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Original poster

What would you do?

28 replies

Elizabeth667 · 07/07/2023 14:44

Currently on a lovely holiday with DC. They are two and four Nearly divorced ex husband had multiple affairs, some with married women and most recently broke up another family with his infidelity. We are separated with email only contact due to abuse on his part. He has requested to video the call the children on holiday. I sent an email confirming safe arrival and a time when we would be available for video call. I am reluctant to let him see where we are staying as he had suggested before about coming and taking the children for a day of contact which wasn’t going to happen.
I loathed to continue checking my email as this holiday is respite for me too after horrendous abuse. But yet I have now had two separate emails changing the video call time twice with no reason as to why.
It would be a short call I can’t see why he can’t just an accommodate as before he was laying the guilt on thick to the four year old about missing him.
What would you do?
Many thanks.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/07/2023 14:50

He was abusive when you were together and he has not changed one bit now you are apart. Now he is abusing you via the children and he cares not a not for them either. He messing about with video calling them is his way of further punishing you. I would inform your solicitor of this from him. How close are you now to being divorced?. If he does want to see them(doubtful really as he is not thinking of them at all) he needs to see then whilst supervised and in a contact centre. Do not go to mediation nor ever make any informal arrangements re contact with this man. I would also contact Women’s Aid here for their advice.

massiveclamps · 07/07/2023 14:56

This is just another way of him being an abusive shit towards you and getting inside your head to mess you around.

There's only one thing to do and that is to stop checking your emails. If he wants a video call, then tough. He's chopped and changed enough times already, and you do not have to dance to his tune any more.

Fraaahnces · 07/07/2023 15:03

He’s just trying to ensure you can’t relax and have fun on holidays because he knows he’ll be in your head. Just send him an email stating that due to his changes, he can FaceTime when you’re back. No reason why either. Just say no.

Grendell · 07/07/2023 15:06

He's making sure he ruins your holiday. He is still abusive. I would be unavailable for any call.

Pinkbonbon · 07/07/2023 15:13

I would have said no from the start. You're on holiday.

Tbf I wouldn't want him around the kids at all if he was abusive to you. Bullies don't belong around children.

I'd either go for full custody or, if not possible, limit three contact they have with him as much ad possible.

He's just being the typical narcissist, wants your thoughts to be only about him so can stand that you're free, on holiday.

Tell him he can wait and don't check emails again till you are home.

EL8888 · 07/07/2023 15:16

Fraaahnces · 07/07/2023 15:03

He’s just trying to ensure you can’t relax and have fun on holidays because he knows he’ll be in your head. Just send him an email stating that due to his changes, he can FaceTime when you’re back. No reason why either. Just say no.

This. He’s chopping and changing things to manipulate and control things. Personally l would over 3 day / time slots DC are available. Why is he dictating when it happens?

Brightonbus · 07/07/2023 15:17

Do you share custody of the children? If video calls were agreed before you went on holiday, I would let the children contact their father.

Stratocumulus · 07/07/2023 15:17

Just stop checking your phone. He’s had his chances.
What can he do about it?
My only rider would be that he might be spiteful & do something you don’t appreciate in return sometime but I’d take a chance on that.
I hope you’re having fun. Just put him on the back burner for now.

Dacadactyl · 07/07/2023 15:19

I'd give him a time slot that's convenient for you and say "we are available at xxx time. If you're not, it'll have to wait til we get back".

Then don't check anything until the time slot. If he doesn't show up for the call, it's on him.

Don't tell the kids about the call until he's definitely on it.

Jongleterre · 07/07/2023 15:25

Two options.

Either give him the one and only time slot that suits you.

Or don't reply and say upon your returns you were not at his beck and call and he mess d you around with the times so you stopped looking at emails and enjoyed your holiday.

massiveclamps · 07/07/2023 15:30

Brightonbus · 07/07/2023 15:17

Do you share custody of the children? If video calls were agreed before you went on holiday, I would let the children contact their father.

