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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

abusive boyfriend plaese help me.

26 replies

klover · 24/02/2008 16:40

please help me

my relationship with my boyfriend has gradually gotten worse and worse since the birth of my daughter who is almost 2. I feel i dont know what to do anymore. i made a big mistake a long time ago by hitting my boyfriend around the face, it was a result of me feeling so angry. He would dissapear for hours on end, not come home he would ignore my phone calls. i felt as though i was bringing my daughter up on my own. i bathed her, fed her did everything for her and my boyfriend made no effort to help. My boyfriend quit his job 6months ago as he said he was suffering with depression, he goes out most nights and sleeps most days. He is taking anidepressants and sleeping tablets. He has a bad temper and if i push things too far or shout at him he gets verbally abusive and pushes me around. He always says that i'm the one that made this relationship violent and its my fault. My friends and family tell me to leave it dont argue with him just let him do what he wants, but i cant help it, the anger of what he's doing to this family builds up and i cant leave it. i told him today that i didn't want to be in this relationship anymore, and he just lay there and told me leave him alone, and that he didn't care. i got so angry i pulled him around to face me on the bed and talk to me and then he started getting violent. we have been arguing all day, everytime i tell him i'm not changing my mind he starts pushing me around again. he has gone back to sleep now, but has unplugged all the phones and smashed up my mobile phone so i cant call anyone. i'm so tired and bruised. i have no friends or family to go and stay with, i wouldn't even have money for food if i left. i dont know what to do. we own our house, its a joint mortgage he refuses to leave. he says if i leave him he will try and get my daughter from me. she is everything to me, my life and soul. please help.

OP posts:
kayzisbroody · 24/02/2008 16:44

Look up refuges on the internet, find one near you and get your dd and go!!
They will make sure you are both fed and if it's a joint mortage you'll get money from the house.

Or ring the police!!!

TrixieVix · 24/02/2008 16:49

Oh my love - makes me realise my 'problems' are nothing.

Get your DD and get out - I work for the local authority and have frequent dealings with the Homelessness Team and Women's Aid. They will help you and provide you with refuge. Nothing is worth staying in a violent relationship, and if that's the case, he won't be given custody of your DD anyway would he?

pedilia · 24/02/2008 16:49

You need to get out, I know it is hard I have been where you are but you have to do it, this situation is only going to get worse not better!
All of this will be having an impact on your daughter, as Kay says if you have nowhere else to go ring a refuge and go there.

Only you can change this situation for you and your DD

clumsymum · 24/02/2008 16:55

You have to get away from him, and end this NOW.

Do not wait around letting him 'push you about' until you get seriously hurt. Your daughter needs you.

Don't worry about his threats to take your daughter away. Most men in a compromised situation threaten this, but wouldn't know how to start, and the huge majority don't have a chance of succeeding, even if they do fight over it in court.

Get him away from you and your child immediately, tonight if you can.

If your daughter is everything to you, then protect yourself for her. Go, NOW.

Blueskythinker · 24/02/2008 16:58

Get out now. Is this your only way of communicating with anyone? Have you a neighbour you can go to? Do you need anyone on MN to make a call on your behalf?

Forget about blaming yourself for previous incident, everyone makes mistakes - I know I have.

Flllightattendant · 24/02/2008 16:58

You need to think clearly for a minute, and try and get together all your important documents - savings books, passports for you and dd, house deeds etc. whatever you have got.
Don't worry if you forget other stuff as you can return later with a police escort.
Womensaid has a website if you google it, ring them and they will help you, get to a refuge - your loal council or police will also have a domestic violence team, and know what to do - seriously it will be fine, you can get away from him and people are in place to protect you and deal with any fallout.
Do it asap. Do you have any family around to support you emotionally a bit?

Original poster
klover · 24/02/2008 16:58

i guess in a way you try to kid yourself into believing that things will get better, but i know you are all right. i know we are safe for tonight, he is going out, i feel so sad for my dd that i have to take her away from her home, from her toys. i will call womens aid when i can. thankyou for your kind messages. i just want to be away from all of this, and to be safe.

