.
I ended up marrying someone so gorgeous and so much better than my ex's. You stay strong ok, look after yourself, stay gorgeous and positive, you got this 💪xx

Watchkeys · 07/07/2023 17:31

Isitoverkk · 07/07/2023 17:25

Watchkeys Plenty. I travel. I’ve lived abroad. Gym. Running group. Family and friends. My life is full but also extremely lonely.

But if those things were making you happy, then you'd be happy, wouldn't you. So they're missing the mark, and you need to try other things. Travel is great, but you're home right now. Having lived abroad is great. But you're home right now. Running group is great, but it's not doing what you need. Family and friends aren't filling the gap. What you're doing for you isn't working.

When's the last time you were really happy? Beaming smile that you found hard to switch off or even dim for the sake of not glaring everyone with your teeth?

Original poster
Isitoverkk · 07/07/2023 17:33

Watchkeys I’m unhappy because I don’t have a partner or family. Not because my hobbies aren’t fulfilling me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitoverkk · 07/07/2023 17:33

Summer2424 Thank you 💜 how old were you when you met your partner? So glad it worked out for you.

OP posts:
Summer2424 · 07/07/2023 17:47

Hi @Isitoverkk i met him at 40 years old and had a baby at 41 years old xx
It's like i got more in a space of 2 years then i did in 10 years.
Stay strong, you will get there! Xx

Original poster
Isitoverkk · 07/07/2023 17:49

Summer2424 oh so happy for you. How did you meet? And how long ago was it? Xx

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 07/07/2023 17:59

Isitoverkk · 07/07/2023 17:33

Watchkeys I’m unhappy because I don’t have a partner or family. Not because my hobbies aren’t fulfilling me.

So the only way you can be happy is by having a partner? Why is that?

Summer2424 · 07/07/2023 18:06

Hi @Isitoverkk we met on OLD, it's been a while now. Things are not so great atm but i think that's just ups n downs of relationships xx

Pinkbonbon · 07/07/2023 18:10

I'm actually going to disagree with all the do it alone posts.

Raising a kid alone is hard. And if it's unnecessary, bloody well don't do it. And it's not necessary.

If you think dating hard now, try do it with kids!
Not to mention if you think its lonely now, try not being able to go anywhere or do anything as you have to look after under 5s.

Just, don't.

If the whole 2.5 kids and a hubby dream isn't working out then look to other dreams. For now at least. Don't spend your life grieving over things that haven't happened. You've another 50 years left probably in which you can go on a million adventures and will meet many men.

As for the abuser that left you, he'll never be happy because he isn't capable of love. Qnd the cheating tosspot, well I'm betting his current relationship won't last long either.

Men will come and go. You gotta be your own person.

You'll get through this. But don't spend your life pining after what ifs. Fuck it. Go have another adventure.

ISeeTrees · 07/07/2023 18:31

Watchkeys · 07/07/2023 17:59

So the only way you can be happy is by having a partner? Why is that?

Show quote history

Watchkeys your advice is usually pretty sound so this is disappointing - obviously the OP wants a partner and a family of her own, and she feels having that will make her happy. It's all well and good being "strong independent single woman" if that's what you want but some of us do just want our own family bubble and it's nothing to be ashamed of- and it certainly isn't the same thing as "needing a man to be happy". (Hope I haven't overstepped there OP).
I don't necessarily have the answer either but I have done the marriage/kids thing and it didn't work out for me either- he cheated and left. I'd never be without DC but I cannot imagine how difficult it would've been to do it alone from the start, it's hard enough now, but that could just be me!

getafringenotbotox · 07/07/2023 19:24

A partner and marriage are not all it's cracked up to be for me.

I married my ex because he asked me and I was pregnant. I was frightened of being on my own.

Fast forward - he nearly bankrupted me to save himself, had me over with a house sale, doesn't pay any interest or CMS until this year for our daughter. She's 12. He still pays minimal interest in her.

I wish I'd of done it on my own. He is neither use nor ornament.

MMmomDD · 07/07/2023 20:52

@Pinkbonbon

OP has family, who I am guessing would help of she had a baby. And kids don’t stay under 5 forever.

Yes - dating with a small baby isn’t easy. But it’s not for long.
And it is certainly easier to date without the pressure of finding a partner to settle down and have kids with.
Plenty of people date as single parents - either by choice or after divorce.

I don’t think one has to give up on having kids - if they don’t meet Prince Charming during the short fertility window nature has given us.

@Isitoverkk - stop feeling sorry for yourself. Meetings or not meeting the man of your dreams is a function of luck, and your expectations. It isn’t a reflection of your worth.
If you want to have a child - get yourself to a doctor and start the process.

Original poster
Isitoverkk · 07/07/2023 21:02

Thank you MMmomDD good advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitoverkk · 07/07/2023 21:03

Sorry to hear about your experience getafringenotbotox and I’m glad your daughter has you

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitoverkk · 07/07/2023 21:03

Thanks for sharing ISeeTrees

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Original poster
Isitoverkk · 07/07/2023 21:04

Good advice Pinkbonbon

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2023 21:08

How recent was the last relationship you were in? How long were you together?

anthurium · 07/07/2023 21:08

@Isitoverkk

I'm a solo parent/mother by choice and had my child using a sperm donor aged 39.

Op, you need to be honest with yourself and decide what's more important: a chance at your own family via a sperm donor or pursuing a dating/relationship, as both may not be possible.

Trying on your own eliminates someone else wasting your time, being on someone else's clock. There are no guarantees that IUI/IVF would work. You can only try, if you decide it's the right path for you.

I absolutely have no regrets, it is the best decision I've made. I'd still be on the apps, waiting and hoping, and at 41, who knows what state my fertility would be at..I know how utterly miserable that space is; hoping to meet someone....just wanting to have a normal relationship...it was the most despondent and anxiety provoking time of my life, constant stress whether the next date would work out or not... awful. I had to stop and reconsider alternatives.

I now have no real interest in a relationship, maybe when my son is older, but to be dating the way I used to? No way.

Happy to answer any questions you may have about solo parenting! Good luck with whatever you decide.

Original poster
Isitoverkk · 07/07/2023 21:11

anthurium thank you, I would love to ask some questions. Can I send you a direct message?

OP posts:
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