The children are too little to contact their father independently, they are both under 4.

FartSock5000 · 07/07/2023 16:09

@Elizabeth667 Stop pandering to him. You agreed a time and he has broken that. Unless he was really apologetic and suggested something reasonable, you don't have to do anything else at all other than let him know you landed safely.

This is YOUR show. You decide when and where. He does as he is told or he gets no response.

If this ever goes to court, all you have to show is that you tried. You agreed to the vid call and you made the children available on the agreed time. It was Ex who changed things.

Well done on getting yourself free. The trauma bond can make that really hard.

Epidote · 07/07/2023 16:25

He is taking the piss. As PP have said is making sure you don't enjoy your holidays.
One call one appointment only if he doesn't stick to it his loss.

SpringleDingle · 07/07/2023 16:48

I’d have said no from the start and I’d text on arrival. In your position now I’d say no, you know we got here fine and we aren’t waiting in for your ever changing call time. You can see the kids at your next contact time. I never see DD when she is with her dad unless she chooses to call me (she’s 12 now but have been divorced 5 years).

Original poster
Elizabeth667 · 07/07/2023 21:22

Thank you kind and wise posters - it is so hard to distinguish reality from complete fuckedupness as the level of gaslighting endured has left me unable to see any good in myself and I always feel like I am in the wrong. Always.
I wish I had taken your advice. I facilitated the video call tonight. My four year old was questioned for around five minutes. Towards the end, up to the third point I was busting elsewhere, I jollied along saying great tell daddy you will see him again when you’re home. To which my ex husband says to my four year old, maybe you can call me again tomorrow evening. So I will have a confused four year old who feels obliged to make another video call.
Welcome to life after separating from a narcissist.
On a side note, I know they are away from and I’m sure he’s missing them but if they were on holiday with him, I would not want them in the position of having to video me on consecutive evenings. I would have reassured on the video call that I loved and that would see them soon. Argggh!

OP posts:
Original poster
Elizabeth667 · 07/07/2023 21:23

Sorry that should say bustling around whilst the video call was happening.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 07/07/2023 21:26

Just tell the 4 year old you've told daddy you'll call when you get home instead.

Keep the computer off.
Fuck pandering to him.

Jongleterre · 07/07/2023 21:29

Well tomorrow, the internet will be down won't it?

Daddy won't mind as he will see you when you get back and you can tell him all about our holiday then.

KomodoDodo · 07/07/2023 21:36

I wouldnt even bring it up with the kids tomorrow. Kids that age forget easily…esp if they are having fun. If they ask then I’d go with the pp ‘oh dear the video isnt working’ and then block him til you get back.

Original poster
Elizabeth667 · 07/07/2023 21:45

I wish it were as easy at that. Four year is already conditioned to please daddy and will panic if he can’t call.

OP posts:
Jordanrose · 07/07/2023 21:55

I’m going to go against the grain here, you said it was a 5minute chat? They obviously miss each other and I would wish to check in daily too if my child was away from me. Otherwise you may be accused of alienation

Original poster
Elizabeth667 · 07/07/2023 21:59

Appreciate the opinion. I too would miss my children but I would also know that video calling each day going through question and question of what they were doing was just not beneficial. Surely is it not better to reassure you child, I love and I’m
glad you’re having a good time and I will see you when we’re home which is in three days time. Notwithstanding the fact that my husband knows I am very uncomfortable probably frightened in presence and we have no contact only email
because of abuse.

OP posts:
123youandme3 · 07/07/2023 22:07

This sounds like a really tough situation. Can I ask the nature of the abuse? Do you worry for your children in his hands?

Original poster
Elizabeth667 · 07/07/2023 22:17

Emotional abuse - intense gaslighting - throwing/ breaking things in the house to frighten me into submission. I could go on but I’m in therapy and currently on holiday so would rather not go into specifics.
I don’t necessarily fear for children’s safety although emotionally, probably ☹️

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/07/2023 22:31

Tell DC that Daddy was mistaken and you only video call once per week.