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Original poster

Why do people try to put others off

29 replies

MaxwellCat · 06/07/2023 23:05

Has anyone else noticed this but why do people try to put others off dating? Even if they’ve had a bad experience I don’t know why people try to put others off? For example I was thinking of dating after 6 years single and it was all no don’t bother, don’t do it, stay on your own. This isn’t just me I’ve noticed it with. I’ve noticed people say it on here as well and also on Facebook a woman was asking why she couldn’t download dating apps as her phone wasn’t allowing her to and all the comments were “good” “lucky escape” “it’s a sign” “don’t bother” no one actually advised her on what might be the problem. And with mine it was stay single, I wouldn’t bother etc just don’t see why people do this?

OP posts:
Summer2424 · 06/07/2023 23:19

Hi @MaxwellCat i totally hear you! I don't know why people say that.
I'm the opposite, i always say, get on those dating apps, get out there, date, find someone to spend your life with.
All the best in your search ❤

JerkintheMerkin · 07/07/2023 06:30

Download a few and you'll soon see why. If you enjoy dealing with the constant angst of does he like me/do I like him?, what does XYZ mean if he does ABC?, he hasn't asked for another date, what should I do?, is this a red flag or not?, shall I contact him for another date or not?, the list goes on. I read so many of these dating dilemmas on here that it puts me right off the whole thing. Never mind that the dating pool is a murky brown soup of mostly undesirables with the odd diamond in there. I wish you luck in your search though. Just wear a very thick wetsuit. Grin

Watchkeys · 07/07/2023 06:34

They do it because they're not happy with their own experience, and they can't see further than the end of their own nose.

Why do you care? If you want to date, date. End of story.

'Why do people do this?' is a thankless task. There are as many answers as their are people.

Original poster
MaxwellCat · 07/07/2023 12:31

JerkintheMerkin · 07/07/2023 06:30

Download a few and you'll soon see why. If you enjoy dealing with the constant angst of does he like me/do I like him?, what does XYZ mean if he does ABC?, he hasn't asked for another date, what should I do?, is this a red flag or not?, shall I contact him for another date or not?, the list goes on. I read so many of these dating dilemmas on here that it puts me right off the whole thing. Never mind that the dating pool is a murky brown soup of mostly undesirables with the odd diamond in there. I wish you luck in your search though. Just wear a very thick wetsuit. Grin

So the answer is to stay single and never meet anyone again?! I’m only 34 I would not choose to stay single for the rest of my life at 34.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaxwellCat · 07/07/2023 12:31

Watchkeys · 07/07/2023 06:34

They do it because they're not happy with their own experience, and they can't see further than the end of their own nose.

Why do you care? If you want to date, date. End of story.

'Why do people do this?' is a thankless task. There are as many answers as their are people.

Because I was asking for advice and was just met with don’t bother.

OP posts:
JamSandle · 07/07/2023 12:37

People like to pop balloons.

Ignore and do what you want :)

Watchkeys · 07/07/2023 12:43

And if you ask me for advice on what to do with your hair, and I say 'Shave it all off and burn it on your bed', will you do it, or will you decide for yourself whether to take the advice offered?

If you don't like advice you get, don't take it. Dating works, as you know, because every happy couple you've ever met (except for arranged marriages) dated first.

Dacquoises · 07/07/2023 12:55

I agree with @Watchkeys , they are projecting their own experiences/insecurities onto you.

Another one is when you decide to split up with your husband, loads of married friends pile in to convince you you're wrong and should stay put. Probably sets off their insecurities about their own marriages. Nothing to do with what's right for you.

Personally I think you have to have your own experiences, good or bad, to decide what's what.

Original poster
MaxwellCat · 07/07/2023 12:55

I still don’t see why people need to put a downer on everything, don’t tell me what I do and don’t know dating has changed a LOT since I last dated almost 13 years ago!! Ffs

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 07/07/2023 14:03

YOu don't have to see why people do things. It's none of your business. It's your responsibility to act reasonably according to your own standards, and that's it. People will be who they are. End of story.

Bubblyb00b · 07/07/2023 14:42

Of course you don't have to listen to what people are saying, but if everyone is saying "its crap, don't bother", instead of thinking of a potential complicated reason for them saying it maybe its just worth accepting that it is actually crap?

