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Original poster

Need help encouraging my boyfriend to feel less bored with life

61 replies

clickyourfeet · 06/07/2023 22:45

My boyfriend is currently working full-time in a retail job he hates (with no consecutive days off) but he can’t afford to leave, while studying a masters full-time online. He has tried to apply for other jobs but hasn’t been successful, and is now taking the time to build his portfolio for future employers in his field.

He says he’s happy with every other aspect of his life except his employment but often complains about being bored. I try to reassure him that this is only temporary and remind him of the things we have to look forward to but they have no real bearing. We’re both in our mid twenties and are moving to Dubai next year so we really do have a look to look forward to but it’s harder for him to realise this as it seems so out of reach.

I’ve decided to make him a “How to Cure Boredom” bag with suggestions inside:

  1. Book for Bored Adults (suggestions on how to fix boredom)
  2. Adult colouring book with markers
  3. Whale crochetting kit
  4. Madras spices with recipe
  5. Yoyo 🪀
  6. Breathing and mediation guide
  7. 1 month work of mindfulness journaling
  8. 101 awful jokes (one liners but bad one liners)
  9. Face mask and bubble bath (to encourage a self care spa day)
  10. Mason jar with solo activites for boredom
  11. Mason jar with date night suggestions

The idea behind it was he would develop some new skills i.e. cooking, crochetting, mindfulness etc., and I know he may snub some of the contents and feel they’re a bit feminine!

Has anyone any suggestions? Ideally things I can stick in the bag.

OP posts:
CapEBarra · 07/07/2023 06:57

He doesn’t have the kind of transient boredom that colouring in or making a curry would fix. It sounds more like he’s stressed and depressed about his life - it’s sounds like a bit of slog at the moment, and it should be - doing a full time job you don’t enjoy alongside a masters is hard. I’d be encouraging him to work hard on his masters or maybe do some voluntary work or setting up a business in the field he wants to go into - get him to focus rather than distracting him with bad jokes. The book sounds great and would be a great Christmas present for family and friends, but I don’t think it will engage him for more than 20 minutes.

TeeBee · 07/07/2023 07:01

My son is a similar age and is also studying and working. He is having the time of his life because he's in a band, goes kitesurfing, goes out with his mates, goes to the gym, travels. This is nothing to do with his situation and all down to his mindset. A bag of crochet ideas isn't going to solve his boredom. He's in his 20s...he should be living his best life. You sound very kind OP. I'd be inclined to let him sort himself out but if you are determined to help, how about booking a fun activity? Hot air balloon trip? Bungee jump? Helicopter ride? Trip to the beach?

ManAboutTown · 07/07/2023 07:05

I thought this was a piss take when I first read it - some of the stuff on that list beggars belief - if you can get a bloke to crochet you should be selling sand to the Arabs

We've all had boring jobs but the thing is to have enjoyable stuff to do outside that - go to sports events, gigs, theatre, travel whatever floats your boat.

Get the masters done but think about what comes next. One thing I did a few years ago was an online calculus course on Edx - its a site set up by Harvard, MIT and Stamford supported by many other universities around the world. offers courses on everything

LolaSmiles · 07/07/2023 07:07

Is he actually bored or is he just moping and feeling sorry for himself?

It's sweet you're trying to help him, but you're not his support human.

I've probably been on Mumsnet too long but I'm getting flashforwards to threads where posters say that their DH is draining the energy from the house because he's bored/miserable/wants to quit his job/doesn't have any hobbies/moans all the time/huffs and puffs and behaves in a way that everyone knows he's not happy about something but he doesn't do anything about it.

Backstreets · 07/07/2023 07:11

Empty kitchen roll tube with a treat inside. My old dog kept himself entertained for ages with that

StephanieSuperpowers · 07/07/2023 07:13

You can't give someone a boredom bag and fancy them. That's a universal law. Doing this is lovely but will kill your relationship.

Justcallmebebes · 07/07/2023 07:13

HerMammy · 07/07/2023 06:14

Deary me, you're not his mummy, colouring in and lets make a whale?? sounds like you're entertaining a 4 yr old.

This Grin

GreyCarpet · 07/07/2023 07:15

I'm sure my grandma would have liked doing some of the things on your list when she was no longer mobile and could no longer leave the house...

I agree with the others. This is his issue to solve. Not because he's a man but because he's an adult, it's temporary, it's his mindset that needs to change and he's craving excitement.

If he's booked in his job the last thing he needs is a list of boring activities too occupy his mind. He needs some fun to remind himself there's more to life.

It's fine to he bored with hour curent situation and he can't spend all of his free time building a portfolio etc. He needs an outlet for the aspects of him that are not currently being addressed. He has unmet needs currently that need to be met for him to feel fulfilled and I'm not sure that's going to be achieved through... crochet.

GreyCarpet · 07/07/2023 07:16

Retail jobs are boring.
Doing a masters can be boring.
Building a portfolio is boring.

He needs to do something fun on his days off.

