Porn

[Mummytoofour]

Me & Hubby have been married 15yrs… a few months ago I went to use his phone and as I went on safari it was switched to ‘private search’ and the website open was porn hub i believe. Questioned him and he said it must have been a pop up! I let it go & didn’t bring it up again.

now last week he was using his phone and didn’t realise I walked into the room and on his phone again was a porn site. He quickly got rid of the website and turned it off! I bought it up to him and he said again it was a pop up! If I’m honest I don’t believe him.

Theres a new colleague started at his work place and whenever I mention her name he acts abit strange.

What do I do from here 😏

What do you do with regards to what? Is porn a no go in your relationship? Is this something that the two of you have discussed and agreed? If not, then the conversation needs to be had.

However, if you haven’t previously discussed this, bear in mind that you stating that porn is unacceptable doesn’t mean he’s going to agree. So perhaps decide if this is an actual dealbreaker for you.

I’m unclear as to how his new colleague factors into this.

Two completely unrelated issues. Porn - he feels like he has to hide it from you, but as long as he's watching it on his own and it's non mega-weird then it's a non-issue.

The colleague is probably nothing - just your senses being heightened from the discovery your husband enjoys a plank-yank to stuff on the Internet.

In what way is he acting strange?? Has he talked about her a lot?? How do you feel about the porn? Is it a no for you? I know a couple who watch it together but I also have female friends who hate it and it would be a huge red flag. Have you explained you don’t want him to watch porn? It looks like you might have 2 separate issues to think about. One thing I can say is he is lying about the porn being a pop up only way you have pop ups is if you have been watching it.

Is porn a deal-breaker in the relationship? If it is and you have a discussion about it and clearly state your feelings do you think he'll accept them and go with your wishes or will it make things worse and it's more of a thrill to him to watch it?

The work colleague could be something but then could be nothing, depends on how much you want to dig and what you seek to achieve by so doing.

Is porn a nono for you? Or is it more that he lies about it?

As for new colleague...maybe he fancies her. But so what? You're allowed to fancy other people exist in a relationship. So long as you don't act on it.

Unless you think he is acting on it, it shouldn't be a big deal.

But maybe his porn use is making you feel insecure? How do you feel.about yourself in general? And, is he generally a loving, supportive partner?

We’ve never had the discussion of porn, although on both occasions when I’ve confronted him about it, I said ‘if your watching it just be honest, most people do anyway’ - he still denied it.

it’s got me thinking what else is he lying about!

this new colleague - he’s spoke about her a few times and also when ever her name comes up (for example who’s on shift with you etc) he always has a weird smile on his face. That’s got me thinking all sorts of negative stuff!

then putting the porn into it (which has only come about recently) im feeling insecure.

I'd just keep watching on things.

If he starts hiding his phone, adds a password to it ect...

Then the possible signs of cheating/planning to cheat - late night texts, changing his look/taking extra pride in his appearance/joining a gym, staying out later than usual, work nights away when these never happened before, leaving the room to take calls, changes in behavior towards you like becoming extra snappy or being cold or, extra nice as if he's trying to make up for something. Things like that.

Maybe name dropping her a lot ect...

It's probably nothing.
But never just write off your gut feelings.

Maybe your reading too much into it regarding his college, the more you think of it the more your imagination will run wild. Maybe he's embarrassed to admit he's watching porn? Us your sexlife healthy or does it need spicing up a bit? If you have no issues with porn then make him aware of that so he doesn't hide it from you, maybe offer to watch some together in bed? Ethical porn on PornHub is a good place to start...real couples and not the overreacting crap that is flooding the market.

Porn should be an issue. Who wants to be with a man who wanks over exploited, potentially trafficked women?

If hes hiding the porn then I imagine he is fully aware that it is some sort of dealbreaker in their relationship!

And if he is watching it anyway, knowing this, then he is totally ignoring any boundaries. So yes, I'd also be thinking what else he is lying about and/or hiding.