Dating, esp OD, for a lot of people is a hard, unpleasant and thankless task, only endured because of the desire to have a partner. But it doesn't mean you will never find someone, or that it doesn't work at all. A lot of people tried and decided its not worth it, you may think otherwise! Good luck )

JerkintheMerkin · 07/07/2023 15:43

MaxwellCat · 07/07/2023 12:55

I still don’t see why people need to put a downer on everything, don’t tell me what I do and don’t know dating has changed a LOT since I last dated almost 13 years ago!! Ffs

It's not putting a downer on everything it's just for the majority it is quite shit. It really is a game of numbers and a tremendous amount of luck needed. If you've been away from the apps for as long as you say then you are in for a shock. The dating scene has changed drastically and not for the better either IMO. Have your boundaries and requirements in place from the get go because you're going to need them. Good luck. You're a braver soul than I.

Watchkeys · 07/07/2023 15:48

It's not putting a downer on everything it's just for the majority it is quite shit

That's up to the majority to interpret, not you @JerkintheMerkin . If you get 10 dick pics from strangers in a day, you might class that as being 'quite shit', but someone else might laugh and say 'par for the course!' and move on without such negative judgment.

Many people have a minimal experience with unwelcome messages. Many people meet partners fairly soon without feeling that anything 'quite shit' occurred.

Speak for yourself.

SpringerIrca · 07/07/2023 15:55

Because people generally give advice based on their own experience.

I don't think anyone that met the love of their life would say don't bother, so you're hearing from the ones that didn't .

They're not trying to put you off per se, just saying what they experienced.

In my opinion it would be weirder if people who had a really positive experience were telling you not to try.

Think yourself lucky you've got a realistic review online dating 😊

JerkintheMerkin · 07/07/2023 16:06

Calm down. People can only give their own insights and observations. I quite enjoy a dick pic actually. I'm always up for a laugh. Grin I'm horrendously single but don't do dating apps because I've taken a quick peek, seen what's out there and made a swift exit. And yes, I would really like to meet someone myself. If you like pics of guys in bed, posing in the gym, doing a sport they've only ever done on holiday, smoking, with unknown females in their photos, with a pint in their hand, holding something they've plucked out of a stream, suffering with an hilarious case of liabetes (my ex being a case in point) then go right ahead. Have fun.

Watchkeys · 07/07/2023 16:25

'Calm down'

Such empathy for others. Good luck meeting someone!

JerkintheMerkin · 07/07/2023 16:26

Watchkeys · 07/07/2023 16:25

'Calm down'

Such empathy for others. Good luck meeting someone!

Thanks. You too.

Watchkeys · 07/07/2023 16:32

@JerkintheMerkin

I'm in a very happy relationship already thank you. Learning about empathy really helps when you're looking for a partner. As I said, good luck meeting someone.

JerkintheMerkin · 07/07/2023 18:09

“So the answer is to stay single and never meet anyone again?! I’m only 34 I would not choose to stay single for the rest of my life at 34”

Wow! In less than 24 hours you’ve gone from being single to being very happy in a relationship. What gives??

JerkintheMerkin · 07/07/2023 18:10

“So the answer is to stay single and never meet anyone again?! I’m only 34 I would not choose to stay single for the rest of my life at 34”

Wow! In less than 24 hours you’ve gone from being single to being very happy in a relationship. What gives??

MaxTalk · 07/07/2023 18:14

Because there is more to life than finding someone. Which ultimately becomes disappointing in many cases.

The world and life has lots of opportunities and experiences which can be incredible. Focus on that rather than dating which can stifle your life experiences.

Perscriptionzzzzz · 07/07/2023 18:33

I have seen it. There seem to be threads on here weekly “selling the idea of celibacy”. I like men and relationships and I just ignore anyone who tries to tell me how I should behave. Politely of course.

Sites like this tend yo polarise issues. Yes, some men are violent and dangerous. Many more aren’t. There are plenty of nice, decent men out there who behave well.

I think you get two types of “disapprover”. One who dates/is in a relationship but doesn’t want you to be. And femcels.

5128gap · 07/07/2023 18:44

Some single people prefer their friends to be single too as it changes the dynamics of the friendship when one finds a partner.
Other people have had such negative experiences they genuinely feel others should be warned.
Its invariably a waste of time though as once people have decided they want a relationship, typically hell nor high water will put them off, so I don't get why people bother trying to influence them.

Elsiebear90 · 07/07/2023 18:45

I had comments like that when I was engaged and planning my wedding “don’t do it!” “No point in marriage” “marriage ruins relationships” etc, people are just speaking from their own negative experiences and applying it to everyone. As if I was gonna cancel my wedding because “Amy” at work got divorced and thinks marriage is a waste of time. Just ignore them and carry on.

MaxTalk · 07/07/2023 18:47

Yep ignore and do what you want. Everyone will make their own mistakes and hopefully learn from them.

It's like telling a 5 year old not to eat chocolate.

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