Ragwort · 07/07/2023 07:18

Surely it's a real turn off that you feel responsible for 'entertaining' your BF ... agree with a PP that in a few years he will be one of those dull men drifting along with his wife (hopefully not you OP) having a coffee out in the M & S cafe as a highlight of the week because he's never bothered to find a hobby or have any interests. Ditch him before he drags you down with him.

perfectcolourfound · 07/07/2023 07:21

It isn't your problem to solve. He is a grown man. He knows MUCH better than you what would stop him being bored. But he isn't doing it either because a) he doesn't have time or b) can't be bothered and would rather just bend your ear about it or c) he isn't really bored, he's just doing that thing some teenagers do, as a matter of habit and something to complain about.

Either way, there's nothing you can do to improve that situation. And be very very careful about positioning yourself as his mother figure / the person who finds a treat for him when he's bored, like you would with a small child.

I had one of those in the distant past. I used to be flattered by the fact that I could cheer him up and help change his mood. Before too long he expected me to be his support all the time, whatever his mood. And if I was in a low mood / going through something bad, he begrudged me being down / unable to help him as much, like I was failing in my duty.

I'm all for supporting your bf through tough times (and vice versa of course) - but you aren't responsible for who he is.

ManyDogs · 07/07/2023 07:21

A Whale crochet kit??? Jesus Shock

CurlewKate · 07/07/2023 07:24

What are you going to do in Dubai?

Jota67 · 07/07/2023 07:25

Is this a joke?
Tell him to man up and stop whinging
You are not his mum to make it better for your child.

Btw I lived in Dubai for many years....it can be a soulless place to live and boring unless you are making really good salaries to enjoy all the facilities. He needs to have a much more positive mindset as it can be a challenging place to live at times away from friends and family with lots of frustrations and bureaucracy initially.

Summerfun54321 · 07/07/2023 07:25

If he is trying to do a full time masters and a full time job at the same time, then it's stress rather than boredom. He won't be looking for activities, he just needs a break.

StephanieSuperpowers · 07/07/2023 07:26

CurlewKate · 07/07/2023 07:24

What are you going to do in Dubai?

Silhouettes.

Mummy08m · 07/07/2023 07:28

Surely a young man who is bored wants excitement and a change of scene...? Ring up some mates, go out for drinks, go for a cycle ride, even a weekend away.

All the things on your list are not cures for boredom but more things to help you unwind from stress. That isn't what your bf said he wants.

Different personalities react to work stress in different ways. When my dh is overwhelmed from work he likes to lie on the sofa and stare into space. He wouldn't describe his feelings as boredom. When I'm overwhelmed from work I like to go to the local rum bar and drink lots of dark and stormies and have a laugh. If your bf is using the word "boredom" I think he'd prefer the dark and stormies at the rum bar.

TammyJones · 07/07/2023 07:29

Got to be a wind up

MiddleParking · 07/07/2023 07:29

Is he being whiny and negative or is he just chatting about how he feels about a phase of his life where work heavily outweighs play? If the latter I would be wary of trying to turn his normal/understandable feelings into a demo moment for how thoughtful a girlfriend you are. It comes across as needy and actually not that thoughtful at all (especially as the presents you’ve listed sound very generic). If he’s actually just a moaning/negative person then I would be thinking more about whether it’s a good idea to move to a famously boring and misogynistic country with him than about buying him a yo-yo.

Mummy08m · 07/07/2023 07:32

Ps I cannot think of anything more boring than mindfulness journalling. Sorry to be harsh. He's either the type who does mindfulness journalling already or he's never going to do that.

BCBird · 07/07/2023 07:33

I would say you don't try to sort out the boredom. Thst is for him.to do. If u take it in it then your responsibility? He has chosen to take a lot on, u can't manage this. Might sound harsh but you could end up being in the default pseudo emotional 'carer' role.

StopStartStop · 07/07/2023 07:35

stay out of his headspace
This.
And... he's an adult. He might prefer some time to himself and a subscription to a porn site.

Temporaryname158 · 07/07/2023 07:37

Oh OP, this is embarrassing and if someone gave me that bag I’d be horrified. He’s not a child on a long flight that needs a bag of goodies to keep him going.

he’s bored because retail is often a very boring job and then he has to come home and study. I’m sure he has little free time as it is never mind time to take up crochet or colouring (I wouldn’t thank anyone for the gifts on your list, the yo-yo is very infantilising!)

where is the fun in your lives? When do you go out for a meal, drinks, the cinema. When does he see his friends?

WilkinsonM · 07/07/2023 07:42

This is a hard no from me!
he's not bored in a day to day sense, he's got plenty to do. He doesn't need a crochet and colouring set. He doesn't need you to fix his boredom at all. Don't participate in this dynamic!

Dery · 07/07/2023 07:44

“he’s bored because retail is often a very boring job and then he has to come home and study. I’m sure he has little free time as it is…

where is the fun in your lives? When do you go out for a meal, drinks, the cinema. When does he see his friends?”

This. He is working very hard at the moment without much of a break. He could try adjusting his attitude to his job - hating it can’t really be helping him - but the fact that he’s doing a paid job and a masters suggests that he has a strong work ethic and a responsible attitude to looking after himself and these are positive qualities.