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Relationships

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Original poster

Is it my sex drive and how can I deal with it?

29 replies

menoornot · 06/07/2023 14:57

I've been with my partner for 3 years. We don't live together, but are talking about it.
He has a really high sex drive. Ideally he'd do it morning and night, but recognises that my sex drive is lower.
I'd be happy with a few times a week but with plenty of affection in between.
We've talked about this and he understands but his sexual tension is palpable. Even after sex the night before and the day before (if spending multiple nights), he is so frustrated if we don't have sex. He doesn't push it as such, but he'll gently guide my hand down, and hope I'll 'get going'. It just feels like pressure (although he doesn't try to push as such) and I can't see how living together would work as I get a natural break now. We see each other 3 to 4 times a week and he'd like sex 6 to 8 times in those days and I'd be happy with 3.
Is this a sign we should end it?

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 06/07/2023 15:04

Yes.

Or at the very least, don't move in together.

I don't think he recognises your needs at all tbh. He's acting like a horny teen. I'd be concerned about how he wpuld be if you were ill for a week or something. Would he start pouting? Or still be pressuring you?

I mean...it's not good really is it op.

Pinkbonbon · 06/07/2023 15:08

Bit of a 2000s but movie suggestion but, how about you suggest no sex for a fortnight to see whether or not you work as a couple without it just being about sex. I mean there will be times in the relationship where it'll have to go a few weeks. If there's kids. Or illness. Or trips away from one another.

See how it goes. Is he still loving and attentive (even when it's not to get him sex?) Or is he a sulking, grumpy, pressuring dick.

Shabadaba · 06/07/2023 15:11

Yes

Xrays · 06/07/2023 15:17

You’re incompatible.

BreviloquentBastard · 06/07/2023 15:20

A couple of times a week is on the high end of normal in a long term relationship I'd say, so he's expecting quite a lot to want more than that. I wouldn't move in with someone like this, the resentment will become too much.

There's nothing wrong with liking and wanting lots of sex, but multiple times a day is a ridiculously unreasonable expectation for most busy adults. I'd worry what will happen when you don't feel like it? What's he going to do if/when you have kids? If you get sick for a few weeks? Cheat on you or develop a porn addiction? It just doesn't seem worth it.

Original poster

menoornot · 06/07/2023 15:20

We have holidayed separately so sometimes not seen each other for 10 days or so.
He's very kind and loving (does lots of helpful things for me). He's also not selfish in bed.
Last year it came to a head and I told him to not automatically touch me sexually (like when watching TV, or when just waking up), and he has totally respected that.
It just feels like I'd be 'rejecting' him a lot. We had one incidence of sulking last year, but I told him I would not stay in a relation where there was sulking. He hasn't done that since.
It's like his sex drive is on fire all the time though and sometimes I'll feel kind of like I should do some sort of sexually activity when I don't really want to.
I think we need another talk, but I definitely won't move in.

OP posts:

cloudycloudynight101 · 06/07/2023 15:23

My relationship is the same, however, I, female, am the one with the higher sex drive. My dh's sex drive is a lot lower. I like your partner would like sex lots of times a day my dh doesn't want it and is happy with a few times a week.
I do get frustrated with the situation sometimes but it's something have to deal with. Your relationship can work. Mine works very well, you need to speak to him and tell him this is an issue. If he loves you and wants to be with you he will be ok with it.

Mercymymercyme · 06/07/2023 15:28

He ‘gently pushes your hand down’?! So his idea of getting you in the mood is to get you to pleasure him, rather than him starting to arouse you?!

Jesus! He’s lucky to be getting it at all from you!

Original poster

menoornot · 06/07/2023 15:30

@cloudycloudynight101 That's really helpful to hear. We're in our 50's, and don't have young children, it is just a big difference in sex drive.
I want to understand his frustration (which I sense rather that he says).

OP posts:

OrlandointheWilderness · 06/07/2023 15:32

cloudycloudynight101 · 06/07/2023 15:23

I'm in this position. I have a really high sex drive, daily minimum would be good for me but DPs is much lower due to the fact he works daft hours and is on medication so we have sex every 7-8 days. Occasionally I do get frustrated, but that's just life and compromise is needed. We have a wonderful relationship and it isn't something that causes a problem tbh.

Original poster

menoornot · 06/07/2023 15:32

Mercymymercyme · 06/07/2023 15:28

He ‘gently pushes your hand down’?! So his idea of getting you in the mood is to get you to pleasure him, rather than him starting to arouse you?!

Jesus! He’s lucky to be getting it at all from you!

That's an example. Ie early morning and need to get up soon! He usually likes me to orgasm first.

OP posts:

peachgreen · 06/07/2023 15:39

I’m more like your partner in this situation. In general, the rule is that the person with the lower sex drive should “win out” because not getting to have sex is frustrating, but having sex when you don’t want to can be traumatising! But I do believe there are ways to compromise that work for both parties.

Can you get him to put his finger on what it is about sex that he wants? For me, for example, it’s not actually the orgasm (which I can happily get for myself if necessary!) but the feeling of being wanted and desired. There are other ways my partner can show me this, even when he’s not in the mood for actual sex. For other people it might be emotional connection and you can find other ways to satisfy that need. And for some it is just the orgasm, in which case you might potentially be happy with being present while he masturbates, or it may even be helpful for him to know if you’re happy for him to do that when you’re there etc – he may have had a previous partner who was uncomfortable with that.

In my experience, there is often an underlying reason why people have a high sex drive and it’s often able to be satisfied in other ways.

