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Original poster

In-laws

36 replies

WeeTreat · 06/07/2023 21:06

Do you view your in-laws as YOUR family?

I get on with mine well, but I can't help but think of them as DH's family, not mine. Yes, they are undoubtedly my DC's family, but I just don't view them as mine. I often find myself referring to my SIL's DD as 'DH's niece'. I mean nothing by it and am not consciously trying to dissociate myself, I just see it as his side and my side.

Was reading a thread earlier about how much contact adult DS have with their mothers, many posters said that their DIL's message them regularly. I very rarely contact my MIL. In fact, other than to wish her a Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, etc. Or thank her for a gift, I leave all communication to DH. Likewise, he wouldn't randomly txt my side of the family, other than to put a meme or something in the family WhatsApp.

How close are you to your in-laws?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 06/07/2023 21:12

Same as you tbh; they live a few hours away- very much think of them as my husbands family - I have my own parents who I’m very close with, don’t need any extras

Bippityboppityboo67 · 06/07/2023 21:17

I'm very close with my in laws. I see them very regularly. Mil is actually FIL 2nd wife.i get on really well with her. Dp's mam died before I met him. Not sure if that makes a difference. I also get on with his brother's wife. Not so hot on his sister though

Holly60 · 06/07/2023 21:18

Close to mine. I don't see them as my parents but I see them as family.

They've helped me out a lot over the years and have treated me with love. They are my children's grandparents.

I refer to my brother in laws son as my nephew.

DH also sees my family as family. Obviously you feel differently about your own parents and siblings but there are different ways of experiencing family. To me it was important that my children felt secure in a big, loving, warm family.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 06/07/2023 21:18

Definitely do not think of them as my family.

Maggiesgirl · 06/07/2023 21:19

I'm the MIL, not the DDIL but I very much see DDIL as part of my family. Her own family live on the other side of the world so may be why we are so close.

Holly60 · 06/07/2023 21:20

Oh and yes contact MIL a lot, as I do SIL.

And DH contacts my side of the family. If he has a DIY query that he thinks my dad might be able to answer, it's much quicker and easier to just text him direct than ask me to be the go-between. Likewise if I have a question for my in-laws, why would I get DH to relay it?

Holly60 · 06/07/2023 21:21

That's Sister in Law that I contact loads. Just for a chit chat often

Original poster
WeeTreat · 06/07/2023 21:29

Maggiesgirl · 06/07/2023 21:19

I'm the MIL, not the DDIL but I very much see DDIL as part of my family. Her own family live on the other side of the world so may be why we are so close.

It's really nice that you feel that way. I'm not sure if my in-laws see me as family or not.

OP posts:
Mommasgotabrandnewbag · 06/07/2023 21:36

No, my family is DH and the children. They are my extended family

justme2022 · 06/07/2023 21:41

I don't see them as family and they see me as the brood mare that provided their grandchildren. We don't spend much time together.

Soonenough · 06/07/2023 22:21

Never viewed them as my family although MIL wanted me to . Now that STBX is no longer in the picture I definitely don't have anything to do with them .

But at the time when DCs were young I made sure they kept in contact and organised gifts , cards, etc.

Dacadactyl · 06/07/2023 22:26

I see my in laws as my family yes. I get on with them well and we often contact each other to arrange stuff like lunches out etc if DH is working and I'm not etc.

DHs aunts and cousins contact me about family do's and activites too, leaving DH out of the process. I sometimes go out with them too.

All part and parcel of being married to someone IMO and I wouldn't like it if his side kept me at arms length.

Dery · 06/07/2023 22:27

I see my ILs as family. In fact, as soon as we had our first child (which was before DH and I married), I felt like we were family because I was her mother and they were her grandparents, so we must be family, right? But they’ve always been very friendly and welcoming to me (DH was late 30s when we got together so I think they were pleased to see him settled 😀) and that’s set the tone for our relationship. If they’d been different, I would probably feel like you do.