Only advice OP is to watch and see if his behaviour changes in other small ways. Makes more of an effort with himself when going into work, starts working late, starts suddenly meeting up with friends alot more. And more than likely keeping his phone glued to him or changing his passcode if you know the current one.

For me the porn would be the dealbreaker anyway. Couldn't be attracted to a man who got off on women being exploited by that industry. Yuck, it would turn me right off.

Curlewkate... you've obviously never seen porn....it's a professional industry, no women are trafficed. They are professional porn stars.

It’s the first time I have heard of a pop up on a private browser … I’d be thinking he probably does watch it. If you don’t mind then I suppose it isn’t a big deal but if you do mind, you should tell him and enforce a boundary. You would not be wrong to do this. We all need to be mindful of the feelings of our partners , if this is making you feel insecure make sure you say it.

This girl at work, well if your instinct is telling you something it might be worth investigating it but all you can really do is ask, and either accept or not accept what he says. Maybe just keep your eyes open for small or big changes in behavior that aren’t typical for him. Are they talking outside of work?

No they don’t really seem to be talking outside work. They have each others numbers and they message in the works group chat, but I don’t think they’ve messaged each other.

He’s not a huge going out type of guy or going out after work so if he starts this I will definitely know something is going on. Sometimes it’s just the two of them at work, so god knows! He just acts weird when I bring up her name.

I’ve recently started watching Love island & He’s sitting here with me & literally just told me ‘this colleague’ of his watches love island.

When my H had a huge crush/thing about someone - the mentionitis was one of the first things I noticed - as well as never leaving his phone lying around

Give him a pass. Apparently it's OK to lick whipped cream off a stripper's penis and MN will give you a pass if you're a woman... I think we can let some casual porn go.

How does watching it tell you what women have been trafficked and which ones haven't?

https://eclj.org/geopolitics/eu/human-trafficking-in-pornography-europe-must-open-its-eyes

Basically I bought up about the porn site I saw on his phone the other night and he said how it was just a pop up. Adamant that he doesn’t watch it! I told him to stop lying (he actually isn’t a very good liar) but he was like think what you think I’m not going to live like a mouse and you keep barking and me! He stormed off and went to bed!

to me that shows he doesn’t want to talk about it incase the truth comes out!

If you ‘confront’ (using your previous phrasing) him about it and tell him to ‘stop lying’, how exactly are you expecting the conversation to go?

Mentionitis - keep an eye on that one!

Providing you don't, tell him you don't have an issue with him watching porn so stop taking you for a fool. Let him also know that it will only become a issue if it starts to affect your sexlife. My partner has said those words to me, she doesn't have any problems if I look/watch porn or if I masturbated so long it doesn't stop me having sex with her. She has her own toys for solo use (mainly when it's that time of the month which also makes her more horny) which I have absolutely no problems with. We are both adults with our own sexual needs and can openly talk about sex with eachother so we are not sneaking off behind each others back.

Advice needed…

So last time I put a post about DH having porn on his phone (internet page was open).

Since then there’s been some changes in him. Never in the 15yrs we’ve been married has he shaved around his penis (sorry for tmi) but he’s done this about a week ago. Today he decided to wank off (again never has he done this in front of me) holding my foot and rubbing my legs!

what’s going on!?! I knew he was doing it and couldn’t even look him in the eye.

Is this normal as I’ve never been in this situation before or is there something more to all this.

Wtf? That's weird. I mean it's one thing to have a wank in the room with you, either mutually or at least with consent.

The shaving sounds like a red flag for an affair of some kind or thinking he's next Dirk Diggler maybe?

Shaving is common for men and he's probably aware of that and also seen it on porn and decided to do it himself, certainly not a red flag. Simply sit down with him and ask him about the shave and his actions.

He’s not the easiest to speak to about stuff like this. From my point I don’t put it lightly and go straight to accusation mode! He then argues back, he will never own up to it I know it!