Original poster

menoornot · 06/07/2023 16:14

@peachgreen That is a good idea. I had said I didn't want him to masturbate next to me unless we were jointly having sex, but maybe I should rethink it. I do think it's about the orgasm for him.
We are very affectionate generally and do thoughtful things for each other.
I agree too that having sex when you don't want to is pretty unhealthy.

OP posts:

costacoughee · 06/07/2023 16:19

End it. Putting pressure on you is unacceptable

peachgreen · 06/07/2023 17:05

I have to say I would find it difficult if my partner didn't allow me to masturbate given his sex drive is significantly lower than mine – I would understand if he preferred me to go to another room but that would possibly make me feel a bit rejected, if I'm honest. It's one thing not to want to have sex but that would make me feel like he was actively turned off by me being sexual which is a bit different.

I really do recommend double-checking with him and finding out what it's really about. He may not know himself. I didn't until DP and I discussed it. I realised that low self-esteem was driving quite a lot of my sex drive. Sometimes it is about the orgasm – it's stress-relieving and makes me happy! – but on those occasions masturbation does the same thing. But mostly it was about wanting to feel desired – not loved, or cared for, but sexually desired and wanted. Finding other ways for DP to fulfil that need – ways that he enjoys just as much as I do – has made a huge difference to us.

Mrphillasfoggex · 06/07/2023 17:22

Xrays · 06/07/2023 15:17

You’re incompatible.

Nothing more to add but this-you're incompatible.

Personally, I just like sex, every single part of it. It's certainly a priority in my relationship. However, I am aware not everyone feels the same.

Begonne · 06/07/2023 17:37

These days my sex drive is highs and lows so there are weeks where I could wear dh out, and weeks where I recoil from him. I guess it gives us both some insight!
We have just encompassed a wider range of activities into our sexual lives. Neither of us have an issue with the other masturbating, and sometimes things are more one sided. The main thing is talking openly and being respectful of each others boundaries.

Sex can be like scratching an itch, and it can be a deep intimate soulful connection, and lots more in between.

But while I’m sharing to say there are ways to make things work, it’s very important to be clear whether you want to, what your boundaries are and what feels ok to you. There should never be pressure to do anything that doesn’t feel right and good to you.

Wasphouse · 06/07/2023 18:49

This is such a super common situation that I am stunned that people suggest you are not compatible. Women can be the higher sex drive spouse, but typically not. My friends and I are all in your position. From what you have said, he is kind, loving, not selfish in bed, and respected your request not to touch you sexually at certain times. And to top it off, you gave him an ultimatum and again he responded as you desired : "We had one incidence of sulking last year, but I told him I would not stay in a relation where there was sulking. He hasn't done that since."

I would say you have a very healthy relationship: You speak your mind, and then he shapes up instantly when you tell him too. All men have their shortcomings, and their sexuality is one of their biggest . So, the issue is not about whether he has sexual issues, but rather how he responds to your insistence that he get his act together.

I think the main issue is: It just feels like I'd be 'rejecting' him a lot. You won't be peaceful until (1) you accept differing sex drives are actually the norm, and (2) you are not rejecting him because you don't want sex all the time. If my friends and I are any indication, most men in long-term relationships get most of their orgasms from their own hand. My friends and I have a number of things we do with our husbands to take the burden of their high-drives off of us, without them feeling neglected. If you want, I would be happy to share what works for us. [Edited by MNHQ]

Wasphouse · 06/07/2023 19:02

New on here and just saw their is a PM function, so that is fine instead of email.

MIBnightmare · 06/07/2023 19:05

No don't end it OP because he sounds like a good sort in so many ways and MN will only except absolute perfection in all things.. which is just not normal life !!

What you do need to do is talk to him and be absolutely honest in how it makes you feel . Guilt and all .. it's all manageable if the rest makes you happy... this is coming from someone who has a normal sex drive but hasn't had sex for six years because my DH has rapid cycling bipolar and it's a choice of the meds or sex.. I love him more .. so it's the meds and DIY !

Mischance · 06/07/2023 19:11

Bromide in his tea.

It is grim when you feel under siege and unable to enjoy a cuddle without the hands heading down the knickers. No way you can have an amicable relationship whilst under this sort of pressure.

Definitely do not move in with him - frankly I would ditch him.

Hollyppp · 06/07/2023 20:59

Personally I wouldn’t be comfortable with someone pushing my hand down each time they wanted sex - and it was too often for me. But I have a low sex drive at the moment so any pressure is just off putting to me

Superdupes · 06/07/2023 21:13

Different sex drives is a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't want my OH constantly trying to get me to touch his cock - instant ick.

This is all a bit weird though OP, you say it came to a head last year and that he respected you over not automatically touching you sexually. But then you say there was sulking and now you say he's constantly putting your hand down there - how is any of this respecting you. It's all just a bit grim IMO and clearly an on going issue. I would run a mile.

Superdupes · 06/07/2023 21:18

The other really worrying thing is that in your title you ask - is it my sex drive and how can i deal with it? This is not your issue and you cannot solve him being a sex pest when he knows your sex drive is much lower and you don't want to be pawed and pestered. Honestly, he's not respectful and is behaving like a dog on heat. The fact you think you might be the problem is very worrying - it suggests low self esteem and makes me worry what else you might be accepting from this bloke because you have low self worth.

Original poster

menoornot · 06/07/2023 21:23

So many good points to reflect on. Thanks. The pushing my hand down isn't a regular thing, but I don't like it and will be talking to him.
It feels like there is a lot right with our relationship, and I feel very loved, but we do need to resolve this or it needs to end.

OP posts:

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