OP posts:
Flllightattendant · 24/02/2008 17:00

Sorry I realise now you haven't family around and can't make phone calls. Can you get to a phone box with Dd while he is asleep, ring the police, seriously they will help you.
Where are you, one of us might be nearby to help.

Original poster
klover · 24/02/2008 17:02

the only family around are his family, i asked them for help but they wont stand up to him. i am going to get a friend to come around tonight so that we are safe. and we will leave tomorrow.

OP posts:
Flllightattendant · 24/02/2008 17:03

Its Ok love - while he is out, sort out a few things to take with you, then put them somewhere like a wardrobe but not packed so it isn't obvious - then when you're ready to leave, bung them quickly into binbags and out to taxi or whatever.
Don't tell him you intend to leave. He might get out of control, men like this are at their most dangerous when their partners try to leave.
DON'T tell him you are even thinking about it.

colditz · 24/02/2008 17:03

www.womensaid.org.uk/

These people can give you real practical help.

Original poster
klover · 24/02/2008 17:04

my dd is so brave and lovely i know i have to leave for her and for me.

OP posts:
colditz · 24/02/2008 17:04

Where are you sweetheart? Email me and give me your address and an outline of the situation and I will ring the police for you if you want.

Flllightattendant · 24/02/2008 17:05

I'm so glad you;'re going. Absolutely no doubt here that it's the right thing to do
Glad you have a mate there too. Police station will have a team just for this, who can really really help in loads of ways - if you can find their number and ring them with your friend's mobile, theyll know what to do.

colditz · 24/02/2008 17:05

colditzmum @ yahoo . co . uk

Original poster
klover · 24/02/2008 17:05

i wont tell him, i will just leave, i dont want anymore arguments.

OP posts:
Blueskythinker · 24/02/2008 17:06

Klover, don't let him know you intend to go tomorrow. So often this can escalate the situation. Don't let him see bags etc.

I know this sounds OTT, but I am a police officer, and have seen how this can make a bad situation into a really bad one.

Keep in touch.

Flllightattendant · 24/02/2008 17:06

Colditz understands this well, you can trust her

Original poster
klover · 24/02/2008 17:07

thankyou colditz i will email if i need, my friend is coming round to keep us safe.

OP posts:
Original poster
klover · 24/02/2008 17:08

i have to go now and tend to my dd, but i will keep in touch. thankyou.

OP posts:
Blueskythinker · 24/02/2008 19:43

Bump. How did things go when DP woke up?

I have been thinking about this since you posted. Blaming you for introducing violence into the relationship is classic of how domestic abusers control their victims. This happens so often, the victim of the abuse says, oh, but it is my fault because I . . . The abuser finds a weakness and exploits it to make it look like the abuse you are suffering is your fault.

Please don't believe this is your fault. Yes, you made a mistake. Once. You have probably regretted it ever since. However, your DP cannot use that to justify his violence against you.

Can your friend leave with some of the items flightattendant suggested when she goes? She could maybe bring some toys / clothes so that you don't have to carry as much when you go tomorrow.

Hope things go ok.

Original poster
klover · 25/02/2008 08:06

hello, dp still asleep i have packed all we need, have to wait till9am to speak to refuge to find somewhere to go. if he wakes up i will tell him we are going to mother and toddler group. i know i'm doing the right thing. have booked appointment with the dr as womens aid said you should document all incidences of abuse. wish the time would hurry up and go by i feel very scared.

OP posts:
Flllightattendant · 25/02/2008 08:17

well done mate, brilliant news...you are really strong and you'll be ok.
We're all thinking about you, wishing you luck. He's not worth worrying about, you will be fine xx
GOOD LUCK

dosydot · 25/02/2008 08:18

You are being very brave klover. know that you are giving your dd a future, stay strong only 40 minutes or so and you are out of there.[hug]
Can you not leave now and ring the refuge from a friends house in case your partner wakes?

kayzisbroody · 25/02/2008 08:28

You have done the right thing.
You could always take dd for a walk and then ring the refuge then.

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