Itsadogone · 06/07/2023 22:32

I’m the same as you. I think they kind of view me in the same way as I view them. I’m nearing the end of my pregnancy and haven’t had one text after the initial congratulations to ask how I am, what they can get for the baby, if we need help with anything etc. Whereas my family are in every other day helping or messaging to ask if I need anything. We have seen his family a handful of times since I’ve been pregnant and I’ve texted if it’s been a birthday or something but I do almost keep them at arms length in a way. It does bug me a bit though that we don’t have that relationship with them, they aren’t close and don’t visit us much but as soon as the baby arrives we won’t be able to get rid of them 🙄 I would probably be fine with that if we were more familiar and I felt okay about lounging about while they were visiting but it’s still very formal in a way, they’ve never seen me without makeup or without having got dressed for them coming. I do think these things should be consistent though. If you don’t make any attempt to ask how I am or help when I’m heavily pregnant, I don’t see why we should suddenly roll out the red carpet and let you overstay your welcome because you’re excited to have another grandchild 🤷🏼‍♀️

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/07/2023 22:32

Haven’t seen them in years and they haven’t and won’t meet our children. Awful people.

DH definitely sees my family as his, we recently had a few days with my siblings, their partners and kids and my mum and he was off at the pub and grocery shopping with my sister’s husband like the two of them are brothers (sisters and her family live abroad). DH and my mum are very close and chat often.

Totalwasteofpaper · 06/07/2023 22:33

I think a lot of it is attitudinal.

my family is my 100% DHs family.
My DHs aunt / uncle / cousins i view as my family and vice versa.

My mil and bil i do not view as family.
they like me / want me to like them but it was clear early on they attitudinally view their family unit as a fixed unit. The aunt uncle cousins are outside the circle too despite living streets away for decades.
I am a very much not real family neither is BIL fiancé which is fine by me

TreeLine23 · 06/07/2023 23:31

No, I don't class them as my family.
I think MIL would have liked it if I did (wanted me to call her 'Mum' 🙄) but I couldn't be doing with living in each other's pockets and kept them at arm's length.

Xeren · 06/07/2023 23:44

They live close and love DC and give regular childcare. Although I would very much like to have been part of their family they don’t see me as such. I’m very much their son’s wife / GC’s mum.

MIL’s world is DC > SIL > DH > FIL >>>>>>>>> me.

I’ve pretty much accepted it now and am just grateful that they love DC but I keep communication and effort to a minimum and leave it to DH.

GodspeedJune · 07/07/2023 00:00

DP is very close to my parents. My DDad and him are mates and have their own relationship independently of me. He calls my mum ‘Mum’ too.

I have a good relationship with his DM, although not as close due to distance. We chat by text and if I have any worries she always offers to be a listening ear.

I’ve had several bad experiences with his Dad and step- Mum so won’t communicate with them, all goes through DP. Don’t see them as family and wouldn’t want to change that. I’ve had to stand firm as they were all over us like a rash after having DC and I definitely wasn’t up for seeing them all the time just because we’ve had DC.

Holly60 · 07/07/2023 05:53

TreeLine23 · 06/07/2023 23:31

No, I don't class them as my family.
I think MIL would have liked it if I did (wanted me to call her 'Mum' 🙄) but I couldn't be doing with living in each other's pockets and kept them at arm's length.

Goodness you sound like a peach 🙄. If my DH had had this attitude about my family he would have been an ex very quickly!

I get not wanting to call your MIL mum - I wouldn't have done that, but seems really harsh to be actively trying to keep your partner's family 'at arms length'

justanothermanicmonday1 · 07/07/2023 05:57

I'm very close with my MIL. However there has a been a few blurred lines over the years when my DP and his DSis have had a disagreement and she tries to involve me/get my opinion as I'm "her daughter too" I quickly reminded that I'm not, and that I will never get involved.

moneymatr · 07/07/2023 06:18

I would have loved to be part of the family but fil and mil have always kept me at arms length. It use to hurt a lot as they are very close to sil and bil (bil is their dd husband). I'm not really like them and I think they don't fully get me. I've accepted over the years and make less effort as a result. I've lost both my parents so it would have been welcomed.

TreeLine23 · 07/07/2023 08:15

Holly60 · 07/07/2023 05:53

Goodness you sound like a peach 🙄. If my DH had had this attitude about my family he would have been an ex very quickly!

I get not wanting to call your MIL mum - I wouldn't have done that, but seems really harsh to be actively trying to keep your partner's family 'at arms length'

Show quote history

🙄 Oh give over, you fool.

I'll keep them at arm's length if I wish.

AuntieMarys · 07/07/2023 08:23

Even DH didn't like his parents! We only saw them twice a year for a few hours..they lived 2 hours a way. I never phoned them or had any contact with them.

SquigglyGum · 07/07/2023 08:30

I see my in laws as my family. They've been there for me in hard times, and we've spent lots of good (and boring!) times together. My kids love them, and while they aren't my parents/ siblings, they certainly feel like family.